My mind is a mess

I have a presentation to practice, and I could focus, but my mind urges me in anxiety, shakes me constantly, asking for attention to something I can't understand. What do you want? What do you want, mind? Is it about her again? What do you want to tell me? That I hate her? Is it that? Tell me something, heart - do I hate her now? Have I gone that far? What the heck??

Ahhh, yes, the relief of emotion springs through my spine - just a tiny burst. I close my eyes and more comes, without thought, only the soft release of emotional tension.

Is it true? I don't want to love her anymore - have I come to hate her then, in a defensive tactic? How stupid can that be? Must I project SOME emotion onto her, and if it can't be love, it must be hate?? Is that true?

Tell me mind, because I DON'T KNOW!!!! All I have is wordless emotion through my back and arms, but I can't distinguish it. How to tell?

I will state several possibilities, and the one which rings most as the truth, will be the one.
I hate her. Do I? She is kind to me, how can I hate her? She uses me. Does she really? I'm the one who offers to give her rides, talk to her, and who built up all the energy between us - I gave it all and... does the energy have to go into some emotion? And if it is not love it shall be hate? Despise? Repulsion?

I don't feel repulsed by her. I feel her as a sin - something I should not approach lest I fall in the vice of dependence. But there is attraction - and I work to keep her distant, and it works...
until now.

I love her. Man... the emotion I feel is much stronger. Through my back, arms, shoulders, neck, head... and more relaxed. Is it really that? It doesn't ring exactly true either. It seems to be closer, but it's not that. What is it?

She is my best friend, and I cannot risk to be too close to her. And that is saddening. An emotion of subtle woe stirs me, but it is not that strong. What is the truth?

I hate her. I want to kick her, punch her, smash her to the floor, grab her by the neck, make her pay for the frustration I have felt. I am infuriated with her. I want her to suffer like I did, have her want me as much as I wanted her, pretend to fall for her, give all the hints, make her truly fall for me, want me, respect me, admire me... and at the moment of her highest hopes disappoint her, block her, suddenly grab her by the heart and not let go - crush it slowly - no, pretend at first to be a loving squeeze even. And when everything is perfect for her, squeeze and crush her heart to break her in every way - see her defeated, humiliated, lying on the ground, still begging for me to help her. And then pretend to have not heard her and walk away, absorbed by other things, and forget her forever except as the scar of triumph that appeared when my hurt was at moment finally healed.

She cares for me. Does she really? Or am I just her pity project? Even unconsciously... I may be just the one she feels sorry about because I suffered for her all of last semester. Sure as fuck I did. I suffered, I saddened, I cried for her. Fucking feelings. Literally. That's what causes all of this shit.

Now I act aloof, cool, distant. Unbothered by her. Am I really? If I'm writing this so fervently, apparently I am not. But HELL can I act it well! And I'll act it even BETTER! I'll ignore her so much that she will come crying to me, asking for time alone with me like she now does. And I will be busy. Too fucking busy for her.