Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Fucking parents

FUCK my dumb parents.

What kind of parents pretend to their children that the world is asexual, huh? That men and women never touch? Not only that sex is to be waited for until marriage, like many parents, or even that it is bad, like highly religious parents... but that is SIMPLY DOES NOT EXIST???

I fucking blame them for my being so fucking sexually retarded. Growing up, I NEVER saw them together in physical contact. Ever. Ok, once, and it was so weird that the image is clear in my mind of where exactly it happened. They kissed, right behind our car, as we were all getting out from having gone run some errands. Our P133071 car. They kissed. They barely touched their lips, closing their eyes, but nothing else. Nothing else, absolutely nothing. Why did they sleep together in a bed? Didn't know, didn't care. It had just always been like that. It was so weird... there was just never anything that they fucking hid. It was as if they had sex once a year, maybe? Less? I never fucking heard them do anything. Or saw them. Nothing. Not a single thing. Never did they ask me about girls, tell me about girls, or answered my questions on the subject. Never fucking ever. What HELL kind of way is to raise your child?? I didn't know men and women FUCKED until I was like 16!

And when I grew up, I was just so freaking TERRIFIED of the concept of men and women even TOUCHING at all, not to mention FUCKING, that I NEVER DID IT!! I was taught and shown to treat women like they are... made out of fucking glass, for fuck's sake. Fragile and delicate, the woman only allowed men to touch her if they had achieved her utmost favor. And even then, one could almost only hope to dream of achieving that mysterious act, the ultimate conquest, the precious intimate contact, the only admissible sexual act in Disney movies: the Kiss.

Fucking parents, fucking have the decency to raise your kids to at least know what the hell goes on with THE STRONGEST ANIMAL URGE INSIDE A HUMAN BEING. Maybe THEN they can lead a teenage life with SOME self-esteem inside them, and maybe even kiss a girl before he is FUCKING 23 YEARS OLD. Maybe even... come up with the courage to do it HIMSELF.

To my fucking parents: DO NOT REPRODUCE AGAIN. OR RAISE A CHILD AGAIN. It is FUCKING BORING to be your kid. You do have great qualities, I learned a lot from you both. But DO NOT RAISE ANOTHER KID - YOU HAVE PROVEN WORTHLESS PROVIDERS OF SEXUAL EDUCATION. HAVE THE FUCKING GUTS TO TELL YOUR KID THAT MEN AND WOMEN GET NAKED TOGETHER AND MEN GET ERECTIONS ON THEIR PENISES AND INSERT THEM INTO A WOMAN'S VAGINA, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND THAT THEY BOTH YELL AND MOAN IN PLEASURE AND EXTASY AND ORGASMS, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND THAT THE LONGER THE BETTER, AND THAT BOTH OF THEM ACTUALLY LIKE TO DO THAT!! THAT THAT IS NOT SOMETHING BAD FOR THE WOMAN, SOMETHING THAT SHE DOES NOT LIKE - BUT THAT IT IS A FUCKING AWESOME ACT!!! I HAD TO FUCKING DISCOVER THAT BY MYSELF UNTIL I WAS IN MY FUCKING 20s!

But one can't raise oneself.

Leave of Absence

As I imagined it, it now is.

I have now notified both the MLD Ph.D. advisor and my own advisor that I will be taking a leave of absence. All that's left to do is the paperwork, and it will be formal and final. One year leave of absence, to do as I please. To do as I want. As I need. As I desire. As I sophie. As I decide. It is quite a step to take, I think.

The same day, J notifies me she has found someone she likes very much. Sex, of course, is not that hard for her to achieve, so she has. Mentally, in my conceptual model, I am happy for her. Inside, I ache with jealousy and with envy.

Not too much, though. But it's there. Or is it there only because I think it should be there? I've still got obsolete paradigms in my mind, of that I'm sure. But damn the heavens! I'm barely getting any sexual action! It'd be quite a bit more fun if she had found someone to fuck around with and I had too, but nooo... I'm fucking stuck with longing, porn, and my now-quite-talented pleasure-inducing hand.

That's the envy part. The fucking image in my mind that I don't get any girls. And it is FUCKING true - one year in a college town, having tried several times, and barely anything. I won't say I've gotten nothing... and I'm grateful for what I have gotten. A few kisses and some fingering, but nothing that lasts more than a couple of hours. While other people get nights and full-on sessions, regular, full-on fuck buddies! FUCK, I'm 26, I need sex, goddamnit!

Sex implies at least some attraction... some loving, you know... and it's hard to keep a worthy self-esteem if every girl you pursue doesn't like you back, even when you really really thought that she would because you had spent hours and hours having such meaningful talks................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... sadness. Dejection. Fate had better have a good motive for this, or I'm gonna kill her. Fate, not J, of course.

Then the jealousy, that's just instinctive, I think. I want to be with her, yes, I miss her, sexually, physically, emotionally. I hear that someone else is giving her what she likes to get from me, and I am jealous. That she might like it better. That she might replace me for him. That I can become a pity project that only has sex with me, not because she wants to, but because "poor little shy Antonio can't get any, I might as well let him have some". Thinking of being someone's pity project like that is sickening. Well, it'd be better than having none of course, but it would only intensify the constant feeling that one is always a beggar with women, asking for a bit of compassion and sex, just a little, instead of actually coming up to them to provide something that they will actually enjoy. Always the beggar, the demander, the "poor little dog, let me give you some leftover crumbs", never the supplier. It's depressing to know that that's your role.

Tears might just come flowing out my eyes anytime now, with the self-pity and the memory of previous love disappointments inside me now. I guess I'll just harden my face, feel my throat tighten, swallow my tears, and go on with my life, as I have always done. Either that or I'll go cry with the russian couchsurfers in the other room, and be a pity object for yet more girls. Am I not the object of all my girl-friend's pity...........................

Such a mixture of emotions. If I could only bottle them up and sell them - I think they'd be interesting for other people to try. Relief from having told people about my leave of absence, impatient because I'm still working on the GeoGame for one more month. Happiness for Jerol for her being happy (really, there is happiness), envy of the ease she finds sexual partner and sexual relief (and envy of everyone else who does, really), jealousy of her newly-found Robert, who though I'm pretty sure is a great guy for J to like... instinctively I'm afraid he might replace my role as J's fuck buddy. I fucking love that role, man. It's the ONLY fucking sexual role I've ever had.

August 30th was not very uninteresting, I would say. I wonder what will Marcos' actual birthday be like.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Expected

How sad if one does only what one is expected to.

Ridiculous

As part of one of the infinite possibilities of existence, it is usual to think that the rest of them are ridiculously impossible. Flying cars? Space elevators? Dragons? People flying on wings? Traveling to the moon? Water-powered cars? Talking dogs? Aliens? Wizards? Miniaturization devices? Ridiculous.

Decisions

Decisions

For the past two years, the end of August has marked noteworthy events in my life. Why do I mark exactly August 31st as an important date I am not entirely sure about, but according to my blog archives, they have been days of intense excitement for me for the past two years. As someone who has taken courses on prediction and statistics, I am tempted to predict something similar this year. Considering that today the sun is dawning on August the 30th, my near future has become of fairly strong importance for me.


August 31st does mark a threshold in the USA academic year. In that sense, it is somehow explainable that this day has been now important two years in a row, especially the noteworthy events that happened in those days were related to the academic year. In 2008, I was invited to participate in one of the most prestigious Computer Science programs available in the USA, to Carnegie Mellon University, a place I had only yearned and dreamed of attending in the past. I was not being admitted, of course, but the encouragement given to me that day made my whole being, inside and outside, jump with joy. And 364 days ago, in 2009, I must've been thoroughly excited to write what I wrote. I don't recall every exact detail from that day, but a mixture of realizing the program I was enrolled in, spending time with a girl I then considered virtually ideal for me, and swimming in a great swimming pool surely pumped up my endorphin levels quite up high.

And now, at the end of August 2010, I sense a looming change. Not only do I sense it - I am drawn towards it, fascinated by its possibilities, decidedly enticed by the power and the risks of different experiences, and ever so close to breaking free. As if my spirit were being drawn by the river current of change, and were calling me to join it, but my reality still clung on to a branch on the shore, stable but yearning, aching to follow my spirit, but still afraid that the strong downstream current would bruise and hurt my reality and possibly drown me - consequences that I know my spirit simply does not suffer. But still I want to let go, to follow my spirit, to experience a more wholesome Life.

I know, I feel, perfectly well, that the world is so much more than the branch. And if the river is given to us only once, why not follow it, experience it, live it? Why stick to the branch where I will always know what my state will be? What sense is there in that? Do I still feel I have important things to do with this branch? A role to fulfill? More experiences to learn? But right now, I neither see nor feel no true reason to stay where I am at. I do not want to commute a few blocks every day when I could be traveling across the world. I do not want to program in GWT and wait for my program to compile, when I could be learning languages of the world. I do not want to take courses in specific scientifically advanced topics of which I have lost illusion, when I could instead be experiencing people, the world, and learning skills of all kinds, like arts, crafts, building, cooking, humor, social, und so weiter.

