The Defiant

I learned the breathing technique of inhaling deeply through the mouth into the belly, then just letting it fall through the exhale. Its repeated practice brings the body a tingling energy that I feel warm in my belly, open in my chest, and light in my forehead. When I allow sound to pass through, my throat feels open. I don't let much sound through now, as I'm at a café. Around 30 of us sat on yoga mats as live string music played in the air tuned to 432 Hz. The repeated breathing gave powerful life to my impulses, and my body waved back and forth like a supple stem in the wind. Gradually the energy within rose and presided over my movements, while I observed, and allowed.

My sounds grew stronger, louder, rawer. A being within unfurled, and it came out strong, deep, like a forgotten titan given again the gift of light, the gift of breath. He gave further strength to my breath, in joyous desperation to feel alive again. This being I feel within now, it breathes strong. In the workshop it came out dark, though. Anxious, gasping, snarling against the world that had forgotten him for so long. Sobs, cries, tears flowed freely from him, and I called it the defiant. It defied the world to counter it. It defied the world to control it. Unchained through soft intention, it knew it was free to roam, to smash, to defy whatever the world placed in front of him.

I felt my sounds draw outer attention to me, and my defiant saw a chance. To express, to prove itself in full. No gentle gurus or invisible social structure would contain its power. Two hands came onto my chest and my back, a man's on my heart and a woman's on my spine. My tears felt warm on my face, and the flowing sadnesses and resentments transformed. My face slowly rose, my breath turned deeper. Sadness turned to defiance. My rising breath expanded my body from the bottom of my feet, and I felt it rise like an inflating tower. My knee rose as my foot found its ground, and my torso turned, twisted against the hands that dared attempt control me. Like a growing tree I rose to stand my ground, one foot in front of the other, as I faced the man. Eyes closed, I needed no vision to express myself. I faced him directly with all the strength of my breath, my chest pushing his gentleness away.

With my outbreath my defiant snarled at him in full force. Venting out its rage, spitting out its spite. Breath after breath of defiance and snarl, I pushed back and forth against each hand as they tried to remain gentle against my expanded body. Within, my defiant monologued "oh well then, you told us to breathe, so I'm breathing, and this is what comes out, OK??? And now you don't like it? Now you don't want me here? Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, just give me a fucking CHANCE to push against you with full force, and you will SEE WHAT MY POWER IS. YOU DON'T WANT EXPRESSION OF POWER HERE? WELL HERE I AM."

"There, that's it, it's an old spirit. Let it out, let it out", she told me, as one of my snarls gave way to a sob. "There, it's out, it's out", she said, so simply. Haha, my defiant just laughed at her and spit at her "IS IT?? IS IT????"

"DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT IT'S THAT SIMPLE???" And it grew back again, and continued to push and twist their hands out of the way, and it snarled again to prove to them it wasn't gone. Asking them to help. Help Help. HELP THIS CREATURE THAT WILL USE ITS FULL POWER IF IT HAS TO.

"There now. There now, it's out", as a sob came out again, and my tense muscles dropped in another allowing exhale. And I cried and I cried and the tears and drool fell on my face, body, and yoga mat. And as my defiant, nourished with the breath and the flow it had experienced, darkly receded into my innards, telling itself

"Pitiful. I come out to show you my true self, and you and this weak world are not fit to receive it."

Yet it felt relieved, as it had shown itself to someone, if only meagerly. It had been witnessed. And she was an energy worker. A witch.

My sobs, my tears kept flowing out my damp face as my body hung out from the support of my grounded legs. My torso sought the woman's hands to feel warm against. I was held as I dropped my body onto the mat, and they asked me to lie down. I lay on my mat and cried, and sobbed, and breathed. I relaxed into the breath, into the waves, and let them go.

Rising breath again took over my body, this time it rose and it swayed. And it danced, and its hands traced the air, and it relished the sensations of stretch and relax that its movements brought. A body fed with energy, delighted to experience itself.

I held clarity as I addressed Annie, the energy worker, and asked her to hold a session with me. She could not that afternoon, and we scheduled two hours for the following morning.