twitches

My body felt nervous this morning and twitched repeatedly and frequently, and my mind found no reason for it. It twitched from my solar plexus; and it made my breath twitch as well, inhaling and exhaling 4-6 times per second. I noticed that when I brought my focus to a single point or entity in space, without semantics, without association, the twitches stopped immediately, and they came back as soon as my mind slipped away from the focus, even if for a few milliseconds. I realized how precise this signal was, and I accepted it as an opportunity to practice and to explore my self.

Then I noticed that while I held focus/presence with intention, discomfort arose in my abdomen, particularly in my solar plexus. If I did not notice it or if I ignored it, my body would twitch again, and presence felt interrupted. I perceived that my mind, as it saw the discomfort in my body and saw it unacknowledged, sprang out to seek a solution from, or perhaps to seek relief to, this discomfort. And perhaps then my body felt abandoned and responded in twitch.

When I instead noticed this discomfort and chose to place my awareness on it, my mind did not waver and my body did not twitch. I felt the discomfort fully, held it in wholesome curiosity, as my abdominal muscles became firmer to hold it, and my intent breath provided relief. I breathed directly into the discomfort, which heightened its sensation. And as I exhaled, some of it seemed to wash away, like ocean waves wash and erode jutting rocks on the beach.

I brought this discomfort and bodily twitches to the main sharing circle this morning.

Words arose as I moved, as I truly explored the nature of this discomfort. It was a blockage, a filter that prevented my energy towards a woman from expressing fully. Induced by fear. Fear of hurting them, perhaps. And the fear I noticed this morning was that of the addiction of approval.

I feel I've lived the majority of my life seeking approval from other people. And in particular, I have intensely, voraciously sought out the approval of women around me, in the forms of looks, smiles, company, and sex. And in the last year, this search has diminished to barely a thin shadow of the hunger that I felt before. And I felt that I liked this, that it had happened as a result solely of aware exploration.

My exploration in the circle this morning revealed otherwise. I let out the voice of my hidden desires, and they were still strong. They described the landscapes of breasts, curved backs, butts, and the treasure of pussy they long to explore, ardently. They revealed their presence, and their pain at their inability to manifest as they feel they must.

Then they told me what held them back - my own fear of my addiction. Like an anoxeric avoiding all food, fearful of fatness, addiction, and shame, I have been navigating life and the hallways with women flowing with sensual desires and sexual charge, hesitant to engage deeply and to risk feeling that addictive taste of approval again. Fearful to feel their sensual energies, to fall into infatuation, into addiction, again. Terrified.

I trust, however, that a terror brought to awareness can become a conscious fear. And that this fear, when held and felt in fullness, through the discomfort and pain it brings, is digested and can dissolve entirely. And that then energy can flow smoothly there once more.