Quandaries of color

(Date is approximate)

Why do I keep returning
to the same question of whether
I'll actually ever
quit my Ph.D.
given I am free
and more, why do I not
just easily answer
when I know why not
when I know what I want
A Ph.D. is not for me
I stay because I fear
to steer away from safety
but I've exiled that to the past
I want my impulse to last
for that I need a greatly
different lifestyle.

I fear to fear
but I do.
It is my own weakness
not unlike a sickness
of keeping my worth
but I am worth nothing
if I am not me
and for me to be me
I need to be free
and I'll die just like thee
but then I'll be grateful
that there was a fateful
moment when I felt the spark
of desire in the dark
of the norm and the common
and I managed to summon
the sliver of courage
that I've never had
and I shall be glad
of My Life.
~Oct 2011