Sad Monologue

I feel sad. Why? I feel sadness because hse is not here I mourn her absence. And because I am alone, and I have not a task to distract my mind with, so I dwell on recreating, recreation (why not creation?), and I desire no alone recreation (or creation?) I see myself with a partner, a friend to shareactivities and moments and thoughts and feelings and love and acceptance, and joys, and occurrences, and idea, p.aces, experiences, skills, lives. And I feel sadness because I notice I don't have it, and this attaches to the numerous timesI have felt sad based on this, and it stays. And I glance at the sadness within me once more, and one glance is all it takes, and I find my will overwhelmed by it.

Yes I could ignore it. what, feel that everything is love, yes? Just remember that... just have the hart rememer love, and you keep remembering the heart? Grantitude... instant gratification? But ten what do I do with this sadness? Let it go? I want to feel it! otheriws ei ignore it, ai bury it deep inside, and i know that it satays there because iIT AHS done that in the past. and it is STILL THERE~~~~~ and i  can't even try throwing it somewhere, because it needs a receiver. and i attempt... i throw it into the obedient keys at my fingertips, but my throat still hurts by being knotted down, too much by habit, by, because it's forgotten how to say what it really wants to tsay. what ai am saying here but out loud, out in flaming, raging shouts and mimes and tears and pleads, shaking someone else as i do. i've forgotten? or... no, i haven't orgotten. i just need a RECEIPIENT!! a willing receipinet that's willing to take in my presently leashed fears, monsters, vanitieis, rages, frustrations (no, not unstrations yet)... to take it in, without fear, without thinking i want anything else by it. just to accept it, to know that it is necessary, twith an intention to help, to listen. but willling. no one willing to hear me with such strong intent. i have that intent with opeopel. i listen to them, i want to know. i want to know because they want me to know. and i seek someone like that. someone to see these tears and know why they are flowing. to relate, and not just to say "you're just going through a stage". IT'S NOT A STAGE!! or if it is, it's been a freaking 15-year old stage. NOT A STGE. deep sadness inside. diana is right. (diana, my present psychic. and only one so far). there is a deep sadness in me that shows up at times. these tiny, weakling outbursts are what seeps out whn my internal, distended buffer of sadness is overflowing. it's my chore of takin gout the trash. but i need help to take the rest of it out.

ALICE, HELP ME. THIS SADNESS RESIDES SOMEWHERE IN THIS MODY, AND...
WHAT IF I LOVE IT? LOVE MY SADNESS. HELLO, SADNESS. I LOVE YOU BCASUE YOU'RE PART OF ME, AND OIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIJDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD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AND BECAUSE I LOVE YOU MOST WILLINGLY when.

Again. Hours later, it's not as strong, though.
Sadness, I love you. You have a spot of residence inside my being, and we've been together for a while.
But I'd like you to leave, my being, love. You've set up tent and house and castle, and have already grown to an entire family of emotions inside. Bit you allow me no fulfillment. Whenever I find a strong connection with someone, and I excitedly search inside of me to share what I truly am w, as I desire to do in an connection... you're still there, my unseemly neighbor. And you're so overwhelming... you take over! My will is crippled, my excitement is dulled, and my self-esteem rips into shreds. And I find myslef again an unloved, avoided weird kid in hgih school again, but not even with someone around to deal with ti directly.
Because you come in the night of my solitude, love. You're not a lightning bolt that strikes the minute you're seen, an anxious cobra. No, you're a wave, will take time to form but it does. A tsunami, by the way it feels. Overwhelming - you crash over my shiny prospects and solid human connections, and CRASH, you dampen them all, toppling down a few in the process. And I'm now left grieving my destroyed city, knowing that I'l rebuild, but dreading what will happen when I build tall enough again.
Sadness, I love you as you are a part of me. But I want you to leave my being. I wish to dissolve you, transmute you and your fear into wisdom, love, and light. But I feel I need help. Please, please help me.

Sciamachy

I see in me now, meek fears that don't show up their head until they're no longer relevant. "Is it over?", they ask, and come up from the shadows they were hiding in, and float in the shaky uneasiness of my afterthoughts. "What if she thinks I don't know enough, am too naive to understand, am at too low a level, am not ready for it?" (Whatever IT is I might be hoping to... achieve, know, understand, perceive, be?) So I attempt to say, to be eloquent and produce the concepts I've gleaned til now, that system of reason and meaning I've built from the ground up with the twigs of my memories and the glue of my pride, which I've held close in a secret embrace lest anyone else see its value and infringe my copyright (which is funny, since in my "system" copyright is looked down upon, even if in condescending "compassion"), or worse, be overlooked or belittled. So I begin to put my system out into words... and then comes judgement again: "but am I gloating now?" The pride, the vanity stored in my secrets now appears oozing between the cracks, so then walks in the shame of pride (so, do I think I'm better than others and that I've learned some of the ultimate secrets of existence?), which I notice, then either comes pride of shame (Oh, just look at my humble being, recognizing my faults), or shame of shame (Such a silly thing to feel - we're all just what we are, what else could we be? Shame on your shame!), or even both together, and a chain reaction quickly spreads through my volatile thoughts, leaving my brain confused, filled with two "opposing" emotions, not knowing whether to secrete the hormones for superiority or inferiority, and I stare, deer-eyed into my own confusion. And shame on that...

