Cold Analysis

I wrote this on Thursday June 23rd, 3 days after coming back to Guatemala from Costa Rica, as I waited for the swimming pool in Swim Center to clear.

I wonder if there's a treatise on how to choose love. Do you choose it? Or does it choose you? I've been chosen at least once. At least twice. Now what? Do you choose by seniority? Or by compatibility? Or by your feelings? Or by convenience? Or by momentum? Laura gets three out of five.

But are feelings only a volatile subjective measure, subject to the context and the place and the time. Or is that immediacy which makes them most important? "Feelings are the reason and purpose of everything we do". But is that justification enough to be impulsive?

I don't seek justification. I seek a choice. Coldly, I know what to do. Deviously, selfishly, I know how to optimize my own benefits. But not in a truthful fashion, and I am not willing to compromise truth. Truthful and cold, I know what to do. I would seal a deal with Carmella, inform Laura, and spend the next year getting my master's at CMU, single but soon-to-join-Carmella, then find a way to live nearby or together. How that would disappoint Laura, how it would hurt her. Would it hurt her more than if I pretended to love her for a year, then said ta-ta? The former wouldn't make her lose a year "searching", in her eyes, but it would hurt tremendously at the breaking point, I imagine. I've seen it happen with Marcelo & Andrea, clear as day, she hurts so much even when told. It would hurt in either case.

However, I'm not cold...

I have no obligation to love Laura. I don't, I just realized it. She doesn't have any obligation towards me. If I came to realize the switch my mind is now thinking about, I feel my obligation would be to make it painless, gentle, and truthful.

Do I really want to switch? Should I switch? I just recently has this burst of ideas and feelings because Carmella just told me her door was open for me. Will they last? Do I prefer her, seniority and convenience aside? I think so. I feel so. Will her feelings for me last?

The impulsive decision is to tell Laura & break-up with her, adn take a bus or a ride or a plane or a boat down to Granada, love Carmella, and then figure it out. Fairly reckless, I wouldn't even let Laura have a say in it.

My best candidate so far: a truthful compromise. Tell both Laura and Carmella I want to further exlpore my feelings with Laura, to find compatibility, spiritually, reproductive-wise, lifewise. I know I've invested time and effort, emotions into Laura &I. But that should not impede change.

I did love Laura very, very strongly. I thought, as hse probably still does, that we're meant for each other.

What made me think this? Has fresh love blinded me to Laura's attributes?

With Laura, there is complete trust. We're supposed to be able to tell each other absolutely anything. I try to, she tries to, but I do have to be gentle when I dispute her religious claims.

Do I/Would I have this with Carmella? Would I trust her fully and she me? She is really open-minded, she likes to question and be questioned. She doesn't shy away from dares, just from people sometimes.

Laura is beautiful, sweet, kind, good-willing. So is Carmella.

Carmella and I seem to understand each other more on the spiritual/life level. She flows, I flow. We are flowers.

Laura has the stain in my mind of being an indirect precursor, cause, to my accident. Carmella took me like that already, fresh, unmarked.

But is it good to always switch to new things to avoid the past? This justification could be used often, to always find someone newer. Though the accident is a pretty big stain.

& the wise decision: test it out. spend at least a semester with Laura in PGH, see how it goes, see if I do end up wanting a family. Re-evaluate my choice then. Inform Laura I'm continuing with her, tell Carmella the same. Hope for the best. Aim for the best. Flow.