My male body feels attraction towards many female bodies. This has been the case for years now, and the nature of this attraction has shifted through the years. I ponder now on this attraction.
These days, I see a woman, and my body feels attraction towards looking at certain parts of her body. Her eyes, her hair, her colorful clothing at times, the tips of her breasts. The uncovered area of her chest, displayed like an upside-down window. The shape of her waist, her legs, at times accented by skin-tight fabric or loose waving fabric. My eyes pay attention to her, drawn like magnets to this exploration.
Strong among these points of interest are her eyes. I feel attentive to the fact of whether my attention arouses her attention back, and the quality of that attention. Is it one of surprise? Interest? Anxiety, evasion? Playfulness? I feel my mind watchful, quick to know how my attention stirs hers.
And I ponder why.
to what aim
I have sought different objectives when seeking women. A raw attraction arose since my early school days, drawn by long smooth hair and soft, receptive skin. This draw was raw, and it sought no objective. It just felt nice to move towards them and to play with them.
At some point I learned that a man finds a woman to couple with, kiss, and take care of. I was entranced by the holy-like scenes of romance celebrated with heart-twinging music and beautiful smiling animations. I learned from movies that Love makes people happy, and that the most sacred form of love was that between a man and a woman who find each other along life, and "become" eternally happy after they share true love's kiss.
Once I shared my first anxious kisses, and my budding expectations unfurled into clouds of light blue cloud cushions and a rosy mist that covered the whole world, I noticed my eternal happiness lasted less than forever. Unsure about whom to ask for a refund or for a do-over, I just kept looking for the next kiss. "Maybe the next one is the real one", I thought.
The next one was a lot saucier and shared a lot more skin - a kiss of the bodies rather than just of the lips. Its happiness also failed to last forever.
Gradually I uncovered the mysteries that lay beneath those colorful dresses and those sweet smiles. Yes, their softness was as true to my skin's touch as it was to my eyes. Yet they were built from the same flesh and skin and stories, anxieties, passions that I felt in myself and in other people, male, female, sexually-associated or not. Not creatures from the "realm beyond". Just other combinations of the same stuff.
What I first thought was raw sexual attraction persisted even after my sexual desires were sated or tamed. Still out on the street, passing women caught my eye and sometimes my hopes, and sometimes I wondered "what do I want to do with them?" It wasn't just sex.
I guessed it was company. Sharing experiences feels fulfilling, that mutual approval fills in those gaps one's self-worth misses, and the image of sharing it with someone whose figure pleases the senses, sweetened by the sexual fulfillment one prefers to have along in life, continued to fuel my momentum of looking at girls. I was basically looking for a job in the coupleship context. I was looking for a steady supply of attention and sex, in exchange for mine. Who'll buy?
When self-worth is realized as something one can provide oneself through trust, the urgency of the partner search softens. The momentum of coupleship lingers, after years of hatching and growing, and yet its root desire does not depend on it fully anymore, as it now can feed on one's own truth. The attraction still remains, though, and I still question: "What do I want to do with them?"
An answer comes. I'd like to play with them. In any shape that takes. There are beautiful experiences in this world, and sharing these with others enhances them further, and spreads their beauty and awareness out across the world in both our paths. Sexuality, romance, shared living, art, dance, travel, and words are all optional. And whichever one chooses to share in truth, enhances our way. We find partners and opportunities for play along life. And when we allow these to happen fully, we express our truth in their vessels, and a Life of fulfillment is lived.
This brings the question: "Need they be female?" I don't quite know. Experiences can be shared with all people, with all beings. Perhaps the sexual and romantic components are just so strong that they tend to draw the needle of attention the strongest.
These days, I see a woman, and my body feels attraction towards looking at certain parts of her body. Her eyes, her hair, her colorful clothing at times, the tips of her breasts. The uncovered area of her chest, displayed like an upside-down window. The shape of her waist, her legs, at times accented by skin-tight fabric or loose waving fabric. My eyes pay attention to her, drawn like magnets to this exploration.
Strong among these points of interest are her eyes. I feel attentive to the fact of whether my attention arouses her attention back, and the quality of that attention. Is it one of surprise? Interest? Anxiety, evasion? Playfulness? I feel my mind watchful, quick to know how my attention stirs hers.
And I ponder why.
to what aim
I have sought different objectives when seeking women. A raw attraction arose since my early school days, drawn by long smooth hair and soft, receptive skin. This draw was raw, and it sought no objective. It just felt nice to move towards them and to play with them.
At some point I learned that a man finds a woman to couple with, kiss, and take care of. I was entranced by the holy-like scenes of romance celebrated with heart-twinging music and beautiful smiling animations. I learned from movies that Love makes people happy, and that the most sacred form of love was that between a man and a woman who find each other along life, and "become" eternally happy after they share true love's kiss.
Once I shared my first anxious kisses, and my budding expectations unfurled into clouds of light blue cloud cushions and a rosy mist that covered the whole world, I noticed my eternal happiness lasted less than forever. Unsure about whom to ask for a refund or for a do-over, I just kept looking for the next kiss. "Maybe the next one is the real one", I thought.
The next one was a lot saucier and shared a lot more skin - a kiss of the bodies rather than just of the lips. Its happiness also failed to last forever.
Gradually I uncovered the mysteries that lay beneath those colorful dresses and those sweet smiles. Yes, their softness was as true to my skin's touch as it was to my eyes. Yet they were built from the same flesh and skin and stories, anxieties, passions that I felt in myself and in other people, male, female, sexually-associated or not. Not creatures from the "realm beyond". Just other combinations of the same stuff.
What I first thought was raw sexual attraction persisted even after my sexual desires were sated or tamed. Still out on the street, passing women caught my eye and sometimes my hopes, and sometimes I wondered "what do I want to do with them?" It wasn't just sex.
I guessed it was company. Sharing experiences feels fulfilling, that mutual approval fills in those gaps one's self-worth misses, and the image of sharing it with someone whose figure pleases the senses, sweetened by the sexual fulfillment one prefers to have along in life, continued to fuel my momentum of looking at girls. I was basically looking for a job in the coupleship context. I was looking for a steady supply of attention and sex, in exchange for mine. Who'll buy?
When self-worth is realized as something one can provide oneself through trust, the urgency of the partner search softens. The momentum of coupleship lingers, after years of hatching and growing, and yet its root desire does not depend on it fully anymore, as it now can feed on one's own truth. The attraction still remains, though, and I still question: "What do I want to do with them?"
An answer comes. I'd like to play with them. In any shape that takes. There are beautiful experiences in this world, and sharing these with others enhances them further, and spreads their beauty and awareness out across the world in both our paths. Sexuality, romance, shared living, art, dance, travel, and words are all optional. And whichever one chooses to share in truth, enhances our way. We find partners and opportunities for play along life. And when we allow these to happen fully, we express our truth in their vessels, and a Life of fulfillment is lived.
This brings the question: "Need they be female?" I don't quite know. Experiences can be shared with all people, with all beings. Perhaps the sexual and romantic components are just so strong that they tend to draw the needle of attention the strongest.
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