Hate Milestone

My recent hatred-tactic for Leila has spawned a complete three-pronged experiment that promises results of some kind.

In a previous writing, I expressed myself furiously towards Leila and her rejection. I cried in anguish, not able to reconcile the idea that she did not want me. We were so perfect for each other, we got along so well, why didn't she take me, accept me my gift to her of everything that I had? My brain understood it, but the rest of my being did not. I had given her my everything and she had not given me hers back. It was insulting, offensive, cruel. Emotional asymmetry can be so hurtful.

So I decided to take action. Having convinced myself that I could not advance further in this manner, I decided to attempt, instead of achieving her gift, to make her feel as I had. Emotional asymmetry is the key. I had given her everything, and she had given me much, but not everything. Still, a very strong bond of friendship and trust joined us. She was not unaffected by my gifts - I was her utmost confidante and friend in our context, and I understood she had formed a dependency with me. And I had been always happy to support her when she needed it.

So my move was to remove my support. She would no longer find a close friend in me. A friend, perhaps, a casual companion, but nothing deeper. I would close myself and reject her frequent "smoke-outs" and "car talks", during which we had confessed our deepest feelings before. Not suddenly, of course, but gradually. Slowly, naturally, as if to arise several theories in her head. "Is he avoiding me to think about me less? Does he want to take revenge on me? I don't think so, why would he still be so nice then?" I would still be polite and helpful in the objective sense, but would cut my help at that. Politely short - that is how my attitude would be described. Not hostile, not ignoring her (too much), not in despite, but simply plain and short. That is what I would converge towards.

And if my key hypothesis was correct, and if I knew her well enough, she would suffer for it. I would have stopped giving her things. I'd still give her some of my attention, of course, but hardly any, while she would continue trying to give me what she had given me last semester: trust, friendship, laughter. None of those would I give to her. She would still try to give them to me because of our strong bond and her dependency on me, but I would simply not give it. I'd act politely short and proceed to my daily activities, presumed to be more important that anything else she had to say. The emotional asymmetry would have her on the downside this time.

And this was my plan. As it has progressed, however, I have imagined how will this end - eventually she will come directly and ask me:

"Why are you acting so weird? We used to hang out all the time before and now we barely speak, what is it ? What do you have? Is it because of me? Please tell me... I WANT US TO GO BACK LIKE WE WERE BEFORE" (note the magic phrase I need to enter this conversation).
...
and I've thought of what I will say. I could come out and tell her the truth, that it was revenge, and tell her that I hope that she suffered at least as much as I did. But of course that would not produce the desired effect - knowing that alone would make her feel much better about the loss of me she felt for me before, since my mentioning my revenge on her would naturally "make me" a worse person in her eyes, one less worthy of suffering about. So I came up a list of possible answers:

"Emotional asymmetry. I gave everything to you and you didn't give it back. So now I do the same to you - you give me trust and friendship, I reject both, and I give back the only thing I have left for you: indifference. Enjoy it. Fuck you."

The raw response. Possible, but would effectively relieve her instead of making her suffer more. Looking for a more dignified justification, I imagined:

"For a whole semester I longed for you. We spent all our time together. I spent everything I had (emotionally) on you, and I did not receive what I had so much longed for. After the experience, I was drained, and my ego was hurt very badly. I could not look at you without feeling a painful emptiness inside me. So, to satisfy my ego, I decided to act like this. I needed to assure myself that I was somehow uniquely important to you, like you had been to me, or whether I had only been a generic supporter for your almost maniac need for companionship. If I did not offer my companionship, others surely would. It was just a matter of time to see whether you would simply replace my position of "best friend" with someone else. If you did, my ego would not be healed, but I would genuinely scorn you, eventually removing the pain I had been feeling for you. If you did not, and you seriously asked me to go back the way we were despite others' hearty offers for companionship, my ego would find much relief, and I would be able to see you again as an equal, and not as a person who takes advantage of my good will. Then I would be able to genuinely feel, and treat you, as a real friend".

Testy and devious, it might, but might not, have the full impact of surprise and guilt I'm hoping to make her feel. Related to this last response is also this next one, a more positivist approach with barely any negative feeling involved.

"You know that last semester, I loved you. You were my goddess, my ideal. I looked at you, and my insides always jumped, and I smiled, excited to see you, happy to talk to you, hoping to be of any use to you at all. This attitude, however, combined with the raw physical attraction I felt towards you, inevitably led me into my devotion to you which you already know about. After I knew (and it finally sunk in) that you would not return this same devotion, I was able to discard it several times (not without considerable time and effort), and replace it with plain friendship, genuine and trusting. It was not long, however, before my constant contact with you and admiration for you again matured into infatuation, and the vicious cycle began again."

"So I decided that the only true way to lower your priority in my mind was to act it. You know, if you act it long enough, you become it. My plan then was to give you as low a priority as I could give you without making my purpose obvious. Instead of looking for ways to help you or make you smile, I would not think of what you needed. Instead of excitedly rushing off to help you, at your slightest hint of a request, I would look at you quizzically, insinuating 'Are you talking to me? Do you need something? As you can see, I'd rather not have to help you, but if you need something strongly enough that you are willing to endure my look of indifference and still ask me for help, I'll help you. I'll help you amiably, but not gladly. You no longer have priority in my queue.'"

"And of course, I would not have told you anything about it, because that would give your knowledge more priority than my plan. By you knowing it, my act would not be real - it would be a fake. Whenever you saw me acting distant you would understand, smile inside, and leave, instead of putting me to the test. I could not truly ignore you without putting you completely out of the loop. To really remove my adoration of you, I had to take you to the other extreme, where trust, friendship, and devotion do not exist. Only a disdainful indifference masked by a short politeness, and where your priorities are overwhelmed by even my most trivial whims. So that is what you got. And I believe I have succeeded - I no longer admire you, I no longer feel you above me. Now, I hope, I can befriend you again without succumbing to love."

And as I've been going through this personal social experiment, I've realized that all three of these explanations are actually true. Although the latter two were only thought of later on, they are valid justifications, and I may still find benefit from all three of them. If I succeed in my little enterprise, I will have partially appeased my need for vengeance, my ego will be healed, and hopefully, I will be able to truly see you as a flawed reality rather than the fantasy I fancied before.

And although rational explanation is not a good way to appease an offended soul (which you might very well be after I tell you one of these), one of the latter two may succeed in partially appeasing you and tranquilizing you enough so that we may again engage in a close friendship. But from my part, as most surely from yours too, never as genuine. I will have intentionally sacrificed genuinity for the sake of stability.

Although what I really want is for you to beg us to return to the friendship we had before, and ask me what happened, what can you do to help me. And tell I want to print out these writings: My mind is a mess, Emotional Asymmetry, and this one, take them out of the printer, look at you, spit a huge wad into the paper sheets, crumble them up tightly, and shove them into your hands, glaring into you and saying "Fuck you".