I see in me now, meek fears that don't show up their head until they're no longer relevant. "Is it over?", they ask, and come up from the shadows they were hiding in, and float in the shaky uneasiness of my afterthoughts. "What if she thinks I don't know enough, am too naive to understand, am at too low a level, am not ready for it?" (Whatever IT is I might be hoping to... achieve, know, understand, perceive, be?) So I attempt to say, to be eloquent and produce the concepts I've gleaned til now, that system of reason and meaning I've built from the ground up with the twigs of my memories and the glue of my pride, which I've held close in a secret embrace lest anyone else see its value and infringe my copyright (which is funny, since in my "system" copyright is looked down upon, even if in condescending "compassion"), or worse, be overlooked or belittled. So I begin to put my system out into words... and then comes judgement again: "but am I gloating now?" The pride, the vanity stored in my secrets now appears oozing between the cracks, so then walks in the shame of pride (so, do I think I'm better than others and that I've learned some of the ultimate secrets of existence?), which I notice, then either comes pride of shame (Oh, just look at my humble being, recognizing my faults), or shame of shame (Such a silly thing to feel - we're all just what we are, what else could we be? Shame on your shame!), or even both together, and a chain reaction quickly spreads through my volatile thoughts, leaving my brain confused, filled with two "opposing" emotions, not knowing whether to secrete the hormones for superiority or inferiority, and I stare, deer-eyed into my own confusion. And shame on that...
Even now I tiptoe my way around attaching possessive articles to my own unwanted emotions... still in shame? In denial? In the hope that the power of my self-deprecating words is lessened by making them ambiguous? Somehow I doubt that the power of intention in words is a big stickler for grammar. But everything is... so everything counts, even these tiny defensive acts. Whether they help set me free or burden me further, my mind hasn't made up "its mind" yet.
Or another thought: "Am I talking too much about me? Am I being too self-centered?", blind to the glaring irony, staring at me facepalm.
And at times I swung back and forth between worship and disbelief "oh my god, it's really her! And what she says, oh it's so beautiful! And touching! I could follow her, I could give myself fully to her! What other worthier purpose?". Enter self-consciousness. "What are you doing, you look like a squealing fan girl! Get yourself back up together!" Enter the justifier. "Why should I hold back, if these emotions are true and strong? Let them be what they are!" Enter reality check. "Anyway, how do you know what she is saying is true? Universally true? Her demeanor, behavior, wisdom all check out, but how I can be SURE?" Self-consciousness: "Here, let me share the things I know, and we can see if they match!" Then follows pride if they do, shame if they don't, and soon I'm bound and gagged again within my inner disarray.
Shadowboxing. More like shadow bickering. If my emotions actually knocked each other out, "it might at least get simpler", I hear my self-pity say.
"Silly you. Why worship her? You know form is not what truly is"
"But EVERYthing IS!"
"So you think this is a game of logic, right? Because you think you're such a master of logic? Haha, because you manage to beat yourself every time?"
"Comparing myself to others is futile. The world is SO RICH!"
"So you think you have all the answers?"
"No, but I'm trying"
"So you think you're better because you don't claim to anything? What a trivial, meaningless solution to claim nothing, and to never be wrong..."
"But all IS as simple as that..."
"And so what if you write this, and you publish it? Do you want her to see it? Why? So she can know that your mind also goes nuts at times? Or to prove that you are also aware of it?"
"Just to say it... it wants to be said"
"Sure, blame the emotions... THEY want it, and you just follow their will. Riiight"
And still I hesitate to say, even to myself, that what I want, plain and simple, is to spend more time with her, sharing thoughts, emotions, studies, reading what we like, me basking in the light of her gentle intention, listened by her, and to learn to listen, and to remember what she wants us all to remember: That We Are. And to have my soul soothed by her living, marvelous proof that the meaning of Life is benign.
And to say all those unsaid conversations I thought of too late, or tripped myself into not telling her in that moment.
- You're the first person I've ever met both inside and outside of the Rainbow Gathering.
- You're the first person who ever visited me at this apartment. But you knew that.
