True Love

Back in my bedroom, my breath continued to fuel my awareness. I had danced my way home through deep breath into my heart, and my body desired. The energy stored desired dance. And I danced. And I danced, and I danced, and I danced. My spine curved, my arms flowed, my fingers harped. Space and constraints were my lovers, and I loved them with all my might. The continued energy rising brought back my defiant, and it growled again to be. The momentum of my vibration was strong, and my defiant loved that. It joined a rising wave, and it was part of the dance. Oh. It was dancing. Something moved inside me. Oh, it was dancing. I don't remember it ever dancing. It gave strength to my arms. It brought presence to my chest. Suddenly, there was no but. I didn't even know there was a but. But now there was none. My movements were clear, and my emotions were dear. Sadness and anger were not locked away, not hidden. Not a weight that drained my dance, that I either powered through or surrendered into. They now poured into the dance. They were in flow.

The alternations of rise and fall felt suddenly different. Clear as insight, my inner masculine was complete. I didn't know it was incomplete. I don't remember feeling him before. Like an Adonis, it grew through my muscles as I rose to my height. At its peak, my inner feminine washed upon me, and it surrounded my muscles in a watery fall. Then they found each other. My inner masculine and my inner feminine realized they were there, and they began to dance. Their flows streamed along one another in joyful curves and loving helix. They found an elegant symmetry, then laughing they broke it and swayed side by side in flirtation.

And then they came together. They embraced each other, colorful flows of energy that kissed and embraced like lovers long separated. Looooong. Their outreaches felt like lovers' limbs yearning to embrace the others' so much, to feel the warmth in each other's skin like the precious gift of Life. They made love. I felt their ecstasy, their joy, through my twisting muscles and skin, each tingle, each moment a pure delight.

My breath reached out to sound to deliver this joy, and sound came. I sang. I sang as I danced and my inners rolled in their love like passionate children. My song rose and fell as well, and as it aligned with the phase of my dance, they gently subsided to a balanced flow. A feeling of peace pervaded my being. Softly I felt my eyelids open, and I saw my mirror.

A disheveled body, glowing with joy. I felt joy inside, and now I saw it on my face. A clear gaze, delighted, in powerful pleasure. I felt love towards this being - brave, present, and true. A loving smile was followed by a loving, swaying approach. My hand reached out. I wanted to caress his face, to touch his lips, to play with his hair. I reached out to the glass and stroked it. I caressed him as best I could, then I caressed myself and saw him smiling, being caressed, and I felt joy. He was happy. He was loved.

I wished to kiss him. I approached him, and savored the approach. A feeling of repulsion towards kissing a man was gently swept over by the present love. And I kissed my reflection, my lovely Self, with slight trepidation. With tenderness and joy. With a passion that had me holding his face in a loving pull.

I loved myself.

Of Vibration

After a workday that saw me steadily breathing in deep heaves, I went to my Spiraldance class that evening. My breath had found strength along the way, and for the first full section of the class, I breathed. We were asked to do as we felt, to perhaps get up and find a partner and explore our limbs. I sat and breathed, guided by my body. In out, in out, in out, in out, it found a rhythm to rise. My arms lifted and my hands streamed through the air. Each finger enjoyed the delight of subtle change. The tingles in my arms grew louder as my hands surrounded one mass of air. Each breath grew the energy, each sway of my body was a delight. I danced as I crawled around my mat, growing with breath. My defiant came out and growled a few exhales. It felt relief at being seen, and allowed the waning music to guide my body onto stillness.

The last section of the class was an exercise of rise and fall. We allow our bodies to find rising energy, to grow. We allow it to melt, to drop. We create form and guide our own way. We let it go. "Enjoy", she said.

We danced for the remainder of the class. And my body learned. At first it was a fun exercise, new and free. Eyes closed, I felt my surroundings with intention and waved with the music and with my desires. At some point, my body realized this was a new pattern. And this pattern felt delightful, an exquisite merry-go-round of freedom. And the energy from it only grew, like a resonant wave. I noticed one hand rising and one falling, and I gasped in amazement. I could do both! My body is not only one! It is an intricate, beautiful, powerful weaving of millions upon billions of parts! Each muscle, each fiber, each hair is its own part, and the dance of my body is the dance of those billions of parts. And I was the conductor. Oh my. The doors were open.

