Self-Evaluation

Evaluation

Why did I do the things I did?

in life.

As a teenager, how did I decide to study japanese abacus, then special saturday Mathematics classes at the university? Why?

Travel. My dad. My dad's pushes on mathematics were the catapults that bolstered my changes in the world every few years.

That is how I grew to be the best kid in school, happy to help, but often rejected and disliked by other kids who were not as proficient in the topic. Proud but unable to show it, I molded a strong mask of benignity.

But I decided nothing at those times. I just went to school, did homework, avoided bullies, got good grades, tied my self-esteem to those same grades. And then Las Américas happened, and Prof. Danilo singled Manfredo and I for the Math olympiads. Which triggered the principal taking us to abacus classes, us meeting Kira, and us attending a weekly class to refine our mental agility and calculation. I was excited with it at first, especially as I made quick progress, but later I still kept going. Even when my schoolmates made fun of me. Even when I wasn't as excited anymore, after level 6, I seem to recall. The exercises had simply become longer and longer, the fun sail-through of the problems became actual challenges, and I didn't want to go anymore. Why did I keep going?

My mom, I think. She always seemed to push/coerce us into attending. With my scant social circle, it might have taken the role of my after-school play environment. But I decided to accept her decision, and so I went to abacus classes til late into my high school years.

But Math classes. I won a first place at the National Math Olympiad... then suddenly I got this letter to receive math classes at a University. What????? My ego was bloated, I was curious, and I remember my mom still pushed me to go. I was uneasy about it - I knew about the strong correlation between my nerdy, impopular social image and Mathematics, and I remember I would not have gone myself. But my parents half-coerced me also, and I was curious anyway.

But why did I keep going? I passed a test, I did well on later classes... but it was taking my Saturdays away! And not just mornings... my afternoons were also spent there. But... they had mentioned a treat, to me outworldly and amazing - the selected Guatemalan team would travel to Romania to participate in the International Mathematics Olympiad in July. And that was it. I wanted that.

THAT is why I kept going, and did not eventually simply refuse to go any further. The travel. Not the math. The math was good - other fun exercises, more games to entertain the mind with, puzzles. But it was most certainly not my aim. In those days, I aimed for girls, social acceptance, and wild dreams like traveling far. The first two I'd called tough luck on already, but suddenly a wild dream was possible! And... well why not??? So I gave it my all.

And so forth for the following years. Korea, Washington DC, Uruguay, El Salvador? Amazing. They all happened. And that was it, really. Math itself was the optional factor. Great, fun, and door-opening, but not my primary appeal.

Then I studied Computer Science... almost on a whim. Being pragmatic, I'd guess. And then I simply finished that major.

Then the green card. That was chance.

And then several failed scholarship applications. And then.... Austin. Why did I go to Austin instead of teaching English at Singapore? Timing..... the desire of dipping my toes in comfort, and just trying it out. Acknowledging life's precise timing, I guess.

Then I left.. Carnegie Mellon. Why? A push from Luis von Ahn. And a big "well, why not?" thought in my head. Basically, a free distinguished graduate degree, plus knowledge, in exchange of my time. Years, but just time. Why not? So I went for it.

Then I went out. Why? Found no passion. Then accident. That was chance. Then back to school. Why? No attractiver plans, especially in my still-healing conditions.

Then I left at the Masters. Why? Because it was enough for me... I found no passion and I wanted to live.

Then one year traveling. Why? Just because I wanted to. Why not?

Then....... ahhhhh Google. Another resigned acknowledgement to Life's precise timing, and letting go of my passionate yet tenuous grasp on a zinging life. And to its representation of my inner desires. I succumbed again.

And again I lack passion. And perhaps now.. just finally... I realize that stretching out farther and farther for material success, job, position, stability........ is only auxiliary to the passion of a person. And if this passion is missing............. then decisive change might be coming.

Plans

yes as much as I don't like to ad mit it,
I make palns
I plan, I think of alternatives, I branch out into possibilities, unthought-of scenarios, seek out the best one, keep searching, optimize, re-optimize, think about them more, I make plans. I do, even if I don't like to admit it. (Yes, Maria, I'm thinking of you when I say this).

Because making plans is not "spontaneous", it's "lame" sometimes. But when you have goals, and your mind is set on achieving those goals, plans help, you see. They blueprint your way to what you want. It's a puzzle, a game to solve, and a successful plan is very satisfactory when it happens.

So I make plans because at some point in my life, I had goals. I had objectives, dreams, desires to do so much, to go places, to do things, to meet people. And some I accomplished, some I didn't. Some with plans, some without. But the plans certainly helped. They helped me jump from branch to branch, swing myself to the next step. Always the next step. Forward, forward. Driven by desire, guided by my plans. And the thrill of it burned inside me always.

And then... just before launching myself off to the next branch, this shiny little treehouse appeared on a closer branch. Just like I once imagined I could have. And I though, "eh, I could use some rest, I guess". So I signed into the treehouse, took my time, and I've been reveling in its comfort for over two thirds of a year now. Exactly two thirds, if I estimate correctly. And how do I feel?

Incomplete.

