care about me

As I recall my past interactions with women I liked,

that I was attracted to,

to touch, to smile with, to kiss, to smell,

those flowers that stuck fast to my desires

I realize,

I wanted to catch them.

To seduce them, to have them fall into me, to envelop them,

and know that they want me, seek me, know me to be what they want

and once I felt that,

it felt like all was good

like I won.

and pleasure washed over me

pleasure of achievement, of approval, of worthiness.

I am worthy because I caught what I sought

because I am now what you seek,

and my worthiness

is verified by your attention

by your care.

A view of self-interest,

a game to satisfy my own appetite

my itch to be seen, sought, admired.

A deceit, now I see

both of you and of me.

For I approach you believing

that I wish to honor and praise your beauty,

when I fact what I want is

your grace and beauty to praise me.

Because I believed that I wanted to make you feel good.

To offer you what you lacked, to complete you, to share all I had and was with you,

when what really drove me was

a desire for my belly to be scratched

for you to see me in my wholeness,

and whether I saw you or not

though I believed I cared

in reality I just cared enough about it to

produce the image that would help make you

care about me.