Hello

It is me speaking to you, Antonio. It is your inner consciousness, your real self. What are you doing with your life, Antonio? Are you happy? Are you living your life the way you want it to be lived? Is this your ideal life, Antonio?

I ask you, because you are the only one who knows what your ideal life is. What is it? Do you enjoy following the norms of society as you have until now? Two full years, and counting, have you spent tied to societal norms, following reasonable rules, remaining within the respectable limits... no longer exploring, pushing, breaking the limits, living to your full potential. You are living according to the potential of the program you subscribe to, Antonio. Are you happy with this? Is this what you want? I ask you... tell me. What do you truly want from Life, Antonio? Do you want a respectable, educated, proper life? What do you expect to do during the next few years? Are you here to learn? To collaborate onto producing cutting-edge Science, Technology - to develop methods and algorithms that will probably be published into papers very few people will even know exist? Or to develop one so innovative, so useful, so grand, yet so simple, that it will shake, or even shatter, the very foundations upon which our current scientific viewpoint relies? Do you expect to leave your mark in the world, with an idea that would bear your name until long after civilization falls into chaos again? Would you be happy knowing that, for example, you discovered a most accurate algorithm that determines the thoughts that a person is thinking, or that you characterized the behavior of huge networks of any kind connected in any manners, or modeled knowledge itself even, making everyone else adopt your new model because of its inherent superiority? Is that what you want, Antonio? Academic success? Haven't you already achieved that? You have proven yourself to have an understanding mind, an agile one when it comes to it. But you also have an intermittent passion for Science and Technology... is that what drives you? Is that what brought you here?

Are you here because Carnegie Mellon University, the top-ranked institution in Computer Science programs in the United States, having given you the honor of accepting you into their prestigious program, is an opportunity that would be foolish to throw away? When I heard the news that I had been accepted into the program, my entire being raced and flooded with joy, excitement, accomplishment... euphoria. And I ask you... do you feel that now? Do you smile with excitement during your classes, do you shine with joy with the prospect of each new due project or new topic you see in class? I sense that you do not do so, except slightly, these days. New concepts are interesting, but the strong motivation that you had before seems distant, faded, a little disillusioned. What did you expect from your Ph.D. program, Antonio? Constant excitement? A never-ending streaming flow of ideas, coming from some of the recognizedly most knowledgeable people in the Computer Science community, which would raise your understanding to new orders of intelligence?

Every pants wears out with time, every pretty girl, every man. Even sex, Eurotrip, and Carnegie Mellon, if inner motivation does not keep the wheels of wonder and excitement turning. Inertia is bound to stop even the fastest and strongest momentum, if it is not driven by a force thus. Every one. Every single one. My sky illusions of bliss when I achieve my goals of going to the UltraMusic Festival, Burning Man, or walking from Alaska to Tierra del Fuego - they will all fade away with time, after achieving satisfaction through them. Then it is not a question of what do you feel most like doing at any particular point in time, but rather through which path will you be happy, thrilled, constantly amazed, as you walk on and find the obstacles along that path. Whether they are obstacles or challenges, it depends only on how you see it - how you feel about what you are doing.

So... which path through Life shall be yours, Antonio? Are you happy with your Life, inside the margins of expectancy? Treading a wide, well-known road, following the masses, happy to be normal? Is that what you are?

Think about it. Decide upon your Life. It is well-worth it.

Focus

Is soooooooooooo important. It is so so so freaking important. I realized that yesterday, while in a 2:45-hour long meeting.

People involved in high-dimensional thought, such as machine learners, physicists, mathematicians, or logistic planners, might be most easily apt to understand the analogy I'm about to indulge in.

