Laura wants to get married and have kids. Wow. I'm quite sure I don't want either of those. I don't think there's much of a middle ground there, though... what to do? Be bluntly honest from the beginning, without giving our relationship a try? I doubt it'd change my attitude towards marriage and children, but we'd probably have lots of good times. It kinda seems like taking advantage of her, though... telling her "maybe" when I know that in the future it'll still be "no". Even if I do give it a genuine try, which is what I plan to do anyway. Kinda like trying to like whole black beans. I don't like them, and I haven't succeeded in my genuine attempts at liking them. Why would anything change inside me?
If we're about confessing everything to each other, I have to say that I'm not sure what I'm really looking for in a relationship. At this point in my life, I would say I am in an exploratory phase, not even sure of what do women act like as girlfriends, how does life "together" work, even at a bf/gf level. All of my relationships so far, which are quite few by themselves, have been secret to others and thus, incomplete. I have mental concepts of what would a full relationship be like, but have no actual experience with it so far. So I am very eager to try out an actual relationship - one in which activities, thoughts, and lives are shared in a more integral manner, and not limited by the fear of anyone finding out about us. At the same time, this fact gives me the feeling that I have no real boyfriend experience, and thus, that I won't be able to fill in "boyfriend shoes" in the "appropriate" manner. I know there is no such thing as a single "appropriate" manner on how to be a "good" boyfriend or partner, but I still have this feeling of "inadequateness" that I hope goes away after taking part in an actual relationship. I think that's why I articulate my feelings instead of showing them, but I'm sure I have much more in myself that I can offer once a certain level of intimacy is reached.
This "inadequateness" extends up to a level in which I feel that I might simply serve you as a phase, in which you are still looking for the kind of relationship that you like, and, having been disappointed with your usual, natural attraction to physical, bold guys, you would like to try out the opposite, cordial and friendly albeit shy option, which I can represent. In this sense, I am happy to be there for you when you need me, but I keep the feeling inside me that you will eventually tire of my shyness and lack of self-confidence, and go off seeking someone bolder, someone who you would *feel*, not *think* you are attracted to. I would prefer it if that did not happen, of course, but none of my experience before me indicates otherwise.
This feeling of probably only being of "use" to you while you "adjust" during this supposed phase of yours that I imagine, I think that it comes from the role that I so often took during high school and university with pretty girls - that of a tutor for a certain class or project. In a nutshell, I could not get pretty girls. I couldn't even talk to them, because of shyness, because of social ineptness, because of a great incompatibility of interests. The only excuse I came up with to be near them was to help them out when they didn't understand class concepts or couldn't get through their homeworks. To tutor them. I understood these concepts more often than not, and was glad to help people out through this, so I became kinda famous for helping people out for free. I gave help to anyone that asked me for it, if I had the time, but it was very often the pretty girls that asked for my "services". Maybe because they were lazy, maybe because they were dumb, maybe because I already circled their social group looking for any valid excuse I could get to be near them. So I think that I came to believe that my role near girls, especially pretty ones, is that of a helper. A servant, a tutor, a guide. Not an equal or a partner, and barely a friend - only a good listener sometimes when they wanted to be heard.
I'm not saying that I consider you at all like them, or that using me as "help" is your intention, either consciously or unconsciously. I know that's not the case. But I think I keep the complex, and if we're being fully, truly, ruthlessly honest, this is something else to be said. I believe we would be great partners in many different contexts - I just hope I can truly fulfill that role when the time comes.
The whining having been said, I want to clarify that I really like you, Laura. Like we've said, our meeting could not have been only a casual coincidence, and I believe we should explore our potential together - I'm sure we have a lot of it. Either in a relationship, a close friendship, or something else, I know we can influence each other in a very positive manner.
And at a more ruthless level:
I like you Laura, physically and mentally. If we become boyfriend and girlfriend, I'll be happy to be together with you. We can watch movies, do things outside, and maybe even have sex. I don't want to force you to do anything, but if it happens, then awesome. I know you don't like pre-marital sex, even if you have already had it. Well I like it, probably because I do not like the idea of marriage. Marriage is a contract, stating "I promise to stay with you forever". Do people think that their relationship will so surely withstand anything in the future? I wouldn't trust it to. Yes, it is a declaration that the relationship is something that they will protect because it is valuable, and because they do not want it to end, and also, "if I think like that, that a relationship will probably fail on the way, then how can I expect it not to? Pessimism does not help at all." But still, I don't see marriage as a way of life for me. Just... no, not unless I really feel like spending the rest of my life with another person. And I have never ever felt that way about anyone. I don't idolize or look forward to the concept of marriage. It may happen that I may love someone so deeply and dearly that I will never want to leave her, and will want to live and share my life with her completely. That possibility has not been discarded in my mind. But until that happens, unless that feeling arises, I see no reason to commit to a lifelong contract.
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