I've been very lonely these days..
I wish someone would ask me how I am. And really meant it, and was willing to listen to everything I had to say, and would listen with sympathy, and were here, lived right close, and showed concern about my present situation. Which externally seems just fine and dandy, but in which internally, I'm........ sad.
But since no one asks me, well then...
I guess I can't be too picky...
I'll use the friend that has not yet failed me:
the recordable medium.
Sometimes paper, most often digital ASCII on a diversity of mediums. So many mediums. Magnetic, solid-state, optical, electric signal, electromagnetic signal, displayed on a screen, ink on paper, graphite on paper, burnt thermal paper, vocalizations, or simply thoughts. But now, solid-state drive, aided by on-screen projection for my benefit.
So thank you, recordable medium. And I guess eventually the listener is myself, and I feel sympathy for myself, so I scrape some skin off some other part of my psyche to patch the one that's currently hurting. Self-pity, or self-loathing due to self-pity, will come to bite eventually. But for now, maybe I'll find motivation after throwing all my demotivators out into the wind. In a manner of speaking.
I'm alone. I have no one to hang out with. My workmates have their own lives. And would not make the right kind of friends anyway... mixing them up might be problematic later on. Jingyi seems like a good person to hang out with, but we have little in common. Hendrik's married, Deepa's married, Erin lives in SF, JP is married (and gone), Yves is married, Panna is married, and everyone else seems a bit distant. I imagine I also seem like that myself in the office. But work relationships don't seem like the right kind to evolve into a hanging-out relationship. Unless it is - but I have no precedent.
Cathy was a great companion. But she's gone now. And even in the later days, she had found Dakotah and was no longer hanging out much with me. Alice came in for two nights and a day, and we had great fun..... but it simply piqued my appetite for companionship and connection, and now I find myself thirsting for it. Especially because she didn't answer me on any medium, after I put work into making her site, Love's Lexicon, one more like the site she envisioned. And her site, thatweare, I tried to migrate into a site she might find more customizable. And I wrote her a letter, seeking out her help about my own internal issues... because she put out a form for people to write into. And I did. And no response. None at all. No "your issues are dumb". No "let me help you". No "well that sucks". No sympathy, no disdain, no response. That disappointed me.
As with Montse. She came to the area, a bit distraught and needing some help with her furniture. I helped her. We went to IKEA, spent some time together, had a nice time. Had a nice weekend together, as I remember. Loaned her money. Got paid back. I invited her to a dance class at Google. I thought we'd talk some more. Then again, weeks passed... and nothing. No response. "Hey, wanna have dinner?" Nothing. "Wanna hang out on the weekend?" Nothing. "Wanna meet?" Nothing. I thought it pretty inconsiderate of me. Especially because I distinctly remember having told her that I wanted to talk to her at some time. I wanted to tell her some deep issues about myself. I wanted to share some stuff. Because I trusted her, I trusted her to deem my feelings important enough to be listened to. As I listened about her dog and her ex-boyfriend and her family in Mexico. But nope, no answer. Not even "hey, I'm busy". "Hey, I can't talk to you now". "Let's not talk anymore, I have other friends now". Nope. Nothing. I'm pretty nonplussed about her these days.
And I guess that's it. I've been spending my evenings and weekends alone, and found some solace playing Ingress and watching movies. Roads to further solitude, the way I see it, and that's not what I'm looking for. "Talents are nurtured in solitude", I know the quote. But what I want these days, what I yearn, is company. Experience sharing, trust, proximity to share, eagerness to hang out with each other. And if that person is of the female attractive (I mean pleasant to see and spend time with, not gravitationally powerful) kind, so much the better.
I wish someone would ask me how I am. And really meant it, and was willing to listen to everything I had to say, and would listen with sympathy, and were here, lived right close, and showed concern about my present situation. Which externally seems just fine and dandy, but in which internally, I'm........ sad.
But since no one asks me, well then...
I guess I can't be too picky...
I'll use the friend that has not yet failed me:
the recordable medium.
Sometimes paper, most often digital ASCII on a diversity of mediums. So many mediums. Magnetic, solid-state, optical, electric signal, electromagnetic signal, displayed on a screen, ink on paper, graphite on paper, burnt thermal paper, vocalizations, or simply thoughts. But now, solid-state drive, aided by on-screen projection for my benefit.
So thank you, recordable medium. And I guess eventually the listener is myself, and I feel sympathy for myself, so I scrape some skin off some other part of my psyche to patch the one that's currently hurting. Self-pity, or self-loathing due to self-pity, will come to bite eventually. But for now, maybe I'll find motivation after throwing all my demotivators out into the wind. In a manner of speaking.
I'm alone. I have no one to hang out with. My workmates have their own lives. And would not make the right kind of friends anyway... mixing them up might be problematic later on. Jingyi seems like a good person to hang out with, but we have little in common. Hendrik's married, Deepa's married, Erin lives in SF, JP is married (and gone), Yves is married, Panna is married, and everyone else seems a bit distant. I imagine I also seem like that myself in the office. But work relationships don't seem like the right kind to evolve into a hanging-out relationship. Unless it is - but I have no precedent.
Cathy was a great companion. But she's gone now. And even in the later days, she had found Dakotah and was no longer hanging out much with me. Alice came in for two nights and a day, and we had great fun..... but it simply piqued my appetite for companionship and connection, and now I find myself thirsting for it. Especially because she didn't answer me on any medium, after I put work into making her site, Love's Lexicon, one more like the site she envisioned. And her site, thatweare, I tried to migrate into a site she might find more customizable. And I wrote her a letter, seeking out her help about my own internal issues... because she put out a form for people to write into. And I did. And no response. None at all. No "your issues are dumb". No "let me help you". No "well that sucks". No sympathy, no disdain, no response. That disappointed me.
As with Montse. She came to the area, a bit distraught and needing some help with her furniture. I helped her. We went to IKEA, spent some time together, had a nice time. Had a nice weekend together, as I remember. Loaned her money. Got paid back. I invited her to a dance class at Google. I thought we'd talk some more. Then again, weeks passed... and nothing. No response. "Hey, wanna have dinner?" Nothing. "Wanna hang out on the weekend?" Nothing. "Wanna meet?" Nothing. I thought it pretty inconsiderate of me. Especially because I distinctly remember having told her that I wanted to talk to her at some time. I wanted to tell her some deep issues about myself. I wanted to share some stuff. Because I trusted her, I trusted her to deem my feelings important enough to be listened to. As I listened about her dog and her ex-boyfriend and her family in Mexico. But nope, no answer. Not even "hey, I'm busy". "Hey, I can't talk to you now". "Let's not talk anymore, I have other friends now". Nope. Nothing. I'm pretty nonplussed about her these days.
And I guess that's it. I've been spending my evenings and weekends alone, and found some solace playing Ingress and watching movies. Roads to further solitude, the way I see it, and that's not what I'm looking for. "Talents are nurtured in solitude", I know the quote. But what I want these days, what I yearn, is company. Experience sharing, trust, proximity to share, eagerness to hang out with each other. And if that person is of the female attractive (I mean pleasant to see and spend time with, not gravitationally powerful) kind, so much the better.
No comments:
Post a Comment