Re-Mother

If I knew that you were like my mother,

my path would've very likely been another,

For fear would've caught my attention

and told me you'd bring me too much tension.

A voice within would've told me "don't bother,

do you again want to be ruffled and smothered?

Your voice once more trapped and imprisoned

between walls of 'should' and 'don't', unreasoned?"

I would've recoiled with forgotten horror

from the times of mute and pained sorrow

when I wished that her care wouldn't reach me

for I felt her distortions when she tried to "teach me".

But no, when I met her, she accepted

all my quirks, tastes, and unpolished bits

laissez-faire, untroubled, easy-going,

I thought that being with her,

I wouldn't need to change any parts of me.

But today as we arranged furniture

in the upstairs of our new house

I realized, one year forward,

that her patterns do follow my mom's.

They both have numerous sharp preferences

she hurts if we do other than what she asks

and I've gradually, always willingly

tamed my own choices to fit with her tastes.

And a part of me feels shocked and affronted,

even actually, ashamed and betrayed.

How could I have given up my pure freedom

and have my shape dictated by her space?

But my conscious mind knows with clarity,

(for each choice that it took, it did with care)

that each single change I allowed had a reason,

I knew the how and the why, and accepted the hence.

I know the things she cherishes,

I know what brings her fright.

And since I continue to choose to be with her,

I prefer that she feels safety and delight.

And I understand, over ten years later

past my mother's body decease

that her smothering and her overbearing

were but distorted expressions of love.

Discomfort is contained in this path I chose

but also in every possible one.

For the pain need follow the pleasure

as the valley comes after the hill.

And as I've learned this geometrical theorem,

I now seek neither pleasure nor pain.

I follow my truth at each moment

and expect neither success nor gain.

And my truth at this moment is that with her

I feel a resonant connection of soul

our hearts say a silent "yes" to each other

though we know not any definite goal.

I cherish the truth that her eyes speak.

It inspires the truth that lives in me.

So regardless of the old fears she spurs in me,

I choose her daily, uncoerced and free.

So though now I know that she is like my mother,

I realize the gift is that we can now love one another.

Meeting the fears and pains misunderstood in years past,

Life now invites me to heal them, so that love can last.