Each of us has a certain amount of "power rate", equivalent to wattage, that we can generate while we perform tasks. This

*****INTERRUPTED DUE TO SOMETHING I DO NOT REMEMBER - RETAKEN ON SATURDAY JULY 3RD MORNING***

This power rate can be thought of as the "effort" or "attention" that we have available to apply onto anything we choose, whether this is

*****INTERRUPTED DUE TO SOMETHING I DO NOT REMEMBER (AGAIN) - RETAKEN ON MONDAY SEPTEMBER 20TH AFTERNOON***

This power rate can be thought of as the "effort" or "attention" that we have available to apply onto anything we choose, such as cooking, eating, showering, having a conversation, walking, coding, writing emails, working, or jumping. Each and every task requires some level of effort, and to fulfill the task, we must apply this effort ourselves. Somehow, we must act to get things done. And into this we apply our power.

The amount of power one exerts at any given time can vary, but logic indicates that it should be finite, for otherwise we would find someone doing everything at the same time. (It could also be the case that an infinite power might be applied to a task for which infinite effort is required (unachievable), but I will not delve into this case). What we do at each point in time, then, is to decide what to apply our power into. What can we apply it to? How many different tasks can we start or continue at any given time? For practical matters, there are an infinity of directions towards which to apply our effort. Just imagine every possible thing you can think, every possible train of thought - now imagine every possible thing you can say, every possible sound, or even coherent sentence, you can utter - and now imagine every possible movement you can make, in any direction given to you by the space around you, and any action you can take, whether it is to continue to read this entry or to do what you were doing before, or ANYTHING ELSE. Now combine all of these... take all possible combinations, and now imagine this vast space of possibilities compounded with the dimension of time - you can think and say and do - you can CREATE any combination of any of the specific instances you just imagined. And more! It is a vast, ultra-high dimensional space. The possibilities are beyond staggering. But they always are, whether you think of them or not. (Being aware of them grants you more control over them, though).

Imagine if you were constantly aware of all of these possibilities. Which one would you choose? Why? It would be quite a task in itself, just to choose which one of these possibilities to venture into. The average person however, will be aware, and care, only about a tiny, tiny, subset of this huge space - about the things closest to him in location, in time, the most influential concepts on his current train of thought and action - his context. The nature of nature helps us in this way, and allows us to traverse the space of possibilities in a smooth and gradual fashion, therefore reducing the vast combinatorial space of possibilities into a "cone" in space, time, and other more subtle dimensions (work priorities, social interactions), much more easily conceived by our minds.

But even in our contexts, the space of things we can do is still vast. The range of values in each dimension is much diminished - only close proximity and influence is of importance, only people whom which we are currently interacting matter, only activities we have already learned and are currently involved in play meaningful roles. But the number of dimensions has barely decreased, if at all. We can still move in any direction, speak an immense amount of different possible expressions relating to what we are doing, and act in many different ways (for anyone who has played Mass Effect or any similar RPG, you can see what I mean). So what happens if we attempt to exert our power into several different possibilities at once? In all dimensions? Our efforts become weak. They will attempt all and achieve none, like the guy who tries to catch two rabbits at once. The amount of space our energy attempts to cover is exponentially large with the number of dimensions we deal with, and you know how a sequential covering of this space (which is similar to what is attempted in this case) is practically no good.

To remove some abstractness, I'll exemplify with the meeting I was in when I first began writing this entry. During this meeting, 6 or 7 people were trying to come up with an effective design for an application that would serve as a disaster response system for an operator. I was only an additive who mostly helped the main developer understand the basics and the quirks of GWT, but I was included in the meeting because... I was somehow involved.

As the meeting progressed, it was obvious that almost no one knew what we were aiming towards. Some people had a semi-defined concept of the required functionality, and some people were just there expecting others to have a clear idea. The developers expected the project leads to tell them exactly what to do, and the project leads expected the developers to have a clear idea of what they should be doing, because they had had more hands-on experience with the project. Almost 3 hours later, it was decided that a couple of buttons should switch places and change colors, the timer should change its display style to make it seem more obvious to the user, and the time, more than the tasks achieved during the meeting, ensued a vague, uneasy conclusion.

