Standard Morality

Often when I do something I consider "noble" or "good" or "altruistic", my mind wanders into the fields of self-approval and pats myself on the back, and automatically gets to thinking about what a good person I am, or about the good karma that I have gained from my selfless action. I dislike this reaction of mine very much.

It assumes that näive moral standpoint that we are all like Kindergarteners who deserve to be rewarded by their "good" actions and punished by their "bad", one closely linked to traditional western religion. That there is something or someone out there that knows better than us, a universal judge of right and wrong, and that we should strive to adhere to it in order to be "better people" or whatever. That all of our actions are constantly and thoroughly observed by something else, that always knows better than us.

And I don't and I don't and I don't don't don't like it.

Because there is no moral standard. There is nothing absolutely right or wrong. One is the only true judge of one's own actions, and only each person knows the details of his or her own situation best. There is help, there is hurt. There is love, there is hate. There is happiness, there is sadness. There is hunger, there is death. There is warmth, there is cold. There is more, there is less. But "right" and "wrong" are labels, helpful at expressing a sentiment, but subjective to each person in each situation at each given time. And our society has made a map from specific actions and thoughts and feelings to these two labels, telling us what to do and not to do, what to think, what to feel, what to see, what to ignore. The map of standard morality. This false model of rules of right and wrong in an ever-changing world.

I will not refute that this moral map is a convenient manner to maintain order in a system plagued with poor education and rampant vices. I am aware that these rather abstract matters are much more comfortably perused from my side of the skew, one exposed to a rich diversity of ideas, places, people, and resources, and that a large portion of the population would much rather have a daily loaf of bread than listen to the best philosophical treatises in history. They'd probably rather not listen to the treatises at all. (I'm giving the general populace rather low credit, but it serves to express my point). It is not my goal to criticize these people, their actions, their values or even the system. My goal is to reflect on my own behavior and paradigms.

I think that those of us who have the privilege of thinking, should think. Those who have the privilege of learning, should learn. Those who can improve in a manner they feel is best, should. "Should" - a rather poor choice of word, considering what this post is about. But this is my "should". It's what I feel, what I think, and it is what I want to apply to myself and to my Life. Thus this text of self-expression, which attempts to stare at my incrusted traditional moral standard long and hard enough to allow me to replace it with something else. How about with awareness, and with empathy. And with confidence in my own actions. And with the knowledge that there is nothing and no one out there that can dictate judgement upon the correctness or the righteousness or the morality of my decisions, actions, thoughts, or feelings. That is not to say that I should stop listening and taking advice, for it's an easy slope down to foolish self-righteousness from there.

So yeah...

Paranoid embarrassment

I am just now remembering an experience in high school that has stuck as a psychological trauma during all these years.

I was in 11th grade, so it was the year 2000, and I was like so many other teenagers - angry, insecure, confused, scared. This was accentuated by my being somewhat of an outcast. I had no friends in school or in my family I felt I could trust or I felt comfortable hanging out with. Because everyone in this new high school seemed far richer, more frivolous, more vulgar, and more surrounded by vicious activities than I had ever known in other schools, or than my family had ever been, so even when someone genuinely extended their hand out to reach me, I recoiled in mistrust and shyness inside, and this projected on my face as either restrained fear or flat indifference, so people eventually learned to avoid me altogether.

Since my social situation in high school sucked, my life sucked, and I was so very often depressed to the point of tears - whether those of anger, frustration, loneliness, or just plain sadness, and I had no one to trust and tell. Often to the point of musing over a bridge railing, or to thinking about maximizing blood loss with the single cut of a kitchen knife, eager to stop suffering by any means.

Anyway, at one point in time, I struck a positive outlook and decided that I wanted to change my sucky situation. My plan was to improve myself through following a strict routine of exercise, diligence, and building confidence. I wrote down on a single sheet of paper, on both sides, a list of things to do every day, every week, and objectives I set myself to reach. I wrote it as a letter to myself, a statement of things I desired to achieve, and I signed it at the end, fully set out to achieve my goals. Among my exercises, I remember I wanted to go out walking or running on the streets every morning, do so many push-ups, sit-ups, and weight lifts daily to enhance my build and my general attractiveness. Among my goals, I remember I wanted to do 100 consecutive push-ups, I wanted to be capable of ensuing a conversation with anyone I wanted, even with pretty girls, and I wanted to abstain myself of masturbation for at least 40 consecutive days. I had noticed even then that masturbation, especially taken to excess, caused one's mood to diminish, and made one's mind and senses dull. At the end of my statement, I dated and signed it very ceremoniously, convinced that this procedure would change my life for good.

