Self-sufficient

I have reached the point at which I feel self-sufficient. Not fully recovered, for sure, but if I had to live completely by myself, I could manage without much trouble.

Today I went outside, walked around the block, crossed a few streets with medium traffic, walked 3 blocks to an elementary school playground, and spent about 20 minutes there. I sat on a swing, swung myself to a pretty good height with my own legs, braked pretty fast with my feet against the floor, and then played on the metal structure for a while. I hung from my arms and lifted myself up a few times, and used one of those sliding thingies that you hang onto from one platform and takes you to the platform on the other side. I felt quite a bit better than the previous time I went there. That's just how I felt... self-sufficient. Barely, but enough.

So that's good news, right? I'm still waiting to start running, though. Jogging, running, sprinting, jumping, leaping, landing, crouching, climbing, hanging, swinging, hopping, lifting, skipping, dancing, DDRing, ice skating, skiing, skydiving, pole-vaulting, heelying, punching, kicking, swimming, biking, breakdancing, hand-walking, and doing that russian dance where they jump when they're crouching with their arms folded on their chest.

I'm looking forward to it :).

Tentative schedule 2011

(I found this among old texts. The number in parenthesis indicates the amount of roundtrip flights I'd need until then):

Tentative schedule 2011:
February 24 - March 10: Pittsburgh (0.5)
March 11 - March 24: Austin (1.0)
March 25 - March 28: Miami? / Guatemala (1.5)
March 29 - May 30: Guatemala (spirit)
May 31 - Aug 24: Pittsburgh (spirit/2.0)
Aug 25 - Sep 4: Burning Man (2.5)
Sep 5 - 2015: Pittsburgh (3.0)

The Articulate Mime

I like this oxymoron. I just made it up. "Articulate Mute" also sounds good.

Self-description

• Objective
• Empathetic
• Optimistic

Mariachis

I really don't like Mariachi music.

Failure

I wonder if my life is a failure so far? Numbers and stats may indicate so. No job, no active income source, dwindling money reserves, living with my parents, injured body, bleak and unproductive days for 3+ months now, no active girlfriend.

It might be a failure under some criteria, but in general, I'm ok. Like, not anxious or anything. Or filled with regret. OK, maybe I'd like to not have been involved in the bike accident a few months ago. But that's it - the rest is ok. And even if my Life were to go downhill all the way from now on, well, it'll eventually end, right? I guess it depends on expectations. Having a successful Life might be considered like winning the lottery. So if it doesn't happen, oh well, right? Death eventually comes. I wonder what that feels like. That must depend on the method. In general, I guess my body alarms will trigger, maybe a bit of pain, blurriness, lack of sensation, and a quick descent into unconsciousness and oblivion. Doesn't sound too bad at all. No idea about what happens after, but hey, we're all going there sometime.

Besides, it could be waaaaaaaay worse. I'm living in paradise in comparison to many other people. I live in a cozy house with temperature control, I have food to eat, I have loving family around me, I have internet access, and I have good friends, even if at a distance. I'm educated, I have useful skills and knowledge, including computer skills, which are almost ubiquitously useful these days, and I have freedom. I'm not a slave forced to work in diamond mines in Africa, I'm not kidnapped, my body is pretty much complete (no missing limbs or organs), I'm not a paralyzed person unable to communicate his death wish to the world, I'm not mentally disabled, and I'm not being forcefully used as a subject for intrusive and mind-blowing (literally) brain research.

I think that in general, having the ability to end one's life at any point is a fair privilege. The ability to pull the plug, to power off whenever things go terribly wrong. It's better to have it than not to have it, am I right?

Walk

Waling out of my house today, I began to think about recofrding my 8images into my mind. Never before had I done that, well, maybe once in a while, but barely ever. So I decided to utilize my brain's capacity to accumulate memories and practice the accumulation process somehow. So I was just walking out the chain-link fence of my house, and I saw the neighborhood. The sun was out in winter-style, slightly bleak, but still enough to shine on the sky and make it blue. The neighborhood somehow looked more colorful with the extra sunlight 0 I was able to see a yellow, a white house across teh street. I moved my head slowly from left to right as I observed the neighborhood with increased attention, and then decided to begin my walk to the right, headin gtowards Kimball Avenue. As I walked on the sidewal, a pine tree caught my eye, still green in the very middle of winter. I was looking at it as I walked, and then a movement caugh tmy eye on the upper area of my vision. I raised my eyes right as a flock of birds swooped out from over a house rooftop, they were al pigeons, some white, some gray, but from all of them I could seetheir white feathered bellies. They looked magnificent, fklying all in unison. They swooped in front of me, over me, and then were quickl yat my back, having turned left back towards the houses. I followed their trajectory, and I saw them flying fast and beautifully, directly towards the sun. They helped me notice the sun, which I saw mostly as a bright circle with very dark, even black, surroundings, and yellowish tint across the whole sight. That particular scene of the pigeons flying directly towards the sun was incredible. I hope to keep it in my mind for a long time.