What to do when desires fade, when people leave, when your connections spread too far and too thin to keep close touch with? When distance dilutes trust and companionship, and you're left staring at the ceiling every night, silently desperate for purpose and companionship in this life that seems to have gone slow and cold?

I sought help. I received a promise, and for 5 or 6 months I've held on to that promise. And that just made me stagnate, waiting for a moment that never came during this year. 10 days are left for it to happen, and I'll guess that it simply won't. But finally, I do hope, I will be free to have new goals and plans again, even if that means signing out of this shiny new treehouse, and jumping off to other unknown branches. Life is for the living, you know...

Dentist thoughts

ok. soooo....

dentist is
applying
a needle
ouch
OUCH
"are you ummmummmm....
uuuhuuuu...

ohhh..... stingy sensation
right on my left cheek.
ouch.
she's being very gentle
so gentle
still, the sting doesn't go away.
I taste the anesthetic gel on my inside cheek.
She massages the cheek as the needle is inside.
Very gentlly.
Thank you for being gentle.
Second neele....
OUCH.
SHE SAYS THAT I CAN BRING MUSIC THE NEXT TIME,
THAT I CAN BRING MY OWN HEADPHONES
AND LISTEN TO MUSIC
I SAID I DON'T MIND.
I RAELLY DONT
I PREFER TO BE THE WRITER, THE EMITTER, THAN THE RECEIVER.
I MEAN, MUSIC IS GREAT AN D ALL...
SOME FABRIZIO PATERLINI, PERHAPS


BUT HAVE IT ASSOCIATE
THOSE FEELINGS
OF PLEASANT MUSIC
WITH STINGING SENSTION OF THE ANESTHSIA, AND MY TEETH BEING DRILLED...
NAH...
I WOULDN'T LIKE THAT.
MUSIC WOULDN'T smooth todwn th eprocess...

the sensations would contaminate the experience of the music... the dentist experience would make the msuic memories...
a bit more painful
a bit more futile, useless...


oh well
ahhh
all injections are in
no going back now.
or at least little point to it.
unless....
for some reason, I did not trust the procedure
but I do.
well, cavities
are not a good thing to have
right?

huh.
so now I'm at the dentist
my left cheek is numb
the dentist is gone for now.
waiting for the numbness to expand into my mouth.
To be ocmplete.
feels pretty complete.
it feels funny when I swallow my saliva.
Like... ticklish.
But this is the first time I've done this.
Typing at the dentist.
Typing at the dentist.
Well, what to write about?
I dunno.
PRobably the sensations that are to come.

wow.
And I'm listenting to...
Osyris Goa Madness!! 20212, I think?
Ahh, alone iwth my thoughts.
Similar to whne I went to Jai's and Shanti's... and I was in the floating chamber for the night.
I wouldn've wanted to write my experiences then.
But I was, well, floating in a solution of calcium something something that looked white, and water.
Having a computer there woudl've provided more problems thn I might've had time to solve at theat particular instance of time.
But the dentist...
that's a new one.
The dentist seems impressed that


The dentist seems impressed that I can type without looking.Well... when you type all day...
I gues you get used to it.
Oh well...
dentist is coming at me.with a tin , very fine drill...
she's drilling into my left lower tooth.
ouch.
ouch.
I'm suppsoed to be anesthesized.
But OUCH.
OUCH
it still hurts.

OW.
And MORE drill.
freaking tiny drill...
metals... they've made our lives so much different, huuh.
We're now capable of cutting, drilling, bashing into anythig.
Almost anything.
The smiths of the world, the humns.

And now of my teeth.
Such ahrd material.
but still we... well they... can drill right through it.
With a little practice and a few years of education.
OUCH.
OUCH.
I wonder if she anesthesized me correctly.
It still hurts.
This really does remind me of the Nacirema.
Rituals that we follow because we believe that
if we don't go to the dentist, our teeth will rot and fall off.

Ah, more drill..
nothing much more to say here.
stinging pain of moderate intensity... not enoguh to cry out loud, or to cry in agony...
but enough to feel it, for sure.

So she's placing the filling in.
Composite, they say.
Is it that grey thing that I see on many of the bottom of my teeth?
bottoms, I might say.
well, it' hard to type without looking.

Could I just pass this text through google spell check and be done with it?
Probably, but with little sense. How much for a Google semantic check?
Not about money, of course.
But perhaps quantifiableby other means. Time. Reosurces.
Man hours. Lines of code. Gigabytes of data needed for training?
My brain is so functional, and it receives os many painful signals
and I say "it's ok, it's ok, baby"... like a child who doesn't want to... eat his broccoli, go to school, brush his teeth.... am I the "forethoughtful" entity, nwo? Like a stereotypical overprotetcive parent? For my brain?

Seems degrading.

Anyway...
She's doing something with fillings and stuff. And her assistant is to my left, doing other stuff.
Holding tools, mostly.
Ready for the dentist to pick them up.

They're gentle.....




And Osyris keeps sounding in my ears.

Eu is on my mid.
Eu.
Hurts her for me to not love her with all my might.
But right now, We're talking about the hobbit.

She's excited about it too... looking forward to go see it.