So the fork in the road is set upon me now, as a few times before already, and choices, possibilities, and illusions are mixing and mingling inside me, brewing up my actions that will become my decision. An infinity of possibilities, and one to choose. The entire spectrum of possible actions I can possibly conceive of, from working on the GeoGame to sending an email of termination to Katia to amputating my left pinky toe to burning down my house to licking my wall to becoming a transvestite to knocking on my neighbor's door to stopping writing this blog entry to committing suicide on the train tracks to baking a cake to kissing Ina to masturbating with my abacus in one hand and a banana peel in the other to sticking all the stickies in my office to my head and tongue to giving my iPhone to Martin to joining TK's church group to ripping my mattress in two to giving a mongoose to Diane to biking to the top of Mt. Washington and back again without using any brakes to joining the army to singing quietly to singing to the top of my lungs to screaming to seducing the russian girls in the other room to calling and shouting at my parents to climbing the flagpole in campus to cutting down a tree in Schenley Park to climbing on the silver bean-like sculpture in Chicago's Millennium Park to drinking my own urine to bathing myself with milk to learning karate to cutting my own throat to breaking into The Space Upstairs and dance to using my drumsticks on the leftover trash pile in the backyard to grabbing the electrical wires beside my house to jumping up and down on the solar panels on top of the CMU building near Craig St to fucking the dinosaur sculpture in front of the Carnegie Museum of Science to driving to Miami and swimming to Cuba to walking to NYC, drinking from the river, and arriving on time for the Electric Zoo festival to walking to Guatemala and putting my hand into the Pacaya's lava to hunting a shark in Belize with my bare teeth to killing a bear by biting his throat out to walking to Argentina to having my body's particles dissociate into water and vitamin pills to joining an intensive dance program to going to Austin to yoga classes to visiting Emily's parents in Arizona to joining Richard on his program to posting this blog entry on my facebook wall to writing a list of possibilities of any size in this blog to building a makeshift rocket to finding a giant fish in the sewer to fucking his brains out to turning into a jet to bombing the russians to crashing into the sun to going back to sleep to continuing writing this blog entry on my comfortable mattress. All of these in countless ways, and countless more, simplified at this point of time in my mind to one main deciding question:

Should I quit my graduate program?

My being decides, almost unanimously: YES! It yearns for freedom, it needs possibilities, it is starved for choices and richness and diversity of experiences. Extending my program to achieve my Master's degree seems so much less important under the light of the possibilities in Life. They are thresholds that have been shown to be confounders to decision-making. Thresholds, step-functions, L1 and not L2 regularizers, force decisions to be taken at non-optimal times. They are decisions themselves, in any case - discrete consequences of continuous causes. I have known decisions my whole life, but I have not been very good at making them. But now, much more than ever, I decide to decide what fear has not allowed me until now. To do what I want to do. Period(period.)

So now I think about what will I do in the near future. Today it starts. I have talked to Diane, and she has given me her opinion on the subject. That I should not tell my advisor until I find another one. As it turns out, however, I do not want to work with another advisor. I should now talk to Geoff, who as I know it, is the departmental advisor for graduate students. I wonder what does he have to say to a student who wants to take a leave of absence. I have to talk to Katia, too, after my talk with Geoff. This is my plan of action:

Talk to Geoff. I plan to visit his office in a few hours, and ask him how do leaves of absence work. I will tell him my intention is to take one soon. It seems reasonable to begin it at a month's threshold, and that while that might mean I would stay one more month until the end of September to transition my advisor's projects out smoothly, it might also mean I could end it now on August 31st. A decision of money vs. time. How unusual.

He may react nicely and accepting, and tell me that it is OK for a graduate student to take a leave of absence. In that case, my next step is then to talk to Katia and ask her what her preference on my leave's starting date is. Would she rather keep me for one more month, or would she rather get rid of me sooner? That is up to her.

What to do about my rent? Probably stay one more month, I think. One more month in Pittsburgh should be enough to tie up any loose strings I might still have around here. Yi asked for one month's notice, so that is what I will give him. Not having a lease obligation is quite convenient in my current situation.

So what after that? I finish my obligations in Pittsburgh, I have some savings left over... and then what? Whatever? I remember a time when I was in this same situation... three years ago. Yearning for experiences and personal freedom, I wanted to ride my brother's bike with a backpack with my stuff in it from Guatemala down to Costa Rica to visit Khris Aguero, a high school guy who also likes mathematics. But I didn't. I let my sister know too early, I think - she told my aunt, and she and my uncle came to our house the night before I planned to leave, and begged me not to go, guilt-tripping me not to hurt her. "You will kill me. If you go, you will kill me". This was of course not literally true, but I knew that her will towards me is good, so I receded from the trip I so wanted, and tolerated Guatemala for a few more months. And then my trip to Singapore was interrupted by a job offer in Austin, where, I do have to say, I had some very nice experiences. Costa Rica and Singapore - those decisions would've been the closest I would have ever been to breaking free.

But I have never broken completely free. Not once. My trip to Europe might have seemed like such an occasion, but I always knew what I was going back to and when after my trip ended. Don't get me wrong - I was living my dream during my trip. I did exactly what I wanted, I followed my instinct like I wanted to, but my decisions have always been conditional upon an overarching predictable life path that I have not yet been able to escape from. I always knew there was a safe haven at the end of the short tunnel of risk I took.

So what to do after I quit my graduate program? I don't know. But that's the whole point, isn't it? Breaking completely free implies losing obligations, sure things, predictability. Losing everything that has been built upon the core, the layers of urgencies, priorities, pretenses, and appearances covering the bare essentials of an individual. Only after a complete clean-up process can I then again see, and hopefully understand, what am I really made out of, and what I am, what I TRULY am, capable of. That is my idea.

Possibilities I consider? Dance - Song - Travel - Hunger - Construction - Skills - Food service jobs - Music - Walk - Europe - Biking - Drugs - Photography - Writing - Asia - Africa - Antarctica - Oceania - Love - Laughs - Happiness - Broadness - Infinity - and more.

I have learned that people are powerful beings who don't always realize the potential good they can be to their neighbors. "Al prójimo". I trust that people can be good to others, that they like to do so, that they want to, and they more often would, were it not for the unfortunate fear present in most of them. And I believe that using one's life in its entirety to find this good in others and in oneself is so very much worth the loss of a stable life to do it.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Pregaming with Donja

I amnsobdrunknrigtnnow thay ai don'y rwally care whay i'm typing. i judt krrp on yypingvanf itm going to be all right. my srnses make me feel like i'm gping away from my iphone but it's all the sane.
however, indo want to describe what happened tonight, sp 8'm going to. 

i got drunk at the "pregaming" that donja taljrd abput. wr went to kim's house, and we drank parrot's bay, qnd somr vodka, and some schnapp's. i mixed it all up with some cherry drink, but it was all fun. all good. i had conversations with kim, with cora, and with sonja, all of them fairly significant, qnd infelt wuitr extrobertee. anyesyz, now i'm at corams place prettg drhnm, trying to tupe shit into my iphone but i'm very drunk soni'm not correcting mt mitakes... ut's funny.

anywau, now in' at cora's stayibf at her couch.
cool girls, all of yhem, buf everyone got tireex. so i'm aboitvto go to sleep. good night!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Sensual Letter

My Dearest Cougar:

It has been a long while since I've seen you in person, and it feels much longer still. As I lay on my bed tonight, restless, counting the days left to see you, thinking only of you, I recall and wonder about how things became the way they are now.

You are so very special to me, my dear Jerol. You are my best friend and my lover, my secret-keeper, my love.

Being with you is a pleasure in so many ways. Your voice soothes and relaxes, your beautiful green eyes melt. And when you smile with real love or happiness I just want to jump with joy. On you, preferably. :)

Your skin is cool and smooth, and your delicate touch is an art you have mastered, and that I now feel lucky to enjoy. I love your sly body signals I still can't always read right - your eyes that say "stop talking, come closer", and your hand rub that says "touch me". I love to lose myself in your lips, to gently caress them with my own, to nip at them softly while holding your head like the most beautiful one in the world.

I love to explore your sensitive neck, to sample it with kisses mixed in with gentle sucks, feeling you stretch it to give me more space to play with it. I love to cover my face in your hair, and to smell up close the fascinating aromas that all men around you are so enticed with. I love to rub and to scratch your head, while seeing you relax your whole body, fall in deeper into your pillow, and turn to the other side, asking me for more.

I love to feel your skin press and rub to mine - the caress of our fingers when we hold hands, the feel of our chests when our bodies embrace - the rub of our necks, the slide of our legs. I love to see your eyes close in delight when I touch you right, and to hear your gentle sighs and moans that inflame me and drive me crazier for you.

*NEVER FINISHED* :(
(Written on the 26th of May or so)

Just don't get it

Why do people keep reproducing? And intentionally!!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Dejadez

Todos, Alquien, Nadie y Cualquiera

by Patricia Claudia Velásquez Garnica on Tuesday, August 24, 2010 at 3:57pm

Ocurre que había que hacer un trabajo importante, y Todos sabía que Alguien lo haría.

Cualquiera podría haberlo hecho, pero Nadie lo hizo.

Alguien se enojó cuando se enteró, porque le hubiera correspondido a Todos.

El resultado fue que Todos creía que lo haría Cualquiera, y Nadie se dio cuenta de que Alguien no lo haría.

¿Cómo termina la historia? Alguien reprochó a Todos porque en realidad Nadie hizo lo que hubiera podido hacer Cualquiera.