I saw the birds swoop in front of me and back to the houses again one more time, and then I lost sight of them. I heard the sound of another pigeon cooing behind me, but I could not locate it, partly because I had left my glasses at the house. As I resumed my walk to the library, I noticed my step to be easier. I was directing less conscious effort to ignoring the pain and compensating for weaknesses, and was instead finding that my walk felt more similar to the walks I used to... make... before the accident, when I walked briskly and happily, sometimes hurriedly. I did not feel in a rush at the time, but my steps managed to be longer and more balanced. The constant itch to support my step with the cane just because it was in my hand proved with every few steps to be more unnecessary, and I quickly found myself carrying it horizontally in front of me while walking quite comfortably.

As I walked south on Kimball, I remember a man hurrying inside Lucky Vito's Pizzeria's green entrance, protruded on the street. Right after passing under the Bloomingdale bridge, I looked to the other side to see if it was safe to cross. There was a car coming, but it very kindly gave me the right of passage to the other side. When I reached the other side, the bus that going up north stopped, thinking I meant to board it. I kindly declined, since I was going south, and the driver then politely gestured goodbye with a tip of his hat. Luckily, I was now on the side of the street where the archery place that had caught my attention was located. I thought that since strength in the arms and shoulders is needed to string and/or shoot a bow, that it might be a good exercise to follow for my therapy. Besides, it seems like an interesting extra quirk to learn, and useful if I were to find myself involved either in a battle between native primitive tribes in Africa, or alone in a deserted area with only a bow and arrows, and nothing to eat but small fast animals, impossible to catch by direct contact.

Anyway, I went to the door and saw the sign, but decided not to ring the bell. Instead, I asked a man outside who was just de-icing his car tires whether he knew about the archery place, and he said he did, and that there was no one there. He told me to look them up online as "bow archery chicago", so I said I would and thanked him for his time. I returned to the sidewalk and built momentum walking again, still briskly and comfortably. Well, relatively. Now that I think about it, I recall myself, at the beginning of my walk, still in McLean Avenue, reciting an affirmation I crafted for myself at that moment. "I am happy now that I am running. I am happy now that I am running. I am happy now that I am running!" I did not say it out too loud, but I talked with conviction, and imagined my feet moving as if they were running to the library, on the same path I was taking now! Of course, I didn't actually run to the library, but I did walk in a very improved manner! That's pretty cool :).

Anyway, afterwards I saw a couple of things on the sidewalk where I passed through. A sign on a door that said "Your Life is My Life", in big white letters over a black background, meant to catch attention and with a theme that reminds one of urban violence. In smaller print it said "Removing violence from the streets starts with ME." I thought I liked that sign. I wasn't exactly sure what it meant... was the resident of that house a violent person, attended some kind of workshop, repented, and decided to post the pre-designed sign on his door to declare his conversion to non-violence? Or is the resident a non-violent person by default, and his intention of posting the sign is to deter other non-violent people, thinking that they will read this sign, have guilt inspire them, and repent themselves?

Anyway, I kept walking, and saw a plastic grocery bag with some pieces of paper inside it. It was right where the cars passed by, so I thought that it shouldn't be there. I walked towards it, lifted it up by one of its hangers with the tip of my cane, and threw it on the sidewalk. Then I kept walking. I slipped slightly a few times over the ubiquitous ice, and was impressed by some of the layers. Over some low layers of concrete, there sometimes was a very thick and smooth layer of ice. I attempted to break it with repeated thuds of my cane against it, but I couldn't even make a dent in it.

Well, later I continued walking until I reached the library, and I sat down on a table opposite to a pretty girl with a Mac with a back cover that looked like this:

She made it herself, she said, so that's pretty cool :) With black shelf liner and an exacto-knife. Now the girl put away her Mac and is reading a book with a lilac cover and black letters.

Non-profit

I've just realized why are entirely good-willed and selfless enterprises so hard to realize and, hence, so rare.

I saw an ad earlier that said "Tips to help you save", and I thought of tips such as buying less over-hyped, useless products like cases especially made for your hard drive or your computer or your pencils or your jewelry, or not trusting and buying products that promise to make you less weight as if by magic, but instead focus on speeding up one's own metabolism and reducing the amount/increasing the quality of the food one consumes. I've learned some other tips from my mom: use sodium bicarbonate instead of toothpaste, or just hot water and salt. Use a slice of lemon instead of deodorant. Keep sugar packets, napkins, and plastic cutlery from the food places you go to, and use them in your house. Or simply reducing the excessive luxuries that some people seem to indulge on.

Of course, these are not the tips that would most likely be included in this ad. Most likely these tips would be to buy certain *kinds* of brands or products *instead* of these others, because they will *save* you money. And indeed, these tips may be true and useful, but they essentially keep consumption levels fairly the same. Advertising of this kind only re-directs the consumers' focus from one product to another, and does not necessarily find the MOST efficient and frugal manner to take care of one's necessities.

But then I thought: "If a mass advertisement were indeed to promote the reduction of consumption, and make people realize that much of what they purchase is frivolously unnecessary, what would be its income source? Who has the resources to fund such a campaign? More importantly perhaps, how can this campaign sustain itself? Who would gain from promoting a campaign that attempts to *reduce* consumers' consumption. Only the consumers themselves, actually - but no single entity will profit financially from such an effect of reduction. And, of course, entities possess only a limited amount of resources to dispose of for such a campaign, so if one is to be, it must be supported by very wealthy philanthropists, or by an aware and selfless community who desires to promote well-being in their fellow people.

