Inmodesty

facets of myself I feel within me, either mainly or only residually:

• an agile mind, able to understand many complex problems with a minimum of preparedness and effort.
• a fountain of spontaneous ideas, by which people are surprised when I express.
• reluctant to act until the task becomes urgent, interesting, or challenging enough.
• a source of unique ideas, and powerfully concise in their expression.
• individually able to achieve most things in the world by myself.
• uninterested in unoriginal activities.
• a special carrier/conveyor of truth, and of the idea of truth.
• curtailed during childhood and adolescence from coming into full strength of my unique powers.
• particularly brave during introspections.
• a special/unique source of help that others can rely upon, and thereby feel glad to know me.
• a recipient of powerful emotions, tragically repressed and distorted throughout my life.
• a talented computer programmer with high potential, yet neglected skillset.
• uninterested in the mundane.
• interested in the special.
• someone who intuitively feels his way towards the correct way of living, and the path of truth.
• someone who refuses entry to any statement unless I find it is in accordance with the truths I have found.
• self-thinking, undogmatic.
• powerful in the logical and in the creative.
• a skillful and graceful body which can efficiently keep up with the fluid demands of the mind.
• someone who can control and subjugate his emotions, no matter how powerful they rise.
• a mind of such speed, curiosity, and inconstancy that it refuses/is almost unable to remain on a single topic for long.
• one who can help many others in a variety of ways.
• one who permits the surrender of my individual priorities to the conscious collaboration towards an idea I consider worthy.

and more.

I wonder which parts of these conflict with one another. Like the e.g. left and right political parties in a nation struggle and battle with another, unknowing that they are but two hands of the same body... how do my own parts battle amongst themselves, ignorant of their underlying unity?

A common pattern among these attributes is that, when I ask myself "what does special or unique mean?", the meaning that comes to me is: "that means that it is better than in others".

Like a competition.

And hence there's a constant attention and struggle placed upon checking and ensuring that I continue to have more specialness/uniqueness than others. Somehow. Within.