Even now I tiptoe my way around attaching possessive articles to my own unwanted emotions... still in shame? In denial? In the hope that the power of my self-deprecating words is lessened by making them ambiguous? Somehow I doubt that the power of intention in words is a big stickler for grammar. But everything is... so everything counts, even these tiny defensive acts. Whether they help set me free or burden me further, my mind hasn't made up "its mind" yet.

Or another thought: "Am I talking too much about me? Am I being too self-centered?", blind to the glaring irony, staring at me facepalm.

And at times I swung back and forth between worship and disbelief "oh my god, it's really her! And what she says, oh it's so beautiful! And touching! I could follow her, I could give myself fully to her! What other worthier purpose?". Enter self-consciousness. "What are you doing, you look like a squealing fan girl! Get yourself back up together!" Enter the justifier. "Why should I hold back, if these emotions are true and strong? Let them be what they are!" Enter reality check. "Anyway, how do you know what she is saying is true? Universally true? Her demeanor, behavior, wisdom all check out, but how I can be SURE?" Self-consciousness: "Here, let me share the things I know, and we can see if they match!" Then follows pride if they do, shame if they don't, and soon I'm bound and gagged again within my inner disarray.

Shadowboxing. More like shadow bickering. If my emotions actually knocked each other out, "it might at least get simpler", I hear my self-pity say.

"Silly you. Why worship her? You know form is not what truly is"
"But EVERYthing IS!"
"So you think this is a game of logic, right? Because you think you're such a master of logic? Haha, because you manage to beat yourself every time?"
"Comparing myself to others is futile. The world is SO RICH!"
"So you think you have all the answers?"
"No, but I'm trying"
"So you think you're better because you don't claim to anything? What a trivial, meaningless solution to claim nothing, and to never be wrong..."
"But all IS as simple as that..."

"And so what if you write this, and you publish it? Do you want her to see it? Why? So she can know that your mind also goes nuts at times? Or to prove that you are also aware of it?"
"Just to say it... it wants to be said"
"Sure, blame the emotions... THEY want it, and you just follow their will. Riiight"

And still I hesitate to say, even to myself, that what I want, plain and simple, is to spend more time with her, sharing thoughts, emotions, studies, reading what we like, me basking in the light of her gentle intention, listened by her, and to learn to listen, and to remember what she wants us all to remember: That We Are. And to have my soul soothed by her living, marvelous proof that the meaning of Life is benign.

And to say all those unsaid conversations I thought of too late, or tripped myself into not telling her in that moment.

- You're the first person I've ever met both inside and outside of the Rainbow Gathering.
- You're the first person who ever visited me at this apartment. But you knew that.
- And when you said "I'm a little monk, and so tonight I'm not expecting any kind of physicality. I tell you for the sake of transparency and clarity", I wished I would've simply said "The connection I feel with you is so much deeper than physical, I seek nothing else", instead of going out and rambling about like I did.
- "I want to be your disciple", plain and simple, is what I felt like saying when I bumbled about so long that last morning. And about a psychic, but that's another story.
- "Your actions and initiatives are deep and beautiful, I love them. How can I help?" is something else I neglected to say.
- What does "Samsungs my HTC?" refer to, in your poem, "Google man"?
- I feel you did write "Google man" for me, though you might not have known.
- You look like Aurora from Sleeping Beauty.
- Your use of words is AMAZING. Ok ok, OUR use of words, then, my love :)

Meditation Journal

May the _th, 2014

So, new journal. And I’m itchy to use it already. And yet, I yawn because it’s past midnight. But significance abounds these days, and I yearn to imprint them somewhere before they’re carried off into that black hole of the past.

Many things. Like what? Maria. Mushrooms. Acid. The violin. Google. Contact lenses. New clothing. New car. Orthodontics. Singing Meetup. Improv Meetup. Counseling. Nexus 5. And now, Energy Counseling. I look forward to it.

My hand wants to just lay down, as does much of my body. So for now, Gute Nacht.

______________________________________________________________

God is my Father, Nature is my Mother, Wisdom is my Way.

I see me now

Calm, quiet, and receptive.

I see my heart peaceful.

And my mind tranquil.

I see the ultraviolet light

And the purple transmitting flame.

Wisdom is within me now.

I ask that I be placed in a

White capsule of protection.

And for this I give Thanks.

(10 minutes) (palms up)

(Visualize a white light around the crown chakra)

(Around the same time each night)

(Light comes down through each chakra, then legs, whole body, whole capsule)

(5 minutes palm down, continue)

(5 minutes silence)

May 6th, 2014

I just meditated with the rose crystal on my own for the first time. The crystal seemed to stimulate energy transfer from my hands, as I moved it and placed it on my upward palm.