About a week or two passed during which I followed my routine very closely, and I felt generally better about myself. Working towards some kind of personal goal really had me on a good path. Then one day, my stupid self put my sheet of paper inside my school backpack. I don't know when, and I don't know why. But I did. And it just so happened that once after a class, my clumsy self misplaced my little sheet of paper, and left it on my desk as I got up and walked towards my following class. Only an hour or two later I realized I didn't have my precious statement with me, and when I went back to the class, it was gone. Of course.

I was quite distressed, but I wouldn't have minded writing another one that much. Most of my anxiety feared that another student would pick up my statement, read it through, and pass it around through my classmates for them to see and have a good laugh at me. It was supposed to be MY statement, no one else's, and I feared for that sanctity to be broken, but what terrified me most was my leaked written acknowledgement that I masturbated often, and more, that I wanted to quit it. At the time I didn't know whether it was bad to masturbate, or bad to not masturbate, or bad to want to quit masturbating. I had so little knowledge about the frequency or usage of the technique in general among my gender, that all possibilities frightened me terribly. I was already on the verge of being the class freak, and I didn't want to give up my last misbegotten shreds of hope of having a decent social life, or of EVER finding a girlfriend (that's the way I saw it then).

And sure enough, the next morning, my classmate Grajeda comes over to me along with Juanis, and they begin asking me strange questions about what I had done this morning or something similar, or whether I liked to "peel it" often. I feigned disknowledge as much as I could, but I eventually cracked and begged them to give me my statement back. They wouldn't, and I begged and begged, trying not to make a scene in the corridor, as divulging my statement to others would have been much more disastrous.

I think I eventually got my statement back, two days later or so, but during those two days I was absolutely terrified of my statement getting copied or shown around. And even when I had my statement back in my hands, my paranoia remained just as strong, so fully assured that, for all I knew, everyone in the school had a copy of my statement and were laughing behind my back, even the people I occasionally talked to, because even them I didn't trust. I didn't trust that anyone in school would truthfully tell me if they had ever read or seen my statement. So I never asked anyone else, and Grajeda and Juanis never told me. I asked them once or twice, but they responded vaguely and teasingly. Or maybe they answered me seriously, but I didn't trust them. So my paranoid embarrassment was kept fresh and torturous within me until the day I left high school. And I mean torturous. I self-flagellated with shame every single day when I saw my classmates' faces, and I wondered in silence whether they knew my dirty little secret.

And even after high school, its marks in me remained. They still do. I'm scared to face my problems and work towards them objectively or in a goal-oriented manner, because that's what caused my little mishap in the first place. And I'm always cautious about what I say to people, and I always take an active defensive role in the conversation, whether I notice it or not, feeling that they know something embarrassing about me, and that I must be wary of not producing that embarrassing fact. Not to anyone, because ANYONE could know it. Even if they don't say anything, they COULD know something. I know my fear doesn't logically extend beyond the realm of high school I escaped from 10 years ago, but feelings don't work logically. So I have kept sequels of illogical universal paranoid embarrassment inside me for over 10 years. It's fucking hell. I just now realized how deeply it affected me, and many other observations I've since then had about myself now make sense altogether.

But true this: you can't solve a problem you can't see. Nor can I. Now to do something about it.

Bubbles

I just realized today that, when boiling water, bubbles form at the bottom of the pot because that's where it's hottest, so that's where water is turning into steam most rapidly. And then they rise through the water because they want to be free, of course. Having just reached the threshold of gaseousness, the bubbles find themselves rising above the mass, shy at first, but becoming the precursors of the ones to follow. Inspired by their comrades, and fueled by the fire under them all, they expand, they become lighter, and soon whole masses and hordes all rise together to a much greater world outside of their pot, blaring all together from their vibrant hydrogen atoms: FREEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

The Grinding Economy

People are DRIVEN, INSPIRED, MOTIVATED, PUSHED, SUBJUGATED, COERCED practically into working and earning and grinding themselves to push the gears of economy. Damn pushers. Damn them. They have incrusted into our minds the paradigm that being happy is working really hard all your life to finally be able to afford a car, a wife, a house, a dog, children, a fucking vacation to Florida or a camping trip once or twice a year.