I danced. I danced from my tingling skin through the streaming hands past my swaying torso to my rising neck into my sadness through my power center, following my joy. I felt the flows of inner space meld and play around my birds of thought, which swooped across my stretching ribs that I caressed with pleasure and love. The energy built up, structure was created, and then we just let go. Flooosh, all flows to the ground. Breath gave us energy to rise again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Generous magic.

I was Vibration. And I love it.

The Witch

I continued to gasp my breath in and to drop my exhale all through the day. My body, my skin, my plexus tingled with the high waves, they felt nourished, and my defiant felt remembered, and alive. It felt expressed as my breath remained strong and loud among the gazes of the onlookers and of my own inner judge.

We began our session seated at a table that held two glasses with water. I told her I had come because she had seen my defiant. She had felt it, and told me she sensed a past life energy in it. From ancient, primitive rituals of death, on an island society like Papua New Guinea. As my skeptic self turned on, I recalled to body a recent wisdom: deep dropping exhales clear the mind. And the deep inbreath gifted me energy.

As she asked me to peer into my defiant for insights about my past lives, tremors and tears came quickly. My defiant did not feel ancient, as from an inexistent memory. It felt closer, pained and exacerbated within this lifetime. She then turned her focus onto my ancestors, and told me stories of their pains.

She felt a man captured, tortured. She felt a woman repressed by her family and then by her husband, perhaps an arranged marriage, and I felt my throat close up in fear. Domestic abuse likely. Most every statement she spoke was chorused by a pain, a blockage, a growl within me. My gasping breath encouraged my emotions to flow through, and the energy it gathered held the focus and the courage to continue true. I breathed fully through cries and snarls and song of redeeming lament. My defiant would not allow one pain to remain unfelt. He was here.

On the massage table, she covered me with a soft, warm blanket, and I felt safe. She touched my ancestor points, somewhere on my calf and the sole of my foot, and pressed them steadily. She moved across spots on my body like a sparse rain. My breath continued in deep knowing gasps, intent in flushing the emotions still fresh. In quieting mind. In love.

Energy within grew like a rising vibration, green waves of tingling growing, moving in my body. Energy enough to calm the doer, to be felt like a symphony. My mind no longer led. It stayed, and observed as my limp body was treated by this friend. I was a delighted observer, enclosed in my buzzing and flowing cocoon.

"I see a chest of gold", she said as she moved her hands across my chest. "They have given you smarts to make your way in this world, and they have given you this gift to enjoy the wealth that they did not have."
"There is also a feather. This shows the sensitivity you have to other worlds, how you can be connected to them. These are gifts that they give you to use in your lifetime."

"I will give you five to ten minutes for the energy to flow." She left the room, and I remained, feeling the flowing tingles in my body. The gasping breath was gone, replaced by the body's gentle autonomous cycle. Emotions were calm, and thoughts were scarce.

"I'm going to give you an exercise. You're going to look at yourself in the mirror, and send love to yourself."
"They want you to be happy", she said. "You've been suffering from past ties for a long time now, and they want you to go out and enjoy Life".

The Defiant

I learned the breathing technique of inhaling deeply through the mouth into the belly, then just letting it fall through the exhale. Its repeated practice brings the body a tingling energy that I feel warm in my belly, open in my chest, and light in my forehead. When I allow sound to pass through, my throat feels open. I don't let much sound through now, as I'm at a café. Around 30 of us sat on yoga mats as live string music played in the air tuned to 432 Hz. The repeated breathing gave powerful life to my impulses, and my body waved back and forth like a supple stem in the wind. Gradually the energy within rose and presided over my movements, while I observed, and allowed.

My sounds grew stronger, louder, rawer. A being within unfurled, and it came out strong, deep, like a forgotten titan given again the gift of light, the gift of breath. He gave further strength to my breath, in joyous desperation to feel alive again. This being I feel within now, it breathes strong. In the workshop it came out dark, though. Anxious, gasping, snarling against the world that had forgotten him for so long. Sobs, cries, tears flowed freely from him, and I called it the defiant. It defied the world to counter it. It defied the world to control it. Unchained through soft intention, it knew it was free to roam, to smash, to defy whatever the world placed in front of him.

