Mother

How to tell her? How can I explain to her that all of her loving, all of her care, her cooking, her chores, all of her help towards me, does so little to trigger love in me? I don't feel it, I haven't felt it for a very long time, and I doubt I ever will again. It must be very hurtful to hear, but if it's true, shouldn't I tell her? Sometime?

That I don't love her, that I resent her. Not hate, that phase is long gone. But resentment remains, itching when I see her trying to get on my good side, pushing, attempting to break the wall that prevents my real feelings from reaching her. But it has rarely ever succeeded, and then only indirectly, passively, through glares and attitudes and letters that only twice she has read.

That I resent her because of her influence in me. Because I notice that in between all of her traits, many are my own, including the ones I hate the most about myself. My lack of conversational wit, my slow sense of humor, my indefinitely flexible attitude towards the needs of others, even at the excessive cost of my own. I dislike these traits in me immensely, and I resent she who embedded them into me, my mother.