But Eu...
ripping a connection so... objectively?
Aren't I the objective guy.
And Eu was passionate. PAASSIOANTE.
She lived her words... she photographed the beauty she wsaw... tried to capture it. Embraced every moment. Still does. And I don't feel guilty that I partook in her hurt. We both grow. Ah... but the nostalgia.
Nostalgia/bittersweet emotions of unmet love. Unmet by whom? She loved me... no denying that. Did I love her? No. I liked her. I admired her. I saw in her many of the attriutes I've seen in me, that I want someone else to have and to like me. Then why not? Why not? Well.....
She live sin Guatemala. I live inCalifornia.Distane. Siple geographical location. Is that it? Why is that enough of a separator?

Seconds can make the whole difference.
I met her in 209.
I was not who I am.
She was not who she is.
Yet we connected. And we connected again.
Why did she decided to connect with me? Why???
5 years, and she contacts me. And cno conection. No reminder. Yes, I found a connection. I didn't know it had hit her hard too.

Ah, women.
Women.
Women.
This year, a few.
Very few "mutual".
But feeligns arose.
And I am greateful for that.
Amanda.
Maria
Mo :)
Cathy
Alice
Eugenia
And then secondary ones... maybe? That I thought of but never really amounted to anyting at all...
Lourdes, Lulu, Hou Lulu, the Montse?
Leibs has been kind... even if from afar.
Oh wow, Inés (virtually, of course)
Lajja
And Jingyi, I've considered... and then unconsidered.
Good times?
Good times.


Ahh... the toothpaste
i'ts comforting when I know that something is not
drilling into my body. Where it's not designed to be drilled into.
so now.. deep cleaning.
cleaning the upper teeth.
ahh, but the anestehsia is tin the lower teth.
won't hat still hurt, then?
I don't know.
OUCH. Yes, it hurts.
I guess indeed.
this part is not anesthesized.
Deep cleaning.
How deep?
50, deep?
Nah, don't think so.
50dmm, perhaps.
Osyris is tstill sounding good.

Ah, but girls.
Girls.
One of the more interesting parts of this year
was
Diana
the psychic
telling me that
I would meet THE SOULMATE
sometime this year
THIS YEAR?
well, not much time is left.
If it doesn't ahppen tomorrow at the paty
I've no idea where it will be.
Here's to hoping.
To ahppiness
adventures
long life
Learning
Glory
Creativitiy
Wealth
Health
and Love
CHEERS
Ahh, they were serving champagne at the office.
I wonder if I can drink anything now tthat I go back.
It might be not recomended.
I"not recommended".
it si different to not recomend something,
than to recomend not to do something.
negations, negations.
where to place the negation
in the syntatcit tree?
Which positionings of negations are equivalent between each other?
Just need to calculate how many places are there to place negations in...
and if that number is K
C_K^2. k*(k+1)/2.
Geometric construction, it seems.
OUCH.
OUCH.
Deep cleaning is urting a bit.
Why do I need such deep cleaning?
Why do I need such deep cleaning?
taratr control.?
Oh yes
ETHEL
I forgot about her.
How's she doing?
I liked her a lot.
Great girl.
But she's so far away.
I wonder if she'll get a job around here... that'd b epromsiing.

the cofee girl at Caffe Romanza.
Sex: one.
Kissses: one.

favorite?
If I could pick one...
huh, good question.
for what?
A "girl" for what?
Advnetures and exciting life: Maria.
Spirititual search: Alice.
Sharing of experiences and travel: Mo.
Steady life and happy sharing of academic reaping, job, and occasional advnetures: Ethel.

ahh, still deep cleaning.

it must've beene at least 30 minutes by now.
40 maybe.
And my appointment window was one hour long.
Can't be long now.
Shouldn't be long.
Please.
It's not hurting that much.
But just being here.
At the mercy of
a few steel drills
and two men having casual conversation
I know thye're capable
but it still feels... just...
ugh... powerless..
Belize.
Imagine being in Belize.
Surrounded by the sun, the palm trees, the sand, the oceanwater, and marine life everywhere.
Salty water, beautiful girls everywhere.
Minas, les dice Pablo.

I have old composite, she says.
And now she drills.
Again?
Please don't take anything essential out of there.
Or imprortant.
Anything that holds my teth in the right place.
OUCH. again.
drill drilling
dentists talking.
Fragile teeth.
Edible, apparently.
By bacteria that want to eat up the nerve.


And If Life by you passes,
and it slips out your hand,
you'll probably want a do-over,
but of those, I've ain't seen.
Not yet.

P.S: And I forgot about Loredana. I even saw Echo, but nothing going on there. And about to see Scarlet soon. And I also met Juliet at the Google SPCE Holiday Party! She's nice and pretty :)

Geistliche Vergangenheit

If i could just change the people porque cuando las personas mencionan su pasado, la complejidad emocional... Geistlich, kommt zwanzig mehr dang dang you are working indeed doch doch du wirkst gut. Warum machen Leute mehr und mehr Leben? Doch... Was mehr könnten sie machen? Geboren sein und töten... Die müssen sein. Der Rest... Müssen wie entscheiden. Viel zu machen. Zuviel? Zu ist subjektiv. Zu subjektiv. Wörter... Ihr, subtile Meinungsgeiste.