There are very few examples to illustrate this concept, however. There are many non-profit organizations who direct their efforts toward some specific objective or another, such as helping underdeveloped communities and families to find education or work, or helping conserve the earth's natural resources and living beings, or other such tasks. But money-finding seems to me to always be a critical point, dependent only a few wealthy, good-willing people, but whose own resources are limited, and who cannot always support such organizations indefinitely. So somehow, most of these non-profit organizations depend upon an artificial source of income - one that is not driven as an effect of the organization itself, but is rather the decision made by a relatively small number of benefactors.

The least artificial example that comes to mind of a non-profit organization is Wikipedia. The one exception in my mind. A tremendously popular online encyclopedia about any knowledge known to mankind, people can browse and search through millions of articles and find almost any answer about objective knowledge that one can think of. Wikipedia produces a huge service to the online community, and it has no other income source except individual donors. Since the amount of people that Wikipedia affects is SO ENORMOUS, the financial support of Wikipedia can become a statistically, financially, well-supported system. Some people will decide to donate, some people will decide not to. Some will donate more, some will donate less. And according to a law of large numbers, the expected amount of support from the Wikipedia users should not be hard to predict, and should with relative ease be predicted. It is not like a business, guaranteed to profit if it sells well. Instead it is a system supported dynamically, holding up on the faith on probabilities that will keep a sufficient amount of the population interested in directly feeding their support unto such a useful enterprise.

Love and sex

Men give love to get sex.

Women give sex to get love.

(It's kinda popular, look it up)

This makes sense to me in a number of ways. The clearest example I can garnish to illustrate this principle is to consider the following:

If a man pursues a woman, he talks to her, wooes her, gets close to her, gives her gifts etc. He expects to eventually reach a level of intimacy with the girl that extends unto the physical level. But if finally the woman does not agree to physical intimacy, the man feels cheated upon. Rejected, down, failed. He offered his love to her but she did not give him what he wanted. The unfulfillment of his goal of sex, or some level of physical love, is a serious downturn for him.

If a man and a woman find each other, like each other, and engage in sexual activities, the woman then expects the man to find her lovely and important, and for them to engage in further activities besides sex - she wants to "talk", she wants to go get some coffee, or share some other menial activity of the sort. She wants him to consider her important enough to spend his time with. But if this does not occur, and the man, satisfied with his physical goal achieved, disregards the woman as used and unimportant, then it is the woman who feels cheated upon, failed, rejected, worthless at times.

But if a man were to meet a woman, have sex with her, and the woman would walk away after, with no sign of love coming from her towards the man, the man would not necessarily feel cheated upon. Some men would indeed feel relieved. And if, in contrast a man and a woman were to meet, have a great conversation, and the man would obviously leak out his love for the woman, idolize her, but make no attempts at physical intimacy, the woman would not necessarily feel cheated upon either. If the woman really wants sex she might feel disappointed, of course, but hardly rejected or cheated upon. The man's attention upon her already marks a success for the woman.

See, for an average single man, sex is a precious commodity. Obtaining it requires effort, planning, and the will to pursue it single-mindedly. For the average single woman, sex is not hard to get, due to the high demand from the men's side, but being truly loved and cherished is not all that common. Supply and demand.

This is not to say that men do not seek love or that women do not seek sex from their partners. Both are comforting aspects to receive, but I believe what I describe is an accurate depiction of the instinctive interests of men and women. The man's "offensive" attitude and the woman's "defensive" attitude towards the game of love and sex are roles deeply embedded in our societies today.

I assert the former based, from the man's perspective, from my own personal experiences and from friends. And the woman's perspective, I base upon experiences from close female friends.

Mother

How to tell her? How can I explain to her that all of her loving, all of her care, her cooking, her chores, all of her help towards me, does so little to trigger love in me? I don't feel it, I haven't felt it for a very long time, and I doubt I ever will again. It must be very hurtful to hear, but if it's true, shouldn't I tell her? Sometime?

That I don't love her, that I resent her. Not hate, that phase is long gone. But resentment remains, itching when I see her trying to get on my good side, pushing, attempting to break the wall that prevents my real feelings from reaching her. But it has rarely ever succeeded, and then only indirectly, passively, through glares and attitudes and letters that only twice she has read.

That I resent her because of her influence in me. Because I notice that in between all of her traits, many are my own, including the ones I hate the most about myself. My lack of conversational wit, my slow sense of humor, my indefinitely flexible attitude towards the needs of others, even at the excessive cost of my own. I dislike these traits in me immensely, and I resent she who embedded them into me, my mother.

Chronicles of a Visualization

I actually posted this two days later than the date will suggest, on Jan 20th 2011, but it was written on the afternoon of the 18th.