Ever since I grew up. All my life. The tacitly assumed goals of worth in society were to make money, have more things, be good at what you do, be better than others, implied by grade comparison in school. What did parents do… they pretty much just worked. Why did they work? To make money. Was it better to have more money? Yes, of course. Why couldn't we have everything we wanted at the supermarket? Because of money. So it's good to have money? Yes, but you don't go about telling everyone you have money. Why? Because it's rude to those with less money. So people with money show it only subtly, because it still feels good to them to feel superior but they don't want to be criticized by their rudeness. And so the people who don't have money only subtly and silently resent it, with little obvious indication that they resented it. Because they might feel humiliated by acknowledging that they don't have as much money. And why does that humiliate them? Because they've seen others before them be humiliated by having less money, it's the thing to do. So it builds up and it gnaws at them from the inside. And through silence, through obvious and silent acknowledgment, everyone ends up convinced that having money is the thing to do. And how to get it? Doesn't matter. Whatever. What does it matter, if it gets you the money? Because with money, you can get whatever. Right? So just get the money, and then do whatever the hell you want.

So sometimes people go through this uncountably-vast-and-large-dimensional world, modeling it almost unidimensionally. Their one prized selected feature: money.

Not entirely, of course. Our nature compels us to include features such as pain, discomfort, sex, hunger, excretion, and such basic needs into our model. But those are just the basics. There is SO MUCH MORE. That so many of us sadly has forgotten, or ignored their whole lives… that is just THERE for the taking. Happiness, wind, colors, laughter, wonder. They aren't the supplements to a life of hoarding money. They are the flavors of life. Include them in your life. Include them in your model - use them to guide your life, just as along with money, which is indeed an important feature but NOT THE ONLY ONE. Know that diversifying your interests gets you a much better chance of reaching your goals. It works in stock trading (or so they say), and it works in life. You should know this, all of you people who understand these words of dimensionality. Higher dimensionality allows for so much more freedom, so many more possibilities. And besides, money is so zealously sought after these days, it's a limited resource, so you might be better off removing your dependency on that bottleneck. And it's such a fad… don't fall for it. Include it in your life, but don't live for it. Don't build your life assuming that you will be earning a given amount of money the whole time, because then you will be forced to. Live freely. Be happy. Move the gears of economy, but don't waste yourself on them. Enjoy :).

A day in New Mexico

Written on Sept 30th, Los Alamos, New Mexico

I woke up at around 2:36AM today, probably by Carmella's touch or move on the bed. My body urged me to close on her and hold her, but my mind knew that an uncalled approach might offend her or strain our cordial hostess-guest relationship. Regardless, I spent two hours trying to sneak in a touch, a caress, a hold, on her soft skin. I managed to touch my lips to her cheek once, softer than air, a few touches of my adventurous hand to her own, or to her thigh, and then an explicit hug, which although close to becoming a makeout session, ended in a finish of platonic endearment.

Morning came, and I woke up, surprised that I had been able to fall asleep again at all. 7:15AM, Carmella got up and readied to go to her classes. I did the same, expecting to hear from Amber to go to Taos. She would pick me up at Carmella's, at 8:30. She came, closer to 8:45, and we walked to Satellite Coffee to meet Mary and start driving from there. Once on the highway, I divided my focus between talking with Amber, a high-throughput conversationalist, about her life in Guatemala, volcanoes, our lives, and other miscellani. At one point Mary joined the conversation, and they talked about their Spanish-teaching lessons, courses, and zodiac signs, and my attention diverted to the running landscape outside the windows.

Dry sands and sparse, bramblish vegetation, backed by further sands, hilly dunes, and distant rocky mountains. Amber and Mary's words merged into the background as I tried to realize the significance of being where I was. New Mexico, half a country away from where many people assume I am. The scenery became rockier as we rolled up north, montains closer, and more jagged, and then lusher trees, and colors of Fall appeared on the leaves.

We stopped for lunch at Guadalajara Grill. An impressive mural of Quetzalcoatl over the city of Jalisco filled the wall beside our table - it showed a great green serpent rising up high in the sky from its own body, the lush mountains below. I ate a Veggie Taco and the burrito Carmella made for me this morning. Renewed, we continued all the way up to Taos, and arrived at the festival.