Si Todos fueran Alguien, Nadie sería Cualquiera.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Monday, August 23, 2010

Stuck

I got unstuck from Guatemala years ago, but now I seem stuck again. Unstick! Liberate! Detach! Break free!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Pissed

"Antonio. Why are you pissed?"
"What?", I feigned to respond in reflex to a question I did not understand.
"You look pissed. Why are you pissed?"
"I'm not pissed, I'm just tired."

I knew I was not in a cheery mood, but I didn't mean to make anyone think I was in a bad one.
But that got me thinking about whether I was indeed pissed. Just a little introspection, and yup, there it was... piss. More precisely, anger. Fairly well repressed, I'd say, but still fresh, ardent, vivid. Why the piss?

1) Working on research I don't want to work on.
2) Having to clean the house with Min and Yi when in fact I should be working on my research, which I don't want to work on in the first place.
3) Having a buggy project for research when an experiment with 50 people playing simultaneously is supposed to occur on wednesday.
4) Continuing in my Ph.D. program when my insides just tell me to quit it, to do something else, to use my youth to the fullest, for better, richer things - for things that will make me happy.
5) Seeing Laura around me, seeming to feign even excessive happiness and concern, while my pride is chipped, maybe slightly broken, from not being reciprocally liked by her.
6) In general, from not doing what I want to do.

And what do I want to do?
Travel. Meet new people. Learn new skills. Explore my possibilities. Absorb the richness of the world. Be happy. Make other people happy. Do significant actions and projects. Be... as much as possible! To be MORE!

But many days I am virtually the same person as the previous day - an educated zombie at the computer checking off tasks that he doesn't really want to do, but still does by habit, by fear, because of the convenient comfort of his stable, "good" life.

And I'm pissed because I don't change my situation. I could, but I don't. And that infuriates me, against myself, against my laziness and my lack of courage. Against my freaking conformity that I vouch so much against. It pisses me off.

That, and because you said you were at the bus stop and you weren't, and I ended up coming here on the bus alone, Ashik motherfucker.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

House cleanup

Friday, August 20th, Min, Yi, and I cleaned up the house. We took all the stuff from the basement out onto the backyard, vacuumed up the cobwebs and spiders everywhere with Julian's vacuum cleaner, swept out a large part of the dirt on the floor, separated the stuff we took out into "trash", "big trash", and "usable stuff", mopped up the kitchen, cleaned up the kitchen shelves, cleaned out the fridge, cleaned the sink, cleaned the kitchen cabinet, its drawers, and cleaned up a lot of old plates, cutlery, and kitchen instruments. It was satisfying :).

I don't have many before pictures, but I'll take some of the stuff we took out of the basement, and of how it looks now. And the kitchen too. It's looking way better!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Competition

When I was younger, I often thought that one of the main purposes in Life, if not the mainest one, was to compete. To have better grades than my classmates, to be thought of as a better child than one's siblings, to reach the same achievements at a younger age than everyone else. To run faster, to lift heavier things, to do things quicker and better, to be more virtuous, funnier, to know more jokes, to speak and understand more languages, to speak and understand them better, to know more things, to be liked more by others, to have read more books than others, to be able to sing better, louder, jump higher, know more tricks, have better aim, get more attention, be smarter, eat faster, walk faster... to BE better in all aspects than everyone else.

But soon it became apparent that I would not be able to be the BEST at EVERYTHING. I saw friends around me receiving one-to-one piano lessons, and being able to play very nice pieces of music that I had never even heard of before. Or they began talking about having read classic books, or about smart-sounding concepts, also unknown to me, or showed me that they knew other languages besides spanish and english. But instead of enjoying the music, or trying to absorb the concepts, understand the new language, or feeling happy for my friends skills, my initial reaction was that of envy. I listened to the music piece, and I thought "he can get more attention for his piece, I don't know how to play that piece! He is now able to grab attention that I cannot grab by the same means! How terrible! What to do?" And my stomach turmoiled, and my throat clenched up as my pride broke, holding back involuntary but powerful tears of rage, of envy, of embarrassment, at failing to be the best at that particular task, even if I had never had the chance to learn this skill in the past. Even if no one else cared.

I've noticed similar reactions in other children I know, now that I have grown up. I don't know if their reactions are as strong as the ones I had, but I have recognized their behavioral pattern to be very similar to mine. Each one always aiming for over-achievement in all aspects, loves to learn new things, curious, smart, always an attention-lover. Ashamed and enraged, broken pride, holding back tears when he fails to be better than everyone else. This observation has at least empirically proven to me that I am not a terrible person for acting in such a way, and that this behavior and pattern of feelings is more probably due to a certain combination of natural skills, manner of upbringing, and chance, more than to ill will.

In any case, as I have grown up, I think I have shed most of this behavior away from me. The change was gradual - at first I justified my "failures" by pettily telling myself how I had never cared to be better at that skill in the first place, or how lame of a skill it was to have anyway. Then I grew what I think to be a more mature understanding of how the world actually works, and how competition is not the main goal in Life. I can now appreciate things that are unknown and/or wondrous to me, such as a music composition or a dance act, honestly accept that I do not possess the skills to create such things, and still enjoy them thoroughly, embrace them with passion and good will. I always keep the curiosity of the new, a desire to learn the skills that I lack, but I believe it has become a healthy and benign desire, instead of the all-consuming rage and tears I once experienced. I say I have shed "most" of this behavior - "Most" is right, because even last year my words stopped when I realized I knew less languages than several friends I hung out with, and not a week ago, losing 3 consecutive uphill bicycle races to an experienced biking friend spun my mind reeling with thoughts about how there must be something wrong with my bike, how maybe my bike's gears or wheels were smaller than his, or how maybe my tires were not as well-inflated as his.

I'd like to become more open to other people's skills, perspectives, triumphs. I now mentally understand and acknowledge that different people have different skill sets and knowledge, and how it is almost impossible to find a pair of people A and B for which A is "better" than B at ALL skills, virtues, talents, and features. Even when "better" is clearly defined (and often it is not), two people cannot be directly compared, one said to be clearly "better" than another. We are not points in a line, either to the left or to the right of each other. We are people, rich beings, ultra-multi-dimensional, full of diverse experiences, and each of us contributes to the richness of the world with our own unique perspectives. One person could never fully imagine the life of another - no person is fully replaceable - how can then a person be labeled "better" than any other? In specific contexts, maybe... arguably, but not absolutely. Not absolutely.

Emotionally however, I keep a competitive spirit. I think this is a good thing to have, as long as its reaction to failure is properly bridled and diverted into a desire to be better and learn new things, instead of allowed to become raw envy and disappointment.

Neugierigkit ist gut, glaube ich. Aber überschreiten die Überschüssige nicht.

Or as a friend of mine posted on facebook a couple of days ago:

El Orgullo es simplemente y totalmente Pobreza cerebral :P!

Remix

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=riuF_Ur3unc&NR=1&feature=fvwp

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Coincidental

Ok so...

A guy who was living here in the house called David accidentally took a screwdriver and 3 of its attachments from an IKEA toolbox that Filipe left here in Pittsburgh while he left for Portugal for a year. I thought we might need the screwdriver, so I asked him to mail it back. He did, and I just... like... less than 10 minutes ago, received his email saying that he had already mailed it, and to "please let him know when I got it".

Right now being around the time when the postman comes, I went outside to our mailbox. Sure enough, inside was a cardboard box that was certainly not there half an hour ago. "What a timely email", I thought. I saw the handwritten address, and I was sure that it was the screwdriver from David. Inside the mailbox also was an envelope from Bank of America, labeled "Home Loans". "Just another useless bank offer", I said to myself.

So I went inside, opened the Home Loans envelope, made sure it was just another offer, threw the envelope away, and kept the pamphlet to skim it afterwards. Then I open up the box, I find a screwdriver-shaped package of paper held together by tape, I rip it apart as I throw the packaging in the trash can, and right on, after finishing ripping it, two of the screwdriver attachments fell to the carpet. I looked for the third one, and I couldn't find it. Where was the third attachment? Did it get lost on the way? Did he forget to put it in? I wouldn't think so...

So then for some reason... which I still don't fully understand, my mind pointed to the trash can. Maybe I threw the attachment into the trash can along with the packaging, since the other two were so loose. So I lifted the box up and a giant eagle brochure from the trash can, and I insert my hand into the trash can, without looking. Right on, as if my mind knew exactly where it was, I felt the missing screwdriver tip and took it out. It was fairly impressive, I'd say, because I do not remember having noticed that a small heavy object had fallen into the trash can by mistake.

So then I put the screwdriver and its attachments back into the toolbox and I come back to my room. "Inbox (1)" says my Gmail. Ok, what's THIS new email about?
From: Bank of America - Home Loans
Subject: Ready to buy your first home?

:O. You can imagine my surprise. It is pretty much the exact same message as the one on paper. And SO simultaneous with my actual mail!! I can't argue that David's email triggered me going out into the mail. I mean, that it did, but its timing was also very close to my mail being delivered. But then the Bank of America message too!!?! It's as if they knew exactly when my mail is delivered to my home? Or maybe the envelope has a wireless tracker that shows when the envelope is opened? It was slightly unsettling.

So now I'll write an email to David saying that I got the screwdriver and stuff, and then keep on working. And I'll keep on swimming too. But that's later.

One full grad year

One year. One full grad year. I have lived here in Pittsburgh for over one full year. I have been enrolled in the Carnegie Mellon University Machine Learning Ph.D. program for one full year. Now... what do I feel? What has passed in this year? This wondrous year, enrolled in this wondrous program I had so much yearned for and desired?

