Self-Evaluation

Evaluation

Why did I do the things I did?

in life.

As a teenager, how did I decide to study japanese abacus, then special saturday Mathematics classes at the university? Why?

Travel. My dad. My dad's pushes on mathematics were the catapults that bolstered my changes in the world every few years.

That is how I grew to be the best kid in school, happy to help, but often rejected and disliked by other kids who were not as proficient in the topic. Proud but unable to show it, I molded a strong mask of benignity.

But I decided nothing at those times. I just went to school, did homework, avoided bullies, got good grades, tied my self-esteem to those same grades. And then Las Américas happened, and Prof. Danilo singled Manfredo and I for the Math olympiads. Which triggered the principal taking us to abacus classes, us meeting Kira, and us attending a weekly class to refine our mental agility and calculation. I was excited with it at first, especially as I made quick progress, but later I still kept going. Even when my schoolmates made fun of me. Even when I wasn't as excited anymore, after level 6, I seem to recall. The exercises had simply become longer and longer, the fun sail-through of the problems became actual challenges, and I didn't want to go anymore. Why did I keep going?

My mom, I think. She always seemed to push/coerce us into attending. With my scant social circle, it might have taken the role of my after-school play environment. But I decided to accept her decision, and so I went to abacus classes til late into my high school years.

But Math classes. I won a first place at the National Math Olympiad... then suddenly I got this letter to receive math classes at a University. What????? My ego was bloated, I was curious, and I remember my mom still pushed me to go. I was uneasy about it - I knew about the strong correlation between my nerdy, impopular social image and Mathematics, and I remember I would not have gone myself. But my parents half-coerced me also, and I was curious anyway.

But why did I keep going? I passed a test, I did well on later classes... but it was taking my Saturdays away! And not just mornings... my afternoons were also spent there. But... they had mentioned a treat, to me outworldly and amazing - the selected Guatemalan team would travel to Romania to participate in the International Mathematics Olympiad in July. And that was it. I wanted that.

THAT is why I kept going, and did not eventually simply refuse to go any further. The travel. Not the math. The math was good - other fun exercises, more games to entertain the mind with, puzzles. But it was most certainly not my aim. In those days, I aimed for girls, social acceptance, and wild dreams like traveling far. The first two I'd called tough luck on already, but suddenly a wild dream was possible! And... well why not??? So I gave it my all.

And so forth for the following years. Korea, Washington DC, Uruguay, El Salvador? Amazing. They all happened. And that was it, really. Math itself was the optional factor. Great, fun, and door-opening, but not my primary appeal.

Then I studied Computer Science... almost on a whim. Being pragmatic, I'd guess. And then I simply finished that major.

Then the green card. That was chance.

And then several failed scholarship applications. And then.... Austin. Why did I go to Austin instead of teaching English at Singapore? Timing..... the desire of dipping my toes in comfort, and just trying it out. Acknowledging life's precise timing, I guess.

Then I left.. Carnegie Mellon. Why? A push from Luis von Ahn. And a big "well, why not?" thought in my head. Basically, a free distinguished graduate degree, plus knowledge, in exchange of my time. Years, but just time. Why not? So I went for it.

Then I went out. Why? Found no passion. Then accident. That was chance. Then back to school. Why? No attractiver plans, especially in my still-healing conditions.

Then I left at the Masters. Why? Because it was enough for me... I found no passion and I wanted to live.

Then one year traveling. Why? Just because I wanted to. Why not?

Then....... ahhhhh Google. Another resigned acknowledgement to Life's precise timing, and letting go of my passionate yet tenuous grasp on a zinging life. And to its representation of my inner desires. I succumbed again.

And again I lack passion. And perhaps now.. just finally... I realize that stretching out farther and farther for material success, job, position, stability........ is only auxiliary to the passion of a person. And if this passion is missing............. then decisive change might be coming.

Plans

yes as much as I don't like to ad mit it,
I make palns
I plan, I think of alternatives, I branch out into possibilities, unthought-of scenarios, seek out the best one, keep searching, optimize, re-optimize, think about them more, I make plans. I do, even if I don't like to admit it. (Yes, Maria, I'm thinking of you when I say this).

Because making plans is not "spontaneous", it's "lame" sometimes. But when you have goals, and your mind is set on achieving those goals, plans help, you see. They blueprint your way to what you want. It's a puzzle, a game to solve, and a successful plan is very satisfactory when it happens.

So I make plans because at some point in my life, I had goals. I had objectives, dreams, desires to do so much, to go places, to do things, to meet people. And some I accomplished, some I didn't. Some with plans, some without. But the plans certainly helped. They helped me jump from branch to branch, swing myself to the next step. Always the next step. Forward, forward. Driven by desire, guided by my plans. And the thrill of it burned inside me always.

And then... just before launching myself off to the next branch, this shiny little treehouse appeared on a closer branch. Just like I once imagined I could have. And I though, "eh, I could use some rest, I guess". So I signed into the treehouse, took my time, and I've been reveling in its comfort for over two thirds of a year now. Exactly two thirds, if I estimate correctly. And how do I feel?

