Uncovering My Personal Secrets

In one of my entries, I said that I had secrets. I'd like to uncover these secrets. Short, plain, and simple.

1. I had a love relationship, both physical and emotional, with my cousin's 15-year old daughter Andrea between June 11th to July 7th. We haven't really talked since.
2. Even while my relationship with Andrea was still "active", I began another love relationship with the Sexy Latin Tiger from Los Angeles. First virtually, then physically, our love developed more sexually than emotionally. I never told Andrea about her, but I intend to. And the part I feel the worst about: even though I don't truly love SLT (I like her and everything, but not THAT much), I've told her I do. And it seems she loves me very much. And I will have to tell her soon. I love her as a friend, but not as a partner for life or anything. I hope she doesn't hurt too much when I tell her.
3. I've been having sessions with a psychologist called Mimi. Not clinical, but as she describes herself, "transpersonal". Very spiritual, open-minded, and esoterically-focused. I like it so far. It was a secret because I didn't want people to think I was going crazy or anything. I guess people that go to psychologists could seem a little dependent. Like "Oh I need help, pleaaaase help me! I don't understand my own life!" I guess that SORT of applies to me, but not too much. Dependency is NOT my thing.
4. A well-kept secret: I once made out with my 4-years-younger sister, almost 2 years ago. I hope she doesn't mind me publishing this...
5. An older secret: I once stole a teacher's British Literature guide book from Miss Jill's office at Colegio Interamericano as a purely rebellious act. No real gain, but a lot of pain when Miss Jill somehow found out it was me who had actually done it.
6. My longest-kept secret: At the IMO 2000 competition in Taejon, South Korea, I did an awful thing. Awful, awful thing. And I think I'll never forget it. I was one of the elected participants to travel and compete, so I gladly went there and took the tests. Each test lasted four and a half hours. The first day of the competition, I felt proud, arrogant, and superior. I believed myself to be better than most of the other people present. I read the three questions, hurriedly answered them all with the best answer I could come up with in a single pass of thought, and then with foolish, delirious thoughts of "genius boy solves exam even before time was up" headlines, I turned in my exam and walked away, wasting at least 2 hours of precious time that I could have improved my score with. Even if I had sat down, thought, and worked hard on the problems throughout the whole 270 minutes and still gotten a 0, it would've been better. I did an awful thing. This is what I feel most ashamed of in my life, and I'm terribly sorry. I beg forgiveness of the people who trusted me to do my best - I failed you. (This last one wasn't so short, but it was important. Sorry...)

Shouting out to the world!

Crossroads

With my scholarships rejected and free to make my own decisions, these past weeks I've been struggling to choose a path. I have so many options in front of me - which one do I really wish to do?

1. Abacus practice: More of a commitment to someone else than my real wish... still keeps me anchored here in Guatemala... do I really want to keep on doing this? I'm starting to think I'm doing it more for Kira than for myself.
2. Travel: My dream adventure. Dream Life. Going to unknown places, taking jobs like bartender and window-washer, meeting new people, new cultures, learning new languages, eventually becoming a true global citizen... cool, huh? The COOLEST! Of course, I'd probably have to suspend any kind of stable job related to my career. But isn't Life for the taking? To enjoy every single moment, starting NOW? I feel like I'm just one step away from taking this option. Very, very tempting.
3. Arts, linguistics & gymnastics: I'd LOVE to sing like Pavarotti, play the piano like Mozart, paint like Picasso, write like J.K. Rowling, play a violin virtuoso, speak, read, write, and understand 15 different languages fluently, and run and jump like David Belle. Can I do it all? I'm sure I can. Am I willing to let my life slip by while I master each of these wonderful talents? I don't know.
4. Stable, prosperous, routinary life: Probably my worst fear. 8-5 jobs are OUT OF THE QUESTION. It may sound awful or ungrateful, but I think I'd rather travel and beg than be trapped inside such a gray life. I could POSSIBLY take a temporary 1-3 month job to earn enough money for a project or something, but basing my life on a job is NOT my idea of a decent Life.
   
5. Inner, spiritual search: I'm sure this can be combined with any of the previous options, but I'm afraid I don't have the proper discipline of mind to permanently follow two goals at a time. "He who chases two rabbits catches neither". Maybe Travel is the most compatible option to follow together with this one. Hmmm, I'm starting to discern a good option here...
   