It went very successfully, I believe. I took some time relaxing beforehand, only breathing and holding the crystal, and it felt right. The later visualizations seemed slightly stronger than I am used to, with this added focus, and that encourages me.

The white light in the crown chakra feels comforting and feels like energy flowing through my body, but produces only a slight emotional response. When the throat chakra is touched, I detect a blockage, a constricted opening that just wants to open up and speak the tale of decades of frustration trapped within, and shout its rage unto the unaware world. Feeling as safe as I can in a close-quartered suburban apartment, I compromised, and I swallow gulps of sighs. Emotions well up in me, weeping ensues, and I repeat it many times, until the emotional responses subside… because they feel so relieving, and I hope the white light can help cleanse me.

My heart chakra also seemed sensitive to the light, but not as sharply. Focusing on it made me feel giving, though… more willing to give myself to the world, less afraid, perhaps. And only after passing through that chakra, after spending some time on it alone, did the words “I see my heart peaceful” feel true inside me.

I had a short, but amazingly solid visualization while going through the chakras: I saw blades of grass. Like one would find in the wild - not lawn grass, but wild; some brownish; some land without, but dense enough. Their shapes were clear, and I seemed to tilt up and zoom in - the whole image moved as it would in my visual field if I were actually there.

The words were comforting to say over and over, with stretches of silence when it felt right. “Wisdom is within me now” reassured my intention and my inner state, and the request for protection strengthened the image of my capsule.

My feet hung from the bed all the time - it’s a bit high. But at the end of it, my heart felt peaceful and my mind felt tranquil.

May 7th, 2014

(0150 + 1)

Tonight I meditated at Tenaya Lodge’s Business Center, a conveniently solitary room at these late hours (and in general, I believe), since I share my bedroom with another offsite attendee.

I felt tranquil during tonight’s visualization - my images are clear at times, but that of myself surrounded by white light is quick to fade, and it’s an act of will to bring it back into focus. Perhaps that is the path: repetition of the uncommon, solidify it into habit, which allows one gradually to shift more focus not only onto achieving it, but onto refining and perfecting it.

My emotional response was only slight, but it again felt relieving to focus on the throat and to allow it to vent with round gasps of voicy breath and large sighs containing melancholy and gratitude. My heart chakra felt open and amenable today, but not without its twitches. I sought those twitches and triggers to tingling, and though I found a few, the energy I felt coming from it mostly resonated warmly through my chest.

No unexpected images popped up today, though near the end of the palm-up phase, I glimpsed what seemed like the shadow of a color, which I thought seemed like ultraviolet. And then in my dark field of vision, a circle appeared right at the center, also shadowy and uncertain, with the hint of a color (inside it)/(beyond it).

The feeling of serenity I am left with after these meditations is evident, and I can tell lucidity follows close behind, or right beside it. I hope it will help me rest effectively in my less-than-four-hours of sleep remaining tonight.

May 8th, 2014

(0230 + 1)

I meditated in Tenaya Lodge's business center again tonight, though my focus was scattered, and my mind drifter to sleep a few times. Tonight was a social gathering on the offsite, and I took the time to indulge in food, drinks, boardgames, and conversations all around. As a result, I came into the business room just before 2am, and my yawns evidenced my body’s requests for rest.

Visualizations were shaky, thoughts drifted to the people I met or the board games I played, and sometimes I just found myself waking up, sometimes even while speaking out the affirmations of wisdom, peace, and light. I felt little emotional response, and I think the one tear that rolled down my cheek came from a genuine yawn.

I find little else worth mentioning. I did wonder at times whether the alcohol I drank weakened my resolve or scattered my focus. But for a day that’s lasted 20 hours with me awake, I feel happy I followed up on the meditation today even as I did.

May 9th, 2014

(0009 + 1)

I’m very tired tonight, and I’m falling asleep quickly. This evening I felt very similarly to yesterday: next-to-no emotional responses, and my mind drifted out to other topics without my consent.

Off to sleep now. Bye.

May 10th, 2014

(0017 + 1)

Meditation today was straightforward - no emotional response, no insights. My body still feels a little tired from yesterday’s workout. Perhaps my body’s tired, perhaps **** I pured my obvious blockages, perhaps the crystal ****ull, perhaps the meaning of the words has faded due to *** repetition. A single tear fell off my left eye, but I really don’t know why.

Dream, May 11th, 2014:

Factors:

• Tiger who is set fire and goes helping/attacking people who are playing/running around.
• Marcelo G. breaks his chin, gets in contact ***.
• Two dogs are raised, identically in different parts of the country, as a psychological experiment, identically.
• Analogously, many children are raised identically as an experiment.
• Walking through the halls and elevators of CMU, remembering them as an awkard set of paths to get between classes and places (several elevators to take from GHC to NSH or Wean, for example)... it was more awkard and tedious in the dream.
• Re-encounter, Min - he was rendered temporarily blind due to the tiger attack, but I saw him walking around and doing mischief in CMU. But he ran into me while blind, and finding each other like that made us sentimental and we began crying to ourselves, while walking side by side, for a little while, as a Japanese-cartoon-style background song began playing in the background, the kind that stirs emotions (though it was in japanese and I didn’t know what it was saying).

