Piss me off

There are two things that piss me off about this whole deal:

- Given what happened, you are really lucky to be alive.

LUCKY??? Fuck YOU. I'm lucky to have my legs broken? To be a crippled person, who can't even shit without needing help? To hurt all over my body while my body heals? And I'm lucky... because I'm alive?? Consider the alternative, if I had died. What would have happened? I would've died, and I would have never woken up on that street, or anywhere else. I would've disappeared, vanished, not felt any pain, any broken bones, and my last thoughts would've been about riding to Indianapolis, my last image that of a beautiful sunrise, no regrets and no unhappiness. No pain, no woes, no hospital bills, no surgeries, no pills to take, no FUCKING parents to stay with forcedly for months. Yeah, lucky, thanks a lot.

You know what would've been lucky? If the car had JUST missed me, maybe. If half a centimeter away from my handlebar, the air current pushed me off the road onto the grass and made me fall, and I had scraped my knee. Yeah, that would've been lucky. Real lucky. Right after falling, I'd be thinking "WOW, lucky me! ALMOST got shattered by a car, but not quite! Must be my lucky day!" Not a good event, but I would've continued my travels. Broken bones? Metallic hardware inserted for life? Probable arthritis on my right ankle forever? Not too lucky, I think.

Everyone fucking assumes I want to stay alive. Fuck. If I had just been given the chance to choose. "Hello Mr. Juarez. You broke 7 bones, and we can fix them, but it will hurt like hell and you will take at least a year to recover fully, after we bill you 6 digits only to be able to approximate your previous healthy condition. You'll be pretty screwed up for life. Instead, we can also provide you with a complimentary mercy kill. Which one do you prefer?" Which one would YOU take, huh? People assume they want to stay alive for something. What the FUCK for? I don't see much to look forward to. I wouldn't mind either way, but given my situation, I would've gone for death.

You know what I think, doctors? DO NOT fucking say "you're very lucky to be alive" UNLESS you've been through that. If you haven't yet woken up to half your body being broken and to months of recovery from a crippled existence, you don't have the right to say that. I'd respect it from someone who's been through it, yeah. But not from you, who only assume that life is better than death under all circumstances.

- I hope you get better soon!

Soon? And do you really hope so? Please. Does it really make a difference to you? I die... what difference will that make in your life, huh? Will your life fall to pieces? How important am I to you, really? Hell, I'm not blaming you. I'm not saying you're an asshole for saying that - I'd say that too if I were in your place. But the fucking cliche is almost as annoying as my mother's obsessive need for control, and it really doesn't help much in my actual recovery.

During the first days after my accident, when I was in my hospital room getting a few visitors, I felt cheerful. Sincerely so. I thought "oh well, an accident, what am I going to do? Make the best of it, right? I have no legs, but maybe I'll get a computer, and learn a language, write, get an online job... I don't know, something." But as time's gone by - 6 weeks since the accident now, I don't feel like it. A language, maybe - but here in my house environment - uggggh. I'm trapped in the fucking environment I wanted to get away from for so long. And then I was away from it - free, happy, fully unaffected by it, and WHAM! I get sucked back in here with my parents.

So now I'm recovering at their place - slowly... my body feels a little less pain, a little more strength, more flexibility with time. Not every day is better than the last, but I can see a difference every week. And you know what I have to look forward to? There is only one thing I look forward to doing in life after I recover. Sex. I really want to get some sex again. In view of the whole world and of all the possibilities, having sex at the top of the list must mean something. I think it means I just didn't get enough of it before. That's the one regret I would've had if I had died. No others. And I really can't wait to be able to use all my four extremities and my hips fully again so I can fuck girls in more positions I've ever had before. That's my fucking goal in life. So, I'm lucky to be alive?