shell

The Underworld

There I found a shell

made up of the shoulds in me, for me,

I had not noticed yet

A mixture of the need to have meaning

and the learning that man pleases woman

that man has a woman

matches to a woman

Disney stories

That woman is attracted to man

That that's what is worthy in a man

They Poxipol'd together into a thick

smooth shell

that did not let me move in or into

the space of

"There is an opportunity to connect with a woman and I do not take it".

It was a strong, focused urge

that pulled me to an attractive woman

irresistibly

like the ocean moves a leaf

"must have. must take. that is my role".

"If we connect, I will satisfy and feed myself

with the squeeze of her breasts

and the soft of her skin

and the taste of her juices

with her sweet smile and her laughter

with the colors and curls that dress her

with her concave yoni shape

into which I can come into

feel invited and rejoice

and be her world and love and ecstasy

and feel worthy

for now and forever".

The reality was closer to

"I feel unworthy if I do not have you.

More specifically, if you do not want me

the way I want you to want me

with need, with thirst.

I want you to fall irresistibly into me

so I can have you forever

and never feel unworthy again

and never feel lonely, unfit

unbelonging again".

Because by myself I felt incomplete

unworthy

un-developed

un-deserving of this healthy male body

that COULD give so much love and pleasure

and didn't find a vessel.

Just a story. In truth,

I don't need to please woman.

It is not my Life-given purpose.

I don't need to want woman.

Such a need is a noose around my neck.

My sexual and romantic attractions remain true

and I am not an unworthy loser if they are not fulfilled

and I am not a worthy winner stud if they are fulfilled

I remain me.

The outcome means and proves nothing about me.

There is no proof.

There is no test.

No castle we build makes us win the sandbox.

Sandbox it continues

and its sand keeps flowing

Before us

through us

after us

after our joys and our expectations and our disappointments

we merely are

and play