More details:

• The tiger was set free because of me - either I was it, and managed to convince/escape my captors, or I watched strongly for the tiger. In any case, the tiger caused a lot of damage to guys who were just playing soccer in a field.
• Marcelo G. appeared in my area due to his travels, half-coincidentally, but when the tiger attacked, a car hit his chin right on the corner, and left him speechless for afterwards. We did speak before, though.
• *** the twin dogs’ and children’s environments were reproduced identically. Whatever happened to one, was reproduced identically in the other. Perfect control over them was the ***al. No conclusions obtained in my dream, from this. Perhaps the tiger was one of these experiments?)
• Little move to say about Min’s encounter - when I found him I was riding a sideways elevator together with a guy and his bike in a huge, cargo-like elevator. Min was outside the “window”, dumping a cart of (fried?) beans and rice into some random room through a window. He was accompanied by someone (because he was blind then), but that person later became Echo.

May 11th, 2014

(0002 + 1)

I found Focus in my meditation again today, and for this I am glad and grateful.

Today I felt my visualization was fuzzy and vague - the image of white light did not seem very steady, but I felt my intention was. The tingling on my skin that followed my deep breaths and flow of light felt prominent, and though it was still more a reflex than an act (still involuntary), I found a stronger association between my intention and the feeling.

I also felt my words carried a clearer meaning today - they were not just the lines to say in the moment, but the expression of real intention within me. I felt that meaning produced the increased sensations today, and it felt right to speak other words, which described the incursion of white light into my spine.

My emotions do not seem to sting and recoil in pain, nor do they seem to yearn explosive liberation like during the first few sessions. But my throat still feels constricted, trapped, and I can only infer that it wants to tell its tale to someone who’ll listen, or simply to connect, to communicate, to express. Or to sing.

May 12th, 2014

(23:25)

Today I felt confident enough to speak the base visualization lines, while adding in my description of the incursion of the white light into me, and while I bid the white light to open me, light me, and liberate my being.

I feel no emotional response anymore, though. Either my actions have become a predictable routine, too predictable for my inner inquisitor, or I really have removed some initial blockages in me. Or I’m tired from exercising or sleeping short nights or unfocused from the other parts of my current context? Meditation seems, however, at the very least, an effective relaxation technique and an exercise of focus, and intent. I’ll take the best that I can from it.

May 19th, 2014

(23:55)

The crystal makes me feel uneasy, so I meditated without it tonight. Also, whenever my intention *****e slightest, or perhaps only as a  bodily reaction, I dozed off **** a few milliseconds before I realized my head was ***rning to move. Due to this, I only visualized a few *** portions from the whole reef?*? - bright light over head, and ***ne words. My body wants to rest, though. So here ends the entry.

May 20th, 2014

(2 AM + 1)

Writing this next morning, I was fairly tired, so **** keeping awake and not distracted was slightly challenging. Thinking about Maria was a factor - we have begun to message each other again, and *** possible future meets & plans were swirling across my mind if I didn’t apply constant focus to the visualization of white light.

I also did not use the crystal, again. My previous impression of it becoming worn has prejudiced me, I gather, and I’ve been hesitant to let it connect with me. I think I might try to use it again soon.

May 22nd, 2014:

No meditation today. On purpose. Tonight I cried the loudest I’ve cried in years, if not since childhood itself… and it wasn’t even that loud… just a few stifled sobs, *** with breaths wheezing up and down my almost-reluctant-but-genuinely-willing-to-open throat. Screaming was *** suppressed, partly because expending so much emotional energy and *** ignals, with no one around, hurts. Yes, your cancellation was the trigger, Diana. No, I don’t know if it was useful.

May 23rd, 2014:

(0153 + 1)

Late meditation tonight… it is almost 2AM now. I postponed my meditation throughout the night by talking to friends, by listening to music, by catching up on my to-do’s, etc.

My focus was again scattered. I think sleeping will help me tonight.

May 25th, 2014

I write this the following night, before my meditation. It is already the 27th, just past midnight. My meditation last night was fuzzy, and I dozed off and dropped the crystal at least once. I used a candle, which I also intend to use today. With closed eyes though, I wonder how functional the lit candle is.

May 26th, 2014

I write this entry the following night also. My meditation felt also fairly unfocused this time, with both crystal and the candle alongside me. Tonight I ****e a small object that seems like a small stone in the shape of a top slice of a small acorn. It feels too light to be a stone, yet too rigid to be an acorn?

