heart is missing
I see life and in it us
and I often see our heart is missing
from the way I feel us
walking on the same sidewalk,
or sitting on the tram chair next to us
when we walk, the others are vertical logs
obstacles to keep at a distance
or to nimbly walk past
hazardous to the touch
unneeded, unhelpful nuisance
these other bulky bodies in my way
these superfluous faces that risk awkward miscommunication via distracted eye contact
another annoyance on my walk
not even my vision field is free
when I feel this of others
I do not feel their heart
for I prefer their anonymity
to the risk of unrequited caring
it feels like I'm a trapeze artist
and I don't trust my partner to catch me
"I don't know if she'll catch me! I don't know her!"
for a heart injury hurts
I mean not romance nor pheromance, mind you
I mean connection of the heart
a subtler buzz, unassuminger.
choices I see made,
tendencies in this world,
follow game theory dogmas
under which life is an adversarial game
and the world a mastermind adversary
against me and my own.
only that which I control is on my side
the rest is the adversary
that evil adversary.
the more I conquer and control
the lesser my adversary.
the less I control
the closer to defeat and death am I,
crushed by the universal adversary
whose aim is to crush me
unfulfilled and ashamed
game theory is such,
a risk minimizer
that operates on wireframe logic and incorrect models
as all models are
it disregards cooperation, unless imposed
or bartered.
it assumes universal adversarialism
me against all of you
and each of you against all of us
1000 game strategies and 1000 different stories,
1000 illusions and assumptions coagulate into truth
by the resonance of 1000 fears
the prisoners and their dilemmas
are us and our dilemmas
these fears we clutch onto
are logical and relevant and necessary
in the realm of the mind.
all information compiled and decision tree assembled
"ah, this path here is the good one. it risks losing the least.
ah yes, this path is better. It is the best.
Of course we choose this path. It is necessary.
There is no other path. It must be done."
This, a typical sharpening specificity of the mind
who flows onto empty space with uninvited assumptions
when zealous or ignorant
an easy leak through the chain link fence
of the incomplete model.
the heart is missing
while the prisoners see the world as their opponent
heart does not extend out to opponents. it contracts away
and the fear for survival overrides
whatever was there before.
those fears we clutch onto
promote not growth, but survival.
when mutually assured destruction is
a pivot on top of which society turns,
we are playing the adversarial game
and collaboration is impossible
while the ropes are taut between the forces of
defiance, fear, pride, shame, guilt, anger
the game of survival is unwinnable
it only postpones, and each time someone asks
"do we need to keep playing?",
it replies "yes, we need to continue to survive, of course. and maybe sometime soon..."
and leaves the sentence unfinished at the flicker of hope
to keep us going until next time
heart is missing
when we play to win survival
against the world that wants to harm us
when I deflate my fears
trust shows up
and frictions soften
and when, somewhat anxious, I smile at my momentaneous sidewalk partner
I trust.
Not her to acknowledge me or my smile,
to catch me on her trapeze mid-air,
nor to smile back
nor that we will end up in cordial banter
nor that I will be a better person
nor that I'm making the world a better place.
I trust that my action
is my own
to know and to ride.
I trust her reaction and emotions
are her own,
not mine to predict and control,
however much they match what the fear feared.
practicing trust takes time
one stumbles as one learns
as with all
we learn the shape of a skill by bumping into its limits
and that takes time.
talking to a nearby citizen has different risks
from those when tweaking nuclear weapon strategies.
under these situations often lie
mistrust, fear, and adversarialism.
and in both situations lies a potential
to see the fear energy, to let it go,
and to come back to trust
the smaller pairs and triads of humans can connect swiftly
for the "trust"* of only a few can be verifiable,
and not as much the "trust"* of the crowds.
perhaps we can train in these
small connected groups
via the bond of the heart
*in this context, predictability
in these we can practice
to listen, to feel, to trust our heart
with each of us, with each of the others
to reach out through the heart
between practiced small groups
to expand our connection capacities.
and to hope, with enough practice,
the survivalist's dilemma
between anxiety and action can rest,
the mind and logic can be used,
not anymore as the panacea of humankind
but as a valuable tool that
measures, analyzes, deconstructs, synthesizes, maximizes,
that also recognizes
that when human connection and cooperation is a factor,
it is valuable to listen to the heart
which offers no reason or proof for mind's fodder
but connects and knows nonetheless.
I feel that sometime, our ancestors realized also
that emotions were not a proper guideline to follow
at times
perhaps in time of anger, it did not need to explode,
perhaps in time of lust, it did not need to seize its object
and quench its craving,
perhaps twas better to wait
to choose to move the anger or lust
to imagine what else was possible, to choose what they wanted,
and to move in that direction, different from the one emotion asks for,
feeling that perhaps that obvious hot anger lump may not be a helpful guide,
trusting in their rising mental powers to guide them.
as they learned to observe their emotions, to listen, and to trust their mind,
may we learn to observe our thoughts, to listen, and to trust our heart.
