Chaos

the energy wrought during chaos can expand, express in any direction. With no direction, with absolute discontrol, it explodes into the vast space around it, a cloud of dust heat all that remains from the energy brought out.

Last night the expression of chaos was shared in groups of people. We each shared our one word we intended to let go of. Anger. Another word I do not remember. Insecurity. Summarized into fear. We danced it, and we did not listen to each other while doing so. Each of us melded into the chaos of our bodies, the explosions of our movements. "Trust your movement", Gisela said. And so my body followed. The curves my arms traced through the air, like a twig upon the surface of the water, felt the delicious friction of the air it brushed and the muscles it celebrated and honored. The body allowed to go fluid, to go anywhere, to explode with all its repressed energy.
And yet, each time my eye caught sight of my group, it remembered a bond. A direction. "Ah, yes, I belong there now", it felt. And my body knew it. And such a direction guided the exploding energy. Instead of aiming at all directions and diffusing through the nowhere, my body knew to direct its energy into this direction. It expressed the energy through velocity, moved through the group and beyond, always expressing, with its own space, with its own intention. And when it felt somewhat diffused or lost again, again it caught sight of the group and took its direction as a beacon to guide the energy again. Harness it, direct it.

Like gravity. A force that exerts its constant pull. calm, constant, powerful. It forms a bond with the body, and the body expresses and lives and shouts its energy at its will. And when it feels lost, seeks direction, it has a direction. It *has* a direction. It is not a unique object floating in nothingness. We are surrounded and cushioned and bonded to and *seen*... *seen* by all around us. However much chaos explodes and energy is used to create, a moment, a gap of attention, and the force will again show itself, and pull. A guide, a reference for anyone lost. A leash to one seeking absolute freedom? Last night, I felt it a guide.

Stan said (& others)s

Things said:

* The danger in labeling that, for instance, as a palm tree, is that it immediately labels the rest of the world as not-a-palm-tree.

* I feel like a lightning rod. Like I can absorb all the energies around me, and remain in my center, because I am strongly connected to my ground.

* ...so I attempted to get out of the circle for a full half hour, wrestling physically with everyone, who wouldn't let me out. And after fighting for this time, I was exhausted, and dropped on the floor. The leader then motioned everyone to leave, and so they left me lying down on the ground alone. And I felt... absolutely powerless. I looked to the other side of the room, and I thought: "If a herd of elephants now just came here, and was stampeding in my direction, there is absolutely nothing I could do." And I realized that I had always been afraid of being powerless. And now, when I was there, I thought "oh, this is it to be powerless? This isn't so bad :)".

* I am a number 6 in the ennealogy, so much of my life pivoted around fears. There are two types of number 6's - one of them runs away from their fears, while the other faces them. Always in my life, when I encountered a fear, I would face it, walk into it.

* What I encountered with Sally is joy. She has a joyful manner of living, and I found myself integrating that part of herself into my life.

* Boredom is so lazy, it never walks alone. It always rides on the legs of fear (Gregory Nye).

I feel

• I feel strong desire to connect with people and to care for them. It is in my nature.
• I feel strong want to help and be recognized as valuable. It is a habit I learned when being helpful was the only way I managed closeness with people.
• If I do not feel helpful, I sometimes feel inadequate to connect, as if I have not "paid my dues" to connect.
• I feel strong want of physical intimacy with women. My sexual desire is intense by nature. Long repressed, it most often boils in desperation.
• My desire to connect and care for others is dampened by the pain accumulated at some time, of being ignored, rejected, laughed at between friends while meaning "what does THIS guy think he's doing?"
• I feel afraid to relive this pain. The pain is sharp, and now when I see people I would like to connect with, I feel a pull to slide away instead of expressing my interest. I even forget the desire to connect in that moment. And after I pull away, moments later, I feel "ahh... I would've liked to stay". And that hurts too - an inability to actually move towards what I am looking for, because I somehow make myself forget.
• I feel confusion when I begin to connect with a woman. Between the primal desire to connect, the feeling to pull away, the muted fear of the imagined pain of rejection, the looking for ways to be seen as helpful, and the desperate pull towards physical intimacy, also split between caring touch and sexual fulfillment, I know not what I do.
• I feel shame about this seeming inability to connect, likely silly to others apter at it. I feel sadness about the connection potential lost in this lifetime.
• I feel fear of experimenting on these feelings with women I do not know, for I feel fear of causing fear.
• I feel fear of ruining the potential of a relationship that could've been turned out delicious, had I not experimented on it.
• And I do not know what to do.