May 27th, 2014

Tonight’s meditation was meaningful, very deep, and transcendental. It was beautiful. Self-discovery, self-appreciation. Expression through voice, through song, resonated within my chest, my abdomen, my arms, my ****; colors, or shadows thereof, inundated my bodily ***ght: orange in my shoulders, green in my chest, blue in my throat. Details seem unimportant in comparison to the remarkable, gentle feeling of gliding I have with the world right now. I feel graceful, true, and beautiful, and so very deeply content. I feel not at all tired, and it is after midnight. I feel uncommonly lucid and focused, enough to care for my handwriting’s quality better.

My heart vibrated, resonated powerfully within my chest, and it strengthened as I sang and as I focused on the meaning of the words. I felt moved, stirred within the whole time, as I shed a single tear close to starting the meditation.

My body moved as it felt like during the meditation, most often symmetrically: it stretched its arms, it bent and straightened the spine, and it lay on its back at times. After silence, it asked me to stretch up tall, toes on the ground and fingers shooting up high, and I sang and changed the words one last time tonight. I feel the white light around me like a cloud and like a blanket, soft smooth, and light, and or that I give Thanks.

I feel like dancing and singing in gratitude.

May 28th, 2014

I write this the following morning. I meditated after midnight again, after a long violin practice session, and my body felt tired. I meditated with the small acorn-like object, and a glass of water, which I drank this morning.

I dozed off at times, but the colors in me again felt resounding in my chest and heart and head. I would like, I want to practice meditating earlier to avoid losing focus due to tiredness.

June 4th, 2014

I’ve meditated for the last three nights, including tonight, but I have not written any journal entries. This entry intends to discontinue this hiatus.

I have been keeping both energy tokens - the rose crystal and the acorn-like thing, inside a white handkerchief as Diana suggested. When I take them out and hold them, I feel energy flowing and pouring within me, through me, and focusing on the visualization came more comfortably to me. One tear emerged from my left eye last night, and tonight both eyes shed a single tear each. They feel cleansing, as if they routinely sweep my emotional insides and remove the unused or useless. I sang my chants tonight, with a great happy, resonating feeling along the chakras I moved through. The throat and heart chakras seemed especially sensitive.

It is still late, but my body and mind did and listened the visualizations. Now, to sleep.

June 8th, 2014

I haven’t journaled in a few days, and I wanted to do a quick recap of my recent meditation sessions. So here goes:

These past few days my meditations have felt focused and intent. I’ve kept my tokens inside a white handkerchief, as suggested by Diana, though I haven’t been taking them with me as before. I’d like to do both. My meditation sessions have been a consistent daily action for the past few days, and I’d like to continue them in this way.

I’ve been noticing that while my visualization of light along my head, forehead, and throat remains as I begin it: white, pure-feeling, the light, as it approaches my heart, refracts and spawns paths of multicolor from, around, and into my heart. It is there where the energy through my body, my spine, my chest, my shoulders, my neck, and head flow through the strongest. Green on my shoulders is consistent, and so is the urge, the pull to lift and turn my shoulders up and around, indeed as if I were yearning and attempting to take off and fly. Often when I do that, the energy feels stronger through my body, especially around my upper spine and shoulders, and a wordless emotion of yearning, deep yearning, and either loss or inability to find, surges in me and I fall forward, feeling like letting go, sobbing in a soft, deep grief, not understanding why.

I intend to keep a regular, intend meditation practice, and I hope also to keep updating this journal in a timely manner.

June 9th, 2014

I started my meditation at 2AM tonight, and I dozed off at several points, sometimes forgetting which statement I was about to say. Otherwise, my focus was fairly steady and my intention felt solid. Some emotional click, and ****se, but I think my body was not a smooth recipient/channel for those tonight. Good night!

June 10th, 2014

My meditation tonight began past midnight again, and I **** felt glad to experience it; and I still am. It was a ****sed, quietly powerful session, and most every word I said my meaningful intention. I said the base statements during my initial white light visualization, and once per each of the seven main energy centers down my body. I skipped the first statement, “God is my Father”, when it didn’t resonate within me, and at the end added: “ I ask that I be filled with a white, cleansing light [of the essential], and for this I give thanks”.

I thoroughly enjoyed the tingling, brilliant, smooth caress of energy as it coursed through my body (and my mind, when I asked it to). My entire session was washed with flowing waves of this energy, and I focused on feeling them and interacting with them through subtle bodily shifts. I would like to sharpen my perception of energy, and to interact or direct it within me, and to understand its nature and its potential, and to learn to use it towards benign purposes.

June 11th, 2014

Tonight I meditated early - it is barely past 11PM now. My session was steady and pleasant throughout, and I spoke the usual words seven times like yesterday. I also included the words “I feel the energy around me, which soothes and empowers my being”. I would like to describe the energy as “brilliant” in my next session.

Reactions within me now feel flowing and smooth, as opposed to the intense emotions that burst out from me in tears only a few weeks ago. It feels more like nourishment than like catharsis now. As if my being is learning its way around a heart without shutting it with a tight lid as it did. As if it’s learning what’s actually inside.