Today's visualization exercise became a wonderful mix between meditation exercise, breathing, imagining myself running around the CMU track over and over again, fast, very fast, moving my joints to their utmost capacity and have them perform superbly, imagining myself jumping up and down and rolling forward when landing over and over again, due to happiness of living, of moving, of being fully healthy. As I imagined it more strongly, I moved my joints to the motions of my mind, creating a stronger link between my body and my mind. Faster and faster, I imagined myself jumping forward, so I boosted my arms forward and grabbed one of the metallic bars over the bed. I pulled my whole body with them, breathing calmly and deeply all the time. Then as part of the body movement of jumping, I swung my arms backwards as far as they went, and kept both of them at the same level, grabbing another one of the metallic bars behind me. I kept them there for a long time. As I kept on breathing and felt energy course through my body, I felt stronger, and I released them to grab the next bar further, stretching my arm in healing further. Breathing kept my feelings calm and gave me strength, so I released those and grabbed the bar further away. For a while I thought this was the last one I'd reach, but another sudden surge of determination made me pull my arm one bar further, and I kept it there for as long as my body felt well. I felt some extra-movement being done by my shoulder and back in order to keep that position, but I tried to keep the compensation to a minimum, in order to work the critical area the most.

Excited about the results of the visualization, I had an urge to describe it in writing right away, but then I got a stronger urge to go walk outside and exercise my knees, legs, and ankles. I went outside, but something was different than the previous days. I did not feel the routine of doing the same thing over again - some kind of focus, or lack thereof, had taken over me, and I decided to follow the street until I reached a blue police light that seemed far away - about 4 blocks. So I went ahead and walked all the way to that police light, looking at houses I had never noticed before. Many spanish names on the mailboxes, many spanish signs, and a picture of El Chavo del Ocho clearly reminded me that this neighborhood is primarily hispanic-inhabited.

Upon reaching the police light I aimed for, I noticed something awesome: a playground for children, immediately beside the elementary school my brother used to study at. I was excited by the possibilities of exercising my muscles and joints at the swings and other games there, so I excitedly crossed the street and walked to the swings. I began to swing back and forth, pushing myself off the ground with my cane. It did quite a decent job of bringing me up to a certain height, but then I decided I wanted to swing faster, so I pushed myself off with my feet. It did not hurt to do it, so I kept on doing so. After a while, I was swinging fast and happy, looking around at the residential area around the playground. I saw two very small girls, no older than 6 years old, fully covered in winter attire, walking together through the playground. I saw stop signs, cars, streets, fences, houses - the usual views. Somehow though, looking at them while swinging made everything look more exciting.

I looked up at the chains holding my swing, and I saw a bit of something that looked like a chain sticking out of the actual chain. Fear of falling and breaking something else caught hold of me, so I decided to try to stop. I didn't my trust my feet to safely brake all of a sudden, so I slowed myself down gradually at each swing, and then all of a sudden I put all my weight to stop me completely. This hurt my knee slightly, but not too much.

Then I went to the other games in the playground, and I caught sight of a high handle on which to grab onto that slides from one side to another. I decided this would be excellent exercise for my arm, so I held on to it with both my arms and tried to hang on for a long while. It was very hard to get a complete stretch on my right arm because it stung when I pulled too much. I tried this a few times until I noticed a small snowy wind was coming from the west, and I was starting to feel the cold around me and in my hands. So then I walked back to the house.

And now I just came back, sat on the bed, checked my empty e-mail inbox, and wrote this story.

Consolation

It's lucky that nothing worse happened.

Oh yeah? Well, it's unlucky that nothing better happened.

Big men

Big men built a rainbow.

Answer

Sometimes I write in small text files in a hurry in order to store a quick, seemingly-noteworthy thought before it is overridden or diluted. However, I barely remember writing this. I must have not been fully conscious, because 1) it has a lot of typos, and 2) I can barely remember. Here it is:

The tradeoff that religion has proposed, between worldly goods and the promise of The Kingdom of God, seems like so much deceit sometimes.

They are asking human beings, beings with physical needs, with instincts, desires, survival requirements, to ignore those. To ignore the wants inside of us, and yield to repressing them, to intentionally ignoring that which has guided them during the rest of their lives. ..... Why?? Does that make people who are able to cross tha tgap @better@ becaus ethey value faith and further purpose in the universe than mere Life? Is faith a virtue that is simply not included in our repertoire of instincts that keep us alive?

Or is it more like a mathematical symptom, like we are waves floating and dangling around a point of flatline origin, inside of which we can stabilize ourselves and understand the world and our universe from a clearer perspective?

I don't know. I j ust ask, because it just might possibly trigger someone's answer around here soon.

I'm not even sure who I was referring to when I mentioned someone's answer around here, as if there had been people listening to what I was writing at that time. Strange. Oh, and the file name was answer.txt. Hence the title. I'm sure it's also a recent writing, so it's even stranger that I don't remember.

Girls

• So first I get to make out with a sibling.
• Then I get a cousin's daughter, awesome, sweet, smart, and witty, but with whom I knew our relationship would not last.
• Then I find a hot sensual girl who lives in another country, also unable to be with her.
• Then I get a divorced woman with 3 kids whose relationship with me we had to keep a complete secret from everyone else, including her kids.
• Then I find a girl who is less than a month away from moving away to college.
• Then I get a one-night stand, and not even full.

Not once a girl I can openly, fully embrace and my love for her which I could express without restrictions.

Then I break my body. And then one appears, yielding to me, telling me that she loves me. And she would be great, we share so many things. But now it is I that am limited, unable to fully express my love for her. And probably never again.

My Life, you have a nasty sense of humor.

Deadline

I'm seriously considering Feb 29, 2012 as my deadline in case things are not looking well for me then. The question remains... How?

