tired

Tired of this song
That just goes on and on
It keeps coming back to the dark hollows
where sadness & anger & regret sizzle
and at times boil to surface

And I
don't
know
how
to
fix them
fill them
breathe into them
I do that
they remain open
alive
seeping pus & blood
now and then

Take space from my breath
suffocate some times
pressure in throat
desire to say
speak
shout
cry
Restrains
when it finds no destination
How silly, isn't it
It thinks
If I were to speak to no one!
To shout into unhearing air
uncaring fluids
Incompassionate non-humans
Wouldn't it?
Thinks mind. Thinks throat.

Restraint
The social net of tradition and norm
Restraint
The image my mind still aims to uphold
With its weak and buckling knees of caring
Like Atlas the world
It holds
Holds
when the waves of sadness come
Holds
when the gales of uncertainty shake me
Holds
when the storms of blame rip my sails
Holds
when the rivers of rage course and inflame the veins of my being
Holds
and it Hurts
the stopvalve Hurts
yet Holds

It SO MUCH DOES NOT WANT TO HOLD
yet Holds

such strong barriers are the first ones weaved
in the trunks forged while still tender beings, on the pliant stems of our growth.

hah
haaah
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh

oh please
stop
holding
please
unhold
PLEASE

I plead myself

anger

rage
old rage
alleviated by soothing plucking guitar music
such rage

rose from sadness
a regretful sadness
old too
they lie in deep parts of me
rose when my being
found a channel to throw my blame at
to spike sadness into blame into anger
then expression lay still
as it found itself admist a myriad social traditions and regulations
and ineptitude of
expression of anger
expression of anger
how to express anger?

fear of hurt
fear of damage
fear of unwanted attention
some
fear of out-of-context
irrelevance
it wants though
wants
WANTS
to show
this anger

and now
in an airplane
sky around me
a hundred passengers around
I know not how to express
this
THIS
is how I express
body wants more
expression
EXPRESSION
DANCE

regret at not allowing my body to express
its anger
remembrance of acceptance
attempt to equate
now and memory
acceptance of this
now

such a languid anger
perhaps made languid
through my trained repression
so languid
to sleep

llueve

hoy llueve incertidumbre
y mi mente no encuentra asilo
entre las imaginaciones de romance
ni en bocados urgentes sin hambre

sin encontrar asilo, lanza
el mundo deseado al subjuntivo
con la deseada certidumbre
es esta tensión
hacia el subjuntivo
que duele
que confunde