Loredana

And another infatuation. Loredana, from Moldovia.
But she was so, so, so easy-going, friendly, and she wanted to hug! Me! Great feeling of acceptance :)
Then she left. I did too.
What might happen?
Everything.
Anything.
May we connect further.
May we click.
and want to be with each other.
I wish
because I'm tired of not wishing.

Entitled

Go.
So what I am doing now?

I'm sitting at a cafe,
eating
food
fruit salad
half a sandwich
peach french soda

but
what am I doing?
to what intent?

Seeking out...
what?
I mean,
I have this whole day to myself
well,
brunch at 11 with Amir and Laleh
but afterwards,
so much time
and so little intention
what...
what...
what...
and at times I have all these things
that I want to do..
but now....
that I have all this time...
I do none of it????????
What is up with me?
so many things I want to do
practice
or at least be
or have done
read
lobsang rampa, the third eye
F.O.A.
Rumi
The Book of Hours.
practice
the violin
dancing
physical exercise
singing
go out
biking
hiking
to the beach
to Santa Cruz beach, with the concerts
to San Francisco

but what I actually do is
lay in my bed, turn my laptop on,
and watch Netflix
or facebook
or other videos I'd rather not mention here.
in a grotesque show
of willful sloth.
Why???

I know why.
Or at least I know the what the first barrier is.
My own
stubbornness
entitlement
to what Diana the psychic foresaw.
I'll meet my soulmate?
Ok.
When?
"soon"
So vague.
But it'll happen "soon".
So..
it'll happen soon.
And I feel anxious.
And wait
And await
And await
and await
and don't want to do anything else
BECAUSE
I'm waiting
I want THAT
I want company
a girl
a partner
to do stuff with
to talk about stuff with
to share anything and everything with.
And nothing else
is
a
satisfactory
replacement
or even distraction
for that moment.
And the effort I'd expend,
pleasurable and productive as it might've been (without Diana's prediction)
is barely even a pale shadow
in comparison

but so now
I wait
and wait
let time flow right in front of me
without even wanting to dip my toes in.
Because I'm waiting for something to show up
in that river.
Be faster, flow.
FASTER
Bring her
NOW!!

Maria Trip

Aaaaaand... it's September.
The seventh month. Yeah, right. (In a sarcastic tone if you so feel it).

Monday. Labor Day. Holiday. Indoors, alone, and I find no current focus. So... I thought to write.

No inner force pushing me to. No quiet anxiety urged to trap the freshness of the moment. It's simply been a long time since my last narration, and I do so enjoy reading them afterwards.

Recapping. Graduated from my Masters in CMU, lived in a farm for a month, bought a car, went to Montana Rainbow Gathering, stayed 3 weeks in an intentional community in Oregon, drove to the World Rainbow Gathering in Canada, drove to PA for my cousin's wedding, drove to CO for my brother's wedding, worked in Austin for a month, got contacted by Google, flew to Guatemala, met Aparna at San Marcos La Laguna, flew to Pittsburgh to find closure with Laura, NE roadtrip with Carlos & gang, interview at Google, flew to Singapore with Amanda, backpacked through Malaysia and Thailand, flew to Guatemala in a hurry, stayed for a month, got job offer from Google, moved to Mountain View, flew to China for 2 weeks to meet Echo and Scarlet, and flew back to Mountain View. Caught up!

Now it just so happened that back in November I had told Sharon, my landlady from Austin that I'd be flying to Southeast Asia sometime soonish. Then in December she sends me an email saying "hey, I know this nurse that works with me, she's also going to Southeast Asia soon, I think you'd super-get along, and she's hot. Talk to her! Maybe you can sync your trips!", along with her facebook link. Our trip dates didn't sync up, but when we actually got to talking, she was AWESOME. I LOVED finding her on facebook and sharing what we liked to do and listen and aim for in Life. We clicked awesomely, and I could tell that she liked me from afar.

So after coming back from China, still 10 days away from my job start date, she flies over to meet me! So that was awesome. My apartment had 2 (perhaps one too many) bedrooms, so there was enough space for everyone. She brought her violin, also! So we were able to practice and play a little before taking a roadtrip out through the woods of Northern California.

........
no, I don't want to relive it. Not yet, at last. It was great and happy, but it still pinches my heart when I go too deep into it. For the sake of the story, though: we went to Stanford one day and lay on the grass, then I went to have lunch with my future team at Google on Monday noon, and after that we packed up on stuff from Trader Joe's, and went out camping!

