No goal [Taken from Live Spaces Blog, 22 febrero 2006, 1:30]

I got some improvised psychological therapy today while driving. To be precise, it was yesterday afternoon. It began as a joke, but it turned out to be pretty effective. I was asked about what I did in my life and why I did it, and the answers came out of me, one by one... all essentially the same. It seems that everything I do, I do for someone else. I was shocked by the result.

• I study because my parents expect me to.
• I work because it's part of the study pensum, and because I made a commitment. Money is not what drives me (though I like it).

And that's about all I do. And I think of all the little things I do in between, like the one hour of math tutoring on Saturday, the social service events I attend, my family activities... I don't really LIKE any of them. I mean, I don't alwasy DISlike them... but I don't see them as MY activities, you know. I'm just a willing pawn in them because I CAN.

And that's the bad news. I value others over myself. Somehow I believe that whatever I really WANT to do can be always pushed aside to make way for what others want to do.

And now I think: "What IS it that I want???" And I find no final answer. All I find are little whims:

I want to

• Swim
• Learn to breakdance
• Learn all the cool languages I can
• go Bungee jumping
• go Sky diving
• Develop some really cool application that'll make lots of money for me (no idea what)
• Create inventions, invent creations. Useful and cool stuff.
• And some others stay in my head.

But I never do anything to achieve them. Should I? Should I reset my life; begin somewhere else afresh? Should I look for an ultimate goal of my own? I think it's about time I asked myself this stuff... ignoring it has done me no good.

Please comment if you read this. Just tell me if you've ever felt this way. Yes/no is enough.

What a selfish blog. And how it contrasts with my last blog about my wishes.

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