June 12th, 2014

I meditated tonight at 2AM, one of the latest times I have done so at. I felt focused and steady - I enjoyed the whole process and the waves of energy through me. I don’t recall feeling colors as I focused on my heart or any other point, but the energy that feels inspiring feels to me golden. I enjoy my enjoyment.

Though it is late, my body feels less tired than at other times. I dozed off very few times tonight, and I did not feel very lost after I did.

June 19th, 2014

Writing this the following morning. Last night my body was sleepy, and it required an effort to keep myself awake or to keep the crystal from slipping from my hand, and onto the floor. I visualized white light and protection, though didn’t feel awake enough to visualize my energy centers, so I stopped early and went to sleep, after saying the words once.

June 22nd, 2014

I meditated today near noon - I felt it as a good ***e after two consecutive nights without meditation. This was the first time I visualized the light starting from my heart, and expanding onto the rest of my body. I also visualized movement, per Diana’s request: spirals of light around my energy centers, though only little movement between the centers, and hardly any around me. I will to visualize all light moving effortlessly and fluently throughtou, within, and around me for subsequent sessions.

Diana’s words have effected throughts and visualized scenes about what will happen next week. I aim to trust and flow rather than expect - however, keeping my mind tranquil was much helped by the recited words, with respect to other times.

Tonight again…

P.S: I also teared near the end of the session - again wordless emotion between sadness, relief, and… hope?

Later…

Tonight’s meditation was throrough and strong. Visualizing movement in the white light allows for much creation and design, and I enjoyed circling, swirling, spiraling, and tunneling creative, life-giving energy around and throughout my body. My shoulders wanted much movement - they swung around as my head lifted, reveling in the joy of benign energy coursing throughout them and expanding their possibilities. They are reaching out for something… even beyond the further release and current of energy. But what?

I visualized energy top to bottom tonight. I feel familiar with it now. A few images came to my mind tonight. A set of screw bits viewed from the top. And then another, but of drill bits. And then some kind of metallic item, a small tool, with precise markings on its edge that gave it resemblance to a key, or some specialized hardware tool of precision.

I loved and enjoyed my meditation session tonight.

June 24th, 2014

My meditation tonight felt a little sorrowful, especially at ****t, I felt because of strong excitement and in a ***eling of outreach for what is coming, desirous to have it come by. Energy was felt smooth and strong, though feeling *** (*** little tired, and feeling somewhat impatient for what is to come), I said the words every two energy centers or so.

June 25th, 2014

Today my body felt unexpectedly tired during my meditation. **** I fulfilled the full procedure with fairly solid visualizations of light around and within me, only slightly ****eling colors. My mind seemed to wander more often than usual, but it responded to persistence, eventually.

Today I also lit two candles for my session - the blue one I’ve been using, almost fully worn, and a new purple one. For the first time also, the blue candle was off when I opened my eyes at the end of the session. I wonder a little about the significance of that set of events.

I feel well. Expectant, a bit, but well. I did realize yesterday that though I wrote, and hold, that too often expectation overrides experience, they need not conflict. Now I intend to find balance between these. Or perhaps old my expectation into intention. I intend to enjoy, to grow, to love, to learn, to improve, everything and completely. To share with a kindred spirit. Ah. Delight.

July 2nd, 2014

A fly, and many. Many bluebells, a field. A field of green and blossoming bluebells, and sun, and rustles, calm, ***oiced by the same cooling zephyr that blows the gentle shimmers of the hillside Aspens. A star,  high and bright, gifting with powers all within its reach. A world, ready to be, and to be fully and truly as is the one way to be.

And a love, to feel and to spread and to feel and to spread. Be.

I have meditated fairly consistently while out on the path and at the Gathering. On a rock of a rest stop in Utah, under the shower at Greenpath, and under a starry sky in a long trail and meadow between hills and valleys of marvelous aspens and pines. It has felt recharging, more than cleansing. And I enjoy it.

And then…

July 3rd, 2014

Last night I dreamed of a green-and-white-winged-fairy-****essed superheroine who was attempting to invade the house **** in Guatemala. I noticed her as she was beginning to ****, and I instantly sent a message (telepathically perhaps) to my sister, which said “There’s an intruder in the house!”. Alicia then flew and used her own super vision powers to scan the house. She found the intruder, and in anime fight style, she sped towards her and kicked her in the forehead while doing a backflip in the air. This kick was also cold, and froze the intruder. Both my sister and the intruder were dressed identically: tight green and black costume and mask all over, perhaps even antennae, and like-styled wings.

When the intruder recovered consciousness, she was walked down to the community she seemed to have wanted to intrude upon. It was a farm/forest-like setting, and everyone there would be just talking or playing around or dancing or singing - all in harmony. They all also seemed to have superpowers - some could make fire, some could make ice, some had flight or supervision, but in the community, they all lived in harmony. The intruder wondered at what she saw, and walked from site to site, realizing that a truly peaceful community had been built there, and wondering if she would also join them. Yes, the community was not unlike a Rainbow-like intentional community, and a thriving one at that.