My self-image is different now. I think I have a stronger sense of how to make decisions and of how to evaluate situations. Experience helps a lot with that. I've experienced a few things. I became the main tenant in a lease contract with another person. I shared a small apartment with a person not in my family for an extended period of time, and learned what possible conflicts, or interesting discussions, might arise from living with someone like that. I've bought clothing for myself, I enjoyed the beauty of Pittsburgh during the Fall season, I fell in love with a girl who I almost thought I shared a soul with, I lived through a strong winter in Pittsburgh, I found myself buying a heater fan for myself, I shared my most intimate secrets with a girl who I secretly thought could eventually love me back, my heart broke when I found out that would not happen, and I experienced a spring semester full of gloom, false pretenses, hatred, and feelings of revenge towards her.

Then as the semester drew to an end, I removed her presence from my life, and by doing that, I managed to focus on other people and activities. And then a different chapter of my grad year opened up: Summer.

Summer has been populated with images of people different from the ones I interacted with during the school semesters. Orkun, Julian, Lucia, Maria Clara, Andrea, Ashik, Jose Flores, Maria Luisa, Simeona, Laura Stokes, Lexie, the 8+ couchsurfers that surfed through my house, Harmony, Theo, Sonja, Polina, and Mariha come to mind. Skydiving, rafting, biking, Cedar Point, Washington DC, Moraine State Park, roadtrips, bridge-climbing, Pittsburgh discovery... experiences have been quite diverse, and there are still many more yet to go through.

Now, however, I evaluate this past year in general. I came to Carnegie Mellon University, to Pittsburgh, to live. My single decision of leaving my Reddwerks job in Austin to pursue a Ph.D. in Pittsburgh caused my life to change substantially, and I think of asking myself whether it was a good choice. (I do not ask myself that question, though, because the way I see it, I do not like to think of choices as "good" or "bad". Each person chooses according to what they think and believe at that time, and whatever effects and ramifications, expected or unexpected, happiness or grief, caused by the chosen possibility are far too complex and uncertain to predict at any given time. What we can do is choose with certainty and with belief, knowing that it was the best choice we could take at that time, and trusting the effects of it to the natural forces and to the world).

I ask what have been its consequences. What would've happened, had I refused to come to Carnegie Mellon University? Had I chosen to stay at my job, with my stable decent salary, with great coworkers and bosses, coding happily, but with slightly increasing, seeping frustration at the fairly routinary nature of my software engineer role? Living with my brother, with only a few friends, but in a strongly energetic city? Would I have liked it? I was looking for an escape anyway... I found it. And here I am now.

Had I not left my job, heck, had I not been contacted by Luis 2 full years ago, in August of 2008, I would not have even thought of applying to CMU again. I would've continued in my job, always looking for other opportunities, of course, but probably not aiming at CMU. I would have continued on the McLane project, and probably kept on working on the Spider chart I was occupied with during the last few months.

I wouldn't have gone to Disneyland with the company probably - I would not have gone to Europe in Spring of 2009, and I would have saved more money. Monthly rent of $450, monthly salary of $2800 (considering the final raise I got as I left the company), groceries, gas, and miscellaneous expenses of not more than $350 would have probably kept my savings increasing at a rate of almost $2000 per month. Following this trend, I'd probably have enough money to buy 2 Nissan Leafs by now (including the $7500 tax credit per car). Probably enough money to buy a house back in Guatemala. Enough money to travel even more. Would I have gone traveling? Would I have decided to leave the company, like Doug did, and become a rich backpacker going all over the world? I'd rather be a sustainable backpacker. You know, one whose incomes manage to equal or exceed his/her expenses. Whose traveling can become a lifestyle.

If I had worked for the full year of 2009, I probably would have kept having a slight, pointless crush on Emily Rose Rawlings, who is still going strong, and almost flawlessly, on her relationship with her boyfriend, who is also quite awesome. I may have continued going to bars in downtown, probably met up with other people. I could not do other illegal drugs very much though - they seem to be a little too intense for my brain. Austin is mostly known for people who do drugs... what kind of friends would I have found?

Would I have moved? Where to? California, maybe, to the Bay Area? Maybe I would've found some kind of job in Europe? I would've still had a strong urgency to go to Europe, so that could've happened. Maybe Singapore again? I may not have been able to meet up with Marcelo at Toronto, or to see Niagara Falls, or to know about Couchsurfing at all. But what would have happened? I don't know. But given the place I am in now, the experiences I have absorbed, and the people I have met, I think my choice turned out to be quite all right :). I have received beneficial and instructive influences from many experiences and people, and I know I have been a beneficial influence to others around me. A few examples:
  • I helped my Machine Learning classmates move around the city with my car all year.
  • I learned about Machine Learning, Statistics, and Data Mining from my courses.
  • I met up with a free-willed, open-minded dancing community here in Pittsburgh.
  • I've learned to fix up a bike, inspired others to use bikes for transportation around the city, and shown some of them where to fix their bikes.
  • I've shared diverse and fun experiences with great people who are open-minded, free-willed, and curious of Life, as I aim to be and like to think of myself as.
  • I've checked off Skydiving and Rafting off my to-do list.
  • I helped 8 people stay somewhere at least for one night, while they went on and fulfilled their own Life objectives.
  • I had intimate relations with a girl again! That's not that frequent in my life, so it's sure nice when it happens :)
So what choice will I decide upon now? One full year later, given my range of possibilities right now, what path will I take? I have not been feeling identified with my Machine Learning program these days, mostly because of the kind of "research" I have been working at - euphemistic for plain web UI programming on a slow development platform.

Will I switch my research focus? Will I switch my advisor? Will I continue in my program? Or will I wait to achieve my Masters degree, and then focus on things I feel more strongly about? So far, I have learned from Life that change is good. From evolutionary theory, diversity holds the best potential, for it exposes one to the good things from all the different things it finds. To the bad things too, but that is why one can choose. So I am not averse to change. I would not mind it at all :).

Right now, at 2:50:50am on Wednesday August 18th, 2010, I choose to finish one more compilation of the GeoGame, send an email, and sleep :).

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Summer memories

The recently past weeks and months of summer have mostly come and gone, and I have been doing many fun and diverse things and meeting many people of many different kinds. I have been enjoying myself so much, actually, that I have not updated my blog as much as I would ideally have it. Sometimes I feel like a memory packrat, in that I like to persist my experiences, my feelings, my thoughts in an undoubtedly safe and exact manner. I like to collect pictures from experiences in my life, to classify them, to organize them, to see through them and relive moments from the past, since they remind me of meaningful moments, of the person I was at the time, and I can then reflect on how those experiences changed me as a person and led me to become the person that now looks back upon them.

I collect videos, pieces of writing, contact information, favorite quotations, any kind of concept of reminder that touches the inner part of my being which I feel is most meaningful, most important, most fulfilling. The one part of my being that I think is unequivocally worth forging, changing, experiencing, and knowing more about. I collect memories for that reason - to remind myself of what I have at some point in my life truly known is important, and to be able to express to others what I feel is most important in the best way I can, in as many dimensions as possible. Not just in writing, not just in images, not just in audio, not just in words, not just in gestures. Life is rich with so many dimensions of expressing things - the more richly one can perceive something, the more profoundly one will understand it, feel it, know it, embrace it, absorb it as one's own.

Sometimes I do feel that, as I record my memories in the best way I can, I also miss out on the fullness of my experiences. I traveled through 12 countries and through over 25 cities last year in Europe and Asia through 70 days, and it was great. I also took over 14000 recordings, in between images and videos, of all the places I went through. It was great, and it is what I wanted to do. I learned about photography by simple experience, and I recorded many of my experiences to a point far beyond what my current memory's immediate reach retrieves. But in doing so, I may have missed out on talking to the local people, on getting to know the culture a bit better, on experiencing other dimensions of the localities. I may have focused too much on the places and the images, and too little on other noteworthy subtleties.

Sometimes I feel the same way when I write my blog posts. Although some of them are mere quick rants of whatever my mind is trying to blurt or spit out, more akin to sneezing or to defecating than to an art of expression, sometimes I pour considerable effort into writing posts that describe my thoughts and/or feelings clearly, precisely, and in an interesting fashion. In a style which in the future will make me happy to know that I once wrote in such a way, and so that it will be also be attractive and clear to other people who are interested in thinking about the things of this world. It is a worthy question, however, whether one's effort is better spent on recording important and/or transcendental experiences for the sake of future personal reminisces and for expressing them to others, or whether it would be a better value to gather more experiences with this time and effort, to live, to see, to learn, to acquire more knowledge and perspectives of the world.

As with most questions in the world, though, I think the correctness of the answer will rarely be absolute. During this summer, I have very seldom felt the need to write, so I simply have not done so often. Right now I do feel a drive to write, to say what I think, what I feel, and to make a recount of what has happened during the summer. I have crossed many experiences and they have crossed me, and I feel I would not do their richness justice without persisting them as I have done with others in the past.

How to start? How to crisply summarize over two months of rich and diverse experiences into a blog-post-sized linear sequence of words, when I could write entire chapters, I could draw dozens of images, I could record hours of video/audio material, and I could tell people the feelings that I experienced along with the richness of voice tone and body gestures, and STILL not achieve the full richness of my experience.