Indeed an authentic old town, Taos Pueblo was a dusty circle with a wooden pole in the center, 5 stories high, surrounded by adobe houses, an adobe church, and on festival days only, I assume, dozens of artisan stands, and hundreds of tourists. A merry creek of clear water flowed just past a small hill. Two bridges crossed over it, and on the other side, more adobe houses and food shops.The most active characters of the festival were the Payasos: semi-naked men covered only by long loincloths and black & white body paint stripes all over their body, from their very hair to their feet. They walked all around the area, through the tourists, found children to grab, and dumped them in the creek. If the child was too small, they would just splash him. Their appearance was primitive and presential, and I believe their aim was to entertain and to frighten.

The end of the festival was marked by the Payasos climbing up the center pole. A couple of tricks like jumping and twirling around the pole on the rope preceded the actual climb. Two Payasos tried to climb, but they failed. One of them fell down halfway while climbing back down, but was probably not hurt at all. The third attempt I witnessed was met with the success at the top, and then he proceeded to tie the goods hanging at the top to a rope, and roping them down. There were 3 cloth bags, presumably with food, and a sheep with its throat cut open. We left just as we saw the sheep hanging down halfway to the floor.We stopped at a gas station to refuel, and I cleared up the windows of the dust, abundant at the Taos Pueblo, Mary's car had managed to gather.

We then met Carmella at a Casino, right at the crossing to Los Alamos, her hometown. Her parents invited us to dinner, and we had one delightful meal. Breaded fish with tartar sauce, spaghetti, broccoli, and grilled bread from a loaf I brought from the festival. It was all delicious, and they provided me with a separate room with an air mattress to spend the night at.

I forgot to mention, on the way here with Carmella, the scenery got more beautiful as we drove up higher and higher. Trees became denser, mountains more exotic-looking, volcanic, frosted with basalt crumbs and jagged holes along them. The rocks stopped being mountains and began being mesas, huge walls of rock and sand, with a sparse collection of trees growing around them, definite gaps between the mesas, like, as Carmella said, a line of great dominoes going off into the distance. We stopped at a lookout right beside the road, and the view, I have to say... it was breathtaking. A grand area of sand, a dusty road winding through it in a delicious hiking curve, spotted with only trees that can survive the arid region. All of that bordered by immense walls of jagged and smooth together, a seemingly intentional rocky work of art, seeming to go on endlessly. Breathtaking.And now I go out to see the stars, take my contacts out, and sleep.


Note: The stars were awesome. It was cloudy, but I still saw them for about 20 minutes before I went to sleep.

Current

Like a drop of water flowing down the river, a lone person yields to the massive currents around him and flows along with them. But then, would you rather see yourself as a helpless slave of the current, or as part of the force that creates the current at every moment?

Intention

Intention is the key. If you rely on luck to accomplish your tasks, they might be completed, but you will have learned nothing.

Quandaries of color

(Date is approximate)

Why do I keep returning
to the same question of whether
I'll actually ever
quit my Ph.D.
given I am free
and more, why do I not
just easily answer
when I know why not
when I know what I want
A Ph.D. is not for me
I stay because I fear
to steer away from safety
but I've exiled that to the past
I want my impulse to last
for that I need a greatly
different lifestyle.

I fear to fear
but I do.
It is my own weakness
not unlike a sickness
of keeping my worth
but I am worth nothing
if I am not me
and for me to be me
I need to be free
and I'll die just like thee
but then I'll be grateful
that there was a fateful
moment when I felt the spark
of desire in the dark
of the norm and the common
and I managed to summon
the sliver of courage
that I've never had
and I shall be glad
of My Life.
~Oct 2011

Different

Things that are today may not be tomorrow. Even if they remain the same. Squeeze the potential off from your Now.

Justificar

Para qué justificar? Para qué justificar, ever??? Nunca... nunca se justifican las decisiones - ellas se toman de la mejor manera a cada momento. Sólo hacemos lo mejor en cada momento. No nos restrinjamos tanto por el miedo - actuemos, expandamos nuestras posibilidades, nuestros espacios, nuestros límites, que solo el miedo impone.

We do, we are, but we do not understand what we do or what we are. We do it and are it because it is our nature. And we are made to flow best with our nature. Just do it. Just be it. Fear not. Shame not.

DO what you WANT to DO. MAKE what you WANT to MAKE. CREATE what YOU want to CREATE.