6. Personal inventions: I believe to be inventive. I like to imagine and design new stuff all the time - stuff that would probably make our lives much easier. Now, developing inventions takes time and resources. Probably 24/7 to make them right. Probably the second-best option after Travel, I'm already thinking on people to contact to create these inventions with.
7. Scholarships: Even with 5 scholarship rejections so far this year, I believe I have good chances to get a Ph.D. scholarship somewhere. A contact at UCF has even told me that I have a GUARANTEED CS Ph.D. offer at UCF if I were to apply. Now, is that what I REALLY want? ANOTHER 4-6 years of STUDYING? Hmmmm... I don't think so. The period of sacrifices in my Life is temporarily suspended - I'm cashing in rewards now!
   

So... I believe these to be my current options. I want to choose quickly. Why don't I? Abacus? Is that the only reason? Ugh. I'm going to have a serious talk with Kira soon. :S I hope we can come to a mutually beneficial arrangement.

A JPEG is worth 2^10 TXT files

Having been a negligent blogger for three months puts me in trouble. How am I supposed to tell a quarter of a year of my life in detail when whole books could be (and have been) made about only a few days of events?

My somewhat satisfactory answer: visual expression. Images. JPEGs.

Picture 1: Green car at CALUSAC

I post this picture for several reasons:

1) I LOVE the car's color
2) It was taken in CALUSAC's parking lot, where I took mandarin and japanese language classes for approx. 2 months.
3) It was taken exactly one day after Andrea and I exchanged our first like & love phrases on the phone, my first real affectionate relationship.June 12th, 2007


Picture 2: Panama Bracelet

This was Andrea's gift to me, which I still wear with pride. I was amazed when she told me I could shower with it. I have never taken it off since.
This was also the day of a strong tremor, and when Andrea's parents began to strongly suspect an affectionate relationship between Andrea and me.June 13th, 2007






Picture 3: Hand cast & nail removal

I've already posted this one, but I like it so much that I posted it again. I had broken my hand about a month before doing a forward flip at my gymnastics class. This picture shows my uncovered left wrist and one of the two surgical nails driven into my skin, sinew, and bones. It was taken just before the doctor yanked both nails out of me with his bare hands. Pretty, isn't it?

June 21st, 2007





Picture 4: Andrea & I

One of the only three pictures we have together. Andrea invited me to a series of christian concerts at her church, where we talked for hours on end and shared our deepest thoughts and feelings. One of the happiest days I remember.

June 27th, 2007








Picture 5: Pacaya horse ride

My cousin Lorena and her recently-acquired Illinois husband Mike visited Guatemala on the last week of June and decided to take a Saturday trip to the continuously erupting Pacaya volcano. As a volcano regular, Elisa was put in charge of organizing and guiding the whole night trip to see the red-hot rivers of lava above. People present: my mom, my uncle, my aunt, my little cousin Anita, my married cousin Lorena, her husband Mike, Elisa and I.
Picture shows Anita riding one of the four rented horses before setting off.

June 30th, 2007




Picture 6: Fidel & Lola

I was not even AROUND when this picture was taken, but it's the closest I can manage to fill the gap. This picture represents the preamble to my LA impromptu trip (I decided to take the trip in less than three days).
It is a picture of both of Tatiana's and Sofia's male bulldogs (I got to meet them afterwards, they're nice). Tatiana made my LA impromptu trip possible by lending me her unused Hollywood apartment for almost a week. Dear Tatiana, thank you so very much.somewhen before June 29th, 2007 @ 10:41PM




Picture 7: Fateful Hollywood Studio

A casually-met MSN friend, a little online interaction, and several beautiful timely fortunes of Fate allowed me and my mom to take an impromptu trip to LA and Seattle. I stayed at this borrowed apartment for 5 whole nights, where I shared some of the most fantastic experiences of my life. Twice.
Everything is possible.

July 14th, 2007






Picture 8: Inside RHF with SLT @LA

SLT and I's frequent trips inside RHF ended with her taking this dark, large-teethed picture of me wearing her sunglasses just minutes before I walked away from her, at a BK parking lot. As you can see, happiness flowed affluently within me at the time. Many goodbye kisses and caresses followed this picture.