I felt my sounds draw outer attention to me, and my defiant saw a chance. To express, to prove itself in full. No gentle gurus or invisible social structure would contain its power. Two hands came onto my chest and my back, a man's on my heart and a woman's on my spine. My tears felt warm on my face, and the flowing sadnesses and resentments transformed. My face slowly rose, my breath turned deeper. Sadness turned to defiance. My rising breath expanded my body from the bottom of my feet, and I felt it rise like an inflating tower. My knee rose as my foot found its ground, and my torso turned, twisted against the hands that dared attempt control me. Like a growing tree I rose to stand my ground, one foot in front of the other, as I faced the man. Eyes closed, I needed no vision to express myself. I faced him directly with all the strength of my breath, my chest pushing his gentleness away.

With my outbreath my defiant snarled at him in full force. Venting out its rage, spitting out its spite. Breath after breath of defiance and snarl, I pushed back and forth against each hand as they tried to remain gentle against my expanded body. Within, my defiant monologued "oh well then, you told us to breathe, so I'm breathing, and this is what comes out, OK??? And now you don't like it? Now you don't want me here? Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, just give me a fucking CHANCE to push against you with full force, and you will SEE WHAT MY POWER IS. YOU DON'T WANT EXPRESSION OF POWER HERE? WELL HERE I AM."

"There, that's it, it's an old spirit. Let it out, let it out", she told me, as one of my snarls gave way to a sob. "There, it's out, it's out", she said, so simply. Haha, my defiant just laughed at her and spit at her "IS IT?? IS IT????"

"DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT IT'S THAT SIMPLE???" And it grew back again, and continued to push and twist their hands out of the way, and it snarled again to prove to them it wasn't gone. Asking them to help. Help Help. HELP THIS CREATURE THAT WILL USE ITS FULL POWER IF IT HAS TO.

"There now. There now, it's out", as a sob came out again, and my tense muscles dropped in another allowing exhale. And I cried and I cried and the tears and drool fell on my face, body, and yoga mat. And as my defiant, nourished with the breath and the flow it had experienced, darkly receded into my innards, telling itself

"Pitiful. I come out to show you my true self, and you and this weak world are not fit to receive it."

Yet it felt relieved, as it had shown itself to someone, if only meagerly. It had been witnessed. And she was an energy worker. A witch.

My sobs, my tears kept flowing out my damp face as my body hung out from the support of my grounded legs. My torso sought the woman's hands to feel warm against. I was held as I dropped my body onto the mat, and they asked me to lie down. I lay on my mat and cried, and sobbed, and breathed. I relaxed into the breath, into the waves, and let them go.

Rising breath again took over my body, this time it rose and it swayed. And it danced, and its hands traced the air, and it relished the sensations of stretch and relax that its movements brought. A body fed with energy, delighted to experience itself.

I held clarity as I addressed Annie, the energy worker, and asked her to hold a session with me. She could not that afternoon, and we scheduled two hours for the following morning.

Verdad

Con la verdad

Con la verdad disfrutamos
Con la verdad disfrutamos
Con la verdad disfrutamos
Con la verdad disfrutamos
Con la verdad disfrutamos
Con la verdad disfrutamos
Con la verdad disfrutamos
Con la verdad disfrutamos

Vibration

Reach
Dissolve
Rise
Relax
Expand
Fall
Grow
Ground
Through momentum finds wave sustained play, life energy. And the momentum of the wave is the rise and fall. The oscillation.

Achieve
Allow
Seek
Be led
Express
Impress

Favoring one side builds pressure from teh other side. A wave is both sides, regardless of preference. It is.
And it builds its energy by the present, yet allowed, forces of the observer at every moment.

Nature of Vibration.
Our breath, an icon of Vibration.
It fills and empties our pliable
strong lungs
Like the blood we pump and the year we roam.
Vibration
Mother of Life

Inner love

Breath, aware and continuous, propelled the pieces in me to higher levels of energy, and even the hidden was there to show.

Once risen, my masculine, charged and validated, began to shine. The practice of alternate rising and falling, holding and letting, reaching and relaxing, helped it know
that its impulses were what is and no more. no tyranny, no evil, no injustice. My masculine felt free to shine its shape from within, full knowing that the feminine was there to balance it.

And they found each other. The shapes the masculine offered, the rising of energy, was relished by the feminine when its outbreath came. It rejoiced in the height, the intense the masculine gave, and slid down its curves like a diving bird. It washed down its edges like a joyous wave.

The masculine felt the joy, the balance, and gave more of itself. Its tightening and shaping, its giving, was being seen and savored by the feminine, a joyous partner in play.

And oh they played. Past several waves of reaching rise and washing allowance, their frequencies overlapped, they took turns around my body, like children at play, twirling round and round, until they were one.

