heart is missing

heart is missing

I see life and in it us

and I often see our heart is missing

from the way I feel us

walking on the same sidewalk,

or sitting on the tram chair next to us

when we walk, the others are vertical logs

obstacles to keep at a distance

or to nimbly walk past

hazardous to the touch

unneeded, unhelpful nuisance

these other bulky bodies in my way

these superfluous faces that risk awkward miscommunication via distracted eye contact

another annoyance on my walk

not even my vision field is free

when I feel this of others

I do not feel their heart

for I prefer their anonymity

to the risk of unrequited caring

it feels like I'm a trapeze artist

and I don't trust my partner to catch me

"I don't know if she'll catch me! I don't know her!"

for a heart injury hurts

I mean not romance nor pheromance, mind you

I mean connection of the heart

a subtler buzz, unassuminger.

choices I see made,

tendencies in this world,

follow game theory dogmas

under which life is an adversarial game

and the world a mastermind adversary

against me and my own.

only that which I control is on my side

the rest is the adversary

that evil adversary.

the more I conquer and control

the lesser my adversary.

the less I control

the closer to defeat and death am I,

crushed by the universal adversary

whose aim is to crush me

unfulfilled and ashamed

game theory is such,

a risk minimizer

that operates on wireframe logic and incorrect models

as all models are

it disregards cooperation, unless imposed

or bartered.

it assumes universal adversarialism

me against all of you

and each of you against all of us

1000 game strategies and 1000 different stories,

1000 illusions and assumptions coagulate into truth

by the resonance of 1000 fears

the prisoners and their dilemmas

are us and our dilemmas

these fears we clutch onto

are logical and relevant and necessary

in the realm of the mind.

all information compiled and decision tree assembled

"ah, this path here is the good one. it risks losing the least.

ah yes, this path is better. It is the best.

Of course we choose this path. It is necessary.

There is no other path. It must be done."

This, a typical sharpening specificity of the mind

who flows onto empty space with uninvited assumptions

when zealous or ignorant

an easy leak through the chain link fence

of the incomplete model.

the heart is missing

while the prisoners see the world as their opponent

heart does not extend out to opponents. it contracts away

and the fear for survival overrides

whatever was there before.

those fears we clutch onto

promote not growth, but survival.

when mutually assured destruction is

a pivot on top of which society turns,

we are playing the adversarial game

and collaboration is impossible

while the ropes are taut between the forces of

defiance, fear, pride, shame, guilt, anger

the game of survival is unwinnable

it only postpones, and each time someone asks

"do we need to keep playing?",

it replies "yes, we need to continue to survive, of course. and maybe sometime soon..."

and leaves the sentence unfinished at the flicker of hope

to keep us going until next time

heart is missing

when we play to win survival

against the world that wants to harm us

when I deflate my fears

trust shows up

and frictions soften

and when, somewhat anxious, I smile at my momentaneous sidewalk partner

I trust.

Not her to acknowledge me or my smile,

to catch me on her trapeze mid-air,

nor to smile back

nor that we will end up in cordial banter

nor that I will be a better person

nor that I'm making the world a better place.

I trust that my action

is my own

to know and to ride.

I trust her reaction and emotions

are her own,

not mine to predict and control,

however much they match what the fear feared.

practicing trust takes time

one stumbles as one learns

as with all

we learn the shape of a skill by bumping into its limits

and that takes time.

talking to a nearby citizen has different risks

from those when tweaking nuclear weapon strategies.

under these situations often lie

mistrust, fear, and adversarialism.

and in both situations lies a potential

to see the fear energy, to let it go,

and to come back to trust

the smaller pairs and triads of humans can connect swiftly

for the "trust"* of only a few can be verifiable,

and not as much the "trust"* of the crowds.

perhaps we can train in these

small connected groups

via the bond of the heart

*in this context, predictability

in these we can practice

to listen, to feel, to trust our heart

with each of us, with each of the others

to reach out through the heart

between practiced small groups

to expand our connection capacities.

and to hope, with enough practice,

the survivalist's dilemma

between anxiety and action can rest,

the mind and logic can be used,

not anymore as the panacea of humankind

but as a valuable tool that

measures, analyzes, deconstructs, synthesizes, maximizes,

that also recognizes

that when human connection and cooperation is a factor,

it is valuable to listen to the heart

which offers no reason or proof for mind's fodder

but connects and knows nonetheless.

I feel that sometime, our ancestors realized also

that emotions were not a proper guideline to follow

at times

perhaps in time of anger, it did not need to explode,

perhaps in time of lust, it did not need to seize its object

and quench its craving,

perhaps twas better to wait

to choose to move the anger or lust

to imagine what else was possible, to choose what they wanted,

and to move in that direction, different from the one emotion asks for,

feeling that perhaps that obvious hot anger lump may not be a helpful guide,

trusting in their rising mental powers to guide them.

as they learned to observe their emotions, to listen, and to trust their mind,

may we learn to observe our thoughts, to listen, and to trust our heart.