Complaint

I've been very lonely these days..

I wish someone would ask me how I am. And really meant it, and was willing to listen to everything I had to say, and would listen with sympathy, and were here, lived right close, and showed concern about my present situation. Which externally seems just fine and dandy, but in which internally, I'm........ sad.

But since no one asks me, well then...
I guess I can't be too picky...
I'll use the friend that has not yet failed me:
the recordable medium.
Sometimes paper, most often digital ASCII on a diversity of mediums. So many mediums. Magnetic, solid-state, optical, electric signal, electromagnetic signal, displayed on a screen, ink on paper, graphite on paper, burnt thermal paper, vocalizations, or simply thoughts. But now, solid-state drive, aided by on-screen projection for my benefit.

So thank you, recordable medium. And I guess eventually the listener is myself, and I feel sympathy for myself, so I scrape some skin off some other part of my psyche to patch the one that's currently hurting. Self-pity, or self-loathing due to self-pity, will come to bite eventually. But for now, maybe I'll find motivation after throwing all my demotivators out into the wind. In a manner of speaking.

I'm alone. I have no one to hang out with. My workmates have their own lives. And would not make the right kind of friends anyway... mixing them up might be problematic later on. Jingyi seems like a good person to hang out with, but we have little in common. Hendrik's married, Deepa's married, Erin lives in SF, JP is married (and gone), Yves is married, Panna is married, and everyone else seems a bit distant. I imagine I also seem like that myself in the office. But work relationships don't seem like the right kind to evolve into a hanging-out relationship. Unless it is - but I have no precedent.

Cathy was a great companion. But she's gone now. And even in the later days, she had found Dakotah and was no longer hanging out much with me. Alice came in for two nights and a day, and we had great fun..... but it simply piqued my appetite for companionship and connection, and now I find myself thirsting for it. Especially because she didn't answer me on any medium, after I put work into making her site, Love's Lexicon, one more like the site she envisioned. And her site, thatweare, I tried to migrate into a site she might find more customizable. And I wrote her a letter, seeking out her help about my own internal issues... because she put out a form for people to write into. And I did. And no response. None at all. No "your issues are dumb". No "let me help you". No "well that sucks". No sympathy, no disdain, no response. That disappointed me.

As with Montse. She came to the area, a bit distraught and needing some help with her furniture. I helped her. We went to IKEA, spent some time together, had a nice time. Had a nice weekend together, as I remember. Loaned her money. Got paid back. I invited her to a dance class at Google. I thought we'd talk some more. Then again, weeks passed... and nothing. No response. "Hey, wanna have dinner?" Nothing. "Wanna hang out on the weekend?" Nothing. "Wanna meet?" Nothing. I thought it pretty inconsiderate of me. Especially because I distinctly remember having told her that I wanted to talk to her at some time. I wanted to tell her some deep issues about myself. I wanted to share some stuff. Because I trusted her, I trusted her to deem my feelings important enough to be listened to. As I listened about her dog and her ex-boyfriend and her family in Mexico. But nope, no answer. Not even "hey, I'm busy". "Hey, I can't talk to you now". "Let's not talk anymore, I have other friends now". Nope. Nothing. I'm pretty nonplussed about her these days.

And I guess that's it. I've been spending my evenings and weekends alone, and found some solace playing Ingress and watching movies. Roads to further solitude, the way I see it, and that's not what I'm looking for. "Talents are nurtured in solitude", I know the quote. But what I want these days, what I yearn, is company. Experience sharing, trust, proximity to share, eagerness to hang out with each other. And if that person is of the female attractive (I mean pleasant to see and spend time with, not gravitationally powerful) kind, so much the better.

Loredana

And another infatuation. Loredana, from Moldovia.
But she was so, so, so easy-going, friendly, and she wanted to hug! Me! Great feeling of acceptance :)
Then she left. I did too.
What might happen?
Everything.
Anything.
May we connect further.
May we click.
and want to be with each other.
I wish
because I'm tired of not wishing.

Entitled

Go.
So what I am doing now?

I'm sitting at a cafe,
eating
food
fruit salad
half a sandwich
peach french soda

but
what am I doing?
to what intent?

Seeking out...
what?
I mean,
I have this whole day to myself
well,
brunch at 11 with Amir and Laleh
but afterwards,
so much time
and so little intention
what...
what...
what...
and at times I have all these things
that I want to do..
but now....
that I have all this time...
I do none of it????????
What is up with me?
so many things I want to do
practice
or at least be
or have done
read
lobsang rampa, the third eye
F.O.A.
Rumi
The Book of Hours.
practice
the violin
dancing
physical exercise
singing
go out
biking
hiking
to the beach
to Santa Cruz beach, with the concerts
to San Francisco

but what I actually do is
lay in my bed, turn my laptop on,
and watch Netflix
or facebook
or other videos I'd rather not mention here.
in a grotesque show
of willful sloth.
Why???

