I feel

• I feel strong desire to connect with people and to care for them. It is in my nature.
• I feel strong want to help and be recognized as valuable. It is a habit I learned when being helpful was the only way I managed closeness with people.
• If I do not feel helpful, I sometimes feel inadequate to connect, as if I have not "paid my dues" to connect.
• I feel strong want of physical intimacy with women. My sexual desire is intense by nature. Long repressed, it most often boils in desperation.
• My desire to connect and care for others is dampened by the pain accumulated at some time, of being ignored, rejected, laughed at between friends while meaning "what does THIS guy think he's doing?"
• I feel afraid to relive this pain. The pain is sharp, and now when I see people I would like to connect with, I feel a pull to slide away instead of expressing my interest. I even forget the desire to connect in that moment. And after I pull away, moments later, I feel "ahh... I would've liked to stay". And that hurts too - an inability to actually move towards what I am looking for, because I somehow make myself forget.
• I feel confusion when I begin to connect with a woman. Between the primal desire to connect, the feeling to pull away, the muted fear of the imagined pain of rejection, the looking for ways to be seen as helpful, and the desperate pull towards physical intimacy, also split between caring touch and sexual fulfillment, I know not what I do.
• I feel shame about this seeming inability to connect, likely silly to others apter at it. I feel sadness about the connection potential lost in this lifetime.
• I feel fear of experimenting on these feelings with women I do not know, for I feel fear of causing fear.
• I feel fear of ruining the potential of a relationship that could've been turned out delicious, had I not experimented on it.
• And I do not know what to do.