July 14th, 2007

Picture 9: Naturally Seattle

The main official reason my mom and I took our USA impromptu trip was to visit this picture's leftmost participant - Genevieve, my mom's half-sister's ex-husband's mother - in Seattle, WA. I had not seen her since I was one (year old). Having just become 91, Genevieve is a funny, loving frenchwoman living peacefully in the most peaceful, green, nature-loving, water-related, heart-warming, and beautiful city I have EVER known.
I want to live there.

July 19th, 2007

Picture 10: Mummy man

Back in Guatemala, almost one month after returning from my LA impromptu trip, I substituted my cousin Joel as an english teacher at CCI (Colegio Cientifico Integrado), a school conveniently placed on the same side of the city as my house.
I got paid Q700 for supervising students during the whole exam week, during whose Friday the school's teachers took a fun training course. Its outdoor activity was to make teams, wrap one of the team members with toilet paper as shown (not me), place three wooden sticks under him, and race through the basketball court carrying the mummy on the sticks. Fun activity - thanks to the Santillana guys who gave us the course.

August 10th, 2007


Picture 11: Antigua breakfast

Just hours after my mummy activity, my mom told me to deliver my sister's civil wedding dress to Antigua. Unexpected but very enticing, I packed up my dress clothes for the next day's wedding and happily drove off. I got lost looking for her hotel (Posada de Don Luis), but I finally found it, redressed in the hotel room, told the hotel manager I was leaving, and walked to Casbah disco-bar. I payed Q30, drank a Cuba Libre, and danced alone to happy trance for about 90 minutes. Next morning I had pancakes and coffee for breakfast at the hotel with my sister and her then-fianceé.August 11th, 2007




Picture 12: Antigua weddingA late-waking bride, a slow hairdresser, and a tardy family built up to a late and quite disorganized wedding celebration. Even the priest was half an hour late. Is this normal?
After the late groom entered the church, wedding music made the bride walk down the cathedral aisle with mom & dad. Halfway they noticed the priest was missing, so they stopped walking and just stood there for at least 10 minutes, smiling awkwardly and trying to avoid attention. They weren't very successful.During those 10 minutes, August 11th, 2007


Picture 13: Pretty fountain plaza
"Capuchinas" is the common name for the ruins where the wedding party took place. Colonial style architecture surrounded the guests, which included pe_morales & mom, Alicia's friends, Don Robert de la Rose, our life-neighbor Doña Rosita's family, distant family, close family, the unknown groom-side guests, and me. Don Roberto de la Rosa showed me a very interesting underground toroid-shaped room, and I played tag, hide and seek, chibiricuarta, and swing-around with the cute children guests ALL afternoon. DEFINITELY had more fun that I did at Casbah the previous night.

August 11th, 2007




Picture 14: Family reunion
Alicia's wedding brought our family close together again. My dad and three youngest siblings flew from Chicago, my oldest brother from Austin, and we were all reunited once again at our dear house here in San Cristóbal. Though it was less than a week, being together again was very, very nice. Above all, we're still one big happy family. Kudos to the photographer, who also played the part of the center photographee.

August 15th, 2007




Picture 15: Partido Patriota
(WARNING: I AM NOT AFFILIATED WITH THIS PARTY OR DO I AGREE WITH ITS POLICIES. I just worked for it)
I began freelancing applications with the PP project, which required a multi-user application that would allow the entry of many people and their distribution between voting centers, zones, and administration personnel. What started out as a simple application became a version 2, then 2.5, stressful development 24-hour shifts, and four full days of technical support so as to cope with the hurries of the national elections.
Initially a frustrating experience for a developer, seeing the functional application in action and in service was quite rewarding. The money was nice too (though I charged cheap :S).





