Re-Re-Evaluation

I wrote this over a year ago, in September 2011, saved it as a draft titled "Re-Evaluation", and then I edited a prefix that referred to TK and our talk about optimizing according to what we believe is our best estimate of the true probability distributions, plus a few other phrases here and there that specify details on which girls I refer to, and other such things. But this is the original text, and I found it in my Gmail! Only about 2:30 hours after I deleted it! I am happy :D. (Not as much as if I had recovered the version of the full draft, but this is way better than I had expected! I even rewrote the whole thing from memory in the last half hour (with much paraphrasing and omission, I'm sure)). So this is not the real thing, but it's much better than nothing. Cool!

(I decided to add in a couple of other things that I remember from the full post draft. They're marked with grey italics)

After being needed, physically and emotionally, by more than one girl in only a month, my self-esteem and my priorities in Life are morphing. A month ago, I had not yet traveled to Nicaragua for the second time to see Carmella, and only a few weeks later, I saw Laura and kissed, caressed, and copulated with her.

And after having created, designed, and danced during one week of ChoreoLab and having received approval upon my results, my confidence in my creations has also been enhanced.

Put together, the changes I've experienced are not small. I don't feel an overarching want for the desire and approval of girls. Even hot ones. My last two girls are hot. Very hot. And after experiencing them intimately in several levels, I've realized, fully and truly, that they are only human. Like I once read online somewhere, I feel I've put the pussy down from the pedestal.

So... if my priority is not girls now, what is it? I don't mean to say that girls were the only thing I thought of... but they were very valuable in my inner market of... values? I would've rathered spent close time with a hot girl than, say, get a delicious meal, or spend time with a good friend... if I had to choose between a hot girl and anything else, hot girl had the advantage. They were, like, my constant secret desire I would always try to lean towards. But now... I'm not so sure.

So if girls become no longer as important, I wonder if something else has to take their place? I prefer that nothing does... I have the inkling that it is better not to need or want anything. I just wonder how will my psyche, my personality, change. My habits, my attitude towards people, towards girls, towards my family. Leila once said I held nothing as sacred. Maybe I did hold girls as sacred. Now not as much, I feel. Am I detaching myself fully? that would be nice.

Will I begin trips into inner meditation, and discover the secrets of my mind, body, and soul? Will my recent confidence in my creativity develop into an eager attitude of creation wherever I go? I find that choice determines so much. I choose to... find out :) And to be happy :) And to project into the world what I feel and think. :D

if a girl is no longer as important through its physical attractiveness, what is she important through? Mental acuteness, high ideologies, impressive skills, exotic hobbies and adventures, awesome creativity. That mixed in with physical attractiveness. Still important, but not overarchingly so. What a change.