how

how
to

free it?

it is a screaming child that will not yield
will
not
yield

I may silence it
I may play reasoning with it
I may justify it and give it a thousand stories
I may breathe together with it and lull it to sleep
I may feel lofty and ethereal and feel I don't ever need any more than this moment
yet it
returns
a frustrated child
ever tighter
under tight-puckered eyebrows

tight silent throat
intense look, accusing look
invariably saying the same

"When do I get what I WANT??"
and I have no answer for it
only a blind advice of patience

because I know what it wants
I have words for it
and I have no words for its answer

it wants company
comfort
attention
mutual affection
a partner in play
to be playful
to laugh at her
to tease her
to tease me
to surprise us
to teach us
tell us stories
to hold each other
in the empty nights

beautiful if forever
need not be forever
but yes... mutual
real, joyful,
free, open
lasting, let its stream be felt
not curtailed
hindered
grasping to find a sliver of time
among arbitrary schedules
dampened by female defenses, caution
fucking failure happenstances
that drift me away from everyone
like

a twig in a current
that shoves me without
my will, consent, nor understanding

and the child is still there
unyielding
irrefutable
intransigent
it KNOWS its right in this life
or what it feels is his right
so strongly
he tests my trust harshly
or maybe I trust to assuage his starkness

and no matter how much incense I burn or mantras I chant or truths I spit out or drugs (so far) I experience or fears I step through or dances I slide or explode into or catharses I blow or silence I hold
it waits, tight-fisted and resentful
for the villain destiny to give it what it wants