Emotional Liar

I sometimes pride myself on upholding honesty in my life in thought, word, and action. I don't today.

I'm not as honest as I once thought I would grow up to be. I believed it to be a primal virtue, from which all the others could arise and blossom also. But now I ponder this - factual truth is heavy, sharp, and can mercilessly cut one too many illusions and, paradoxically, other truths as well.

Looking upon my actions, I now consider myself an emotional liar. I am not a people person - I have a very hard time deciphering exactly what do other people mean when they talk, and an even worse time trying to express to them my own thoughts and feelings. Notwithstanding, I do have a strong sense of pity and compassion, which, when triggered, takes a very willful repression to succesfully ignore. Otherwise, I have noted, I succumb to the demands of pity and end up saying or doing whatever is most favorable to the other person.

Which is why I now consider myself a liar. And not a very good one at that, because when truth and pity come into conflict inside me, I usually end up striking a compromise that resolves neither well.

e.g. I once had a girlfriend, lovely and pure. She loved me intensely, with a passion real and deep, and told me so plenty. I loved her too, I swear I did. To me she was my soulmate, she with whom I could share everything, upon whom my thoughts and feelings finally made sense. We joined as was bodily meant, and we expressed our love for one another in several different ways.

But we spent time together for one week, at most. After that time, we still talked to each other online, and kept on doing so for months afterwards. I kept on loving her as time passed, and so did she. But eventually my love became stale and cold through distance and time, while hers didn't. I could notice my own love shrinking by the day - each night our conversations became shorter, more repetitive, less exciting - it steadily lost the initial sparkling quality that Love begets during its birth.

But I couldn't tell her. I couldn't. I knew I should, and I several times decided I would. But always she would tell me, passionately, that she loved me. Sometimes it was ardent, sometimes it was sweet, sometimes it was needy, but it was always Love. She told me so, she shone with Love for me, and I just could not comply. What should you do when someone fervently tells you "I love you", and you don't feel the same way for her? What to do?? Tell her "Well, I don't love you"? Plain and simple, huh? I'm sure it'd be the efficient way to go. Quick and sure, saying that could easily cut a person's heart in two. That's what it felt like, for sure. So I avoided telling her that, and instead, I placed little heart smileys, lip smileys, and hug smileys on my chats.

But she quickly detected my decaying feelings. It's not like I was doing a great job at hiding them, so she perceived my love-staleness. And she told me, and again, I compromised between truth and pity. I explained how it would be possible for distance and time to make a relationship static, without new features, and eventually lose the feeling. BUT I also said I still loved her. And she believed me.

And more time passed on, and I eventually decided to come clean. After a long prelude which I prefer not to replay, I finally said "I don't feel love anymore". I did not mention her, but she was the most afflicted person by it. I don't know exactly how badly she felt, but I'm sure it was pretty bad. Our conversations after this rapidly grew shorter, with more chit-chat than meaningful conversation.

I still don't know which would've been the best approach. I still reprimand myself for hurting her, though I know I kept her well-being at heart for a long time. I still wish things would've been different for us, Soulmate.

And now the same thing happens with my aunt. Oh, dear Aunt, you express more motherly love for me than any other person ever has. And still my cold, dumb, still, stupid heart cannot learn to love you back as ardently as you do. I love you with a warm affection that makes me happy every time I think about you and your delightful presence, but I cannot claim to feel for you the same as you do for me. How can I tell you this? Even when you ask me directly "Don't you need me as much as I need you?", I cannot bring myself to say the "truth" I feel. How could I? I know your love is pure - how can I willingly come over to you and just rip it apart? I can't bring myself to do so. I... I don't feel worthy, or that I have the right, to do so.

Please allow me to overcome these weaknesses, so that I may later on feel, think, and act not in "factual truth", which is nothing more than my own perception, but in purity, which I mostly believe exists and in which I am certain my mind and soul would greatly improve. Thank you.