jelly

get to know the janitors of your subconscious

they know very many things about the

quirks and leaks and engines and lens and rudders

that reside in us

power us

guide us

sometimes itch

and sometimes spill

sometimes squeak

and sometimes screech

sometimes hurt

and sometimes roar

sometimes flow

no manual, but many

inside of us know us

let's go and be friendly

they're skillful and true

they'll share their own know-how with you.

a dynamic jelly

this sensational ship

each dust speck ripples into mounds

hills

each forgotten cut invokes protection

force fields and detours, armed guards

when we help clean

when we help heal

shower in with light

with care

jelly can soft grow anew

flavor

each glimpse of an input

can be my star to follow

my villain

my ground

or just

another flavor

inner space

a loud shout a release of steam

pressure that builds up with nowhere to go

a boiler

a cry an overflowing

of within emotional waves

spurred higher by the tides and winds that move us

shift us

to fly in our spaces, we must feel the wind

and learn how to dance with

its gusts and its flows

its eddies and swirls

whirls

slide back down through the layers

that build up our cake

a soft joy when I notice

that here I can breathe

here I can feel

quiiet from the surface currents, closer

to the core of our being

both denser and softer

the lower we slide

sink

here all of that think

is blowing far above

in dances of its own

just fall

delight in the warmth of your being

my being

I

who watches and feels

it

depths

an ice cream of sensations

of which we choose to partake

flavors are many

MANY

and their combinations way more

the sound of the distant leafblower

as my bare belly squeezes the bed

my calf muscles' contraction

as I twist my foot to the left

faucet running water

behind me, it soothes

the blood in my head pumps with fuzzy, self-rhythm.

on my jaw. on my forehead.

the shape of my body as I slide on the floor

and with a knowing right arm, close the door

fulfillment when music from next door is removed

its words ask mind to point somewhere and I gently refuse

this cocktail of signals

through this body of mine

are fountains of ice cream

for me to lick as I choose

I, tongue, sense the samples

my curious child wishes

and play, in this process, is all it will do

and play, in this process, is all it will do

the colors there, outward, light blue from the sky

it subtly rinses my visual canal

combine it with white clouds and curtains of green

and here is unique ice cream

never before seen

tasted

feel the fullness of this body

proprioception

its innards stretch and squiggle

a robust package of fragiles

channels perception to this me.

a warm base of digestion

thank you belly

a deep piping of breath, its subtle sound sigh,

the capacity, and tautness of our devoted lungs

a sense of balance

and domes of air waves made music by our ears

two instant periscopes

turning light into majesties

thank you eyes

taste a flavor

invite it

feel it

dance in you

all real

it is all real

and it is all here

every tiniest speck of it

every shaky hesitation

every lightest, strangest mood

emoted

the tiny jerk of the elbow

interpretation

of these

their connection to meanings

the unreasonable arguments

the motives for violence

the motives for peace

the shames we avoid

the fears that fence us

it is on the surface

here

or in layers below

here

or deeper

here

those ropes of must or should

that seem to pull

away from here

also real. habits

sometimes floated on the surface

with little depth

find its depths

freedive

to feel the habits

the behaviors and their roots

do they feel to match that

in that rich depth of you

of I

some will be strengthened

given ground

my ground

others may be unfit

for the shape I discover

in me

and shed

dissolve into the shifting ocean

and more space to dance

is allowed

in the depths of us

we can grow our roots and stems

and then our flowers can truly

bloom

bring them light

Audio

gratitude

it shines a light upon it

upon its object

awareness soothes it

the light of our attention shines upon it, and it is honored

seen

with gratitude

we see how this state

this

has roots, causes, associations,

to which we bring light

we remember our connections

we more know what we are

if only for the attention, it helps us know

feel ourselves

brighter

yet it also extols the virtues of the object

it finds them

it greets them

they are once again

unforgotten

and we can feel their delight

when we do, we no longer aim forward,

drawn by our aims.

gratitude is of this

and through it we see ourselves

and what feeds us

and what nourishes us

we can take a rest

take our feet in our hands and thank them

knead them with love

rest our horses

we can fix our chariot

and remember that the truth is here

that delight is here

as shiny as that horizon looks

as intriguing as the far-away seems,

the feeling is here

and yes, in life we move

and life moves

we do not remain forever

but when we remember to shine gratitude upon ourselves

upon what is

the movement is within us

and treasures dwell within

our design

we are building a structure

across time and space

to see what we can

to make all of us

into form

with this moment we build

our layer of now

with each flowery curve

and jagged mistake

we shape it

with each bright joy

each damp sadness

each sacred whisper

we clothe it

we bloom and grow and explore

the Infinities of Ourselves.

we ingress into and embody the matter

we grow it along with ourselves

together we play and see

what is all that we can be

love cares

I take care of you

and you take care of me

we do not need us to

we choose to

care for each other

sharing with love

is a joy

to take care of us

of our softer, subtler parts

we open up to show them

those that tickle when seen

and that hurt with miscare

like this we can know each other

we show each other

and trust that love guides us both

weave our arms

When we weave our arms so together

my neighbors and I

so we are grapevines that build on each other

that feel and rely on each other

our sphere expands, and I care for them

as they care for me

energies

There are energies in the world

flowing, shifting

the currents of force and direction in our ocean

the messengers

permeating the planes of consciousness and intent

I don't see them.

I sometimes feel them

when I trust and I listen to the music of Now.

they sway me and my world

into a dance I unknow.