We stopped in San Francisco on the way. Parked near Haight & Ashbury, found a friendly salesman, spent $40, drove up further north to Muir Woods, and spent the night camped up in a hill. Actually, we walked downhill and up the street looking at the full lunar eclipse that just happened to be that very night. It was, at the time, a magical happyning. 

Words

Sometimes I write to communicate,
sometimes I write to record.
Sometimes I write to praise,
Sometimes to stories hoard.

Sometimes I write for others,
Sometimes I write for me.
Sometimes I write for those
I think I could help be.

Sometimes I write to show off,
sometimes I write me to sleep.
Sometimes I write to shout,
sometimes I write to weep.

Sometimes my mind just wanders
and wants to trace its path.
Sometimes my heart just flounders
and finds words helpful grasp.

Sometimes I whisper secrets
sometimes I burst in joy.
Sometimes I seek to uncover mysteries,
and sometimes words are my toy.

Sometimes I write in colors
sometimes in white and black.
And sometimes in words I conceal
my pain, fear, spite, or wrath.

Sometimes my words debug me,
sometimes they paint me inside.
Sometimes they come and hug me,
long after I've let them fly.

Sometimes words paint a moment
sometimes they make you feel.
Sometimes they sound like music,
sometimes they help me heal.

Sometimes they come in torrent,
sometimes like playful stream.
and sometimes I dig a desert
to seek a drop lost in between.

Sometimes I offer gratitude,
sometimes I profess love.
and at times I just imagine
what it all looks like from above.

Anyway, words, I'm grateful,
You've helped me find this Now.
Thanks.

Butterfly

I feel my heart is a butterfly,
fluttering whichway
over a wide landscape,
seeking a colorful
flower to repose on,
to love.

Upon sight, it hovers,
looks for a spot to land.
Quiet, meek, cautious,
it lands on a petal, S-O careful not to
stir her still.

SO careful. SO afraid.
Because you know
dear butterfly
that when flower feels touched
when she feels your thin legs
slide the slightest caress on her petal,
she turns away and closes
or shakes you off in frenzy
hurls you into the wind
or down onto the ground,
and proves to you
again
that you were right.

And dear butterfly, I feel your weariness.
your light wings look worn,
your flutter feels tired,
your flight now seems frail.

As higher you fly,
more tired you feel,
and harder you fall.

I remember when you flew
so high and so graceful
you played with the winds
and aimed for the stars.

You used to sparkle with
such love and life
now you wonder how much of it still
shines through your scars.

And though the firm soil can always
accommodate your rest,
by staying there, you know,
you'll see those colors no more
fly no more
forget the wind
forget your flutter
forget the stars
forget your wings
forget the colors
forget the flowers
forget your love
except as bitter remnants
of a faded dream.

Please keep flying.

Veggie Panini

I need no WiFi to say
what seeps from me this moonlit night
I came here drowned in loneliness,
unsure of what to seek.
Company? Half-second eye contact
with passing strangers on the street?
Some casual words with
a merchant, here and there?

I came from caged solitude,
seeking solitude among the crowd.
Instead, I found
a lovely server
who makes paninis with love,
and cuts avocados in small pieces
and lays them artfully on warm, toasty bread.

"Peach french soda", I said.
"Oh yes, I remember you", she muttered in the other direction, feigning indirection, perhaps?
"Thanks for the recommendation", I said as she served me my fruit salad.
"So how have you been?", when I came up to the counter to order once more.
"A vegetarian panini."
"Are you vegetarian?"
"Why yes!"
"I am too! I've struggled with it for quite a while, I've been going back and forth, until I got sick of it, you know."
"So how long now?"
"A few months now. And now, I find it repulsive to, you know, eat flesh".

Minutes later, while grabbing a straw,
"You make a really good panini, by the way"
"Thank you! I do it with love :)"
"hehe", I said, before my later shadowboxing: "I should have said 'I can tell :)'"

And when I came up to order a muffin, I felt and said apologetically,
"I've been feeling a little weird today"
"Oh yeah, I've had those days too" "May I ask what its' about?"
"Well, just personal stuff, you know", looking around vaguely, not sure how to summarize it in a short amount of time.

And then my mind was hitting itself, thinking of a dozen other things to have said. Why don't we get second chances to say it? Third chances? Magical hourglasses like Hermione had? Would love that.

Just before leaving,
"What's a Mexican Mocha?"
"Just like a Mocha, but with cinnamon syrup in it. It's not too spicy."
"I'll have one."
"Do you want whipped cream?"
"Yes, please".
"You're like, YES OF COURSE! :)"
"Of course :)", I replied in a tardy echo.