- And when you said "I'm a little monk, and so tonight I'm not expecting any kind of physicality. I tell you for the sake of transparency and clarity", I wished I would've simply said "The connection I feel with you is so much deeper than physical, I seek nothing else", instead of going out and rambling about like I did.
- "I want to be your disciple", plain and simple, is what I felt like saying when I bumbled about so long that last morning. And about a psychic, but that's another story.
- "Your actions and initiatives are deep and beautiful, I love them. How can I help?" is something else I neglected to say.
- What does "Samsungs my HTC?" refer to, in your poem, "Google man"?
- I feel you did write "Google man" for me, though you might not have known.
- You look like Aurora from Sleeping Beauty.
- Your use of words is AMAZING. Ok ok, OUR use of words, then, my love :)
Even now I tiptoe my way around attaching possessive articles to my own unwanted emotions... still in shame? In denial? In the hope that the power of my self-deprecating words is lessened by making them ambiguous? Somehow I doubt that the power of intention in words is a big stickler for grammar. But everything is... so everything counts, even these tiny defensive acts. Whether they help set me free or burden me further, my mind hasn't made up "its mind" yet.
Or another thought: "Am I talking too much about me? Am I being too self-centered?", blind to the glaring irony, staring at me facepalm.
And at times I swung back and forth between worship and disbelief "oh my god, it's really her! And what she says, oh it's so beautiful! And touching! I could follow her, I could give myself fully to her! What other worthier purpose?". Enter self-consciousness. "What are you doing, you look like a squealing fan girl! Get yourself back up together!" Enter the justifier. "Why should I hold back, if these emotions are true and strong? Let them be what they are!" Enter reality check. "Anyway, how do you know what she is saying is true? Universally true? Her demeanor, behavior, wisdom all check out, but how I can be SURE?" Self-consciousness: "Here, let me share the things I know, and we can see if they match!" Then follows pride if they do, shame if they don't, and soon I'm bound and gagged again within my inner disarray.
Shadowboxing. More like shadow bickering. If my emotions actually knocked each other out, "it might at least get simpler", I hear my self-pity say.
"Silly you. Why worship her? You know form is not what truly is"
"But EVERYthing IS!"
"So you think this is a game of logic, right? Because you think you're such a master of logic? Haha, because you manage to beat yourself every time?"
"Comparing myself to others is futile. The world is SO RICH!"
"So you think you have all the answers?"
"No, but I'm trying"
"So you think you're better because you don't claim to anything? What a trivial, meaningless solution to claim nothing, and to never be wrong..."
"But all IS as simple as that..."
"And so what if you write this, and you publish it? Do you want her to see it? Why? So she can know that your mind also goes nuts at times? Or to prove that you are also aware of it?"
"Just to say it... it wants to be said"
"Sure, blame the emotions... THEY want it, and you just follow their will. Riiight"
And still I hesitate to say, even to myself, that what I want, plain and simple, is to spend more time with her, sharing thoughts, emotions, studies, reading what we like, me basking in the light of her gentle intention, listened by her, and to learn to listen, and to remember what she wants us all to remember: That We Are. And to have my soul soothed by her living, marvelous proof that the meaning of Life is benign.
And to say all those unsaid conversations I thought of too late, or tripped myself into not telling her in that moment.
- You're the first person I've ever met both inside and outside of the Rainbow Gathering.
- You're the first person who ever visited me at this apartment. But you knew that.
- And when you said "I'm a little monk, and so tonight I'm not expecting any kind of physicality. I tell you for the sake of transparency and clarity", I wished I would've simply said "The connection I feel with you is so much deeper than physical, I seek nothing else", instead of going out and rambling about like I did.
- "I want to be your disciple", plain and simple, is what I felt like saying when I bumbled about so long that last morning. And about a psychic, but that's another story.
- "Your actions and initiatives are deep and beautiful, I love them. How can I help?" is something else I neglected to say.
- What does "Samsungs my HTC?" refer to, in your poem, "Google man"?
- I feel you did write "Google man" for me, though you might not have known.
- You look like Aurora from Sleeping Beauty.
- Your use of words is AMAZING. Ok ok, OUR use of words, then, my love :)
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