Feedback

They say some people are kinesthetic, while some are visual, and some are auditive. They say this with respect to how people learn, to what kind of memories are more easily stored, or to how they express their emotions. I have long suspected, and now strongly realized, that a large part of me is kinesthetic. I realize this because, lately, I have encountered experiences that would under usual circumstances make me very happy, extremely joyful, and would have me smiling and laughing and running and perhaps even shouting just because I felt like it. But now, I have barely gotten past a few half-hearted laughs after even very good news, and then I have just settled down into a state of sadly forced apathy.

The first burst of happiness hits me from inside, and I feel like smiling, discreetly at first, and this smile feeds back inside into me, acknowledging the happiness has spread to my body. Then a second, stronger happy wave bursts out and signals me to smile harder, maybe let out a little chuckle or a laugh of satisfaction, which itself feeds back inside into me and continues.

This process used to continue through a full laugh, happy thoughts, raising my arms exclaiming my excitement, finding something to push or pull against, lifting my body from the ground somehow, spreading my limbs as far outstretched as possible, rolling on the floor, walking from one side of the room to the other, pushing myself off the walls, singing, jumping up and down, doing martial art moves, walking out onto the street and walking, or running, or skipping, whichever my body felt like at the time. Each of these movements comes naturally with emotion to me, and the stronger the emotion was, the stronger the physical feedback I felt compelled to act and feel through my body and my environment.

But things have changed. My body is now slower, clumsier, and weaker than it has probably ever been, and I cry both inside and outside as I think of this now. I feel so sorry for having caused this on my body, who is not at fault that I decided to risk it to fast traffic in the morning. I feel sorry for myself, for me in the future - I just find it so hard to believe that I'll ever be able to feel the way I did, because I don't know if I'll ever be able to move the way I did. These days, when happiness comes my way, I am able to resonate it inside me only up until the level of laughs and slight, slow, body movement. Slow, ungraceful, painful movement... not an expression of happiness as I know it at all. This clumsy imitation doesn't resonate into higher levels of happiness, and so the feeling just stops abruptly, like a good song stopping during a good part, or like a glass that can't hold any more water than the level at which it is broken, or like a wind instrument that won't sound right after having its body chipped. I'm trying to describe it... the physical-emotional feedback loop is broken, and any stronger levels of emotion than "light moderate" seem a privilege reserved for the past, and my future seems stuck with a more limited, plain subspace of my emotions. Like the "trial version" of emotions - a limited subset.

Things just seem bleak and flat now. And that is sad. I don't think I can get too sad either, though... I'm going to guess that that is fortunate.

Tight balance

Balance yourself in a tight manner.

Lines I wouldn't expect to hear in a conversation

• Are you a virgin?
• Do you watch porn/which kind of porn do you like?
• Do you masturbate/how often do you masturbate?
• How do you masturbate?
• Do you want to fuck me?
• Would you consider going gay?
• Have you ever had an abortion?
• Are you adopted?

Acer Praise

I bought a refurbished Acer AO532h-2588 netbook a few weeks ago at Micro Center. It was $199.99 + 7% tax. It came with:

• 1GB DDR2 667MHz RAM
• 160GB HDD
• 3 USB ports
• 10.1" screen
• 1.66GHz Intel N450 processor
• 3 USB ports
• SD/media card reader
• Windows 7 starter

Things I thought I might not like about the computer's specs:

• No HDMI
• No Bluetooth
• Windows 7 starter

But I have to say, as I have used this computer for the previous month, I find no inconvenience caused by these three points. 10.1" have been surprisingly enough space for me to see into, so I haven't wanted to output video. Bluetooth, you know - hardly ever useful. And Windows 7 Starter, which I thought would give me the most prominent inconvenience, has not given me the slightest reason to want to change it so far. I'm quite impressed - I was almost sure that 2010 wouldn't pass without me doing a new Ubuntu installation. But nope, it's all good. This may be related to the predominance of internet applications in these times, thus making me focus on the browser instead of the rest of the OS. Then the praise would be for Chrome rather than for W7. But still, I use my share of desktop applications, and W7 has given me no problem.

Windows 7 Starter doesn't let me change the desktop background. And fairly surprisingly, I don't care. I like the default backgrounds it come from, very much. Even the start login screen that shows when the computer boots up - it's a pretty cool green-and-white-diagonal-stripes design with a modest "Acer" print on the lower right. I like the default desktop background it comes with. Blue, smooth, gradient background - light blue Windows logo dead center, and two or three strands of plant-like nature highlighted by a sunlike glare, which itself is the cause of the blue gradient background. It's just nice. I like my new computer.

PS: I played WoW on it, which I think is a fair test of gaming performance, and it was great (the performance, not the game). Also, the battery lasts for a really long time. I'd say at least 3 hours while doing full video chat with full screen brightness. (Dunno what would a more standard benchmark test be). I even like the keyboard, which seems tiny but is actually quite comfortable. And I do have fair keyboard requirements (see Mac Dislikes, bullet point 6).

Anyway, I think my Acer was a great deal. Just saying.

Social obligations

I am currently unemployed, handicapped, and do not have a car. I pretty much stay home all day, and attend no social gatherings. Even so, I seem to not have enough time to keep up with all of my social obligations.