I know why.
Or at least I know the what the first barrier is.
My own
stubbornness
entitlement
to what Diana the psychic foresaw.
I'll meet my soulmate?
Ok.
When?
"soon"
So vague.
But it'll happen "soon".
So..
it'll happen soon.
And I feel anxious.
And wait
And await
And await
and await
and don't want to do anything else
BECAUSE
I'm waiting
I want THAT
I want company
a girl
a partner
to do stuff with
to talk about stuff with
to share anything and everything with.
And nothing else
is
a
satisfactory
replacement
or even distraction
for that moment.
And the effort I'd expend,
pleasurable and productive as it might've been (without Diana's prediction)
is barely even a pale shadow
in comparison

but so now
I wait
and wait
let time flow right in front of me
without even wanting to dip my toes in.
Because I'm waiting for something to show up
in that river.
Be faster, flow.
FASTER
Bring her
NOW!!

Maria Trip

Aaaaaand... it's September.
The seventh month. Yeah, right. (In a sarcastic tone if you so feel it).

Monday. Labor Day. Holiday. Indoors, alone, and I find no current focus. So... I thought to write.

No inner force pushing me to. No quiet anxiety urged to trap the freshness of the moment. It's simply been a long time since my last narration, and I do so enjoy reading them afterwards.

Recapping. Graduated from my Masters in CMU, lived in a farm for a month, bought a car, went to Montana Rainbow Gathering, stayed 3 weeks in an intentional community in Oregon, drove to the World Rainbow Gathering in Canada, drove to PA for my cousin's wedding, drove to CO for my brother's wedding, worked in Austin for a month, got contacted by Google, flew to Guatemala, met Aparna at San Marcos La Laguna, flew to Pittsburgh to find closure with Laura, NE roadtrip with Carlos & gang, interview at Google, flew to Singapore with Amanda, backpacked through Malaysia and Thailand, flew to Guatemala in a hurry, stayed for a month, got job offer from Google, moved to Mountain View, flew to China for 2 weeks to meet Echo and Scarlet, and flew back to Mountain View. Caught up!

Now it just so happened that back in November I had told Sharon, my landlady from Austin that I'd be flying to Southeast Asia sometime soonish. Then in December she sends me an email saying "hey, I know this nurse that works with me, she's also going to Southeast Asia soon, I think you'd super-get along, and she's hot. Talk to her! Maybe you can sync your trips!", along with her facebook link. Our trip dates didn't sync up, but when we actually got to talking, she was AWESOME. I LOVED finding her on facebook and sharing what we liked to do and listen and aim for in Life. We clicked awesomely, and I could tell that she liked me from afar.

So after coming back from China, still 10 days away from my job start date, she flies over to meet me! So that was awesome. My apartment had 2 (perhaps one too many) bedrooms, so there was enough space for everyone. She brought her violin, also! So we were able to practice and play a little before taking a roadtrip out through the woods of Northern California.

........
no, I don't want to relive it. Not yet, at last. It was great and happy, but it still pinches my heart when I go too deep into it. For the sake of the story, though: we went to Stanford one day and lay on the grass, then I went to have lunch with my future team at Google on Monday noon, and after that we packed up on stuff from Trader Joe's, and went out camping!

We stopped in San Francisco on the way. Parked near Haight & Ashbury, found a friendly salesman, spent $40, drove up further north to Muir Woods, and spent the night camped up in a hill. Actually, we walked downhill and up the street looking at the full lunar eclipse that just happened to be that very night. It was, at the time, a magical happyning. 

Words

Sometimes I write to communicate,
sometimes I write to record.
Sometimes I write to praise,
Sometimes to stories hoard.

Sometimes I write for others,
Sometimes I write for me.
Sometimes I write for those
I think I could help be.

Sometimes I write to show off,
sometimes I write me to sleep.
Sometimes I write to shout,
sometimes I write to weep.

Sometimes my mind just wanders
and wants to trace its path.
Sometimes my heart just flounders
and finds words helpful grasp.

Sometimes I whisper secrets
sometimes I burst in joy.
Sometimes I seek to uncover mysteries,
and sometimes words are my toy.

Sometimes I write in colors
sometimes in white and black.
And sometimes in words I conceal
my pain, fear, spite, or wrath.

Sometimes my words debug me,
sometimes they paint me inside.
Sometimes they come and hug me,
long after I've let them fly.

Sometimes words paint a moment
sometimes they make you feel.
Sometimes they sound like music,
sometimes they help me heal.

Sometimes they come in torrent,
sometimes like playful stream.
and sometimes I dig a desert
to seek a drop lost in between.

Sometimes I offer gratitude,
sometimes I profess love.
and at times I just imagine
what it all looks like from above.

Anyway, words, I'm grateful,
You've helped me find this Now.
Thanks.

Butterfly

I feel my heart is a butterfly,
fluttering whichway
over a wide landscape,
seeking a colorful
flower to repose on,
to love.

Upon sight, it hovers,
looks for a spot to land.
Quiet, meek, cautious,
it lands on a petal, S-O careful not to
stir her still.

SO careful. SO afraid.
Because you know
dear butterfly
that when flower feels touched
when she feels your thin legs
slide the slightest caress on her petal,
she turns away and closes
or shakes you off in frenzy
hurls you into the wind
or down onto the ground,
and proves to you
again
that you were right.

And dear butterfly, I feel your weariness.
your light wings look worn,
your flutter feels tired,
your flight now seems frail.

