Pubis touch

Aug 10, 2019

The desire to reach her sex may often be an old, stagnant value since teenagehood. When focused on sensation today, the present desire was centered on the contact between my fingertips and her sweaty chest.

Aug 13, 2019

I noticed I wanted to be seen. Deeply, willingly, longingly. With the effervescence with which I saw others, which also caused many to avoid me. Upon saying this, and pleading for it surrounded by all, my shame surrounding this truth washed away, and allowed light and expression into that longing.

She looked at me with the presence of a mountain river, and we held each other's gaze. She asked me to allow her to place my hand on her chest, and she did. Touch of support, of connection. She asked me to allow her to place my other hand between her legs, and she did. My inner desperate teenager felt a spike of disbelieving excitement and primal fear. She took my hand, with no hesitation, and placed it between her legs, adjusting her own body to fit her pubis to my palm. Her eyes said nothing but presence. She brought my hand to a center of vulnerability in her body, which parts of me feel is "the aim", the "thing to get", the goal to score. And I had done nothing towards it. No wooing, no chatting, no sneaking, no invasion, no hoping. Just a requested touch. And it was clear between us that it carried no connotation. No "maybe sex", no "maybe I like you", nothing. And my inner teenager conceded to the truth. "Ah yes, her sex is not the aim". In this moment of presence, I felt how our contact was but two shapes of skin and cloth, sharing surfaces. The games and secrets and sneaking and fantasies were not there. What, then, do I seek when I seek a woman?

Holding a space for her, of company, listening, and trust, along with some body embraces, were deeply fulfilling. Again my body felt how reaching her sex is not what my being seeks. A shared space, trust, touch, filled my cup of connection.

"Horse spirit", the card said.

I spoke my desire and it was seen and granted. I noticed I wanted company and I allowed myself to request it. A new point of reference. To focus my energy on.

My body spoke as it wanted. We gave it space with my group of witnesses. I asked it to tell me what it wanted. "Give me space", it said. For its voice, for its song, for its dance.

The water point in my fire line was touched by the needle. Perhaps it can cool down the intensity of my being's energy bursts. From sharp to smooth. From insatiable to aware.