Today was a Saturday, and I thought I would have quite enough time to start reading a book and to do a lot of programming. Instead, I spent the majority of my day talking to people.

• I woke up at 11AM, and was picked up by Aqeela to go to the airport. She drove on the freeway, took a wrong exit once, we got stuck in the middle of the street on a red light - it was fun. We got to the airport, ate at Starbucks, found and used the airport chapel, and came back. It was almost 3PM by then.
• When I got back, I turned on my computer, and David started talking to me. We talked about which computer he should get while he's still in Chicago.
• Then Sara Samy started talking to me. Then Nancy started talking to me about her visiting the dentist and having her wisdom teeth extracted. And then Laura too, telling me she would be online later. Sara Samy told me she wanted to video chat with me, but I told her I was expecting another video call soon, so we stopped talking.
• Then Jerol talked to me, and she wanted to video chat, so we did. For about 2 hours or more.
• Then Laura came online, and so we had the video chat we had planned the day before. We had a nice 1+ hour-long video chat, along with her family.
• Then I programmed for a little bit, but then my aunt came online and talked to me.
• I'd left a message for Echo which she hadn't responded to, but then she came online and we started talking. So we talked for about 3 hours. We just finished talking, and it is now 3:22AM.

There very well seems to be something wrong with this pattern. I barely did anything for myself today. Most of these conversations were nice, entertaining, positive, but I felt pulled from one conversation to the other, again and again, all throughout the day. How to avoid this? Should some friendships be cut? Or be kept with less frequent conversations? The convenience of instant messaging can be a little overwhelming when so many of your contacts find your conversations very likable.

UPDATE: Solution: Do not open instant messaging clients when do not want to be disturbed.

Lau Thoughts

Like purifying the precious metal by heating it to extremes.

Like melting iron and tin to create steel.

Like purifying water by boiling it.

Like coal is crushed and heated to make diamond.

We went into the fire and came out purified.

All truths were spoken, the untried interactions were fulfilled, and even so our bond survived. Stronger now.

Too much is being said, not enough can be seen.

I want to show you how much I care for you, love you, feel you inside, important. We're growing together, and I feel we could grow so much more if we were closer, eye to eye, face to face, hand to hand, smile to smile. Hug to hug. Warmth with warmth. Too much is being lost.

I still wonder if we are meant for together... not meant - is it the good decision? What to decide? Are we what each of us wants? Needs? Aren't they the same?

Personal presence is irreplaceable.

I think too much.

I'm slightly worried that we might be on the high point of a still ongoing transformation. But I'm confident our bond is stronger, and that's not going to change. God, let it be so.

I didn't tell you. I prayed today and decided not to tell you. Prayer should be a personal matter, telling you risks converting prayer into a gift for you, but I think that is not its highest purpose.

Curious(Curious)

I'm trying to describe the facial expression people make when they're unsure, curious, deciding, or trying to understand something. The expression consists of closing the eyelids half-way, not evenly, but as if shrinking the eyes, wrinkling the brow and eyebrows, and sometimes tilting the head, as if to trying to understand it from a better angle. Is there any verb that represents doing this?

I don't know a word for it either in English, in Spanish, in German, in French, or in Japanese, so I couldn't use Google Translate to figure it out. I tried describing what it looks like, like I did in the previous paragraph, on Google and hoping to find someone else who describes it similarly, but I didn't find it. (I found stuff about plastic surgery, though).

I tried going through my memory to find words that are related to facial expressions or something like it, like frown, grin, smirk, snicker, pucker, stare, glare, wince, and grimace, but none of them really fit. "Frown" is close, but it mostly connotates anger or sadness. I'm looking for curiosity.

Then just now I found this page with a list of 100 facial expressions. I've just skimmed it, but it seems to me that the words in the list are mainly feelings, and not facial expressions themselves. I also found this Wikipedia article about Facial Expressions, but I haven't really read it yet, because I've been busy writing this blog post. I'll update this if I find it, but until then, I'm trying to find a suitable temporary replacement. I was thinking of "frince", or "fringe", but they both seem to be taken. Frince is slang for "fucking price", and fringe seems to mean boundary or something. It has to have a soft consonant at the beginning, I think, followed by an "r". The "r" would connotate some kind of force being applied, but in a good way, slight and controlled - in a curious, intrigued manner. "D" or "F" seem like good starting consonants. Yeah... "C", "T", and "P" are too harsh. "N" maybe? Nourl. Hmm. Too cat-like, and ambiguous pronunciation, so no. Hmmm. "Mirate". Hmm... sounds more like something related to what you are looking AT, not so much about your face itself. "Drince". "Dringe". Dringe. Hmm. Dringe. Dringe doesn't sound too bad. I'm sure there's better ones, but that'll do for now.

I dringe. You dringe. He/she/it dringes. We dringe. They dringe. Thou dringest.

I dranged yesterday. I will dringe tomorrow. He is so drunged.

I think the "i" vowel helps. It makes it sound harmless, small, personal, which I think befits an intrigued movement of the face.

But if you know what the actual word is for it, please tell me.

P.S: I found another word for a facial expression: Gurn. You should take a glance at it.