As higher you fly,
more tired you feel,
and harder you fall.

I remember when you flew
so high and so graceful
you played with the winds
and aimed for the stars.

You used to sparkle with
such love and life
now you wonder how much of it still
shines through your scars.

And though the firm soil can always
accommodate your rest,
by staying there, you know,
you'll see those colors no more
fly no more
forget the wind
forget your flutter
forget the stars
forget your wings
forget the colors
forget the flowers
forget your love
except as bitter remnants
of a faded dream.

Please keep flying.

Veggie Panini

I need no WiFi to say
what seeps from me this moonlit night
I came here drowned in loneliness,
unsure of what to seek.
Company? Half-second eye contact
with passing strangers on the street?
Some casual words with
a merchant, here and there?

I came from caged solitude,
seeking solitude among the crowd.
Instead, I found
a lovely server
who makes paninis with love,
and cuts avocados in small pieces
and lays them artfully on warm, toasty bread.

"Peach french soda", I said.
"Oh yes, I remember you", she muttered in the other direction, feigning indirection, perhaps?
"Thanks for the recommendation", I said as she served me my fruit salad.
"So how have you been?", when I came up to the counter to order once more.
"A vegetarian panini."
"Are you vegetarian?"
"Why yes!"
"I am too! I've struggled with it for quite a while, I've been going back and forth, until I got sick of it, you know."
"So how long now?"
"A few months now. And now, I find it repulsive to, you know, eat flesh".

Minutes later, while grabbing a straw,
"You make a really good panini, by the way"
"Thank you! I do it with love :)"
"hehe", I said, before my later shadowboxing: "I should have said 'I can tell :)'"

And when I came up to order a muffin, I felt and said apologetically,
"I've been feeling a little weird today"
"Oh yeah, I've had those days too" "May I ask what its' about?"
"Well, just personal stuff, you know", looking around vaguely, not sure how to summarize it in a short amount of time.

And then my mind was hitting itself, thinking of a dozen other things to have said. Why don't we get second chances to say it? Third chances? Magical hourglasses like Hermione had? Would love that.

Just before leaving,
"What's a Mexican Mocha?"
"Just like a Mocha, but with cinnamon syrup in it. It's not too spicy."
"I'll have one."
"Do you want whipped cream?"
"Yes, please".
"You're like, YES OF COURSE! :)"
"Of course :)", I replied in a tardy echo.

I drank it quickly, and then was putting everything together.
"Wow", she said, coming out. "The other guy asked me 'is he leaving? But he just ordered!'"
"Well, I'm a very good drinker :) It was delicious too, thank you!"
"Well, I hope to see you again around here :)"
"Me too! Are you here often?"
"Pretty much, about five days a week now. Mostly the evening shift, because, I don't do the breakfast shift"
"Oh awesome, then I'll see you around some other time! Bye!"

Soothing words from The Prophet and F.O.A. were like balm to my stinging heart.
You are like the ocean, and like the ocean, you cannot hasten your tides.
In your winter you deny your spring,
but the spring is not offended, and just reposes quietly in you, smiling, ready to be reborn.

Then after one toilet break,
an aimless wander brought me to
a wonderful corner of the bookstore:
the children's section! Where I found "A Story of buildings", wonderfully illustrated, and fathomed it a gift for my brother's children.

Hours, other fantastical books, and three online conversations later (which I had yearned for, but never received all day, while in my apartment), I emerged from that room, bought that book, and came out of the bookstore, hoping still to catch a glimpse of the amber-eyed lovely café server. I didn't, since she was upstairs, and I found myself shy to go upstairs and buy something else to eat (as my stomach's now satiated). But I hope to see her tomorrow. Hope, the soother of all troubles, released from Pandora's box ages ago, as I read today in "Greek Myths".

My heart still yearns company and close conversation.
But it feels a clearer glimpse of hope now. Or at least a bright silver bath of moonlight, the lively salsa beat of a nightclub next block, and the mixed sounds of people roaming, seeking mirth in downtown nightlife. Company too, perhaps. If only there were a kindergarten teacher that paired us up to talk and play, just as there was years ago. Abundant free will and choices seem to lead to abundant nonchalance. And the solitary find little communal energy to trigger bonds with others.

Let's see what else there is here tonight.

Failed rant

Aaaaaand... it's September.
The seventh month. Yeah, right. (In a sarcastic tone if you so feel it).

Monday. Labor Day. Holiday. Indoors, alone, and I find no current focus. So... I thought to write.

No inner force pushing me to. No quiet anxiety urged to trap the freshness of the moment. It's simply been a long time since my last narration, and I do so enjoy reading them afterwards.

Recapping. Graduated from my Masters in CMU, lived in a farm for a month, bought a car, went to Montana Rainbow Gathering, stayed 3 weeks in an intentional community in Oregon, drove to the World Rainbow Gathering in Canada, drove to PA for my cousin's wedding, drove to CO for my brother's wedding, worked in Austin for a month, got contacted by Google, flew to Guatemala, met Aparna at San Marcos La Laguna, flew to Pittsburgh to find closure with Laura, NE roadtrip with Carlos & gang, interview at Google, flew to Singapore with Amanda, backpacked through Malaysia and Thailand, flew to Guatemala in a hurry, stayed for a month, got job offer from Google, moved to Mountain View, flew to China for 2 weeks to meet Echo and Scarlet, and flew back to Mountain View. Caught up!