Media has told us for so long what we should want. So many of us do not know whether we want anything... because we are bombarded with so many wants... that any of the wants that subtly arise naturally in us are sucked into one of the massively accepted larger clusters of wants that the media has imposed upon us: sex, beer, chips, money, sport-watching (YUCK), cars, luxuries, vacations on a beach, partying with your friends, or just plain coolness. There is SO MUCH MORE than that. Seek out what YOU WANT. Because NO ONE can tell you what you want. And when people let this happen to them, they adopt artificial, transferred, false wants, and their own wants are lost in the multitude, and they become afraid to not want the same as everyone else, and their own volition becomes weak and unfocused. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN. Your own wants are so much more sublime, and real, and stronger, and you feel them MORE. SEIZE THEM! EXPERIENCE THEM!

I used to think that winning the lottery or making millions of dollars with stocks would ensure happiness for a while. No lottery or stocks have made me wealthy, but I've realized that this will not happen, simply because LIFE GOES ON. There is NO STOPPING this vital torrent of consciousness, action, momentum, emotions, perceptions, questioning, desires, possibilities, decisions, creation, decay, this mysterious dance of order and chaos. Which means no guarantees of any sort. You MAKE your Life with what you are given. And what you given is what you ARE. That's all you have. At EACH MOMENT. The rest is pure poppycock and false assumptions of forgotten legalese that people call property and are not even sure why, and just go with it because everyone else does it and it seems very convenient.

Don't build your property, build yourself. Don't trade your true wants for saving time or money. Saving time is a fucking lie. You don't save time by optimizing your hours and taking all the shortcuts to finishing your daily goals. You kill time by transforming a potentially enjoyable activity into a huddle of stress and competition, with either others or yourself. Take your time to enjoy each meal. To walk to class. Don't cut corners to save time - if you do, stroll through them, enjoying the fact that you can, and not because you need to or want to get a head start over anyone else. Don't compete, ENJOY. Life and happiness... they DON'T CARE who is first or who is last or who has the most fans. It cares about what YOU care about... because there is NOTHING ELSE that influences your capacity to be happy. So care about the important things.

Don't care about recognition, or glory, or money... unless you truly truly do. But you have to ask YOURSELF... to look INSIDE YOURSELF to know what it is! You can't go asking around other people for it!! You can't buy it!! You can't!!! Other people DO NOT KNOW WHAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY!! Fucking God Him/Her/Itself doesn't know what will make YOU fucking happy!! YOU are the filter from the outside world to YOUR OWN HAPPINESS... and only you can design your filter. Discard others' opinions... it will free you. Discard calumny, status, power, wealth, opinions. Begin to notice health, the wonder of your own body, colors, sounds, birds, the leaves of Fall blowing around you, the play of squirrels in a nearby churchyard, the delicate patterns between nothing and subtle found in everyday fluids, like smoke and water. Begin to notice the effect you have on OTHER people... your capacity to influence them with something as simple as a smile, an unexpected conversation, an offer to help - begin to notice how much that makes you happier as well. Begin to notice the beauty of the transient, the miracle of play. Play around! Run! Sing! Dance! Paint! Climb! Do WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT whether you are being watched or not, because this world can FUCKING USE SOME RATTLING UP AND CHANGE AND IN-YOUR-FACE-CREATIVITY... because the artificial stupor of modern lives has proven very hard to break. Break from it yourself... and then you can start to wake others up. I'm trying to. Help me out.

Care about what you care - don't let your cares be swayed by the masses - make up your own. Even if it looks like others' - that doesn't matter. But have them be YOURS. You will never be as happy doing something else besides what you really want to do. And finding what you really want is about the HARDEST thing I've encountered in Life, because it requires decision, clear-mindedness, and lack of fear, especially to cut through the years of layers of artificially imposed paradigms, courtesy of the fucking others. But we are faced with decisions at EVERY MOMENT in Life, so fear not. It's always like that. Just do what YOU think/feel/know is best. And if you don't know it yet, figure it out. STRIVE to figure out. It's not going to be just neatly hidden away in a corner of your mind - the process is thorough, integral, and it takes effort, time, and mistakes. It REQUIRES effort. Strive to figure out your true wants by EXPERIENCING, following your curiosity, expanding your possibilities, seeking new encounters, the strange, defusing your fear of the unknown by walking right into it. And you find that the fear is replaced by a learning experience, and curiosity and a wanting to know more about it swells up in you. Or maybe not. But that's why you have to keep looking. Don't be stupid and walk into a hungry lion's cage or something, just because you're afraid of it, of course. Face what you WANT to do, and haven't done because you fear it. It's also important to recognize what you fear. Fear comes in many kinds, it's not just the kind of "it will hurt me". There is also the "it will shame me" kind, and that one, I believe, is vastly more debilitating and more stupid than the former, because shame can only be brought by yourself. If you let it filter into you from others' opinions, you are being a slave to their opinions. Free yourself from mass slavery. Free YOURSELF. Only you can do that. No parents, no brother, no sister, no teacher, no priest, no God. Just YOU.