July 23rd, 2014

It’s been over two weeks since I’ve journaled about my meditation sessions. I’ve been meditating nightly, per Diana’s instruction, and they have been going very smoothly.

For two weeks since coming back from Utah, my sessions felt steady. Sometimes it flowed with emotion or with energy across me, and sometimes the visualization was clear, though I felt less energy surge through. Mostly, they’ve felt quieting and centering, and Diana mentions the energy work is going very well on her side. I am glad to know that.

On Monday she sad a blue energy mist surrounding me, and wings, large ones, around my torso. She suggested that I add these visualizations to the meditation sessions, and I have. Absorbing blue substance feels comforting, peaceful, and empowering. Feeling, stretching, and rotating my shoulders feels, as usual, relieving energetic, and often releases energy into other parts of my body.

Tonight I experienced a session that I particularly noted and liked. After quieting the mind for a while, with love and the fluffiest pillow, I saw white light in my heart, and blue energy came into me through my pores and through my hands. Blue filled me, only pierced by a ray of white energy between the top of my head and my tailbone. This blue remained inside and through my body during the session and it was covered by the white capsule of protection around my body.

This contrast in color brought up others as my focus shifted through my energy centers. The light in my throat resembled a lighter blue, and on my forehead, I sensed green come into, and so it as. At this point I felt energy around my shoulders/wings quite strongly, and shifting the focus to the top of my head, I visualized ultraviolet at that center, while I moved my shoulders fast and intentionally, meaningfully knowing and feeling the energy being released.

Once I focused on the top of my head, the energy flow paused and so did my mind, and I found myself feeling quite calm, quiet, and focused. I said the words I recite with conscious intention. I felt at that moment on a high plateau of peace and mindfulness, my feelings, sensation, my experience unbarred, unblocked by lingering or wandering or whimsical thoughts. My being simply glided through the experience, and it felt delightful.

I feel I love my mind during this session. When thoughts come up, I find myself able to let them go, and when thoughts of the future come, such as what I would be doing in four seconds or so, I found I could bring the mind back into the present moment, and, as David Chu**? suggested, sink it into the soft, earthen, receptive body. It felt strongly centering to do so.

July 24th, 2014

Tears and crying came out of me tonight, having picked at my scars inside during my one-hour talk with Sharon. How deep is that well of hurt, loneliness, and sadness? How can I truly heal it?

July 26th, 2014

I felt tonight’s session swift and effective, though I began it just after 3am. My mind complied to *******, and the images **** light and flow felt true.

___________________________________________________________________

Amo en pleno a mí mismo, mis decisiones, intenciones, relaciones, al universo y a todos sus seres; y ****s a mí.

July 28th, 2014

Tonight I meditated around 2200, and my session was firm and course**?. I interleave my new personal mantra now when it feels thus, and otherwise I keep the same visualization and follow each energy center in my mind, and align my intention with my words.

July 29th, 2014

Last night in my dream, I traveled with Isabel to an area, which I thought felt a little like the one that held that other magnificent structure in the forest… but it was different… the area seemed a bit more desertic. Bizarrely, to get where we were going, we had to go through a series of rushing water flows, through pipes, inside something that looked like sewers, but the rushing water was clean.

August 1st, 2014

Tonight’s meditation was wonderful and powerful. I set my mind free to roam at the start, and thoughts and memories, plans and stories, all projected in my self like a film. When I felt I’d seen enough, I loved my mind; with hugs, with truth, closeness, and complete enveloping in my love. And my mind quieted, as I allowed it to simply observe my body, my sensations, just as they were. And with such quiet, my being promoted focus of intention, and intent receptiveness and visualization.

I love my mind. And I love a state of focus and intention, as I still now feel.

August 3rd, 2014

August 4th, 2014

My meditation tonight was beautiful. It felt cleansing, fulfilling, enriching, true. I felt my mind quiet and attentive as I became aware of it and of its expressions, and as I loved her for them and for herself. Like a child, long did she reach out in her games, her realms made of the subtler fluid, and long did I take her literally, or push her away, claiming to busi-ness, and scattering her energy in all different directions, shattering my power in the process. But rarely had I NOTICED her, not as a menial assistant, but as her own lovely, fascinating entity.

I found that I love her. She serves me, she helps me, she loves me. And at times, she feels afraid, and reacts in like: hastily, unfocusedly, perhaps even angrily. But I love her, and tonight I saw her, gently. I watched each of her waves reach my awareness, observed it rise from a calmer surface. But I did not struggle to rise above it and ignore it, nor did I push it away to the edges of my psyche. I saw it come and wash over me, I noticed it for what it was, I received it, as an expression of my beautiful mind, and I soothed it, lovingly. I embraced what it was, as an expression of my dutiful friend, and I loved it , dearly, as I whispered to it the softest “sshhhhhhhhh…”. And I felt my mind understand me, I felt her receive my love and feel seen, acknowledged, and happy to follow my focus back into awareness of my soft earthen, receptive body, and of my visualizations of energy, wings, and light.

