Putting you first

I do not allow myself to put you first if I am not first to you. You cannot be high on my priorities if I am not high on your priorities. I disallow myself from doing so. Too often have I placed someone before me while I was nothing to them. Too often has it hurt so much to realize it.

Yes, you talked to him before talking to me. You talk to him, you plan with him, you are excited about him coming to you and being together again, in all aspects. You fuck him. Then the next morning you see me online and you think "I should touch base with him so he doesn't think I've forgotten him during this time", so you send out your little text heart.

You send out a few lines, to promote casual, innocuous conversation between us. I can see your intentions. I know you do love me, but I know you don't love me like I love you. I know you don't need me like I need you. Priorities change, especially in matters of the heart, and when someone else comes into play.

And I don't allow myself to even fake loving you fully like before. We barter a few questions and answers. She doesn't say much about what she did on her saturday, I don't say much about what I did on my saturday. It could very well be a normal conversation, except that the enthusiasm is so much less than it is other days. We both know it, and we both expect the other one to come up with comments that get to the point. The closest we get is the exchange: "so is robert staying with you?". "yes". "that makes most sense". "yes".

Finally you break the tension and the silence with "i'm getting tired :(", and I'm happy to bid you good night. I just want to stop talking to you, stop the anxiety. How can I love you when I know I am not loved by you in the same way? Or by anyone else? I just can't, I can't. Many of your needs are being satisfied by someone else - I am simply not there to do it. If you have been my only one ever and you have had dozens... and even now I'm not the one closest to you... how can I be most important to you? I just can't. So you can't be that to me. Because when I've tried it, it has always hurt. And it has hurt so much that I, my mind, refuses to go that way again. It hurt so much that it hurts now just to remember it. Those times when I dedicated my mind day and night to a single precious girl for weeks, months, and my utmost joy was yanking a smile, a glance even, from her wandering unattentive face. And even after having done my best to catch her attention, her liking, her trust, her love, it was never enough. And when I realized how much beggar-like effort, and how much time, had I spent on achieving only (when I was lucky) her pity or her pity-based "friendship", tears welled up and my face grew dark, and that's when it hurt. That's when it hurt the most.

But even now it's hurting. It hurts to know that I am so ineffectual in being loved. So unlovable. Even when I try. Even when I don't try. Even why I subtly and jokingly fake caring about them and I become dashing and funny and conversational, and become my most genuine self to show myself as I truly am, and I present myself in the best form I can manage, I still fail. It hurts to fail at something I am already most certain from experience that I suck at. And I really really do my best at it. I just... suck :'(.

I'm not being unfair, or trying to make you feel guilty, or breaking the "open relationship" rule. I'm just expressing my emotions and my feelings as they are. I love you. But I don't want to love you if I will not be loved back. That is so painful.