daily dairy diary

Dear Daily Dairy Diary,

Today I drank over 2L of plant milk. Half a liter of rice milk, one liter of spelt milk, and just under one liter of oat milk. I like how Alnatura has diversified the grain it sources for its plant milks, although I barely taste the difference between one and the other. All I really seek is the whitish liquid creaminess that soaks up my bowled cereal and makes it fun to slurp my food in rather than needing to actually chew it. Even the half kilo of Corn Flakes I ate today feels light and smooth for my digestion.

Power ceremony

• What to do with this resentment?
• FEEL IT. THEN LET IT GO.
• REVENGE IS POINTLESS. IT ONLY FEEDS A LEAKY BUCKET.
• LET ME LIVE A FULLNESS. HEADING INTO MY FEARS, FOLLOWING MY DESIRES. LETTING GO OF ATTACHMENTS TO SECURITIES. TO MY SEXUAL IDENTITY. TO MY FINANCIAL IDENTITY. TO MY RESIDENTIAL IDENTITY AND SECURITY.
• What of the pains of my ancestors? Who made this body through the generations?
• FEEL THE PAIN. AND THEN LIVE. DETACH FROM THE PAST. IT DOES YOU NO WELL.
• LET GO OF ANY BONDS YOU KEEP WITH THE WORLD OUT OF FEAR. IF ANY REMAIN, MAY THEY BE FROM LOVE. DISCERN FEAR FROM LOVE. FEEL THE PAIN, THEN LIVE. LET GO OF BONDS WITH US OUT OF FEAR. WE ARE FREE AND SO ARE YOU...
• Mother, what of your repression, and the pain you lived?
• FEEL THE PAIN AND LIVE. LET US LIVE OUR LIVES IN FREEDOM.
• Dad, what of your sexual shame?
• FEEL THROUGH THE FEAR AND LIVE. HIS FEARS ARE HIS OWN. JUST LIVE.

shell

The Underworld

There I found a shell

made up of the shoulds in me, for me,

I had not noticed yet

A mixture of the need to have meaning

and the learning that man pleases woman

that man has a woman

matches to a woman

Disney stories

That woman is attracted to man

That that's what is worthy in a man

They Poxipol'd together into a thick

smooth shell

that did not let me move in or into

the space of

"There is an opportunity to connect with a woman and I do not take it".

It was a strong, focused urge

that pulled me to an attractive woman

irresistibly

like the ocean moves a leaf

"must have. must take. that is my role".

"If we connect, I will satisfy and feed myself

with the squeeze of her breasts

and the soft of her skin

and the taste of her juices

with her sweet smile and her laughter

with the colors and curls that dress her

with her concave yoni shape

into which I can come into

feel invited and rejoice

and be her world and love and ecstasy

and feel worthy

for now and forever".

The reality was closer to

"I feel unworthy if I do not have you.

More specifically, if you do not want me

the way I want you to want me

with need, with thirst.

I want you to fall irresistibly into me

so I can have you forever

and never feel unworthy again

and never feel lonely, unfit

unbelonging again".

Because by myself I felt incomplete

unworthy

un-developed

un-deserving of this healthy male body

that COULD give so much love and pleasure

and didn't find a vessel.

Just a story. In truth,

I don't need to please woman.

It is not my Life-given purpose.

I don't need to want woman.

Such a need is a noose around my neck.

My sexual and romantic attractions remain true

and I am not an unworthy loser if they are not fulfilled

and I am not a worthy winner stud if they are fulfilled

I remain me.

The outcome means and proves nothing about me.

There is no proof.

There is no test.

No castle we build makes us win the sandbox.

Sandbox it continues

and its sand keeps flowing

Before us

through us

after us

after our joys and our expectations and our disappointments

we merely are

and play