UPDATE: My dad just gave me a word to describe the expression: "quizzical". He looked at me quizzically. But it's either an adjective or an adverb, not a noun or a verb. But it does transmit the description quite accurately.

Unsaid things to Laura

Laura wants to get married and have kids. Wow. I'm quite sure I don't want either of those. I don't think there's much of a middle ground there, though... what to do? Be bluntly honest from the beginning, without giving our relationship a try? I doubt it'd change my attitude towards marriage and children, but we'd probably have lots of good times. It kinda seems like taking advantage of her, though... telling her "maybe" when I know that in the future it'll still be "no". Even if I do give it a genuine try, which is what I plan to do anyway. Kinda like trying to like whole black beans. I don't like them, and I haven't succeeded in my genuine attempts at liking them. Why would anything change inside me?

If we're about confessing everything to each other, I have to say that I'm not sure what I'm really looking for in a relationship. At this point in my life, I would say I am in an exploratory phase, not even sure of what do women act like as girlfriends, how does life "together" work, even at a bf/gf level. All of my relationships so far, which are quite few by themselves, have been secret to others and thus, incomplete. I have mental concepts of what would a full relationship be like, but have no actual experience with it so far. So I am very eager to try out an actual relationship - one in which activities, thoughts, and lives are shared in a more integral manner, and not limited by the fear of anyone finding out about us. At the same time, this fact gives me the feeling that I have no real boyfriend experience, and thus, that I won't be able to fill in "boyfriend shoes" in the "appropriate" manner. I know there is no such thing as a single "appropriate" manner on how to be a "good" boyfriend or partner, but I still have this feeling of "inadequateness" that I hope goes away after taking part in an actual relationship. I think that's why I articulate my feelings instead of showing them, but I'm sure I have much more in myself that I can offer once a certain level of intimacy is reached.

This "inadequateness" extends up to a level in which I feel that I might simply serve you as a phase, in which you are still looking for the kind of relationship that you like, and, having been disappointed with your usual, natural attraction to physical, bold guys, you would like to try out the opposite, cordial and friendly albeit shy option, which I can represent. In this sense, I am happy to be there for you when you need me, but I keep the feeling inside me that you will eventually tire of my shyness and lack of self-confidence, and go off seeking someone bolder, someone who you would *feel*, not *think* you are attracted to. I would prefer it if that did not happen, of course, but none of my experience before me indicates otherwise.

This feeling of probably only being of "use" to you while you "adjust" during this supposed phase of yours that I imagine, I think that it comes from the role that I so often took during high school and university with pretty girls - that of a tutor for a certain class or project. In a nutshell, I could not get pretty girls. I couldn't even talk to them, because of shyness, because of social ineptness, because of a great incompatibility of interests. The only excuse I came up with to be near them was to help them out when they didn't understand class concepts or couldn't get through their homeworks. To tutor them. I understood these concepts more often than not, and was glad to help people out through this, so I became kinda famous for helping people out for free. I gave help to anyone that asked me for it, if I had the time, but it was very often the pretty girls that asked for my "services". Maybe because they were lazy, maybe because they were dumb, maybe because I already circled their social group looking for any valid excuse I could get to be near them. So I think that I came to believe that my role near girls, especially pretty ones, is that of a helper. A servant, a tutor, a guide. Not an equal or a partner, and barely a friend - only a good listener sometimes when they wanted to be heard.

I'm not saying that I consider you at all like them, or that using me as "help" is your intention, either consciously or unconsciously. I know that's not the case. But I think I keep the complex, and if we're being fully, truly, ruthlessly honest, this is something else to be said. I believe we would be great partners in many different contexts - I just hope I can truly fulfill that role when the time comes.

The whining having been said, I want to clarify that I really like you, Laura. Like we've said, our meeting could not have been only a casual coincidence, and I believe we should explore our potential together - I'm sure we have a lot of it. Either in a relationship, a close friendship, or something else, I know we can influence each other in a very positive manner.

And at a more ruthless level:

I like you Laura, physically and mentally. If we become boyfriend and girlfriend, I'll be happy to be together with you. We can watch movies, do things outside, and maybe even have sex. I don't want to force you to do anything, but if it happens, then awesome. I know you don't like pre-marital sex, even if you have already had it. Well I like it, probably because I do not like the idea of marriage. Marriage is a contract, stating "I promise to stay with you forever". Do people think that their relationship will so surely withstand anything in the future? I wouldn't trust it to. Yes, it is a declaration that the relationship is something that they will protect because it is valuable, and because they do not want it to end, and also, "if I think like that, that a relationship will probably fail on the way, then how can I expect it not to? Pessimism does not help at all." But still, I don't see marriage as a way of life for me. Just... no, not unless I really feel like spending the rest of my life with another person. And I have never ever felt that way about anyone. I don't idolize or look forward to the concept of marriage. It may happen that I may love someone so deeply and dearly that I will never want to leave her, and will want to live and share my life with her completely. That possibility has not been discarded in my mind. But until that happens, unless that feeling arises, I see no reason to commit to a lifelong contract.

Yes.

Yes. An Green Rainbow Have The Beautiful Feather. Yes.

