Entitled

Go.
So what I am doing now?

I'm sitting at a cafe,
eating
food
fruit salad
half a sandwich
peach french soda

but
what am I doing?
to what intent?

Seeking out...
what?
I mean,
I have this whole day to myself
well,
brunch at 11 with Amir and Laleh
but afterwards,
so much time
and so little intention
what...
what...
what...
and at times I have all these things
that I want to do..
but now....
that I have all this time...
I do none of it????????
What is up with me?
so many things I want to do
practice
or at least be
or have done
read
lobsang rampa, the third eye
F.O.A.
Rumi
The Book of Hours.
practice
the violin
dancing
physical exercise
singing
go out
biking
hiking
to the beach
to Santa Cruz beach, with the concerts
to San Francisco

but what I actually do is
lay in my bed, turn my laptop on,
and watch Netflix
or facebook
or other videos I'd rather not mention here.
in a grotesque show
of willful sloth.
Why???

I know why.
Or at least I know the what the first barrier is.
My own
stubbornness
entitlement
to what Diana the psychic foresaw.
I'll meet my soulmate?
Ok.
When?
"soon"
So vague.
But it'll happen "soon".
So..
it'll happen soon.
And I feel anxious.
And wait
And await
And await
and await
and don't want to do anything else
BECAUSE
I'm waiting
I want THAT
I want company
a girl
a partner
to do stuff with
to talk about stuff with
to share anything and everything with.
And nothing else
is
a
satisfactory
replacement
or even distraction
for that moment.
And the effort I'd expend,
pleasurable and productive as it might've been (without Diana's prediction)
is barely even a pale shadow
in comparison

but so now
I wait
and wait
let time flow right in front of me
without even wanting to dip my toes in.
Because I'm waiting for something to show up
in that river.
Be faster, flow.
FASTER
Bring her
NOW!!