I drank it quickly, and then was putting everything together.
"Wow", she said, coming out. "The other guy asked me 'is he leaving? But he just ordered!'"
"Well, I'm a very good drinker :) It was delicious too, thank you!"
"Well, I hope to see you again around here :)"
"Me too! Are you here often?"
"Pretty much, about five days a week now. Mostly the evening shift, because, I don't do the breakfast shift"
"Oh awesome, then I'll see you around some other time! Bye!"

Soothing words from The Prophet and F.O.A. were like balm to my stinging heart.
You are like the ocean, and like the ocean, you cannot hasten your tides.
In your winter you deny your spring,
but the spring is not offended, and just reposes quietly in you, smiling, ready to be reborn.

Then after one toilet break,
an aimless wander brought me to
a wonderful corner of the bookstore:
the children's section! Where I found "A Story of buildings", wonderfully illustrated, and fathomed it a gift for my brother's children.

Hours, other fantastical books, and three online conversations later (which I had yearned for, but never received all day, while in my apartment), I emerged from that room, bought that book, and came out of the bookstore, hoping still to catch a glimpse of the amber-eyed lovely café server. I didn't, since she was upstairs, and I found myself shy to go upstairs and buy something else to eat (as my stomach's now satiated). But I hope to see her tomorrow. Hope, the soother of all troubles, released from Pandora's box ages ago, as I read today in "Greek Myths".

My heart still yearns company and close conversation.
But it feels a clearer glimpse of hope now. Or at least a bright silver bath of moonlight, the lively salsa beat of a nightclub next block, and the mixed sounds of people roaming, seeking mirth in downtown nightlife. Company too, perhaps. If only there were a kindergarten teacher that paired us up to talk and play, just as there was years ago. Abundant free will and choices seem to lead to abundant nonchalance. And the solitary find little communal energy to trigger bonds with others.

Let's see what else there is here tonight.

Failed rant

Aaaaaand... it's September.
The seventh month. Yeah, right. (In a sarcastic tone if you so feel it).

Monday. Labor Day. Holiday. Indoors, alone, and I find no current focus. So... I thought to write.

No inner force pushing me to. No quiet anxiety urged to trap the freshness of the moment. It's simply been a long time since my last narration, and I do so enjoy reading them afterwards.

Recapping. Graduated from my Masters in CMU, lived in a farm for a month, bought a car, went to Montana Rainbow Gathering, stayed 3 weeks in an intentional community in Oregon, drove to the World Rainbow Gathering in Canada, drove to PA for my cousin's wedding, drove to CO for my brother's wedding, worked in Austin for a month, got contacted by Google, flew to Guatemala, met Aparna at San Marcos La Laguna, flew to Pittsburgh to find closure with Laura, NE roadtrip with Carlos & gang, interview at Google, flew to Singapore with Amanda, backpacked through Malaysia and Thailand, flew to Guatemala in a hurry, stayed for a month, got job offer from Google, moved to Mountain View, flew to China for 2 weeks to meet Echo and Scarlet, and flew back to Mountain View. Caught up!

Now it just so happened that back in November I had told Sharon, my landlady from Austin that I'd be flying to Southeast Asia sometime soonish. Then in December she sends me an email saying "hey, I know this nurse that works with me, she's also going to Southeast Asia soon, I think you'd super-get along, and she's hot. Talk to her! Maybe you can sync your trips!", along with her facebook link. Our trip dates didn't sync up, but when we actually got to talking, she was AWESOME. I LOVED finding her on facebook and sharing what we liked to do and listen and aim for in Life. We clicked awesomely, and I could tell that she liked me from afar.

So after coming back from China, still 10 days away from my job start date, she flies over to meet me! So that was awesome. My apartment had 2 (perhaps one too many) bedrooms, so there was enough space for everyone. She brought her violin, also! So we were able to practice and play a little before taking a roadtrip out through the woods of Northern California.

........
no, I don't want to relive it. Not yet, at last. It was great and happy, but it still pinches my heart when I go too deep into it. For the sake of the story, though: we went to Stanford one day and lay on the grass, then I went to have lunch with my future team at Google on Monday noon, and after that we packed up on stuff from Trader Joe's, and went out camping!

We stopped in San Francisco on the way. Parked near Haight & Ashbury, found a friendly salesman, spent $40, drove up further north to Muir Woods, and spent the night camped up in a hill. Actually, we walked downhill and up the street looking at the full lunar eclipse that just happened to be that very night. It was, at the time, a magical happyning.