Picture 16: Ministry of Sound

I know, bad picture, bad lighting. But what do you expect from a K310 cellphone at a night trance concert inside a hangar? If you knew them, you would recognize Marcelo's and Fily's silhouettes on the right and left, respectively.
I had just finished a hard-working day of PP freelancing when I was reminded of this big concert. 9PM, I had no ticket, no money, and no suitable clothing for a concert. 10:30, I was smelling marihuana and swaying my body to a blithe trance rhythm in an unbuttoned, inside-out dress shirt, thanks to my friends' borrowed money and fun company.August 31st, 2007



Picture 17: Cutie Kitty Cat

Have you EVER seen such an ADORABLE little kitty???? A month old at the time, this kitty cat is either the 58th, 59th, or 60th oldest child of my cousin's cat, Mishi, sometimes referred to as the Super Cat Matriarch. It almost fit in my hand and emitted the dearest, most high-pitched, heart-melting "meow" I have EVER heard.

September 2nd, 2007






Picture 17A: Super Cat Matriarch

I couldn't just mention the highly-respected Super Cat Matriarch without posting her honorable image in my humble blog. She's pretty much responsible for at least half the cat's population in Zone 1. The veritable root of the Mishi family.
With all due respect, I've known her since she was a kitty, and I love her very much.
Here we have her looking at me with her magnificent WHAT-THE-HECK-DO-YOU-WANT face.

September 2nd, 2007




Picture 18: Mimi's Kitchen

Mimi invited me over to her house while she was out for the weekend. Sunday afternoon, I took my abacus stuff and went to her house to be alone for a few hours and practice my arithmetical exercises. While in her kitchen looking for coffee, I found this funny little sign on her wall. I doubt you don't know Spanish, so laugh if you like it too. :)

September 16th, 2007





Picture 19: Wicho's Party

He's not Wicho. He's Kenny. See Kenny smile. Smile, Kenny, smile. See Kenny smile. I don't have Wicho's picture, so he'll have to do. :P
Both Wicho and Kenny are old high school friends, and Wicho's birthday is on September the 24th. So he invited us to eat, drink, and enjoy his house party last Saturday. We ate pizza, drank alcoholic stuff (not too much for me, just the peer-pressured 2 and a half glasses of rum & soda), and caught up on old school memories. Kenny's such a funny guy.

September 22nd, 2007




Picture 19A: Wicho's Party: The Sequel

What? Another complementary picture? Well, he's not Wicho either. He's Pato. See Pato toast. Toast, Pato, toast. See Pato toast.
Also an old high school friend, Pato had never before tasted beer before, so this picture represents his adoption of a popular, though rather dangerous habit: alcohol.
(I didn't want to post this one because it's so badly-lit, but a joyful expression such as his should not be hidden).

September 22nd, 2007


Picture 20: Infected Mushroom

PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Excellent timing and enough money brought Fily, Marcelo, Bidkar, Jose, and me together for the Infected Mushroom concert on Saturday at the Village School. Man, if I could only tell the whole story!! Jose had just come back from a trip, Marcelo was just about to go on one, and Fily had just gotten a new job. It was time to party!! Hours after Wicho's party, all five of us got into the Filymobile and drove all the way to Km25, Carretera al Salvador. It was pouring, it was dark, we got lost, but we finally made it. Once inside, trance music got hold of me and rocked me around like a mad puppet. I danced ALL night from 9PM to 2AM. I danced so much - I jumped, I swayed, I flailed my arms, I punched the air, I swished my hair around, I annoyed some people around me, I pumped energy into other more tolerant ones, I found some glowsticks, I threw them around, I shouted, I screamed, I twirled, I skipped, I hopped, I found a can of Adrenaline Rush and drank it, I found a can of 7Up and drank it, I found two bottles of water and drank them. I jumped and punched so hard and high that I got a cramp in my right leg and my wrists and neck STILL hurt. I was away from my friends most of the time, mostly because I liked to keep on skipping and dancing in different places all the time.
I also found some acquaintances at the concert (Ricardo Morales, Ates Arevalo, Cebo, and Porfirio (shown in picture), high school classmates; Allan Ardon, former Ecosol partner; Mosko & DL, former college classmates).
The actual Infected Mushroom DJs played only from 0010 to 0200 hours, and though the music was slower than it should've been, I guess it was OK.

So...... I think that's it. Today, on september the 24th, I should've worked on my freelancing applications, but instead, I wrote this large blog entry. My first photoblog entry. Cool, huh?

Whew! Managed to keep up! Oh well, I guess that's it then. I hope to update it frequently enough from now on so as to fit more detail and my insights into it. As for now, BYE!