In it there are steps of fire

and leaps of faith

brilliance of sunlight

turns of surrender

meetings of souls

like two fingers that touch

or two fluids that melt

or three

There are rivers of celebration

There are baskings in beauty

Lakes of contemplation

Forests of peace

bubbles of laughter

and joyous perception

when I remember I am dancing

and my partner is Here.

Sampling

It is more the slopes, the patterns, the choices and movements

than the states we encounter

that drive the Flow of Life.

States, precise and measurable,

are dots only upon the wave.

Drops in the rainfall

Leaves in the forest.

Each one does not speak for the whole.

When we see via state sampling

Nyquist recommends frequent observation

vigilance

to know well the wave that we ride.

Yet smoother is to feel the fall and rise.

Unmeasured. Been. Embodied.

Continuous watch of the Present.

The Is.

Notice of the tobogan of sensations, emotions,

thoughts, draws, hesitations

Shapes in space.

Colors in eyes

Sounds around

Choices, causes.

Secrets, whys.

And when we step out

we can step back in.

Feel you move. Let rush go. Notice, observe breath.

See the dance.

Be the dance.

Complete Presence

The Way of Full

Being

pond

Being, feeling, is a delight.

What lies underneath the undelightful layers

is a pond, quiet.

A trust. Permeating.

Each touch and shape and memory.

Watchful. Present. Unneeding.

Each speck of sensation a gift. A color.

to garnish our banquet of Is.

The floating layers above

of wants, pains, reactions,

the undigested remnants of our experience.

Have not yet been allowed into the pond.

For fear of pollution, perhaps.

To protect from pain.

Let them in. Watch them sink. Feel their shape.

The undelight can be moved.

The undelight can be digested.

Watch. Freel. That is digestion.

And clearer waters remain.

Arillas waves

We continue to be here.

I look ahead. The waves

continue to splash on the sandy shore.

Shimmering sunlight.

Morphing the swirling patterns of salty foam.

In surrendered offering to the slope of beach.

Caressing.

Melting.

Unrelenting.

We continue to be here.

womb experience

The delight of the warm sunlight atop the gentle, soothing waves that buoy my feeling, trusting hands quiet, limp, observant.

Antonio

in the water, she leaves me my head back, my body slanted back No air, I trust. She takes care of me. Time passes, I remain under. I know she knows. I know she takes care of me. Time passes, I remain under. My belly hiccups, it asks for air. I wait. She takes care of me. Time passes. I know she knows. I cannot breathe. Maybe she wants it. She wants me to stay in. All emotions at once. Trust betrayed. Rejection. She prefers me here. Unalive. Pride to cover my hurt. Let it be so. I stay here. It is good anyway. Deep. Quiet. Just me and I don't need you. I stay here. I don't need to breathe. She pulls me up. There I can breathe. No. No! You didn't want me breathing, so I stay in. Let me stay in! I don't need you. I pull down. I want to stay inside. No! You don't want me breathing, let me stay in! She pulls me out, I gasp for breath. Defeat. I failed. I failed what I tried, and now I'm with someone who betrayed me. Who doesn't want me. I failed. And I cry out loud, and the comfort I reach for is hers. I curl into her arms. But she betrayed me. But she has me. I breathe again.

Antonio

She plays with me. She curls up my leg as I sit, and she makes funny noises when she does. In playful, rising tone: "Tuuuuuuuuut!" I laugh. It's so funny how she does it, I like it. She takes care of me. "Swuuuuuuuuuuuuup!", she curls my other leg. I sit cozy and happy. She likes me and I feel good. Sun, water, sounds. My body is happy.

they didn't want me, but I am good.

I am good.

Numbers

What gives numbers their particular flavor is that they are so easily comparable. They open a clear potential for maximization and for advancement that easily sparks the spirit of achievement and competitiveness in those so inclined. A thirst for increase.

Their simplicity makes them useful and widely-applicable. When we are able to describe the world around us via quantities, we can grow a sense of reliability, of repeatability, that can clarify our mental models, and allow us energy we can devote to other pursuits.

A common pitfall is adopting the belief that the world is completely quantifiable. Or rather, that our understanding, our numerical descriptions of the world are complete, or even sufficient to navigate our life. Such a belief can see a person, intentionally or not, discard the parts of the world that do not fit their models. The fluffy ruffles, the unknown tinges, the occasional glitches, or even entire swathes of our perception, like our own inner workings and psyche, are at times crumpled up and moved aside to the bucket of "I don't know/I don't care", impoverishing our experience just as much.

Light is come

A restless sleep and a restlesser wake later, it is dawn. Silver sunlight gives the world a tinge of fresh light. Colors begin to wake again. A soft white sky with tinges of light blue and golden, just out my window. They permeate air. And a bee buzzes among the bright green leaves and the soft peach flowers that frame my window. Light comes.

Eyelids droop. A re-bed seems appetizing, but uncertain, as light is come.

Light is come.

Katikia Music Farm - Aug 2nd 2020

A 2PM coffee keeps my psyche awake tonight. A shared, friendly day with Kim has me fantasizing about the two of us sleeping together. "Maybe if I had said this. Maybe if I had asked that. Maybe. Maybe." Mind throws out its fishing pole into the sea of possibilities, distant from the Now. Searches for a solution.

There is no solution. It is here and now, and I sleep alone tonight. It need not be different. It need not be fixed. Nothing to take care of.

Just Fall.