Aspirations

When I meditate upon my heart,

I find my mind slips almost always

so consistently, so frequently

that it could not be mere happenstance, I thought.

Something there is causing me to slip.

Today I glanced at a clue

a guess at what it might be.

I realized my mind slipped always

onto recent events, which my mind then inhabits

and acts out something else I *could've* done instead.

either onto those or onto portrayals

of something I could do

the words to say what I want to say

the actions to do what I want to do

reaching for outcomes that I didn't know I wanted.

e.g.

How I imagine exposing my true and full self to my family.

The words I imagine writing to express a concept brewing inside me that I find exciting.

How best to use the time that I find myself with, how to play my role.

My guess is that my heart

stores aspirations

Unlived aspired realities

I don't dare or deign to reach for

and that my mind forgets.

They are not, I feel, desires.

For my emotions do not stir for them.

Yet they are in me.

Perhaps my heart keeps these aspirations,

is littered with them, fogged up and veiled.

It knows them to be true,

but unprocessed, unfulfilled

whether through success, through striving, or through conscious dismissal,

And waits for me to find them there

and to remember.

If so, I think I begin to remember.

At least I think I know now

where in me I can search.