tough

why wouldn't I share?
why did I feel scared
of sending her wispy words that came by
a spark in my belly, a hug from my arms?
a telling "I miss you"
requesting "let's meet"
why did I shun the instant truth
in favor of being discreet?

I wanted to seem I was tough
that I could be enough
for her
to hold those feelings that
came and went without reason
if unjustified, uncertain,
and I did not want to show her my uncertain
for uncertain is not tough, not defensible, not dependable
I would not show her my subtles
for fear of not knowing their whys
for fear of giving her too manys
for fear of letting her know how
afraid I was she would not want me
because

I was too much
I was too little
I said too much
I said too little
I approached too strong
I seemed too strange
uncertain
I made no sense
or forced sense into it all

these fences all disturb
the flow of what we are
let go