sailor moon

 

Toys, toys, sculptures, and tools. What serves us, what comforts us, what helps us feel good.

In an ocean of pressures, signals, urges, and pulls,

one can stray endlessly searching for a clue. An aim, a purpose, a meaning, a truth - anything that can help comfort the crew.

More money, more friends, one's own forever-lover. Approval, redemption, food, knowledge, movies. Safety, stability, a tribe to hold me. Patterns, power.

In the ocean these buoys signal us, they mark and color the world. And the ones that call us, we seek them, there is something there, let us explore. With newness, with our whole self. And delve into the riches, the lessons, the experience these buoys hold for us. Explore, enjoy, feel the places?, shapes, angles, textures.

Integrate. And remember that the moon's reflection is not the moon.

And when shore leave is over, trust that you know and feel when it is over. And fear not to seek anew if called, for no buoy nor island holds the truth you feel.

the lights of the world

 

The lights of the world continue to shine upon each other, against each other, and in continuous, geometric dance. A soup of colors and light rays, a mélange cornucopia of life.

Containing the energy takes focus, and focus colors my view. Objects attain a rich feeling in my perception, warm in my belly, contained in my solar plexus. The pen in my hand claims its space among the air between my hand and the paper.

My hands are sculptural engineering marvels, solid and nimble, and my head sways with delight, stretches as my neck triggers warm, belightful buzzes along my back. I feel here.

children

children who play with sand, windswept and ancient

who play with the sand and move it around

i give some to you, you give some to me

you make sand toys, i want your sand toys

children who see other children and want to play

i'll show you my toys, i want to see yours

children who walk and forget "how they crawled!"

children who run and forget "how they walked!"

children who see bikes and want to go faster

children who biking, see cars and want one too

(unfinished...)

object

An object exists only constrained.

Whichever attributes we choose to define an object with, be it a human body, a flower, a house, a human relationship, a campfire, a meal, a rooster's crow, the color blue, sunlight, a tree, an insect, pain, courage, or a bird - each of these exists only as separate from the rest of the world because of the characteristics we choose to define the object with. Altering any of an object's characteristics beyond the subset of possibilities we define for that object [makes it no longer that object]. Is a human body stretched to 50 meters tall and 20 centimeters wide still a human body? Is a burning forest a campfire? Is a marriage without sexual constraints with other people still a marriage? Is an exact 3D-printed replica of a tree still a tree? Is pain desired still pain? Is a three-winged vertebrate still a bird?

The concepts of extremes and the encouragement of moderation apply to the world because they support the continued existence of objects, like our bodies, our relationships, our possessions. When an object's characteristic along a certain dimension pierces its boundaries, the integrity and stability of the object, whether physically or conceptually, may be compromised, and it may cease to be what it is. Hence, moderation is encouraged between humans and human society because it supports their continued existence.

And yet, only beyond an object's boundaries can an object grow.

twitches

My body felt nervous this morning and twitched repeatedly and frequently, and my mind found no reason for it. It twitched from my solar plexus; and it made my breath twitch as well, inhaling and exhaling 4-6 times per second. I noticed that when I brought my focus to a single point or entity in space, without semantics, without association, the twitches stopped immediately, and they came back as soon as my mind slipped away from the focus, even if for a few milliseconds. I realized how precise this signal was, and I accepted it as an opportunity to practice and to explore my self.

Then I noticed that while I held focus/presence with intention, discomfort arose in my abdomen, particularly in my solar plexus. If I did not notice it or if I ignored it, my body would twitch again, and presence felt interrupted. I perceived that my mind, as it saw the discomfort in my body and saw it unacknowledged, sprang out to seek a solution from, or perhaps to seek relief to, this discomfort. And perhaps then my body felt abandoned and responded in twitch.

When I instead noticed this discomfort and chose to place my awareness on it, my mind did not waver and my body did not twitch. I felt the discomfort fully, held it in wholesome curiosity, as my abdominal muscles became firmer to hold it, and my intent breath provided relief. I breathed directly into the discomfort, which heightened its sensation. And as I exhaled, some of it seemed to wash away, like ocean waves wash and erode jutting rocks on the beach.

I brought this discomfort and bodily twitches to the main sharing circle this morning.

Words arose as I moved, as I truly explored the nature of this discomfort. It was a blockage, a filter that prevented my energy towards a woman from expressing fully. Induced by fear. Fear of hurting them, perhaps. And the fear I noticed this morning was that of the addiction of approval.

I feel I've lived the majority of my life seeking approval from other people. And in particular, I have intensely, voraciously sought out the approval of women around me, in the forms of looks, smiles, company, and sex. And in the last year, this search has diminished to barely a thin shadow of the hunger that I felt before. And I felt that I liked this, that it had happened as a result solely of aware exploration.

My exploration in the circle this morning revealed otherwise. I let out the voice of my hidden desires, and they were still strong. They described the landscapes of breasts, curved backs, butts, and the treasure of pussy they long to explore, ardently. They revealed their presence, and their pain at their inability to manifest as they feel they must.

