Resentment

role

what is my role?

grappling with this topic has taken

the majority of my time when I am aware

when I am cognizant

that I am alive and that I may yet have a purpose to live for

some use for this piece of organized crap

and I look

and I seek

and I try

and I ask

and I listen

and I ponder

and I try again

and I fail

and I feel sad

and I feel resentful

and I fester

and I rebel against

uncaring of harm

preferring to harm along the way

if only to leave a mark

of my way through life

if not in triumph

then in exploded frustration

in the fire of the energy

that I have left and pent up

and that, frustrated, instead of building towards what I tried for,

I use to ravage whatever it finds on its path

even if no one sees it

even if it harms myself

even if, restrained by my solid certainty that I will not harm others,

the only one I end up hurting is myself

even when I smile

even when I pretend

to be asleep and unfettered by emotions

as most others do.

even if I push my true self back inwards.

even if I renounce my authenticity of appearance

even if I know such resentment builds nothing

and only gnaws and festers within me

rusting and rotting my inner mechanisms

I rebel

I refuse

the resentment refuses

to be silenced

to be ignored

to disappear

to die

and pretend

it is not here.