sexual reactions

Today I woke to the moaning and groaning sounds of my housemate and her playmate as they played with sex and pleasure together on the other side of the wall dividing our bedrooms. I felt my own sexual energy rise, and my body urged to join in, to find sexual play, to find a companion, recipient, playmate for my aroused sexual animal.

I sat up and breathed my sexual energy up through my spine, up to my head chakra, and back down onto my body along its front side. These buzzy vibrations spread through my body, and as I felt them, I realized there was a thought that incited distraction from this feeling - a shame derived from the enjoyment of my sex while not having a companion to share it with. The buzzing in my back, shoulders, neck, and face felt pleasurable and juicy, light, yet a disturbance materialized when I focused on the source of that energy being my sex, a part of myself I have felt in the past unworthy, or shameful to enjoy, if there is no one else around to share it and play with it too. I focused on their merger - of my bodily pleasure and of its sexual source and of my aloneness, and I then did not exclude either facet of myself from the other - a single breath flowed through them all.

I realize emotional reactions that begin to rise as I process my housemate's nearby sex. Together, two urges come up in succession: first, from the resonance of the sex center in my body, it feels an urge to join in, to share my own sexual energies to the mix, to the game, to be included in the pleasures, to let me participate. And immediately the next reaction, a counterbalance to the first, is applied: I feel a solid, strong behavioral wall appear, perhaps in my solar plexus, which blocks my body's first urges of participation. It is built from social norms, embedded deep within me, and it comes from the belief I have long carried that says "Others' sexual relationships are their own. I have no right to enter into them, to influence them or, or to even be privy to anything beyond knowing that it is happening, and they do not want to include you in them at all".

Some gunks of shame and fear remain stuck to these urges I feel, and I find value in exploring them within myself. There is a strong, sharp compartmentalization within me regarding social boundaries when sexual relationships are involved, that remains unconscious, and shining awareness on it today has helped me recognize them, deep in my acquired habits and reactions.