Now it just so happened that back in November I had told Sharon, my landlady from Austin that I'd be flying to Southeast Asia sometime soonish. Then in December she sends me an email saying "hey, I know this nurse that works with me, she's also going to Southeast Asia soon, I think you'd super-get along, and she's hot. Talk to her! Maybe you can sync your trips!", along with her facebook link. Our trip dates didn't sync up, but when we actually got to talking, she was AWESOME. I LOVED finding her on facebook and sharing what we liked to do and listen and aim for in Life. We clicked awesomely, and I could tell that she liked me from afar.

So after coming back from China, still 10 days away from my job start date, she flies over to meet me! So that was awesome. My apartment had 2 (perhaps one too many) bedrooms, so there was enough space for everyone. She brought her violin, also! So we were able to practice and play a little before taking a roadtrip out through the woods of Northern California.

........
no, I don't want to relive it. Not yet, at last. It was great and happy, but it still pinches my heart when I go too deep into it. For the sake of the story, though: we went to Stanford one day and lay on the grass, then I went to have lunch with my future team at Google on Monday noon, and after that we packed up on stuff from Trader Joe's, and went out camping!

We stopped in San Francisco on the way. Parked near Haight & Ashbury, found a friendly salesman, spent $40, drove up further north to Muir Woods, and spent the night camped up in a hill. Actually, we walked downhill and up the street looking at the full lunar eclipse that just happened to be that very night. It was, at the time, a magical happyning.

Sad Monologue

I feel sad. Why? I feel sadness because hse is not here I mourn her absence. And because I am alone, and I have not a task to distract my mind with, so I dwell on recreating, recreation (why not creation?), and I desire no alone recreation (or creation?) I see myself with a partner, a friend to shareactivities and moments and thoughts and feelings and love and acceptance, and joys, and occurrences, and idea, p.aces, experiences, skills, lives. And I feel sadness because I notice I don't have it, and this attaches to the numerous timesI have felt sad based on this, and it stays. And I glance at the sadness within me once more, and one glance is all it takes, and I find my will overwhelmed by it.

Yes I could ignore it. what, feel that everything is love, yes? Just remember that... just have the hart rememer love, and you keep remembering the heart? Grantitude... instant gratification? But ten what do I do with this sadness? Let it go? I want to feel it! otheriws ei ignore it, ai bury it deep inside, and i know that it satays there because iIT AHS done that in the past. and it is STILL THERE~~~~~ and i  can't even try throwing it somewhere, because it needs a receiver. and i attempt... i throw it into the obedient keys at my fingertips, but my throat still hurts by being knotted down, too much by habit, by, because it's forgotten how to say what it really wants to tsay. what ai am saying here but out loud, out in flaming, raging shouts and mimes and tears and pleads, shaking someone else as i do. i've forgotten? or... no, i haven't orgotten. i just need a RECEIPIENT!! a willing receipinet that's willing to take in my presently leashed fears, monsters, vanitieis, rages, frustrations (no, not unstrations yet)... to take it in, without fear, without thinking i want anything else by it. just to accept it, to know that it is necessary, twith an intention to help, to listen. but willling. no one willing to hear me with such strong intent. i have that intent with opeopel. i listen to them, i want to know. i want to know because they want me to know. and i seek someone like that. someone to see these tears and know why they are flowing. to relate, and not just to say "you're just going through a stage". IT'S NOT A STAGE!! or if it is, it's been a freaking 15-year old stage. NOT A STGE. deep sadness inside. diana is right. (diana, my present psychic. and only one so far). there is a deep sadness in me that shows up at times. these tiny, weakling outbursts are what seeps out whn my internal, distended buffer of sadness is overflowing. it's my chore of takin gout the trash. but i need help to take the rest of it out.

ALICE, HELP ME. THIS SADNESS RESIDES SOMEWHERE IN THIS MODY, AND...
WHAT IF I LOVE IT? LOVE MY SADNESS. HELLO, SADNESS. I LOVE YOU BCASUE YOU'RE PART OF ME, AND OIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIJDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD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AND BECAUSE I LOVE YOU MOST WILLINGLY when.

Again. Hours later, it's not as strong, though.
Sadness, I love you. You have a spot of residence inside my being, and we've been together for a while.
But I'd like you to leave, my being, love. You've set up tent and house and castle, and have already grown to an entire family of emotions inside. Bit you allow me no fulfillment. Whenever I find a strong connection with someone, and I excitedly search inside of me to share what I truly am w, as I desire to do in an connection... you're still there, my unseemly neighbor. And you're so overwhelming... you take over! My will is crippled, my excitement is dulled, and my self-esteem rips into shreds. And I find myslef again an unloved, avoided weird kid in hgih school again, but not even with someone around to deal with ti directly.
Because you come in the night of my solitude, love. You're not a lightning bolt that strikes the minute you're seen, an anxious cobra. No, you're a wave, will take time to form but it does. A tsunami, by the way it feels. Overwhelming - you crash over my shiny prospects and solid human connections, and CRASH, you dampen them all, toppling down a few in the process. And I'm now left grieving my destroyed city, knowing that I'l rebuild, but dreading what will happen when I build tall enough again.
Sadness, I love you as you are a part of me. But I want you to leave my being. I wish to dissolve you, transmute you and your fear into wisdom, love, and light. But I feel I need help. Please, please help me.