At times my mind moved in waves, at times as invisible currents that could inadvertently drift me away, and at times, as sporadic bubbles that emerged when all was tranquil. The calm around me allowed me to notice them, and they were sometimes remains of past events, that I recognized as emotions or affairs congealed in imbalance with time. Like a question to myself: “Do I feel regret for…?”, I recognized I had only reached a good-enough answer to allow me to keep living without having to deal with it. But it still appeared, and I noticed it, and I loved it, and loved my mind that had produced it. And loving it, I felt it melt away into acceptance, appeased, fulfilled, and my awareness came back into the tranquil Now.

Sometimes I noticed my mind’s thoughts as the future, rushing past the moment to get to later. Sometimes as the past, like it were listening to a favorite piece of music one more time. Sometimes I noticed evaluation, or judgement, a push to meditate faster, a brake to hold back onto a stronger focus, a judgement upon having drifted again, a fear of doing it wrong, a zeal of improving and becoming able in the subtler arts, a fear of having thought that, and due to such, failing to to achieve it. All these I noticed and I loved, with my heart. And after each notice and embrace, I felt my lovely mind cuddle up more comfortably into a feeling of love and acceptance.

August 10th, 2014

Last night, I felt sad and unwilling to meditate, so I told Diana about it and went to sleep at around 3am. My mood was triggered by a few brief comments during a late night talk with Montse; I told her, mentioned barely, how I considered all of my previous attempts at romantic relationships with girls as failures, and how that simply accumulated frustration inside me and felt sad.

I woke up this morning and cried upon remembering last night’s feelings. I sobbed, I whimpered, I saw my tears slide down my stubbly face, with flushed eyes and cheeks. Nevertheless, I meditated with the two complementary stones for a short session in the morning.

And tonight, I meditated with the rose quartz. My mind felt mostly tranquil, as did my body, but the underlying mood contained sullenness still, and I felt the meditation flow smoothly, but perfunctorily. Focus does feel a tad sharper now, though.

August 18th, 2014

I write this entry under the light of the same three candles that illumined my closed eyelids as I meditated tonight. Set at the vertices of an equilateral triangle, blue, green, and white, together with the three stones, I meditate with, which form an overlapping triangle, each also a different color, my table looks quite festive tonight.

Although last week my mood was visited by some pensive self-pity, and my meditation sessions felt weakly motivated - even perfunctory at times - on Saturday I focused my energy from my crown chakra through to my bottom centers, and as I centered on my heart chakra, I felt colors of opal shine from my center, and spread to my shoulders, arms, and torso. I knew then I had achieved enough focus and/or flow to experience a delightful meditation.

Today, a whim of intent asked me to light several candles for my session, and another, to meditate with all three stones. I set up the table, I read poetry beforehand, then meditated with the balancing stones, and then with the rose quartz.

Tonight, I replaced some of the words from my habitual declarations, for others that felt truer, clearer, or simply nice. Many versions came up, but a broad summary can be encompassed by the following:

I am my Father, Love is my mother, Wisdom/Delight/Freedom is my way.

I feel me now, Pure/Bright, Brilliant/Balanced/Joyous, and Collective/Eclectic.

I feel my heart joyful/blissful/truthful, and my mind tranquil/happy/appeased.

I am the ultraviolet sight, and the purple transmitting flume.

Wisdom is within me now.

I ask that I be placed,

In a white capsule of liberation/fruition/elevation/intention/creation, and for this I rejoice/feel peace.

April 25th, 2015

Two squares. 4, 25.

One beach. One sun.

One experience.

No explanation.

Self-pity. For my pitiful social life.

Resentment. For the family that taught me no street smarts. Or about human connection.

Tears. Of the thousands of lost chances. Of the endless alternative worlds that a little trust, or love might have enabled.

Cold feet. Ocean water moist.

Cold hands. Breeze cold.

A wondrous body to use, and to travel, to learn. But it finds itself dejected. It craves company, trust, and it has not yet found a source.

I guess I’m not an effective source myself.

Baby it. Well, this is me whining and wailing.

And wail I did.

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She moans, and she pants, her eyes shut in surrender. I feel how each shift of our skins shows up on her open book of a face, I read it as I feel it too. And I feel connection. And power. To bring her yet higher to… that place from which that infinite pleasure emanates, gives me divine purpose that I follow joyfully. To merge, and to explore the wonders of pleasure and touch, together with you, whom I trust, is an act of the Divine.

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I do my best. What else can I do?

Have a better best? A less prudent one. A real one.

One unburdened by the sticky ties of mundane society and common “guidelines”. But keep your obligations.

Maybe I don’t really have any obligations these days.