Economy

Cada inversión, cada compra que se realiza, apoya a la cadena completa de producción y distribución que precede al producto o servicio adquirido, y a todo ente quien contribuyó a ese proceso. Es una transmisión de "valor" potencial, una pequeña certificación de que ese producto o ese servicio le hace un bien a la sociedad, y promueve su futura repetición.

That is why buying stolen goods promotes robbery and thieves, and buying liquor and drugs promotes further vices among the rest of the society. The more value an entity has been given, the more influence it is allowed to cast upon others. That is how money works. Lately, however - for the whole of my relatively tiny life, in fact, I have learned from society, from my parents, my friends, my peers, that the value of products and services is fairly unidimensional - solely dependent upon its usefulness to oneself, and upon nothing else. But the world, as always, is far more complex than any model we might design to represent it, and if usefulness were to become our only criterion for value in this world, then all other dimensions that pertain to things and people would be devalued, disregarded, and eventually forgotten. It would be quite a shame if that were to happen.

After having thought about this for a while, I think I came to understand sayings such as "Support your local businesses" and "Fair Trade". Things make more sense when you think about the big picture.

Update Aug 21st, 2011: You sponsor what you buy.

Online girls

I am keeping up with a fairly numerous set of girls these days through digital communication. Let's see (in no particular order other than this one):

• Lucía Carrillo (Guatemala)
• Jerol Long (Austin)
• Laura Stokes (Pittsburgh)
• Aqeela Amin (Chicago)
• Sonja Nakasian (Pittsburgh)
• Silvia Oliva (Guatemala)
• Mai-a Ixchel (Guatemala)
• Scarleth Arévalo (Guatemala)
• Cheng Liang Xia (China)
• Scarlet (China)
• Echo Lee (24, Livemocha, China)
• Sara Samy (24, Livemocha, Egypt)
• Elena (27, Livemocha, Russia)
• Tuba (28, Livemocha, Turkey)

Livemocha has extended my set considerably these past few days. Hey, girls want to practice English and talk to my handsome Niagara Falls picture on the site, what can I do?

Wow. I'm an online playboy. It's not really that exciting, though - care to make it real?

Visualization Log

Even sitting up to visualize at 7AM took significant effort from my part today. My back felt cold and it passed bursts of further coldness, as of lack of energy, as I sat up straight. I then visualized Me jumping on one foot, then on the other. Me running to catch the bus, with no pain, at full speed.

Me on the bus, standing, holding on to the hand holders hanging from the ceiling, lifting myself up with them, and then bending my whole body upwards and forward, using the strength in my core.

Then running, swimming, and biking a triathlon, perhaps the Pittsburgh one, with no pain from the injuries, fully able to bend my joints to their maximum potential. I ran, with full steps, strong and fast, I swam with excellent arm technique, with no limitations on either shoulder, pulling myself completely and strongly with each stroke. Then me making wide, equal circles with my two arms, rotating my straight arms with my shoulders all the way, fast, with great momentum, enough to make the blood all go to my fingers and have them hurt. I saw myself with fireworks in my two hands, entertaining Josué and Daniela thus.

And then Laura and me, walking; holding each other, and I'll smile and remember, and tell her "and to think I doubted my body", and we'd both know that I was completely healed and recovered to my normal state, and that again I was capable of all the things I could do before, and more.

P.S: I also saw myself parkouring again on the steel structure of art, yellow, in Pittsburgh, the one made out of girders. Running, climbing, jumping, landing, rolling, with no pain or limitations whatsoever.

Nascent intimacy with Lau

Transcribed from the Lau's blue gift notebook:

Idea #1:
There's a need for intimacy I had never quite fulfilled until now.
Que buena la era de los cellphones, verdad?
Chocolate is not the only thing that warms the heart.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Y mi letra es igual de mala como el tuyo.

As usual, I wonder. I wonder how sacred the ideas that I write into this book should be.

Sometimes I fail by zeal and devotion, and somethings I fail by lack thereof. How precious is this book to me? As a gift from Laura, a 9. By itself, a 7. As a tool to better myself and my handwriting, an 8.

Laura me muestra cariño, aprecio, y repetidas veces, con sus llamadas y su conversación. Me pide consejo, me extraña, soy importante en su vida. ¿Es ella importante en la mía? Sí lo es. Pero siento que así lo son otras amigas, y mi atención y apreciación parece dividida. Quiero enfocar mi atención a quien me ofrece la suya, con quien siento que podemos lograr un mejor futuro.

Some people value others according to the benefits they can reap from them. I'm starting to suspect I exhibit an opposite behavior. Valuing others by the benefits I can give to them. I enjoy teaching people, making a positive influence on them. But if I feel I can't do this, as has been the case during the last few months, my appreciation seems to diminish. Like to Laura - how did I react so neutrally to her offer of love? Not an immediate offer, but before the accident my heart would've fluttered at hearing such a thing. Instead, I analyzed and explained my feelings without changes in my voice, and barely any in my heart. I actually felt powerless to do anything for her, so my feelings did not bloom.

Generous as this attitude may sound. I wonder if the criterion of potential for giving is appropriate for love.

Disappointment

Every morning I wake up with the faint hope that I'll push my body up with my strong arms and I'll land on the floor with my unbroken feet and legs, and that I'll be happy and relieved, overjoyed that the past 3 months in my mind had all been a dream. But no luck so far.