During this meeting, I could not help but think of the concept I'm trying to describe. I could see many people had the correct intentions - they wanted to settle on the important parts of the project and move along with it. But no one had a concrete idea on how to do it - we were all just grasping and grabbing in the dark, looking for the ideal design, but not even knowing what it should be like or what it should do. We were lost. (Meetings in general tend to be this way, mostly because everyone expects everyone else to do the work, but that's another story). But any developer with any experience knows that, if the goal is precise and well-known in one's mind, the work itself is fast, efficient, and even enjoyable. If one know what one aims for, if one's mind is clear, the result is vastly different.

And this concept can apply to any person at any given time. If one is not focused on a task, it is very easy to get distracted by our environment or by our very minds, and frequently switch mindsets, effectively going about on a random walk, rarely achieving anything, never too far from the point of departure.

Example:

I see it this way - if one is unfocused, one exerts energy like a candle, in all directions at once. It will be very hard to light up and to recognize the objective. Though one might, eventually. But if one knows where one's going, energy is exerted like a laser, and it is much easier to light up and achieve the task that one's going for. Kinda sensible analogy.

*UPDATE: Just ignore this last paragraph :P*

Traveler there is no road

I posted a poem by Antonio Machado a few entries ago, but I liked it so much that I decided to translate it to english. Not knowing what to do with the translation, I thought I'd post it here:

Traveler there is no road

Everything passes and everything remains,

but our course is to pass,

to pass making tracks,

tracks over the sea.

I never pursued glory

or to leave in the memory

of other men my song;

I love the subtle worlds,

lightweight and gentle,

like bubbles of soap.

I like to see them color

of sun and grain, to fly

under the blue sky, tremble

suddenly and break...

I never pursued glory.

Traveler, are your footprints

the road and nothing else;

traveler, there is no road,

the road is made as you walk.

As you walk you make a pathway

and when turning back to see

you see the trail that will never

be trodden upon again.

Traveler there is no road

only tracks over the sea...

Some time ago in that place

where the forests dress of thorns today

the voice of a poet was heard shouting

"Traveler there is no road,

the road is made as you walk..."

The poet died away from home.

He is covered by the dust of a neighboring country.

As he moved away they saw him cry.

"Traveler there is no road,

the road is made as you walk..."

Step by step, verse by verse...

When the goldfinch cannot sing.

When the poet is a pilgrim,

when prayer does us no good.

"Traveler there is no road,

the road is made as you walk..."

Step by step, verse by verse.

Antonio Machado

Healing 2: The Sequel

Two consecutive injuries, two consecutive healing processes. This is what my second one looks like (click for better detail):

Pretty.

I really admire my body's auto-repair processes.

Injuries

Often when I tell people some of the times I've injured myself, they're surprised to hear the list growing as I keep on talking about them. So I wonder myself whether the list is actually that long. From what I remember, a chronological list is as follows:

• I was born with the valve between my stomach and my intestines blocked, so I had surgery when I was one week old. Can't remember it at all except for a scar on my abdomen skin.
• My parents tell me I dislocated my left shoulder and wore a cast when I was about 3 or 4, but I don't remember that at all. I can make a clicking movement with that shoulder, though - which I can't do with my right shoulder.
• I was 7, fell from my bike, skinned both my arms and knees, knocked 3-5 teeth off. I still have the scar on my knee that it left.
• I was again a child, and my bike slid into my brother's on a downhill curve in my neighborhood, and I skinned my hand and/or my knee.
• April-May 1999: I tried to bend an exercise spring pole one too many times, my sweaty hand slid off the handle, and the spring bounced with full force on my nose from my right side, splattering the floor with blood that spilt out my nose and drenched an almost-whole roll of toilet paper before receding into a more manageable flow. A late-night trip to the hospital and a quick nose surgery assisted by local anesthesia happened right after (dang that needle hurt!!), followed by having my face cast and bandaged from my forehead through my nose, down to my mustache area. I was lucky to have the cast removed before the trip to IMO Bucharest 1999. No physical remains of the incident.
• I once tried to hold on to a wall while doing a front flip over it. I succeeded on doing the front flip but I failed to hold on, and I fell one story to a rocky terrain on the other side. I kinda sprained my ankle and it hurt for a few days.
• My dad was teaching me how to drive on a fairly deserted residential road in the early morning, and when riding back home on the passenger seat, I opened my window, and I decided to try to grab a plant by one of its leaves while the car was in motion. Bad idea - I grabbed it but it did not hold - the leaf's edge sliced through a thick portion of my right index finger's skin and muscle. When I saw it afterwards, it was one of the weirdest sights - right below the tip of my finger, my skin cut off into what seemed like a semi-circular pool of blood. I never got to see the actual muscle inside. It hurt quite a bit when my parents disinfected and bandaged it. I still have its thin line scar on my finger.
• 2005 Lanquín Cahabón: I was downhilling with the Chompipes team on my brother's bike doing around 50kph on a dirt road littered with rocks, and the back wheel tripped on one of the big ones, threw me off balance, and I landed like an airplane - horizontally and towards the front looking down, and the initial force rested on my right knee. Although I did not feel it then, I fissured my knee that time. I later wore an immobilizer for about 6 weeks. No symptoms remain from the accident.
• May 21st, 2007: On my second class of gymnastics, I was taught to do front flips and land into a pool of sponges. I managed to get 2 or 3 of them right consecutively, so I foolishly decided to try to do a front flip on the training ground. I failed to do a full flip, I fell back when landing, I put my left hand to break my fall, and the fall broke my hand instead. I was performed surgery by one my brother's traumatology colleagues, and I wore 2 metallic nails inside my bones and a cast around my whole left forearm for about 2 months. Good memories during that time, and I luckily had my cast removed right before my trip to LA. My hand's mobility and usefulness has been fully recovered, although I've had the (possibly psychosomatic) impression that it still hurts a little when it's cold (pics here and here).
• After the oh-so-happy surprise that I had indeed been admitted into the Machine Learning program at CMU, I visited the Open House on February 26th-March 1st 2009, and while attending the ice skating session at the Schenley ice skating rink, right on my last lap, a girl suddenly got in front of me, I swerved to the right to avoid her, and sprained my right ankle kinda badly. I didn't get it checked, but it hurt for at least two months after that. No symptoms remain.
• Sunday, February 21st, 2010, 1AM: After a get-together with a group of cool guatemalans in Pittsburgh, I was running back to my office when I slipped on a patch of ice and skinned my left knee. I only have a scar to remind me of it now. And this pic.
• Tuesday, April 7th, 2010, 6PM: When trying to jump a long staircase around the UPitt campus, I failed and landed on the last step instead of after it. I sprained my left foot, but I was very happy that it was not a fracture. I'm almost completely recovered now, although I already run and jump with little difficulty (pics).
• Tuesday April 13th, 2010, between midnight and 1AM: Finger cut or burst just yesterday in Schenley Park, right next to CMU. It is now disinfected and bandaged, so it doesn't look as bloody as it did: pic.

These are the ones I remember. I'm sure there are more, but small injuries can be easily forgotten with time. Injuries fade away with time.

Caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar.

Leí este poema una vez en la embajada de Alemania en Guatemala, y nunca lo encontré otra vez, hasta ahora:

CAMINANTE NO HAY CAMINO

Todo pasa y todo queda,
pero lo nuestro es pasar,
pasar haciendo caminos,
caminos sobre el mar.

Nunca perseguí la gloria,
ni dejar en la memoria
de los hombres mi canción;
yo amo los mundos sutiles,
ingrávidos y gentiles,
como pompas de jabón.

Me gusta verlos pintarse
de sol y grana, volar
bajo el cielo azul, temblar
súbitamente y quebrarse…

Nunca perseguí la gloria.

Caminante, son tus huellas
el camino y nada más;
caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar.

Al andar se hace camino
y al volver la vista atrás
se ve la senda que nunca
se ha de volver a pisar.