I will describe as cost-effectively as possible. It is now 2:15:31 AM on a Tuesday, and tomorrow I am supposed to work on the GeoGame project along with Jerry, so I should wake up at a time that could still be considered reasonable for a graduate student to wake up at. Thus, I will narrate my memories quickly, one by one, going through the features and details which I consider to be most meaningful. I guess that's what we always do. :)

SKYDIVING
I wrote a blog post about having gone skydiving once. I may or may not have publicly posted it (tautology!), but I do not think I described it in detail. Anyway, I met Orkun Karabasoglu, foreign student from Turkey, at the UC turnaround as we were waiting for the 11pm bus that would take us to Southside, along with Julian from Colombia and Leon from Colombia. We went clubbing that night, and after that I hung out with Orkun mostly to go clubbing, and sometimes we talked about wanting to go do other activities, such as skydiving, rafting, or skiing around Pittsburgh. Eventually, he made a plan for us to go skydiving, and he sent out an official announcement through the CMU explorers club to the whole CMU community. I recruited Filipe from Portugal as part of the group, and although organized in a hurry, Orkun and I managed to gather 9 more people to go to the skydiving event, including Andrea from Guatemala, Julian from Colombia (who decided to go a couple of hours before leaving Pittsburgh), and Ashik from India.

I drove a full 12-passenger van for 2 hours to get to AerOhio, where we signed dozens of pages of waivers to assure the company that we would not sue them if we were to get hurt during the activity. I signed up for AFF (full training and near-most individual skydive available for first jumpers) along with other 4 guys, including Julian and Orkun, while the remaining 7 people in the group signed up for tandem jumps, which although $70 cheaper, did not include real skydiving training.

We were taught many things in the training. It was supposed to last 6 hours, but it ended up taking 9, in between a lunch break and Orkun's very long and detailed questions about what to do in emergency situations. Our teacher, Peggy, seemed a little exasperated at the end at having to extend her class for so long, but bore on patiently as we learned the tricks and trained the movements we were supposed to do once we were up falling in midair.

The first AFF jumpers got on the plane hours after the last tandem jump in our group had finished. All of the tandem jumpers waited for us for hours on end to get on the planes and jump. First went CJ and Filipe, and both of them seemed to do really well. Their landings seemed flawless. Then Julian and I got on the plane, and about 20 minutes later, after our instructors tested us on the hand signals that we were to receive in the air, we arrived at the jump altitude and hung on the border to jump off the plane. My instructors grabbing me from my sides - check-in, check-out, 1, 2, 3?? I do not really remember what happened in between 2 and falling in midair. Suddenly I was somewhere that could've just as well been anywhere: my ears heard nothing but noise, and my eyes saw nothing but blurs. I was virtually blind and deaf for a few seconds, and as my mind freaked out and tried to make sense of what was going on, I eventually recognized the prevailing noise as really fast rushing wind on my sides, and tiny patterns of farmland and trees in between the blurs of white I perceived from the clouds.

First thing I remembered, the pattern I was supposed to do. What was it? Oh yeah, look at my altimeter. Ok, 11000 feet. WHAT? I was dropped from 14000, and I'm down 3000 already?!? No time! No time! Ok, tell my left instructor! I look to my left and shout "ELEVEN THOUSA..." and I stop, when I realize that the instructor to my left was not there. I kinda freak out, but then just go on to the next step, and I shout the altitude to my right instructor. Again I look at the altimeter - 9000 feet. Amazed, it goes down fast! Again I shout to my left. First I don't find her, but then she appears and grabs my arm! I'm glad to be able to shout to her - "NINE THOUSAND!!!", then I do the same to my right instructor, who starts giving me a fist signal. I think: "Fist signal... fist signal... what the heck does that mean? Stretch my legs? No... that's the two fingers. Check my altimeter? No... I already did that... what did the fist signal mean? He's still doing it... oh he's taking my hand... OHHHH YEAH... I had to check that I knew where my parachute pull was! Ok, I'm doing it, I'm doing it, three times now. One, two, three. There, I can do it. OK, altitude now? HOLY... !!! 6000!! Darn, I gotta pull! But barely any time has passed! Awright then..." I wait for the 5500, it comes by quickly, I wave my hands, I know where the pull is, I pull it, and then suddenly, ZOOM!! two bullet-like objects are fired down from my sides at super high speeds, and a split second later I realize they were my instructors, who I can now not see at all, and I feel a pull up on my shoulders that I recognize as my parachute.

At that time I forget about everything, and my body is just in full adrenaline mode, frantically trying to figure out what to do. I realize I have just finished the most exciting part of skydiving, and am now gently floating down to the ground thanks to my canopy, so I breathe in and out repeatedly, calming myself down to a state where I can think more clearly of what to do next. I now see the terrain below me more clearly, but without my glasses, I still cannot at all make out where I am supposed to land. Just when I'm thinking about recognizing nice soft farmland I can land on as opposed to hard tree branches, I hear a voice in my helmet calling me: "Tony! Tony! Can you hear me? Over!" Very relieved, I answer them by yelling out my responses, and they guide me by telling me to turn either right or left at 45º, 90º, 180º, or 360º (yeah, the last one doesn't make that much sense) angles. Since I don't know much better, I obey what I hear to the best of my ability, pulling on the strings above me to guide my canopy. Though I did not notice at this time, I had not taken even one look at the canopy over my head, even though my training included quite an extensive repertoire of examples of what could possibly go wrong with the canopy while skydiving.

I eventually landed in a not-very-graceful manner on the landing zone (I fell forward on my knees and arms), but suffered no more than a hand scratch and a little embarrassment from it. After that, Peggy told me how I had not jumped off the plane but instead had held on, and even though the instructor to my right side pushed me off the plane, she did not hold on because she had already jumped out, and that was why she had separated from me in the first place. We then hung out for a while, waited for Orkun to skydive, he did OK, and then we drove back. I drove only for part of the trip, and Suddarshan took over for the rest of it while I slept, since I had barely slept the previous night, and he was pretty much the only other allowed driver in the group. Once back in Pittsburgh, I dropped everyone off where it was most convenient for each person, after which I still helped Leila move her bed, other furniture, and stuff to her new place (which conveniently fit in the rented van). It was about 3AM when we finished, and since I had to return the van by 5:30AM, I just decided to stay awake until it was time for me to take the van back to the airport. 24 exact hours of rental accounted only for one day of rent, and I went back home, happy about having completed the Skydiving activity I had previously only heard and wondered about. I believe we skydived on... Saturday May 29th.

ATB@DC
Having had more time to talk during the skydiving activity, Julian and I talked a bit more during the following week. He casually asked me what we were doing the next weekend, so I picked the potential activity that was most prominent in my mind at the time - an ATB concert that was going on in Washington DC that Saturday, which I had found advertised on facebook. I didn't really expect him to agree to it, since I didn't know whether he liked electronic music or not. However, he said yes. Excited at having company for the potential roadtrip, I started looking more into it, found that tickets were about $23.50, and looked for other people to invite. I invited Andrea and she agreed to go, and asked me to buy her a ticket online. So I did.

Looking over the facebook event, I saw this girl posting something along the lines of "This concert is going to be great! Anyone from Pitt want to join me?" Her picture showed her face as blonde, excited, and pretty, so I sent her a message and told her I wanted to go. Her name was Simeona Zalcikova (with some accents over the last name's letters), and over facebook chat, she seemed to be a highly excitable person, really pumped up about the concert, and a top fan of the famous DJ ATB. We first chatted, then we texted each other, and at the end decided that we were indeed going to meet each other at the intersection of our highways en route to Washington DC, have some lunch together, and then drive together for the rest of the way.

So in the end, I joined up with Simeona and two of her guy friends, while Julian recruited this Peruvian guy called Jose Flores and Ashik from skydiving as extra passengers for the trip. I was both impressed and happy about this, since our group had quickly grown from 2 to 5, and even with an addition of 3 random people from facebook. There wasn't much planning involved - we all simply met up at the UC turnaround at about 10 or 11am. Andrea didn't show up, however - she said she would rent a car, drive alone, and meet us at Washington DC later on. I thought it was quite a weird plan, but it was her decision, so we drove off east to Washington DC.

I drove two hours until reaching Bedford, PA, where we found an old-style motor show in one of the main roads of the town, and looked over it as we waited for Simeona and her pals to show up. We met, Simeona and I hugged (we had quite a bit of energy pent up to meet up each other), and found a place to eat. We found a pizza place, ate together, and then drove off to Washington DC again.

When we got there, we check into Motel 6, where the night was about $110 for every 4 people, which was not that bad, considering we were only staying for one night. We unpacked, were getting ready, and then Simeona came along with the news that we needed fancy clothes to get into the bar that was hosting the concert. I thought that was preposterous, since fancy clothes are not to be worn during trance concerts, but I confirmed it myself with a lady from the club on the phone, so we all decided to go to Walmart to get "fancy-looking shoes".

So we went, we took a long time to decide, we bought our shoes, we ate Subway, and then we went back to the motel (after getting separated and lost for a while). My phone's battery died completely during the way back, and we lost communication with Simeona's group during that time. Luckily, I had already bought my iPhone FM transmitter and charger for the car by then, so even though my phone lost all charge, I was available to slowly recharge it and regain contact with them to guide them (and us) back into the motel. By then I had called Andrea and she had confirmed with me that she would NOT be going to Washington DC... she was sick and was staying home. "Bummer", I thought.