And speaking of the both famous and infamous God, don't worry about whether you believe in him or not. Are you afraid that if you don't believe in him, then punishment will fall upon you? Then you're thinking of the wrong God. And that's not really believing, that's fearing an unknown deity someone told you existed and coerced you to believe through fear of eternal punishment or whatever. But if you're fine with that, cool, go ahead, keep "believing"/fearing, because it is really none of my business. It is NO ONE ELSE THE FUCK'S business if you don't want it to be. I mean it, with complete honesty. Just realize that your beliefs are NO ONE ELSE THE FUCK'S business, and decide yourself if the belief is truly yours or not. Whatever comes out of your own honest answer IS the correct choice. And that goes from every single decision in Life. The process, then, doesn't consist in WHICH choice you make. It consists in learning HOW to decide. And in my experience, the way to decide is: firmly, regretlessly, consciously, constantly, and joyfully. That is the most recent and best concept of Life I've come up with. One is a conscious entity that perceives sensations, produces thoughts and emotions, and all we can output to the world are our decisions. Every word, influence, action, silence, indifference, or inaction that comes from ourselves is predicated upon our own decisions. So let's decide in the best way we can.

About the God thing, I don't mean to critique specific groups of people, but I am quite frankly sick with the rampant misuse and abuse of appealing to divine invisible entities without true belief, another one of the sinks of attention pressed upon us through the media, passed on immemorably throughout the ages through tradition, and of people thinking these deities will solve our problems for us just because someone else told us that they would if we asked hard enough, even though no one knows what "enough" means. I believe this tradition has truth in it, but most of it sadly forgotten. Just remember - beliefs are FELT, not transmitted.

So live joyfully. Take ownership of your Life and of yourself. Realize your true feelings and desires. Dispel your fears. Trust your own decisions. Everything else will come naturally. That is my belief.

Number connotations

35: Sharp corners

29: Height

28: Perfection

27: Evolution

26: Disinterest

25: Squarity

24: Smoothness

23: Quirkiness

22: Smooth flow

21: Singularity

20: Completeness

19: Outreach

18: A softening sharp

17: Confusion

16: Uniqueness

15: Artificiality

14: Longing

13: Primality

12: Cooperation

11: Flow

10: Achievement

9: Rigidity

8: Fatness, Rotundness

7: Expertise

6: Growth

5: Interactions

4: Coverage

3: Emergence

2: Duality

1: Reference

0: The Unconscious Origin

Tri Times

When I wear my Pittsburgh Triathlon 2010 shirt (fresh in the summer, cozy in the winter), people ask me what my time was. And I always forget. To ease access to my results, I'm posting them here.

Antonio Lopez Pittsburgh, PA Finish Time: 1:23:22 Overall Placement: 144 / 373 Division: M25-29 Bib Number: 396 Split Detail Split Distance Time Rank Pace/Rate Swim 600 Meters T1 0:13:22 192 Bike 20K 0:45:11 259 T2 0:00:53 48 Run 5K 0:23:55 61

There we go. And official link..... Here.

Feeling the Pitch

Do: Settlement, stable, all's all right, that's that, royal-like.

Re: A little more, a little happier, like it's the beginning of something, like a story, something is going to happen. Sprouting urge, want.

Mi: Something's happening, half action, half suspense, can express a questioning attitude.

Fa: Something's still happening, but not as intensely, some progression has been made, but the state is not stable, partly stable, like in a dynamic equilibrium, like understanding, trying to understand or accept, seeing a moving world and trying to comprehend it, or to integrate into it. Sounds like a poetic internal want.

