Roles

I've played many roles in my life. Most of us have, I daresay, but mine naturally feel particularly prolific and multifarious to me.

In retrospect, I rarely gave myself a chance to acknowledge any of these roles, to myself or to others. For when I sometimes stepped into a new role, I believed I could be extraordinary at it, but I unknowingly refused to ever express my vanity outwards.

So I wore each costume as blandly as I could, quiet, unassuming, and noncommittal. But secretly, I clutched onto a deep desire to be seen. I would merely be there, a fly on the wall being only myself. Then one day, without me asking for it or pursuing it, I desired to be recognized. To be admired. For someone to be wowed and bedazzled by my being or my skills, and to be told "Wow! You're amazing at X! Would you like to come do it with us?" Or "do you want to be in our club?". I wanted to feel like my true family had finally found me, its long-lost member, and to be called and embraced all the way into its center where I would feel, finally, that really, truly, with not a trace of doubt, pity, or pretense, I belonged.

The funny thing is, that happened. Many times. Over and over. I was told I was great at different things, and though I was never quite given the Hollywood treatment of "Choose the red pill or the blue pill", nor did I receive an actual Hogwarts letter of admission, I have received words and displays of admiration and acceptance many times. Yet my desire was never satisfied. Without knowing it, I didn't allow it to. In those moments when I was told I was great, I felt as if their words touched that vanity inside me that I hid even from myself, and as this vanity, this crumpled-up flower in the basement would respond and attempt to show itself, my automatic inner denial would panic and come to stomp it back into the basement. "It's not there! Nothing to worry about! I'm still not vain!". This was reflected onto my words as awkward and false modesty, a rejection of their words of approval, and a denial of their own view. But most importantly, I denied my own truth. And I didn't understand why I ended up feeling worse, and more resentful, than before.

I would also never admit my roles because I used to feel very afraid of being proven wrong. Why exactly is now irrelevant. But it was a terrifying prospect. So I took the path of least emotional risk: commit to nothing. If I have claimed no role for myself, then I cannot be told I am bad at something I'm supposed to be good at. I "take away their weapon". Yes, I deprive myself of devoted exploration of any one field, and I pretend the image of the perennial naive student lest I lose the patina of the dilettante. But I *take away their weapon* (this comes out with stubborn, resentful fierceness).

But I have now seen and known my own mechanisms of behavior, and the fears that once held me rigidly are melting away. These days I wonder what truths within me I have not allowed to come out and see the light. This is one of them.

Anyway, I wish to list the prominent roles I've dressed in. They're not all about skills as implied above, but I've felt I've worn them all at some point in my life.

– Mathematical prodigy
– Tenacious joker
– Nonstop gamer
– Ungrateful son
– Lonely teenager
– Free-thinking philosopher
– Religion rejecter
– Sexual reject
– Nimble programmer
– Globetrotting wanderer
– Family fugitive
– Psytrance maniac
– Scoffing skeptic
– Software engineer
– Unwelcome suitor
– Ashamed lover
– Skilful lover
– Greedy lover
– Guilty ex-lover
– Condescending intellectual
– Word wielder
– Dynamic dancer
– Unpolished powerful singer
– Poetry ponderer
– Esoteric enthusiast
– Mushroom initiate
– Theatre improviser
– Extraordinary listener
– Monied man
– The miser
– The donor
– LSD secret-holder
– Epiphany vessel
– Mystical knower
– Worldview weaver
– MDMA partier
– Outright anomaly
– Emotional seer
– Tantric pupil
– Caged monster
– Wayward loser
– Unrecognized wonder
– Lyrical linguist
– Breathwork realizer
– Arcane student
– Music collector
– The renunciant
– Soul listener
– Financial fool
– Ayahuasca journeyman
– Polyamory practitioner
– Human Design autodidact
– Spellbound soulmate
– Sacred Geometry seeker
– NDE watcher
– Channeling follower
– Father figure
– Extraterrestrial explorer

Yes, these have all been prominent in my psyche at some point. They somehow lose their frightful "sharp" edge once I write them out loud, though. Like a rigid block of butter's corners and edges melt into smooth curves once it is taken out of the fridge. Not as sharp, not as dangerous. Just what is.

Unintendedly, this all ties nicely onto the mantra recommended by a video I found this morning:

I am who I am, and that is enough.

https://www.instagram.com/p/DawssQIuuSh/

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But what IS "enough"?

Ok, that's enough.