The concert was pretty close to the motel, so we walked. Once we got there, we asked for our Will-Call tickets, and got inside. The place was fairly full, and we walked around for a bit as the DJ in charge played good dance music for all of us in the club. It was pretty loud, but the rhythms were ok, so I was for a while entertained by following the rhythm and jumping to it through the dance floor.

Waiting and waiting, ATB took charge only until about 1AM. It was fairly disappointing, to say the truth, since I was expecting him at about midnight. I was so disappointed by this, that before he appeared, I left the club that had a no-reentry policy, walked to a nearby McDonald's, bought a milk and some fries, and just sat down and ate to recover some of the energy I had lost from waiting so much. When I got back to the club and re-entered with Andrea's conveniently still-available will-call ticket, ATB was already in the box, and everyone was dancing and enjoying hard. I joined in, but I think his excessively late appearance fairly turned me off. I mostly walked around after that, and though I did do some dancing, I was not so excited as I was before.

Julian, however, had found another source of excitement. When I saw him, he seemed to be talking to a girl close to the bar. I watched for about two seconds, and suddenly they were making out, pretty intensely, passionately even. I just looked at them a little enviously, and thought "good for him!". I then walked a bit more, and I found Ashik with two girls following him, and as he walked by, he talked into my ear: "the one on the back is for you!". "Fine by me!", I thought, so we went into the crowd and danced once more. The girl I was with was very reluctant to engage in any activity, however, even dancing or talking, so I didn't attempt much with her - she was not that attractive, in any case. So I then just went around and back to Simeona, mostly, who was having a great time next to Gary, a tall wide guy who Ashik delights in calling "big retarded guy". Simeona seemed the kind of girl who would show signs of flirting fairly strongly for a while, and then abruptly rescind and go on to flirt with some other guy. When I found this out, I thought it would be best to avoid being around her, both physically and emotionally, so I walked by myself through the crowd and tried to have a good time by myself.

One example of her flirtatious behavior was when we were in the motel getting ready. She had a room of her own with her guys. However, while I was taking a shower, she was trying on clothes, and she came into my bathroom, and asked me if I thought her dress was cute. A little shocked, I opened the curtain to my face and thorax, almost about to pull it all the way to talk to her, and told her it looked great. Unfortunately, at that time, liquid soap went into my eyes and I felt them stinging, and that forced me to close the curtain and rinse my face quickly. When I had finished doing so, to my dismay, she was no longer in the bathroom.

In any case, during the concert, Julian ended up kissing this girl for about 3 hours straight. He tried to get her out of the concert and back to the motel, but she didn't want to go. Ashik spent all night trying to talk to girls and succeeding somewhat, but never getting as far as Julian did. I'm not sure what Jose did - I think he just stayed at one spot and jumped and danced to the music. Simeona was totally psyched as she sat on Gary's shoulders and screamed and danced to heart's content. That she had a good time is indisputable. As the concert ended, we found each other on a street corner, from where we headed back to the motel. Then we went into our room and got undressed to go to bed. Simeona, however, came into our room and talked to us for about an extra hour afterwards. I was tired of her behavior, though. She seemed overly bossy and self-absorbed, besides showing no signs of actually putting out for me or for anyone else in the room, so I decided to ignore her prattle and go to sleep. I actually went to sleep right as she was sitting on top of me through the bed covers.

The next morning we all woke up pretty tired, except for Jose, who went out for a photography session through downtown. When he got back, we checked out of the hotel and decided to tour around Washington DC before heading back to Pittsburgh. We had breakfast with Sim's group, but then our groups separated, once she had to go drop off the other guy she was with (Mike, whom Ashik and Julian called "The Mutant") about 20 minutes away from where we were.

iPhone led us to the Air & Space Smithsonian Museum, where we walked around and took pictures to our heart's content. Sim and her group joined us there, and then we decided to walk to the Washington monument and the Lincoln monument to get to see it also. On the way, however, we noticed that Sim was walking really fast - she wanted to do everything as quickly and efficiently as possible, and Gary was following her OK. I did too for a while, until I noticed that Julian, Ashik, and Jose did not have that intention. They were walking at a leisurely pace, and did not want to speed up because they were enjoying the walk itself. Torn between Sim's efficiency and my group's preference, I proposed that we split up so that we could check out the monuments at our own pace. So we did, and so we enjoyed it quite a bit. We walked to the Washington monument, I saw the US flag circle, I walked down to a tree by it, we walked to a water monument with the names of all states etched on columns around the water, and we put our feet in the water and just relaxed and enjoyed the view around us.

About an hour later, we left back for Pittsburgh. Julian took over the driving on the way back, and besides running over a dead deer on the highway and filling up the tank with gas, the trip back was fairly uneventful, and we got back on Sunday night/Monday morning pretty tired, but very satisfied at having finished a great roadtrip together.

Cedar Point
During our conversations together, Julian and I had also planned to go to an amusement park in Ohio called Cedar Point, 3 hours away, and we eventually set upon a date for it: June 19th. We later changed it because we went to Washington DC that weekend, and we reset the date for June 26th. We rounded up Ashik and Jose for the trip, and Julian also asked a colombian girl called Maria Luisa out with us, whom she had met at a latin-dance bar called Tusca on Southside.

We were supposed to meet up at 6AM at Forbes and Morewood. I arrived at about 6:05AM at the UC turnaround, but no one was there. I waited, and waited, and nothing. So I called Julian, who I then found out was just waking up. He told me that he would be on his way shortly, and told me to tell Maria Luisa, who was most surely already there, that people would eventually be coming. Ashik and Jose had also not yet woken up, I found out when I called them, so I hurried them all up by phone, and went to talk to Maria Luisa, who was discreetly sitting down at Forbes and Morewood. Eventually everyone came, and we drove off, northwest-ward this time, going towards Ohio.

The weather forecast said that it would probably storm, but we decided to go anyway. We had breakfast at some diner on the way, and then drove off again. Once we got there, we found a nice parking place, and used the tickets I bought for a special online price ($38 each) to get inside the park. Once we were inside the park, we just... ENJOYED!! That place is a ROLLERCOASTER PARADISE!!! It has SO MANY ROLLERCOASTERS!!! We first did the Raptor, which was a hanging rollercoaster, and was AWESOME!! (No cameras were allowed, though...). The Iron Snake, the Mantis, the Millenium Falcon, the Magnum, the DRAGSTER!! (120mph max) and so many others!!! It was SOOOOOOO MUCH FUN!!! We had a large cheese pizza for lunch between all of us, and then we continued going on all of the rides. I went 3 times on the dragster, 2 times on the Millenium Falcon, and once on all of the others. It was fantastic. Wonderful. Total adrenaline gratification. I was sooo psyched.

In the end it did not storm, it didn't even get cloudy at all, and I guess the weather forecast kind of scared people away, because it wasn't too crowded. We ended up sunburnt and physically worn out, but so happy. We started driving back to Pittsburgh at around 11PM, and as for the previous trip, Julian took over the wheel on the way back at night (especially because my glasses had broken). I woke up already near the Pittsburgh airport, and it was not too long after we arrived at each of our houses. It was a great trip: HIGHLY recommended.

MORAINE STATE PARK
A few weeks passed after during which we did not go on consecutive weekend activities with a group, but rather just hung around Pittsburgh during things that just happened to happen around. We went to see a movie projected outdoors on Flagstaff (a part of Schenley Park right beside campus), Julian and I climbed up on the base of a bridge inside Schenley Park late at night and went up a LOONG way up to the bridge's bottom center, and we met Polina, a russian girl that Julian met through Katia, a religious girl whom Julian had a bit of history with that included religion in it. Polina was pretty cool, and we organized a trip to Moraine State Park with her, during which I first got to know her. Maria Clara from Colombia also went with us - she had gone skydiving with us several weeks ago too. It was a nice sunny day - we enjoyed picnicking at the grass beach on the park's south shore, and wading around/swimming around the roped-in swimming area in the lake right next to the beach. It was not too deep or too large, but it was good enough for getting refreshed and wading around a bit. We played a little soccer, Ashik and I played on the swings, and eventually we all left back to Pittsburgh. It was a fun trip.

RAFTING
One of those days, I got an email from Amelia Kriss, a GSA representative who regularly sends out emails about CMU happenings, which invited us to their annual rafting activity in Ohiopyle, at the special price of $35 each. I'd never gone rafting, so I told the gang and they agreed to go. Well, Julian, Ashik, and Maria Clara did - Jose was going to New York that weekend or something. In any case, that was also FUN! FUN FUN FUN! The bus had to wait 10 minutes for Ashik to arrive, who had woken up late and almost didn't find a bus to get him to the UC on time. He got there still fashionably late though, and we made it to Ohiopyle on the completely full GSA-provided bus.

Once at the site, we had to sign waivers and stuff, then we were given life jackets and helmets, given basic instructions, put on a bus to get to the launch area, taken to our rafts, given even more instructions about how to raft, and then asked to take the rafts down to the river. One of the most amazing things happened right there. We knew we were getting really wet during the rafting, so we all had wettable clothes. However, no sooner had we gone into the river, than we were UNDER DENSE, HEAVY RAIN. It started out of nowhere, even stormy-like, and all of us rejoiced as the water signaled a highly wet and fun day.