Sol: Like an aha! moment, and eager to try it! Finds a solution, about to implement it, just running out to do it. Energy, spark. Doing it. Action.

La: Some level of fulfillment, satisfaction. Peace, calm. A little of achievement. Happiness. Almost touching bliss.

Si: Conclusion. A little tension, perhaps of having to end something, maybe nostalgia/sadness of it having ended. Impending change, or end.

Written about 3 weeks ago.

Update in May 11th, 2017, previously untranscribed:

DoRe: Almost complete, not quite. Happy/sad: Neutral. Tension/stable: 3/10 Tense. Emotional: Tiny bit. Energetic: No. Anxious: No. Anticipation: 4/10. Scary: No. Comments: Just as is, slightly tense neutrality.

DoMi: A connection between two different entities results in fair cooperation. Nothing spectacular, but smooth and happy. Rojo y verde.

DoFa: Rojo y morado. Connection also, functional, but maybe worn. Not as happy, but a little longing or nostalgic. An old friendship, maybe.

DoSol: Lighten up. Like the day is rising, positive new outlook, but a little distant. Not energetic, but hopeful. Look ss very yellow.

DoLa: Tension. Soft tension, as if a minor problem has occurred, and one says: "Oh dear! We should do something about it", friendly and politely. No real problem, just an inconvenience.

DoSi: Ugly tension. As if each of them is fine and pure, but they are orthogonal, or opposing, that simply don't mix well. Maybe they simply don't talk about the same thing. Just pure clash & incompatibility.

ReMi: Tension that anticipates something, not tension alone. There is something coming after the tension, could be happy or could not be.

ReFa: Tension of something that is happening, or has just happened. There could be action, but not too energetic.

ReSol: There is tension, but some kind of agreement or truce has been produced. More relieved than happy, resting?

ReLa: Through the tension, one kind of realization has been reached. The focus is more on the realization than in the tension, and on what it means. No decisive win or lose, just... realization.

ReSi: Two tensions seem to blend together into a softer sound. Hard to discern a meaning. The closest I come up with is the end of a children's story, or a normal story, or maybe the intermission. Not peace... just like, two tensions that get along OK.

MiFa: Ugly, screechy tension, like an out-of-tune cat. I guess it could also be used to start a mystery-kind scary story.

MiSol: Like a tense, uncomfortable plateau of stability.

MiLa: Like achieving a goal, but not a very good one. Maybe a superficial or frivolous goal, not inspiring.

MiSi: Like evolution of conclusion, of a superficial character or story. Slightly inspiring, not too much.

Sexistential

I'm looking for a word that describes a property P that possesses this attribute:

If object X is a set is composed of other objects, then:

1) P(X) => [P(y) for all y belonging to X]

or viceversa:

2) [P(y) for all y belonging to X] => P(X)

This attribute could also be:

3) P(X) => [P(y) for some y belonging to X]

or viceversa:

4) [P(y) for some y belonging to X] => P(X)

I'm sure this has been treated extensively in Formal Languages, epistemological treatises, philosophical treatises, or such. But in my ignorance I allow myself to define them. Let's see. Let's call them....

1) Integral
2) Essential
3) Existential
4) Diffusionary

Of course, these words already exist (except for, questionably, "Diffusionary"), and they would be easily confused if mixed in with some other kind of text, even if the reader knew these newly-born definitions. To attempt a unique linguistic distinction, I'll rename them to:

1) Xintegral
2) Xessential
3) Xexistential
4) Diffusionary

because Google seems to think that "diffusionary" is inexistent, or at least impopular. The pronunciation of these, I'll leave to the reader (since English is so phonetically ambiguous anyway), but I suggest a slightly accentuated "S" for the initial X's, maybe like the "X" in "Xerces" as is pronounced in the acclaimed "300" movie. Note also the meaningless innuendo created in the 3rd word.

So I postulate that, in the realm of the physical (in a simplified fashion):

1. "Small" is xintegral.
2. "Big" is xessential.
3. "Hot" is xexistential.
4. "Impure" is diffusionary.

The objective of these definitions comes from a want to ponder about questions such as:

Is Beauty xintegral/xessential/xexistential/diffusionary? Evil? True? Good? Blue? Sharp? Significant?

And since I'm on the topic, I might as well define "sexistential".

Sexistential (adj): Property of something that relates to sexual activities, or to the lack thereof, to a degree such that it motivates existentialist thoughts and feelings.