Incomplete.

What to do when desires fade, when people leave, when your connections spread too far and too thin to keep close touch with? When distance dilutes trust and companionship, and you're left staring at the ceiling every night, silently desperate for purpose and companionship in this life that seems to have gone slow and cold?

I sought help. I received a promise, and for 5 or 6 months I've held on to that promise. And that just made me stagnate, waiting for a moment that never came during this year. 10 days are left for it to happen, and I'll guess that it simply won't. But finally, I do hope, I will be free to have new goals and plans again, even if that means signing out of this shiny new treehouse, and jumping off to other unknown branches. Life is for the living, you know...

Dentist thoughts

ok. soooo....

dentist is
applying
a needle
ouch
OUCH
"are you ummmummmm....
uuuhuuuu...

ohhh..... stingy sensation
right on my left cheek.
ouch.
she's being very gentle
so gentle
still, the sting doesn't go away.
I taste the anesthetic gel on my inside cheek.
She massages the cheek as the needle is inside.
Very gentlly.
Thank you for being gentle.
Second neele....
OUCH.
SHE SAYS THAT I CAN BRING MUSIC THE NEXT TIME,
THAT I CAN BRING MY OWN HEADPHONES
AND LISTEN TO MUSIC
I SAID I DON'T MIND.
I RAELLY DONT
I PREFER TO BE THE WRITER, THE EMITTER, THAN THE RECEIVER.
I MEAN, MUSIC IS GREAT AN D ALL...
SOME FABRIZIO PATERLINI, PERHAPS


BUT HAVE IT ASSOCIATE
THOSE FEELINGS
OF PLEASANT MUSIC
WITH STINGING SENSTION OF THE ANESTHSIA, AND MY TEETH BEING DRILLED...
NAH...
I WOULDN'T LIKE THAT.
MUSIC WOULDN'T smooth todwn th eprocess...

the sensations would contaminate the experience of the music... the dentist experience would make the msuic memories...
a bit more painful
a bit more futile, useless...


oh well
ahhh
all injections are in
no going back now.
or at least little point to it.
unless....
for some reason, I did not trust the procedure
but I do.
well, cavities
are not a good thing to have
right?

huh.
so now I'm at the dentist
my left cheek is numb
the dentist is gone for now.
waiting for the numbness to expand into my mouth.
To be ocmplete.
feels pretty complete.
it feels funny when I swallow my saliva.
Like... ticklish.
But this is the first time I've done this.
Typing at the dentist.
Typing at the dentist.
Well, what to write about?
I dunno.
PRobably the sensations that are to come.

wow.
And I'm listenting to...
Osyris Goa Madness!! 20212, I think?
Ahh, alone iwth my thoughts.
Similar to whne I went to Jai's and Shanti's... and I was in the floating chamber for the night.
I wouldn've wanted to write my experiences then.
But I was, well, floating in a solution of calcium something something that looked white, and water.
Having a computer there woudl've provided more problems thn I might've had time to solve at theat particular instance of time.
But the dentist...
that's a new one.
The dentist seems impressed that


The dentist seems impressed that I can type without looking.Well... when you type all day...
I gues you get used to it.
Oh well...
dentist is coming at me.with a tin , very fine drill...
she's drilling into my left lower tooth.
ouch.
ouch.
I'm suppsoed to be anesthesized.
But OUCH.
OUCH
it still hurts.

OW.
And MORE drill.
freaking tiny drill...
metals... they've made our lives so much different, huuh.
We're now capable of cutting, drilling, bashing into anythig.
Almost anything.
The smiths of the world, the humns.

And now of my teeth.
Such ahrd material.
but still we... well they... can drill right through it.
With a little practice and a few years of education.
OUCH.
OUCH.
I wonder if she anesthesized me correctly.
It still hurts.
This really does remind me of the Nacirema.
Rituals that we follow because we believe that
if we don't go to the dentist, our teeth will rot and fall off.

Ah, more drill..
nothing much more to say here.
stinging pain of moderate intensity... not enoguh to cry out loud, or to cry in agony...
but enough to feel it, for sure.

So she's placing the filling in.
Composite, they say.
Is it that grey thing that I see on many of the bottom of my teeth?
bottoms, I might say.
well, it' hard to type without looking.

Could I just pass this text through google spell check and be done with it?
Probably, but with little sense. How much for a Google semantic check?
Not about money, of course.
But perhaps quantifiableby other means. Time. Reosurces.
Man hours. Lines of code. Gigabytes of data needed for training?
My brain is so functional, and it receives os many painful signals
and I say "it's ok, it's ok, baby"... like a child who doesn't want to... eat his broccoli, go to school, brush his teeth.... am I the "forethoughtful" entity, nwo? Like a stereotypical overprotetcive parent? For my brain?

Seems degrading.

Anyway...
She's doing something with fillings and stuff. And her assistant is to my left, doing other stuff.
Holding tools, mostly.
Ready for the dentist to pick them up.