Our raft fit 6, so we recruited a young Korean married couple to fill up our raft. They were cool people, and we talked a bit before doing the actual rafting. I got the position at the front right of the raft, and being as I could see a lot of what was going on in the front, I gave many of the orders throughout our journey down the river. "ALL FORWARD!!! RIGHT FRONT, LEFT BACK! RIGHT STOP! LEFT BACK!!" etc... It was fun to lead! I think I did a pretty decent job, although the people in the raft said that I was too enthusiastic. In Ashik's words: "Curb your enthusiasm". Hehe. It was super fun, in any case. We had to walk a bit of the route though - the guides said that people sometimes died on that bit of the route through the river, so they decided to be safe and made us walk a path that took us until after that piece of the river.

The most fun parts came when the rapids were coming by, and then decisions had to be made really quickly. Can we make it to the right of this rock? Will we get stuck by that rock under the water right there? How do we get it unstuck? BIG FALL! BIG FALL!!!! ALL FORWARD!! AAAAAALLLLL FORWAAAARD!!!!! And everyone screaming and paddling like crazy, trying to make our descent smoother than the rocks made it seem. Some of the rocks in the river were as big as houses, but those were ok, since bumping on them only made us bounce back, and then we could steer to go in the direction we wanted.

Our raft didn't flip once during the trip, and although we congratulated ourselves for it, we think we might have also gotten lucky about that. We did our best, certainly, and I think we did a pretty good job. But there were times when I thought that we really had no control over what was going on, and we did not flip only because we bounced off another raft that was already stuck on a rock.

We had lunch on the river bank, provided by the rafting guides, as we rested for a bit. We spent about 4 hours along the river, in between rafting, having lunch, and carrying out rafts. It was a really fun experience, and I also HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.

PITTSBURGH TRIATHLON
During all this time, during the summer, Lucia Castellanos and I had been (kinda) training for a triathlon that was due for August 1st. She proposed this idea to me sometime in April, and I agreed to it. The entrance fee was freaking $100, but I liked the idea of doing a triathlon, so I paid for it and trained with Lucia on a program that she got from a couple of sporty friends she knew in NY and in Mexico. Sometimes we went to the gym, sometimes we rode stationary bikes, sometimes we swam in the pool, and sometimes we ran. Sometimes Julian joined us, sometimes he didn't. It was very regular at first, but after I left for Austin for a week-long vacation and Lucia left for Europe with her boyfriend for a few weeks, our rhythm got irregular and we didn't train quite as often. We still trained, though, and I still kept watch on my weight (which I managed to get under 160 :). However, in between all the activities that were going on in my life, I was not consistent, and during the last 2 or 3 weeks, I barely trained at all.

Then suddenly the day of the triathlon came, so I borrowed a bike rack from Khalid, referenced by Lucia, to take our bikes to downtown. It worked excellently, and we got there at a good time. I picked up my packet, marked my bike, let some people in yellow shirts mark my 396 number on my left shoulder and calf, put my bike into the transition area along with the stuff I thought I would need, and waited with Lucia as the Olympic triathlon groups started off first and as our own groups were gathered to start later on.

The race itself was good. I don't think it was very challenging, but it definitely took a good bit of effort. I started off at the very back on the swimming part, and it was nice to feel how I was passing a lot of people on the way. Lots of people I wasn't passing, of course, but knowing that I wasn't almost the very last helped my confidence quite a bit. The bike ride was ok. It was a roundtrip 20k. When I arrived at the 10k marker at the end of the uphill on the 79N highway, I was pleasantly surprised - I thought I still had a long way to go to get to the 10k marker. I was ok with it, though, so I started on my way back. As I was going down, I found a pair of sunglasses just lying beside the road. I decided to stop and grab them, and so I did. They had a white frame and amber lens, and I felt pretty sporty with them on my bike.

Going downhill on my bike really made me realize how much slower a mountain bike is in comparison to a road bike. I pedaled with my full strength on the highest gear available going downhill with my chest to the handle, and I still barely even got to go A BIT SLOWER than the road bikes that were not being ridden with that much effort. I think the next time I do a competition like this I'd like to at least inflate my tires fully. The final run was fairly uneventful. I ran along the riverbank for 2.5km, and then back. Right when I saw the finish line, I decided to do a final sprint, and I still passed 3 people in front of me before arriving. After that I didn't do much but eat bananas and cookies offered by the event and wait for Lucia to finish too.

CREEK FALLS
That very same day, I had planned on a trip to a natural swimming pond about an hour away from Pittsburgh, near a town called Creek Falls. I agreed to go right after the Triathlon as a challenge to stay energetic after the competition. Polina, Ashik, Julian, and I went. We packed up some food from Giant Eagle, and drove down south with the help of iPhone GPS. The trip was pretty boring, though. The supposed waterfall was located in a very sleepy town, and though a very nice woman gave us directions to get to the waterfall, it seemed that the locals did not like to see so many brown-skinned people around them, and Julian and Ashik said that they threatened to harm the car if we parked around where the waterfall was. I was asleep during that time (the triathlon exertion must've gotten to me), so I don't remember that particular event. In the end, we sat beside the river, and ate fruits and chicken. I fell asleep for a large part of that time, but it was nice to be outdoors in any case.

MISCELLANEOUS
It is now 5:48:51am, and I would like to go to sleep. However, so many other things happened during the summer, that I would at least like to list them to keep them persisted. Details may come later, but at least mentioning an event will allow me to read it and evoke a nice truthful memory of what happened during that time. Here goes (not in chronological order):
  • Meeting Laura Stokes (through Roger, the Giant Eagle homeless person, who I decided to talk to after I was having existential/meaning thoughts while buying groceries).
  • Going to HotBox-second saturdays (Laura invited me to her dance show the next saturday after we met).
  • Moving into my place (I moved into my place around June 1st-2nd, with Harmony and Theo).
  • Taking Harmony's rabbit to the vet (One weekend, on July 10th, Harmony's rabbit got an eye infection, but she was going to NY that weekend, so she asked me to take Pocky to the vet. I waited for about 2 hours in the waiting room, and in the end they gave me a cream and some drops to put on Pocky's eye for the next week). $148 for a vet bill. Wow.
  • Buying my $50($60) bike (I wanted a bike. So I found one on Craigslist. Nice guy, was moving to Germany, no longer needed his bike. He advertised it as $50, helped me fix it up a bit before giving it to me, I gave him $60 for it. I've been using it to get around all over, it's awesome. I also used it for the triathlon).
  • Meeting a lot of Au Pair girls (Julian, Ashik, and Jose were meeting a lot of girls at bars, especially at Tusca, and these girls included Au Pair girls who were in Pittsburgh for a few months. We went to a dinner near Robinson Mall celebrating someone's birthday, and I got to meet all these girls from Argentina, Brazil, Colombia, Chile, Spain, etc... It was OK, but the girls all live kinda far away and, though nice, did not seem to strike me as anything especially special. They were ok, though).
  • Buying my $71 camera glasses (After going to Cedar Point, rafting, and doing my triathlon, I decided that it would be awesome to have some glasses with a camera on them. So I bought these: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003DVMJAW/ref=oss_product
  • Losing my bluetooth earpiece (After going on the Creek Falls trip, I couldn't find my bluetooth earpiece again. I'm still looking for it, but I'm almost accepting that I'm going to have to buy another one. Not too bad, though... about $9-$13, was it?)
  • Hauling the couch for the house for a mile with Theo (When moving in to my current house, Yi asked me to get a free couch with a U-Haul. When I called U-Haul, however, they had no available vehicles, so I told Theo about the situation, the guy Yi asked me to ask help from, and I said that the only way to get the couch was to haul it. Surprisingly, he agreed to it, so we carried a pretty heavy couch for 1 mile downhill to our house).
  • Bought 3 bikes for $50 each (Julian found a Craigslist announcement in which a nice bike was being sold for $50, as well as two others, and he asked me to take him to this place and get the nicer bike for him. Ashik also went, thinking about buying a bike. We all got there, and the bikes were pretty decent, just like the seller. We tried the bikes, we tried them, and we bought them. I didn't really want to buy mine, since I already had mine, but I figured that the bike quality was at least as good as $50, so it would be pretty easy to resell for a much higher price after a little fixing up, and that promoting bike use is a good thing anyway, so I bought the third bike. Luckily for us, I still had the bike rack that Khalid lent me for the triathlon).
  • Fixed Laura's bike at Kraynick's (Laura had a bike she had not ridden in 2 years. So I took her to Kraynick's and we fixed it up).
  • As I was taking Ashik back to his place after he stayed in my living room for about 10 days, we took his bike to Kraynick's, since its gears were having trouble changing, and Ashik wanted to adjust the handle and seat positions. We then went to drop his stuff off, played tennis for an hour, and met Laura at the UC turnaround at 7PM to head off to a Baha'i meeting.
  • Hosted LOTS of couchsurfers at my place (For some reason, during the last two weeks, couchsurfers from all over asked me to host them! I was glad to do so, but a little surprised that the demand had been so temporally dense). I got to host:
  • Jeff Weathers from Dallas, TX and OCD friend en route to NYU for MBA, built his own helicopter.
  • Ben Wooltorton from Australia, traveling Canada & USA, en route to Philadelphia.
  • Paula Castello, initially coffee/drink, ended up staying two nights the next week.
  • Michael & Lothar from Germany, cool guys, bought an iPod while here, took bridge pictures downtown.
  • Dustin King, going to Philadelphia, studying at Bradford, PA, seemed gay.
  • Steward McCoy, from Iowa, going to Washington DC for an internship.
  • Leneve, new CMU grad student, civil & environmental engineering, looking for an apartment meanwhile.
  • Ashik, moving into his place with Andrea, needed a place to stay while his toilet was fixed.
  • Laura invited me to a dance show called Swank Easy in the Space Upstairs, and proposed to Julian, Ashik, and to Jose to go. Leneve (couchsurfer) also agreed to go, so we all went in my car and enjoyed an AWESOME show. AWESOME. At the end, everyone was even so happy and inspired as to dance on their own, with upbeat jazz background music.
  • After the dance music show, we went to have some food at Ritter's Diner. It was very fun, until Ashik and Laura began discussing over religious/creationist stuff. They ignored the rest of us for about 2 hours while discussing those topics across the table, drowning pretty much any other conversation we might have had between the rest of us. In the end, I had to go to the table after having waited in the car for about 30 minutes, and very firmly told them that we were leaving. They were really oblivious to all of us.
  • Salsa dancing at Mexico City, meeting Lexie Mastro. Awesome girl :).
  • Dinner date with Lexie Mastro on Saturday, Kiss. We talked about Dr. Seuss, her sisterhood, our families, and an accident her little brother was involved in. She's so smart and observant.
  • Rock-climbing date with Lexie Mastro on Thursday, sticky notes, kiss at number garden. She left for college two days later. I'm happy she took time to see me right before that, though. She called me "quite a stellar boy". :) She also said she was only "casually dating", which most probably means that she's kissing boys she likes all around. That's OK, she's experimenting. It'd be nice to see her again once in a while, though... we could get along so well together.
  • Sex with Paula Castello. Pretty much just kissing her lips, neck, and breasts, and fingering her pretty intensely for about an hour or so. So responsive. Details in another post.
  • Sending Jerol a wire for $2475. She was short on money - and her paycheck is barely enough to keep her and the kids ok.
  • Became the Cokemeister, replacing Mary McGlohon. It's been nice loading coke into the machine. Not-so-nice is dealing with mistaken orders from Coke.
  • ChargeCar events/competition. Electric cars! There's a CMU project that optimizes electric cars with a supercapacitor, and I made an initial algorithm that does precisely that.
  • Baha'i meeting with Laura, Julian, Ashik. She invited us, we went. I was surprised that Ashik went, but we all went in a curious and open-minded state of mind. We biked there, too, which was fun. Julian beat me in all 3 races we did on Forbes, too.
  • Driving to St Mary's, PA on July 31st to see Amanda McCurdy, whom I met at Lorena's wedding in Chicago on June 2006, and had not seen since, but had kept in contact with through MSN, MySpace, phone, and stuff. She's a pretty cool girl - she toured me around St Mary's and through Walmart (her workplace), and we had fun with her sister jumping around the trampoline on their backyard. It was very cool. That very night, after coming back from St Mary's, I went on a dinner date with Lexie Mastro to Olive Garden up north in Mars, PA. It was so cool. :) She's coool.
So see how I have done so much stuff? It took me a while to write all that down. In the end, I don't know if it was more valuable to write this blog post or to sleep - it is 6:12:36am now, and I still have not slept a wink. I'm going to now, though, but I hope I do get some work done with Jerry today. I want the GeoGame project to work well - to have no complaints on it.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Sex milestone #2

