Food.
Sep 25
What am I doing?
(The Sequel (Again))
I'm about to dine at Ma Fischer's Restaurant, and I keep thinking about choices, times, people, places, parents, learning. And.... what to do. How best to proceed. How?
Expression of current context:
Unemployed, educated in Computer Science, fairly unskilled in most other areas but desirous to learn. Aware that following a specialized career in Computer Science will allow little possibility for broader expansion across skills like languages, arts, handiwork, and people skills.
So am I looking to be a kind of "Renaissance Man", as I first heard about in the TV series "Becker"? That sounds attractive. But not as an ultimate aim... the one thing I've read about, and feels right, and the only thing I'd set my heart fully, truly intently upon, is Goodness. The Good, The True. All mundane goals end, and both their possible finish lines (success and failure) seem fairly inconsequential. If one seeks and obtains money, one risks becoming a slave to greed. If one is driven by lust, all victories will lead to recurrence. Desiring and achieving the mundane only begets more of itself. An average life will not only be driven by the mundane, but its focus often shifts between the mundane and the transcendent, and so ends up achieving neither in excellence. And if one perceives this and desires to shun all such desires and seek something transcendent, with faith in the coherence of Life and the unsenselessness of Consciousness, what does one do? How to act? What to seek?
Intending to find a path, I recently set aside society, protocol, friends, and family, and set off to explore the world without focusing on money or career, but on the value of people, knowledge, and novelty. I stayed for one month at a New Mexican farm as a volunteer, and learned how to farm and what it was like to do physical labor all day, even if of a mild kind. Soon after I found the Rainbow Gathering by chance, and leaped into its experience with unknown people, hoping to find my Way there.
The Rainbow Gathering opened up my eyes to different ways of life - many indeed less focused on money or career, and rather only on people and virtue. I indulged in the simple pleasures of people, Nature, genuineness, and trustworthiness, and met many people from whose company I believe I grew in the right manner. Some of my spiritual thoughts I reassured, others I reinforced, others I trimmed - I acquired new data of people, life, and virtue, in order to attempt to achieve a truer model of the all.
And later, some roadtripping with Zhenia, family, and hitchhikers. And then Circle of Children. And then Manu, then Danny and Alana, up north towards Vancouver Island. Further fraternity, simplicity, and hippie life I perceived up at Raft Cove, and I observed the struggles of the Rainbow Family to achieve a coherent working unit, as we were expelled from of Raft Cove, and tried to decide how to deal with this, and continue the Gathering through the lunar cycle. I realized how disconnected nakedness and lust can be (or how disconnected I've become from my own sexual urges). I experienced deep connections to other people, some intense but not as deep, and so many neither intense nor deep, but genuine, trustworthy, such as fleeting smiles as we passed each other on the trail, tacitly acknowledging, and knowing there was no need or desire for further interaction. Happy and simple life, even if framed in a rehearsed, distant setting. A reminder of how things can be. Or how they used to be. A reminder that happy smiles, true words, and open attitudes can fulfill a human being much more than money, power, or the newest technologies and possessions.
Then, just over a month ago, I drove from Vancouver Island to the east coast of the country, picking up and befriending seven people along the way: one Rainbow, and six Craigslisters. And I experienced first-hand the loveliness of meeting and sharing time with relative strangers. Many people out there are just looking to meet other people... they are not be feared as I've seen many kinsmen do.
A wedding, some reading, and a visit to my parents later, I'm in Milwaukee. At the end of my 3-week visit, I told them "I'm disappearing again, don't wait up". And I knew that by doing so, I was leaving them anxious for me. My attitude towards their anxiety was "Not my problem, suck it". And I drove off.
Since then, I have reason to believe that my behavior towards my parents was unnecessary and unvirtuous. And since I'm seeking virtue, well, I'm looking to change my own behavior. To what? To one that does not give them anxiety.
On a personal level, I've realized that my manner of living, if I were to continue spending as little as possible, earning virtually no income, is still money- and socially-centered. Money-centered because one of my goals is to be as thrifty as possible, and achieving optimal thriftiness even feels as a matter of pride. Socially-centered because I'm discriminating between people - some I will relate to, others I will not. Doing so also relates to a matter of pride and achievement. And neither centricism sounds like a worthy aim.
So I'm looking to return to my parents and explain that I'd like to reestablish my connection to them. Perhaps not to everyone, but certainly to them. I don't know exactly what to do after. Possibilities include attending the Rainbow Gathering at Shawnee (its virtues still seem worthy to me), driving off to Colorado with some Ridesharer, staying with Marcos for a while, perhaps some Reddwerks outsourcing to achieve some income, and personal work on Audio, Machine Learning, and such matters. It's just a rough draft for now. But one thing I do know - I intend to reestablish my relationship with my parents before this week ends.
