Leave of Absence

As I imagined it, it now is.

I have now notified both the MLD Ph.D. advisor and my own advisor that I will be taking a leave of absence. All that's left to do is the paperwork, and it will be formal and final. One year leave of absence, to do as I please. To do as I want. As I need. As I desire. As I sophie. As I decide. It is quite a step to take, I think.

The same day, J notifies me she has found someone she likes very much. Sex, of course, is not that hard for her to achieve, so she has. Mentally, in my conceptual model, I am happy for her. Inside, I ache with jealousy and with envy.

Not too much, though. But it's there. Or is it there only because I think it should be there? I've still got obsolete paradigms in my mind, of that I'm sure. But damn the heavens! I'm barely getting any sexual action! It'd be quite a bit more fun if she had found someone to fuck around with and I had too, but nooo... I'm fucking stuck with longing, porn, and my now-quite-talented pleasure-inducing hand.

That's the envy part. The fucking image in my mind that I don't get any girls. And it is FUCKING true - one year in a college town, having tried several times, and barely anything. I won't say I've gotten nothing... and I'm grateful for what I have gotten. A few kisses and some fingering, but nothing that lasts more than a couple of hours. While other people get nights and full-on sessions, regular, full-on fuck buddies! FUCK, I'm 26, I need sex, goddamnit!

Sex implies at least some attraction... some loving, you know... and it's hard to keep a worthy self-esteem if every girl you pursue doesn't like you back, even when you really really thought that she would because you had spent hours and hours having such meaningful talks................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... sadness. Dejection. Fate had better have a good motive for this, or I'm gonna kill her. Fate, not J, of course.

Then the jealousy, that's just instinctive, I think. I want to be with her, yes, I miss her, sexually, physically, emotionally. I hear that someone else is giving her what she likes to get from me, and I am jealous. That she might like it better. That she might replace me for him. That I can become a pity project that only has sex with me, not because she wants to, but because "poor little shy Antonio can't get any, I might as well let him have some". Thinking of being someone's pity project like that is sickening. Well, it'd be better than having none of course, but it would only intensify the constant feeling that one is always a beggar with women, asking for a bit of compassion and sex, just a little, instead of actually coming up to them to provide something that they will actually enjoy. Always the beggar, the demander, the "poor little dog, let me give you some leftover crumbs", never the supplier. It's depressing to know that that's your role.

Tears might just come flowing out my eyes anytime now, with the self-pity and the memory of previous love disappointments inside me now. I guess I'll just harden my face, feel my throat tighten, swallow my tears, and go on with my life, as I have always done. Either that or I'll go cry with the russian couchsurfers in the other room, and be a pity object for yet more girls. Am I not the object of all my girl-friend's pity...........................

Such a mixture of emotions. If I could only bottle them up and sell them - I think they'd be interesting for other people to try. Relief from having told people about my leave of absence, impatient because I'm still working on the GeoGame for one more month. Happiness for Jerol for her being happy (really, there is happiness), envy of the ease she finds sexual partner and sexual relief (and envy of everyone else who does, really), jealousy of her newly-found Robert, who though I'm pretty sure is a great guy for J to like... instinctively I'm afraid he might replace my role as J's fuck buddy. I fucking love that role, man. It's the ONLY fucking sexual role I've ever had.

August 30th was not very uninteresting, I would say. I wonder what will Marcos' actual birthday be like.