For the sake of keeping record of activities of mine with potentially large consequences for the future and of fairly sporadic frequency, I would like to make a quick recount of my experiences tonight.

I've been hosting lots of couchsurfers lately. Paula was a couchsurfer whom I initially met to have some drinks with at Hemingway's, and nothing else. I did so together with Ashik and Ben from Australia, and we had a decent time. That time, however, I didn't even say goodbye to her because she left for Philadelphia. I thought I wouldn't see her again.

A few days later, she messaged me again, asking for a place to stay the night here in Pittsburgh. I agreed to host her for the night, so she came into Pittsburgh and spent the night. "Today", though, Wednesday August the 11th, her flight that left in the afternoon was rescheduled for another one in the early morning next day (at 6:50AM), so she asked me if she could stay for one more night. I was fine with that, so I let her stay.

While we were talking about her cancelled flight in the living room, however, we started giving each other lusty looks. Long eye contacts, signs of indecision from both sides were obvious, but I didn't want to do anything because I had a date later that night with Lexie. So I decided not to do anything about it, and I left for my date.

My date with Lexie was great. I invited her to go rock-climbing, and she agreed to go. She was awesome, just like at our previous date. She was verbose, witty, and funny, and we simply had a great time together. Afterwards we took off to find a coffee place, but she decided to drive in a different random direction, and we ended up in CMU. I showed her where to park, and I showed her my office and some highlights of campus, such as the Randy Pausch bridge, the rotating benches, and the Number Garden. We talked most of the time, and kissed at the Number Garden under the rain, which I thought was pretty fantastic.

She then escorted me back to my apartment, where we kissed again for a long time and we said our goodbyes (she is leaving for college, 2 hours away, in the vicinity of Lake Erie, on Friday morning). It was a great night. Although she said she is only "casually dating" during this time, she also described me as "quite a stellar boy", so I think we will have further furtive encounters together. :)

When I came back to the house, my 4 current couchsurfers (Michael, Lothar, Leneve, Paula) and Ashik were talking in the living room about different topics, especially about politics, education level in the USA, and living standard differences between the countries we knew. I kinda joined them, and a couple of hours passed between us under an exchange of viewpoints.

Coincidentally, Theo's room had been just recently vacated, so I offered that room to Michael and Lothar for the night. They agreed to sleep there, and it was then that I saw Paula was up to something. She first offered to take the room herself, but then realized that Michael & Lothar were 2 people, and might need more space than her alone, so she took her proposal back, not without a hint of disappointment in her face. So I thought "does she want to be alone with me in a room, like we were this afternoon? Huh...". I don't particularly like Paula's physical appearance, but it was almost obvious that she wanted to be in a room alone with me.

So then I came to my room and just decided to go to sleep. Not too long after, however, Paula came in and asked me if she could use my bed for a little while. I was OK with that, so I lay on the carpet, beside the bed, while she rested for an hour before she had to leave for the airport. Michael and Lothar also came by soon, and took their sleeping stuff to the room upstairs. They looked at both Paula and me laying fairly close to each other, and I could see they were eager to leave us alone. I was fine with that, although personally, I wasn't really aiming to do anything else besides sleep.

Once we were alone, Paula offered to share my mattress between the two of us, and I agreed. I lay right next to her, touching each other only on small points - my elbow to her arm maybe. It took a while, but it was maybe about 10 or 15 minutes until she began rubbing my foot with hers, and I complied. I then thought "it's obvious she wants intimate touching. And if I don't give it to her, she'll end up disappointed and I'll regret it in the morning. Yeah, what the heck...". So I took her hand, she took mine, and we rubbed each other's meaningfully. It wasn't too long then before we were kissing, and my hands started exploring her skin all over. They quickly found the bottom of her dress, the only clothes she had on, lifted it up, and began rubbing her crotch.

The crotch-rubbing took a long time, and actually, it took up a great majority of our session together. Apparently, I know how to finger very well, and it was pretty satisfying to see her squirm and wiggle her hips and her body to the rhythm of my fingers, knowing that she wanted more and more of it.

I noticed also that her genitalia are much more sensitive than that of my only other sexual partner so far. As I rubbed her clitoris, she rocked back and forth to meet my strokes, and as I explored the walls of her vagina with my finger (then two fingers, then 3 fingers, then 4 fingers, 2 from each hand, parting her vagina apart from behind (she has a big entrance!)), she reacted to almost every single one of my rubs inside her. I was getting great feedback from her, and even though she had at least one full orgasm, she didn't seem to want me to stop, so I just kept on going and going and going - rubbing up and down, on each side, rotating, pressing, teasing, tickling, and going deeply all the way to where a weird-shaped entrance is on her inner center. Fast, slow, faster and faster and FASTER, and slow again - I kept changing my fingers' speed and motion to keep her interested and pleasured. She was kept very interested, for a very long while (20 minutes or so), and then she closed her legs for a bit, signalling that she needed to rest for a bit. We then lay down next to each other for a bit. I ejaculated during this first session because it was just too much for me, even though my penis wasn't actually rubbing against her or anything.

It wasn't too long until we both recovered from her pleasure and I became hard again, though, and she wanted more. So I gave her more. I rubbed her and rubbed her and rubbed her, while she said things such as "oh, you are so good! I love your fingers!", moaning and wiggling her body all the time. It was fun. During this whole process, I offered to go get a condom so that we could go all the way, but she said "I have a boyfriend at home, I can't have sex with you". I thought that didn't make much sense at all, given what we were already doing, but I was actually already enjoying the experience as it was quite a lot, so I didn't care that she didn't want it. She eventually spasmed again and probably got too much pleasure from the fingering, I guess, since she closed her legs again and wouldn't reopen them. So then she went to get a shower and catch the bus, and I stayed here in my room, thinking about what had just happened.

After she finished showering, she came back to my room, and we kissed goodbye for a few minutes. She then took her bags, left the house, and walked towards the bus stop to wait for the 28x bus, headed to the airport.

And now I'm here, laying on my bed, forcing a fairly tired body to stay awake just a few more minutes to finish up this quick and dirty recount of my experiences tonight. I wonder how much of our sex act did the people on the other side of the wall (in the living room) listen to. I don't much care about them knowing what happened, but it'll be interesting to see their reactions in the morning.