Sep 25
What am I doing?
(The Sequel (Again))
I'm about to dine at Ma Fischer's Restaurant, and I keep thinking about choices, times, people, places, parents, learning. And.... what to do. How best to proceed. How?
Expression of current context:
Unemployed, educated in Computer Science, fairly unskilled in most other areas but desirous to learn. Aware that following a specialized career in Computer Science will allow little possibility for broader expansion across skills like languages, arts, handiwork, and people skills.
So am I looking to be a kind of "Renaissance Man", as I first heard about in the TV series "Becker"? That sounds attractive. But not as an ultimate aim... the one thing I've read about, and feels right, and the only thing I'd set my heart fully, truly intently upon, is Goodness. The Good, The True. All mundane goals end, and both their possible finish lines (success and failure) seem fairly inconsequential. If one seeks and obtains money, one risks becoming a slave to greed. If one is driven by lust, all victories will lead to recurrence. Desiring and achieving the mundane only begets more of itself. An average life will not only be driven by the mundane, but its focus often shifts between the mundane and the transcendent, and so ends up achieving neither in excellence. And if one perceives this and desires to shun all such desires and seek something transcendent, with faith in the coherence of Life and the unsenselessness of Consciousness, what does one do? How to act? What to seek?
Intending to find a path, I recently set aside society, protocol, friends, and family, and set off to explore the world without focusing on money or career, but on the value of people, knowledge, and novelty. I stayed for one month at a New Mexican farm as a volunteer, and learned how to farm and what it was like to do physical labor all day, even if of a mild kind. Soon after I found the Rainbow Gathering by chance, and leaped into its experience with unknown people, hoping to find my Way there.
The Rainbow Gathering opened up my eyes to different ways of life - many indeed less focused on money or career, and rather only on people and virtue. I indulged in the simple pleasures of people, Nature, genuineness, and trustworthiness, and met many people from whose company I believe I grew in the right manner. Some of my spiritual thoughts I reassured, others I reinforced, others I trimmed - I acquired new data of people, life, and virtue, in order to attempt to achieve a truer model of the all.
And later, some roadtripping with Zhenia, family, and hitchhikers. And then Circle of Children. And then Manu, then Danny and Alana, up north towards Vancouver Island. Further fraternity, simplicity, and hippie life I perceived up at Raft Cove, and I observed the struggles of the Rainbow Family to achieve a coherent working unit, as we were expelled from of Raft Cove, and tried to decide how to deal with this, and continue the Gathering through the lunar cycle. I realized how disconnected nakedness and lust can be (or how disconnected I've become from my own sexual urges). I experienced deep connections to other people, some intense but not as deep, and so many neither intense nor deep, but genuine, trustworthy, such as fleeting smiles as we passed each other on the trail, tacitly acknowledging, and knowing there was no need or desire for further interaction. Happy and simple life, even if framed in a rehearsed, distant setting. A reminder of how things can be. Or how they used to be. A reminder that happy smiles, true words, and open attitudes can fulfill a human being much more than money, power, or the newest technologies and possessions.
Then, just over a month ago, I drove from Vancouver Island to the east coast of the country, picking up and befriending seven people along the way: one Rainbow, and six Craigslisters. And I experienced first-hand the loveliness of meeting and sharing time with relative strangers. Many people out there are just looking to meet other people... they are not be feared as I've seen many kinsmen do.
A wedding, some reading, and a visit to my parents later, I'm in Milwaukee. At the end of my 3-week visit, I told them "I'm disappearing again, don't wait up". And I knew that by doing so, I was leaving them anxious for me. My attitude towards their anxiety was "Not my problem, suck it". And I drove off.
Since then, I have reason to believe that my behavior towards my parents was unnecessary and unvirtuous. And since I'm seeking virtue, well, I'm looking to change my own behavior. To what? To one that does not give them anxiety.
On a personal level, I've realized that my manner of living, if I were to continue spending as little as possible, earning virtually no income, is still money- and socially-centered. Money-centered because one of my goals is to be as thrifty as possible, and achieving optimal thriftiness even feels as a matter of pride. Socially-centered because I'm discriminating between people - some I will relate to, others I will not. Doing so also relates to a matter of pride and achievement. And neither centricism sounds like a worthy aim.
So I'm looking to return to my parents and explain that I'd like to reestablish my connection to them. Perhaps not to everyone, but certainly to them. I don't know exactly what to do after. Possibilities include attending the Rainbow Gathering at Shawnee (its virtues still seem worthy to me), driving off to Colorado with some Ridesharer, staying with Marcos for a while, perhaps some Reddwerks outsourcing to achieve some income, and personal work on Audio, Machine Learning, and such matters. It's just a rough draft for now. But one thing I do know - I intend to reestablish my relationship with my parents before this week ends.
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