Then they told me what held them back - my own fear of my addiction. Like an anoxeric avoiding all food, fearful of fatness, addiction, and shame, I have been navigating life and the hallways with women flowing with sensual desires and sexual charge, hesitant to engage deeply and to risk feeling that addictive taste of approval again. Fearful to feel their sensual energies, to fall into infatuation, into addiction, again. Terrified.

I trust, however, that a terror brought to awareness can become a conscious fear. And that this fear, when held and felt in fullness, through the discomfort and pain it brings, is digested and can dissolve entirely. And that then energy can flow smoothly there once more.

vulnerability

I feel I grow each time I see an expression of true vulnerability. As if before, there was what was this and what was that, and they were different. And when I see the vulnerability expressed, the boundary between them dissolves. Or sometimes it unfolds like a flower petal, revealing that the outside and the inside are one and the same.

And then my awareness of the world changes from one which considers these two as separate, to one which encompasses them both as a unified space.

back to heart

body locations

Body locations I feel associated with an emotion or a memory:

• Lower left back, just on the top of my pelvic bone, four centimeters to the left of my spine: it lights up when I feel surprise and the fear of another person seeing my naked body.
• Solar plexus, exactly below the front center of my ribcage: It hurts during intense bouts of jealousy. When I feel I am triggered to some action or reaction, I feel it is powered by my solar plexus. It is also the spot I pressed on while on LSD, and which I feel served as a gateway to the oceanic conscious nature of reality. It is also the center from which body movements are pumped out of me when attuned to high-energy music with a resonant bass.
• Lower front right abdomen, 1 centimeter above my pelvic bone, 6 centimeters to the right of my centerline, deep in the tissue: It feels like a void, and it hurts when I feel the lack of something desired. It was very active when I felt desperate to find a girlfriend, and it triggered when I felt the loss of something dear, or rejection. A feeling of shame.
• Left abdomen below ribcage, all area: It lights up when I feel I have something I feel afraid to lose - something I depend upon as part of my image or my identity. A feeling of pride. I feel it as an object that inflates when triggered, and seems to float and lift the left side of my body above the right. Once I felt it as individual bubbles, which hindered smooth flow on that part of my body.
• Center of forehead, on my skin and within: It buzzes and lights up, in a circular shape on my skin, maybe spherical within, when I feel clear, free from unconscious triggers and reactive behavior. When I feel aware. Sometimes it expands in my head, and it buzzes on my temples and above. At times I feel a pressure of something inside that seeks to grow beyond my ears.
• Left abdomen, between front and back. Denser below than above. Here I locate the focus on my inner feminine. Pressing on it sometimes triggers buzzing energy to flow through my body, which feels cozy, nurturing, healing.
• Perineum: Pressing on it arouses my body, either sexually or towards attention and action.

seams

Seams I see in Life:

• Between the outer experience and the inner experience. Within the body and outside the body.
• Between family life, work life, and personal life.
• Between interactions with people I feel superior, inferior, or equal to.
• Between action and surrender.
• Between having and not having a sexual rapport with someone.
• Between feeling cooperation, competition, or conflict with another.
• Between the end of an activity and the beginning of another.
• Between feeling a fear and moving through the fear.
• Between attraction and repulsion.

It is at these seams I feel energy leaking at times.

As with water piping, the leaks in the flow often occur at the connectors and junctions of the framework.

When I place awareness on a seam in my life, I can identify the object within me that induces this seam, that requires a border between my states of being. It is often a fear, a repulsion to something that brakes (or pulls) the flow, inducing turbulence.

Or it can be an unconscious reactive behavior, left congealed in the past, perhaps induced by fear.

When I focus my awareness on a seam within me, I can feel the discomfort of the associated fear. When I stay and feel the fear, I process it, it softens, and this seam rises to awareness, it is removed from oblivion, and I can processa and dissolve it further when I encounter it again.

In this worlds, a seamless dance feels delightful.

Graceful and aware.

Fantasy

[A] Hello four-naked women fantasy:

I talk to you today, I've never talked with you before. I haven't felt you vividly in a while. How are you?
[F] Still alive.
[A] Uh-huh. I thought much of you had dissolved. Who are you? What are you made of?
[F] I'm made of desire and lust. Yo do not let your lust out, so it's landed here in your sex and grown into this.
I'm here because you desire control. Big-time control, do you see how all of it is led by you? No surrendering, but no forcefulness either. Just you as a sweet suave seducer who can play freely with whomever is around and willing.

[A] How is the fucking?

[F] Amazing. She loves it, and is delighted, moaning and swimming in ecstasy and surrender. And you have superb control over your erection. There is abundant fucking and hardness available for her to play as much as she pleases, as she can take.

[A] And the fingering?

[F] Amazing too. Sometimes you lose coordination between the rhythms of the two women at your fingers, but they tell you if something feels ungood for them. Open and shameless communication. And sometimes it's a beautiful coordinated dance of caressing in the soft tissues of their sexes.