Caminante no hay camino
sino estelas en la mar…

Hace algún tiempo en ese lugar
donde hoy los bosques se visten de espinos
se oyó la voz de un poeta gritar
“Caminante no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar…”

Golpe a golpe, verso a verso…

Murió el poeta lejos del hogar.
Le cubre el polvo de un país vecino.
Al alejarse le vieron llorar.
“Caminante no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar…”

Golpe a golpe, verso a verso…

Cuando el jilguero no puede cantar.
Cuando el poeta es un peregrino,
cuando de nada nos sirve rezar.
“Caminante no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar…”

Golpe a golpe, verso a verso.

Thx to Anasilvia Salazar! (http://www.facebook.com/notes/anasilvia-salazar/caminante-no-hay-camino/407840895675)

The Halting Problem

Life does not seem to provide us with any convenient way of exiting it, except by hard power-off. That is congruent with how evolution is claimed to work as, but then... why do sometimes alive beings would rather end their lives? This induces a problem, a halting problem, on these presumably-fed-up-with-Life beings.

Hehe, the Tree. In a silly data-structural analogy to "The Matrix", our real, organic system of Life and evolution could be called "The Tree". (Instead of structured and machine-like, it is organic and evolving). "The B-Tree"? "The Random Treap" would be cooler.

Healing

My foot healed really fast :D. It takes some special twists and moves to make it hurt again, and the hurt is only dull, small, harmless enough... I barely even thought about it today!

It healed WAY faster than my animus... which still hasn't.

SPRRRRRAAAAAAAAINNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

I sprained my left foot :(. And it hurts like a femaleparentfornicator. Nahhh, not really... but it did hurt a lot more before. Now it has been x-rayed, iced, tightly bandaged, analyzed, and a medical specialist told me that it is indeed a sprain.

Yeah, kinda sucks. What does NOT suck is that it's not a fracture. That I'm very, very grateful of. :) The medical people told me I should be better by friday.

Now I'm about to take a Vicodin pill, which is supposedly very strong (it says Hydrocodone 5mg and Acetaminophen 500mg), and should put me to sleep quite soon. Kbye!

Stability

Keep it steady :)

Future email

I plan to send this to you as a future email.

I am hurting again. Little after I offered peace to you, and I began seeing you again as someone I could again smile at, hurt started coming again, and it's been at it ever since. But my intentions are still friendly. I'm telling you because if I hide it, the hate might start coming again. I'm not trying to tell you to change in any way, reproaching you, trying to make you feel guilty, or anything like that. I just want you to know it, and hopefully it will help me get back on track. If I don't tell you, my innards may start thinking "look at her smiling, laughing, so cheerful, while I feel I'm dying inside. What does she know... she knows nothing... she feels no sympathy for my hurt... I hate her". That's kinda how it could go, and I'm trying to avoid this. Just know it.

Also, I'd like you to read the other scripts I wrote towards you during these last few months. I don't think you'll know how I felt for you unless you read them. I know they're disturbing, so I will probably tell you this at a lower-stress moment. I know you have your own problems too, but I have to ask. No resentment if you refuse.

Antonio

P.S: Anyway, it's not the first time it's happened: http://www.cafepress.com/+leila_broke_my_heart_and_i_hate_her_throw_pillow

Melancholic remains

I agreed on being at Peace with her, and I held it well for a day. And now that I removed the barrier between us, again I am struck by sadness and moroseness. I want it not to be so. But it is. How do I avoid this flow of depressive feelings from her to me without creating the artificial barrier of indifference and enmity I had before? This script is an attempt to get these thoughts out of my system - please, GO AWAY. I want to work, I want to focus on other things. Please leave me alone, negative feelings. You do me no good now. Could you come back later? During the summer, maybe? Sometime when these urgent tasks are not all around me and I can spare some more time to wallow and despair in you. Please. Be nice. I just want to do my SML homework and prepare my little presentation for the MURI meeting tomorrow. I'm not telling you to go away completely, just leave me alone for now. Go play cards, or WoW, or something. All of you feelings make a fairly big quantity - hate, sadness, self-pity, hurt pride, unrequited love, jealousy - you can go play poker or pair up for ping-pong. Tell me how it goes, too. We'll catch up later, ok? K, peace out!