Gotta get started

I am ashamed of myself of having suspended my blogging for SUCH A LONG PERIOD OF TIME. My last officially published blog entry is "Kiss", after which my life's main events and aspects were blurred with the taint of secrecy and I reluctantly suspended my public blogging.

Well, no more. I wish to write. I wish to express my opinion publicly, I wish to tell my stories as I see them. As minuscule as this small blog may seem, I hold hope that it may influence fellow human beings in a way. A positive way (positive for me, which is really MY way). After all, expression is THE way in which we influence the world.

So no detail this time. Only this vague little stub to leave me piqued for next entry. I have so much to tell, and sadly, I don't think I'll catch up with everything. But I'll try.

Sincerely,
Antonio Juarez

Good day for a Blog

Good evening Blog. I write to you in relationship with the recent events and happenings in my life.
I know I have not written to you in a very long time, and I am deeply sorry for having abandoned you for so long.

As you know, however, some of my recent accomplishments are not yet open to the public, and so must remain, in the meanwhile, in silence.

So as not to lose the continuity of my records, I'll start off where my life's events begin to lose their state of secrecy - the final days of July and the beginning ones of August. I'll have to move quickly through time - please forgive me if my description lacks detail (and if it has too much, as well) :)

I came back to Guatemala on July the 25th with my mom, and came back home. After our impromptu trip, the main subject on many of my family members' minds was my sister's upcoming wedding. Alicia, my younger 19-year old sister, was to be married on Saturday, wAugust the 11th. With my family members scattered across the continent, this occasion managed to bring us all back together again. My brother Marcos, my dad, and my brother Pedro all came several days before the wedding. My sister Isabel, who had been in Yale University, was last - she came the day before the wedding on the afternoon. It was a little strange to have the complete family reunited again, but nobody made such a big fuss about it. I gave them all welcome hugs and everything when they came.

Some of my family members have changed a little. Isabel, the 16-year old (now 17) is definitely having a positive change in her life. As compared to two years ago, her self-confidence is now bursting and growing very healthily, and she seems to be perpetually happy. She has also developed a more curvacious and attractive body, and seems to have slightly forgotten some of the more sophisticated words in Spanish, which she almost unconsciously replaces with the equivalent words in English. Pedro, however, showed the most drastic change. The last time I saw him, he was beginning to stretch upwards and his voice was noticeably hoarse. When he came for the wedding, however, I was a little shocked to see him. He is now only a little lower than me, his body is definitely shaping up, and his voice is even more masculine - almost as deep as mine. Everyone mentioned his quick transition from boy to... well... adolescent. (He's still only 13).

Just the night before the wedding, my sister and her soon-to-be-husband slept in the same hotel at Antigua (not in the same room, in case you're thinking what I thought when I found out...) That night, I was comfortably chatting and typing on my computer in my room when I was asked by my mom to do her an unusual favor: take one of the dresses my sister Alicia was to wear the next day to her hotel in Antigua, and stay there for the night. I was only too glad to do so - it was Friday night, and you can ask anyone and they'll tell you that Antigua is quite the party center.

So about an hour later, I was leaving for Antigua with my dress shirt and suit in the car, along with my sister's wedding dress. I had a bit of a hard time finding the hotel, but I finally got there. It was conveniently placed only a few blocks from the famous disco "La Casbah". I met with my sister, placed my stuff inside the room, told her I was going out, and left for "La Casbah". I paid Q30 to get inside, sat on the bar, ordered a free Cuba Libre included with the ticket, and slowly drank it while observing the surrounding female movement. Though attractive, the specimens seemed to always be accompanied by males, which made it unconvenient for me to make a move. After a while, lured by the trance music, I stepped onto the dancefloor and began moving and sliding as I best felt I could without hitting the surrounding dancing people. I tried to establish conversation with a couple of VERY ATTRACTIVE British girls, but they simply ignored me. I decided not to care too much about them - I just listened to the music and danced the rest of the night. I only spent about an hour dancing, but it was pretty cool. I then went back to the hotel room, with Q30 less and with much more musical relief.

The next day, the wedding day, was a series of protocolary,

*****CUT OFF BY BLOGGER NEGLIGENCE*****