What does it mean to be sad? Tired? Mournful? Regretful? Guilty? Lost? Afraid? Any combination of the former?
I'm not so sure what it is, but right now I can feel it.
It drains me of my will to do, to act upon anything... it leaves me forceless, weak, a purposeless shell of flesh and bones covering down-hearted feelings driven my internal inertia alone.
It focuses my attention on the empty, on the meaningless, on the nonsensical. Whatever was important before becomes a forgotten blur, and is replaced by this unwanted combination of unwanted feelings. My surroundings are static, gray, filled with pathetic little objects without purpose. Purpose does not fit in anything. In response to any idea, I think "What for?", and leave it to the Universe to decide for itself.
I feel the need to cry, like I haven't done for long. Is all this process necessary in everyone? Is it like the mind's way of taking a day off? I wonder if crying is good. I wonder if I SHOULD cry. Will it help or will it hurt me? I think that my problem here is this: I wouldn't know what would I be crying about. Well, yes I do. I know why I'm sad. But I feel ashamed of it, I don't want people to know why I'm sad. It's a pathetic reason, that's why. I'm not afraid of crying... I've cried a lot during my life. But the reason for it? It's pathetic.
It's the same problem I've had for years. It is a perfectly valid reason for sadness. Sharing stuff about feelings with someone usually enhances them... makes them come out... gives you a true reason to spit everything out... knowing that someone will listen to you. I'd like to have someone to listen to me.
Hmmm, here goes:
G yddp kjak G ja.d ls yogdlh;e Gq.d ydpk kjg; yso tdao;w app kjd ,at ;glid kjd mgh q90;e A yogdlh g;Z a rdo;sl G ja.d ls ;diodk; ,gkj (so apms;k)e A rdo;sl G ial yddp ismysokanpd ,gkjw a rdo;sl ,gkj ,jsm ks ;rdlh jsfo; alh jsfo; ,gkj cf;k yso kjd cst sy gke A rdo;sl G ial kdpp mt rpal; ksw alh ks ,jsm G isfph dlcst pg;kdlglue
G hslqk a;v yso ;smdsld ,jsq; AP
Nfk hs G isl;ghdo alt sy kjdm mt nd;k yogdlh{ G ,g;j G isfphe G jsld;kpt ialqke G vls, ;s malt uodak rdsrpdeee gkq; lsk kjak kjdtqod mg;;glu altkjglueee G ndpgd.d a yogdlh hsd;lqk lddh ks ja.d idokagl akkognfkd; ks nd slde Alh ;kgppw ;smd sy kjd rdsrpd G vls, aodeee cf;keee AMA?GLUe Nfkw sfk sy kjsf;alh; sy rdsrpd Gq.d vls,lw G ialqk yglh a yogdlh{{ G;lqk kjak ,oslu{{{
Kjd slpt psugiap dbrpalakgsl G yglh g; kjak kjd hdydik pgd; ,gkjgl mde Alh gk mavd; a psk sy ;dl;de Rdsrpd hs iapp md ,dgoh app kjd kgmde G AM flf;fape :s js, hs G ygb mt;dpy{ G hslqk vls,e Gq.d kogdh kjglu;w tsf vls,e Gmgkakgslw odndppgsf;ld;;w ld, akkgkfhdw ndglu app ioa/tw ndglu app isl.dlkgslapw ndglu app isfokdsf;w lsk iaoglu ak appw ug.glu mt;dpy gl ks d.dotkjglu G hseee gk hsd;lqk xfgkd hs gke App gk hsd; g; ijalud kjd ,at js, kjd rdsrpd aosflh md aik alh kjglv ansfk mde Nfk md{ Mt odap glldo ;kfyy hsd;lqk ijalude G vddr hg;kof;kglu rdsrpdw kjglvglu kss mfijw ndglu ;smdsld Gqm lske Nfk ,js am G{ Gqm lsk ;fode
G ,alk kof;ke G ,g;j ks kof;k ;smdslde Ks kof;k ;smdsld ;s ismrpdkdpt kjak d.dotkjglu G cf;k ,oskd jdodw G isfph kdpp kjak ;smdsldw yddpglu ak kjak kgmd kjak ;smdsld gl kjd ,soph flhdo;kalh; mde
Gqm dgkjdo ;kfrghw ioa/tw soeee ;kfrghe Matnd ;sigappt gmragodhe So am G pssvglu yso ;smdkjglu kjak hsd;lqk dbg;k{
Am G pssvglu yso ;smdkjglu kjak hsd;lqk dbg;k{
You know, I'm feeling better already :D I guess writing really does helps me out. The world's kinda normal again. I see possibilities in the air again. Independence Day is almost over, but I really don't care much. Two people on MSN helped me out. Thx to them! :D
Well, sadness is diffusing now. Good! :D :D:D:D:D:D
k, night then
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