They're gentle.....




And Osyris keeps sounding in my ears.

Eu is on my mid.
Eu.
Hurts her for me to not love her with all my might.
But right now, We're talking about the hobbit.

She's excited about it too... looking forward to go see it.

But Eu...
ripping a connection so... objectively?
Aren't I the objective guy.
And Eu was passionate. PAASSIOANTE.
She lived her words... she photographed the beauty she wsaw... tried to capture it. Embraced every moment. Still does. And I don't feel guilty that I partook in her hurt. We both grow. Ah... but the nostalgia.
Nostalgia/bittersweet emotions of unmet love. Unmet by whom? She loved me... no denying that. Did I love her? No. I liked her. I admired her. I saw in her many of the attriutes I've seen in me, that I want someone else to have and to like me. Then why not? Why not? Well.....
She live sin Guatemala. I live inCalifornia.Distane. Siple geographical location. Is that it? Why is that enough of a separator?

Seconds can make the whole difference.
I met her in 209.
I was not who I am.
She was not who she is.
Yet we connected. And we connected again.
Why did she decided to connect with me? Why???
5 years, and she contacts me. And cno conection. No reminder. Yes, I found a connection. I didn't know it had hit her hard too.

Ah, women.
Women.
Women.
This year, a few.
Very few "mutual".
But feeligns arose.
And I am greateful for that.
Amanda.
Maria
Mo :)
Cathy
Alice
Eugenia
And then secondary ones... maybe? That I thought of but never really amounted to anyting at all...
Lourdes, Lulu, Hou Lulu, the Montse?
Leibs has been kind... even if from afar.
Oh wow, Inés (virtually, of course)
Lajja
And Jingyi, I've considered... and then unconsidered.
Good times?
Good times.


Ahh... the toothpaste
i'ts comforting when I know that something is not
drilling into my body. Where it's not designed to be drilled into.
so now.. deep cleaning.
cleaning the upper teeth.
ahh, but the anestehsia is tin the lower teth.
won't hat still hurt, then?
I don't know.
OUCH. Yes, it hurts.
I guess indeed.
this part is not anesthesized.
Deep cleaning.
How deep?
50, deep?
Nah, don't think so.
50dmm, perhaps.
Osyris is tstill sounding good.

Ah, but girls.
Girls.
One of the more interesting parts of this year
was
Diana
the psychic
telling me that
I would meet THE SOULMATE
sometime this year
THIS YEAR?
well, not much time is left.
If it doesn't ahppen tomorrow at the paty
I've no idea where it will be.
Here's to hoping.
To ahppiness
adventures
long life
Learning
Glory
Creativitiy
Wealth
Health
and Love
CHEERS
Ahh, they were serving champagne at the office.
I wonder if I can drink anything now tthat I go back.
It might be not recomended.
I"not recommended".
it si different to not recomend something,
than to recomend not to do something.
negations, negations.
where to place the negation
in the syntatcit tree?
Which positionings of negations are equivalent between each other?
Just need to calculate how many places are there to place negations in...
and if that number is K
C_K^2. k*(k+1)/2.
Geometric construction, it seems.
OUCH.
OUCH.
Deep cleaning is urting a bit.
Why do I need such deep cleaning?
Why do I need such deep cleaning?
taratr control.?
Oh yes
ETHEL
I forgot about her.
How's she doing?
I liked her a lot.
Great girl.
But she's so far away.
I wonder if she'll get a job around here... that'd b epromsiing.

the cofee girl at Caffe Romanza.
Sex: one.
Kissses: one.

favorite?
If I could pick one...
huh, good question.
for what?
A "girl" for what?
Advnetures and exciting life: Maria.
Spirititual search: Alice.
Sharing of experiences and travel: Mo.
Steady life and happy sharing of academic reaping, job, and occasional advnetures: Ethel.

ahh, still deep cleaning.

it must've beene at least 30 minutes by now.
40 maybe.
And my appointment window was one hour long.
Can't be long now.
Shouldn't be long.
Please.
It's not hurting that much.
But just being here.
At the mercy of
a few steel drills
and two men having casual conversation
I know thye're capable
but it still feels... just...
ugh... powerless..
Belize.
Imagine being in Belize.
Surrounded by the sun, the palm trees, the sand, the oceanwater, and marine life everywhere.
Salty water, beautiful girls everywhere.
Minas, les dice Pablo.

I have old composite, she says.
And now she drills.
Again?
Please don't take anything essential out of there.
Or imprortant.
Anything that holds my teth in the right place.
OUCH. again.
drill drilling
dentists talking.
Fragile teeth.
Edible, apparently.
By bacteria that want to eat up the nerve.


And If Life by you passes,
and it slips out your hand,
you'll probably want a do-over,
but of those, I've ain't seen.
Not yet.

P.S: And I forgot about Loredana. I even saw Echo, but nothing going on there. And about to see Scarlet soon. And I also met Juliet at the Google SPCE Holiday Party! She's nice and pretty :)