in myself i notice at times situations of imbalance
when attracted, interested towards a person, my attention may sway to their side, and my state depend upon their attention and interest on me. at times i pour my emotional weight in that direction. my actions after differ drastically depending on the person's reception of my interest. if rejected, my interest recedes and closes, preferring numbness to the discomfort of unrequited interest. and if accepted, my interest remains and sways softly on their side, with an artificial push, a slight fear within that letting go of them results in losing them. and even after continued acceptance on their side, the artificial push eventually tires my emotions, and they recede towards the other side, intentional disinterest.
when unclear on a goal, impatient for a result, my mind seeks a path, a destination to follow, something to move to avoid remaining stagnant. it is afraid that stagnancy will slow it down. it knows itself as a fast and effective agent, and is unwilling to let go of that state. of its perceived identity.
in those moments, any activity suffices. Repeating stored sounds, cracking fingers, chipping fingernails, dotting the near future with optimizations.
at times i strain my body and attention to focus on a goal for the sake of optimization. "If I finish it tonight, it will already be done by tomorrow. It will be done faster. I will be seen favorably by my teammates. I will have proven my worth." When stretched beyond my natural will, my body and attention tire, and when given a chance, they recede to the opposite direction, one of tiredness and unfocus. sometimes i attribute these effects to a bodily lack of nourishment, and an association clicks between my body and my distracted mind. eat for energy, caffeine for focus, they say. eat, drink, re-focus. often before they have rested to their will.
when attracted, interested towards a person, my attention may sway to their side, and my state depend upon their attention and interest on me. at times i pour my emotional weight in that direction. my actions after differ drastically depending on the person's reception of my interest. if rejected, my interest recedes and closes, preferring numbness to the discomfort of unrequited interest. and if accepted, my interest remains and sways softly on their side, with an artificial push, a slight fear within that letting go of them results in losing them. and even after continued acceptance on their side, the artificial push eventually tires my emotions, and they recede towards the other side, intentional disinterest.
when unclear on a goal, impatient for a result, my mind seeks a path, a destination to follow, something to move to avoid remaining stagnant. it is afraid that stagnancy will slow it down. it knows itself as a fast and effective agent, and is unwilling to let go of that state. of its perceived identity.
in those moments, any activity suffices. Repeating stored sounds, cracking fingers, chipping fingernails, dotting the near future with optimizations.
at times i strain my body and attention to focus on a goal for the sake of optimization. "If I finish it tonight, it will already be done by tomorrow. It will be done faster. I will be seen favorably by my teammates. I will have proven my worth." When stretched beyond my natural will, my body and attention tire, and when given a chance, they recede to the opposite direction, one of tiredness and unfocus. sometimes i attribute these effects to a bodily lack of nourishment, and an association clicks between my body and my distracted mind. eat for energy, caffeine for focus, they say. eat, drink, re-focus. often before they have rested to their will.
No comments:
Post a Comment