Sciamachy

I see in me now, meek fears that don't show up their head until they're no longer relevant. "Is it over?", they ask, and come up from the shadows they were hiding in, and float in the shaky uneasiness of my afterthoughts. "What if she thinks I don't know enough, am too naive to understand, am at too low a level, am not ready for it?" (Whatever IT is I might be hoping to... achieve, know, understand, perceive, be?) So I attempt to say, to be eloquent and produce the concepts I've gleaned til now, that system of reason and meaning I've built from the ground up with the twigs of my memories and the glue of my pride, which I've held close in a secret embrace lest anyone else see its value and infringe my copyright (which is funny, since in my "system" copyright is looked down upon, even if in condescending "compassion"), or worse, be overlooked or belittled. So I begin to put my system out into words... and then comes judgement again: "but am I gloating now?" The pride, the vanity stored in my secrets now appears oozing between the cracks, so then walks in the shame of pride (so, do I think I'm better than others and that I've learned some of the ultimate secrets of existence?), which I notice, then either comes pride of shame (Oh, just look at my humble being, recognizing my faults), or shame of shame (Such a silly thing to feel - we're all just what we are, what else could we be? Shame on your shame!), or even both together, and a chain reaction quickly spreads through my volatile thoughts, leaving my brain confused, filled with two "opposing" emotions, not knowing whether to secrete the hormones for superiority or inferiority, and I stare, deer-eyed into my own confusion. And shame on that...

Even now I tiptoe my way around attaching possessive articles to my own unwanted emotions... still in shame? In denial? In the hope that the power of my self-deprecating words is lessened by making them ambiguous? Somehow I doubt that the power of intention in words is a big stickler for grammar. But everything is... so everything counts, even these tiny defensive acts. Whether they help set me free or burden me further, my mind hasn't made up "its mind" yet.

Or another thought: "Am I talking too much about me? Am I being too self-centered?", blind to the glaring irony, staring at me facepalm.

And at times I swung back and forth between worship and disbelief "oh my god, it's really her! And what she says, oh it's so beautiful! And touching! I could follow her, I could give myself fully to her! What other worthier purpose?". Enter self-consciousness. "What are you doing, you look like a squealing fan girl! Get yourself back up together!" Enter the justifier. "Why should I hold back, if these emotions are true and strong? Let them be what they are!" Enter reality check. "Anyway, how do you know what she is saying is true? Universally true? Her demeanor, behavior, wisdom all check out, but how I can be SURE?" Self-consciousness: "Here, let me share the things I know, and we can see if they match!" Then follows pride if they do, shame if they don't, and soon I'm bound and gagged again within my inner disarray.

Shadowboxing. More like shadow bickering. If my emotions actually knocked each other out, "it might at least get simpler", I hear my self-pity say.

"Silly you. Why worship her? You know form is not what truly is"
"But EVERYthing IS!"
"So you think this is a game of logic, right? Because you think you're such a master of logic? Haha, because you manage to beat yourself every time?"
"Comparing myself to others is futile. The world is SO RICH!"
"So you think you have all the answers?"
"No, but I'm trying"
"So you think you're better because you don't claim to anything? What a trivial, meaningless solution to claim nothing, and to never be wrong..."
"But all IS as simple as that..."

"And so what if you write this, and you publish it? Do you want her to see it? Why? So she can know that your mind also goes nuts at times? Or to prove that you are also aware of it?"
"Just to say it... it wants to be said"
"Sure, blame the emotions... THEY want it, and you just follow their will. Riiight"

And still I hesitate to say, even to myself, that what I want, plain and simple, is to spend more time with her, sharing thoughts, emotions, studies, reading what we like, me basking in the light of her gentle intention, listened by her, and to learn to listen, and to remember what she wants us all to remember: That We Are. And to have my soul soothed by her living, marvelous proof that the meaning of Life is benign.

And to say all those unsaid conversations I thought of too late, or tripped myself into not telling her in that moment.

- You're the first person I've ever met both inside and outside of the Rainbow Gathering.
- You're the first person who ever visited me at this apartment. But you knew that.
- And when you said "I'm a little monk, and so tonight I'm not expecting any kind of physicality. I tell you for the sake of transparency and clarity", I wished I would've simply said "The connection I feel with you is so much deeper than physical, I seek nothing else", instead of going out and rambling about like I did.
- "I want to be your disciple", plain and simple, is what I felt like saying when I bumbled about so long that last morning. And about a psychic, but that's another story.
- "Your actions and initiatives are deep and beautiful, I love them. How can I help?" is something else I neglected to say.
- What does "Samsungs my HTC?" refer to, in your poem, "Google man"?
- I feel you did write "Google man" for me, though you might not have known.
- You look like Aurora from Sleeping Beauty.
- Your use of words is AMAZING. Ok ok, OUR use of words, then, my love :)