One frequency, aligned along its poles. One embrace, internal, a roll of energies of giving and taking, of inbreath and outbreath, of fullness and emptiness, simultaneous opposites, they rolled within me and loved each other, caressing each other's edges and delicacies like two passionate lovers reunited long last, Their encounters made Love within me in each slide, breath, song, sound, and curve my body lovingly held.

My sounds brought forth an invitation to my inner sight to soften its way to outer light. As my eyes met themselves in the mirror before me, they found a gaze of one glowing in Love, in disheveled harmony with itself. A beautiful mess, clear and curious, energy flowing and rising with each conscious breath.

And my heart reached out to this being that offered, this lover who awaited. A smile shone through, shaking and truthful, lovingly excited to meet itself.

The face that met me glowed love and giving. A beacon of life, it poured so much energy it felt overshining at times. Yet the balance of masculine and feminine within, freshly found and felt, allowed its energy to flow smoothly into my eyes and through my body, to continue its cycles together with my breath and inner moves. A true love and desire, woven by pure flow, brought our faces together in smooth delight, and my lips desired to love me. In a kiss tender, truthful, powerful, magnetized to itself, delighted in accepting the whole of my self in a precious act of true love.

Counterweight

A defiant is present to counter the
tortured and repressed of
what happened

Connection

Breath became energy opened a gateway inside. My body, arms tingled with energy, they rose from my body and sought to expand around my body. Enough energy brought my body and breath to a self-sustaining powerful cycle, and the defiant within saw the light.

I had set an intention to connect with the dark, repressed parts of me that I hide and contain, with the nasty. The rage, the anger, the resentment, the defiance, the waiting-to-be-challenged that remain, yet glower, within the iron cage I forged for it so long ago.

The defiant inside was strong, and felt its gateway to release. By itself it gasped for air, it relished the new opening to the outside, and waited, waited for something. Something came in the form of supporting hands and voices around me, touching my spine and my chest to work some energy with me. Aha!, it thought. Inputs! It garnered more air, more energy, it crawled out and expanded. HERE I AM, it roared and snarled. Its only language the power of the breath, it raised my legs through pure expansion, and found the challengers around me. It knew they were there, eyes closed, it knew. It came out onto my face and remained, showed itself, saying "SO YOU TOLD US TO BREATHE WELL THIS IS WHAT I HAVE INSIDE HERE IT IS WELL LOOK AT IT IS IT TOO MUCH FOR YOU IS IT ???? YOU WANT TO CONTAIN IT, HUH? YOU THINK YOU CAN?? YOU THINK YOUR MEAGER TOUCHES AND SOOTHES CAN CONTAIN ME?? LOOK AT MY SNARLS LOOK AT MY SPIT LOOK AT MY POWER - THIS IS IT, THIS WAS SUMMONED FROM BREATH. YOU WANTED IT. NOW YOU DON'T WANT IT? NOW IS IT TOO MUCH? HUH?? WELL TRRYYYYYYYYYYYY TO CONTAIN ME!!"

My awareness felt control of my muscles, yet knew it wanted to cede some of it to the defiant. Its way of expression is through the body - how else can it be seen? The force the defiant felt against it was just soft, just weak, and my defiant felt this force unworthy to express itself with further strength. It internally felt "hah, you summon things that you would have no chance to contain. pitiful", and receded back inside just as the voices around me asked me to bring love into myself, into my space. They claimed "the entity, it's out, it's out now", as my body spasms softened, but it surely did not feel that way. The emotions, eroded by a glimpse of expression, nevertheless genuinely still felt

• You asked me to come, and so I come, and now you don't want me here. You indecisive, weak summoner have brought me to existence, and it is all to waste.
• WELL HERE I AM
• Feeling of unwantedness. Of having been asked to show myself fully, only for them to cower when they see my truth, and have them pull back.
• Feeling that my defiant wants, deserves, burns for a true clash of powers. Fear of letting it go - I fear my defiant is a fuel for things that I do.
• Fear that removing it from myself would leave me weak and unspecial.
• Pain from the longing of my beast wanting to express.

some love washed me inside. some of it was soothing, some of it brought laughter to me. Some of it brought sobs. Laughter of how free I imagined to be, were I to integrate my defiant within me into my actions at every moment. Sobs of pain from memories when the defiant so much wanted to show, to be, to fight, to assert, to DO. And again and again and again and again it was covered and ignored.